Girls Gotta Eat Podcast
@Girls_GottaEat
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A top comedy podcast about dating, sex, and relationships from @AshHess and Rayna Greenberg. Get you some 🍆
Joined February 2018
Girls will straight up tell you they’re busy while they’re in bed eating chips and watching serial killer docs.
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Remember when we were watching Love is Blind in February and thinking lol wouldn’t it be crazy to date someone and not be able to touch them and look at us now.
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Girl: *breathes*. Guy: I’m sorry but I’m just really busy right now with work and the gym and getting gas once a week plus my sister’s goldfish is sick and my big toe has been sore lately and I just can’t get into a relationship right now.
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There are no rules for dating during the pandemic. Cyber date 16 dudes at once, have phone sex in your childhood bedroom, ask “what are we” after the second zoom date, join your ex’s new girlfriend’s IG Live, find a sugar daddy to buy you a peloton, the possibilities are endless.
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Ladies, if your man is acting weird today, he’s either about to propose, break up with you, or he’s panicking because he hasn’t bought you a gift yet; stay woke.
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Person: A weighted blanket will help your anxiety . Me:
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Person: Any big resolutions for the new year? . Me: Fuck more, cry less.
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Me: How does J.Lo look so amazing at 50??!. Person: She doesn’t drink. Me: *sips 4th glass of wine* Interesting.
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Me: I’m not judgmental when it comes to other people’s relationships. Me watching Love is Blind: HOW THE FUCK DO THESE PEOPLE THINK THEY’RE GOING TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?!.
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When his profile says 6 ft but he shows up to the date and he’s 5’9.
I too was hustled, scammed, bamboozled, hood winked, lead astray!!!.
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Dating profiles be like: Looking for someone who shares my passion for dogs, weekend hikes, and dismantling systemic racism.
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Quarantine Day 1: I’m so glad I have a boyfriend to be with during this time . Quarantine Day 23: If this MF doesn’t pull his weight on the puzzle, we’re done.
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Sure sex is cool but have you ever communicated calmly and rationally with your partner and gotten exactly what you wanted out of an argument?.
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Me when I realize my man I thought was my man isn’t really my man:.
I too was hustled, scammed, bamboozled, hood winked, lead astray!!!.
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Just making sure you all are doing ok during #InstagramBlackout2019, we love you and we’re here for you.
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Why can’t guys multitask in life but can manage to date 5 girls at once?.
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Eat a pan of brownies at 9am, start happy hour daily at noon, ghost every guy you meet on a dating app, masturbate 4 times a day, cry to Adele in the fetal position, buy a pillow for the bathtub . You don’t want to look back on the pandemic and think “I should have done that”.
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Day 274 of being single: I think I’ll stay home this weekend . Day 2 of quarantine: I’m just feeling really lonely and depressed about being single right now.
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Guy you’re dating: Cancels your plans, lies about it, seen out with another girl, leaves you on read for 48 hours . Also him: YOU’RE CRAZY FOR BRINGING THIS UP.
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Do I really miss my ex or have I just been in a 5-month dry spell during a pandemic?.
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Go off queen 💙👑.
While I may be the first woman in this office, I will not be the last—because every little girl watching tonight sees that this is a country of possibilities.
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I’m trying to live a more enlightened life so now instead of telling my friend she’s dating a piece of shit fuckboy, I say “I feel that he has a negative aura.” 💫.
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Every woman on earth: Reflecting on what she’s thankful for, spending time with family, cooking, minding her own business . Every man: Time to fire up the holiday texts and fuck with as many girls as possible.
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Person reminiscing about college: Those were the best years of my .life 😊. Me: How the actual fuck did I make it out alive??.
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They’re onto us 😳.
Girls will shoot their shot by posting a story that you’re somehow suppose to know you should reply to.
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Solid plan tbh.
maybe if i develop feelings for covid-19 it will leave.
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Waiting for delivery > waiting for a text back.
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad? . Me: Eat pizza and listen to Girls Gotta Eat . Therapist: Correct.
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Guys, here are some little things you can do to get your lady in the mood: . Send dirty texts, talk about your sexual fantasies together, light a candle & put on some music she likes, take a shower, put away your laundry, replace the empty toilet paper roll, do literally one dish.
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Ashley: A good man is hard to find 😒. Rayna: A hard man is good to find 😏.
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Me: This guy hasn’t called, texted, or made plans with me, maybe he’s just not that into me . Also me: He watched my insta story, what does that mean???.
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“YOU WOMEN ARE ALL CRAZY STALKER PSYCHOS” . -A man being confronted with something he actually did.
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Most girls on first dates: So what do you like to do for fun? . Me: Do you consider a hot dog a taco??.
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I’ll literally kick the love of my life out of my apartment just so I can call my best friend to talk about him.
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My brows, bikini line, jeans, heels, “blonde” hair, diet & exercise routine, responsible drinking habits, and social skills during quarantine: 👀. Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK!.
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Trying to find one positive thing to say about your friend’s boyfriend like
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The CDC recommends not texting your ex “Happy New Year!”.
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No one: . Absolutely not a soul: . Person everyone hates: Well actually. .
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Boys: Relax it’s just social media, not real life . Also boys: Currently DMing 12 girls to try to meet in real life.
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Some of you haven’t been interrupted by your parents while masturbating in your childhood bedroom during quarantine and it shows.
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Any guy who says “men and women can’t be just friends” is a red flag. Just because YOU can’t be around women without trying to fuck them, Brad. .
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2 hrs isn’t enough for some of y’all 🤣.
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Ladies he might be a fuckboy if:. He calls you babe the first week of meeting you . His phone screen is a pic of himself . He has a second phone “for work” but doesn’t have a job.
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HATE HIM BY SUNDAY 😭👏🏻👏🏻.
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@megannrene This isn’t abt “making people happy.” It’s abt people dying or not dying. We’re in the place we are because of the president’s ignorance and terrible decisions. You, and everyone, should be outraged. Here’s a nice, factual article for you, plenty more out there if ur interested:.
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Our next virtual LIVE SHOW is this Saturday at 8pm EST. We’ll be live streaming (with special guests!) and will provide the link on our Insta and also here right before the show. Mark your cals, snacks 😘.
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Phrases that should be banned at work for the sake of dirty minds everywhere: let’s bang it out, penetrate the market, double team a project, I’m anal about that, my boss chewed me out, the ball’s in our court, flesh it out, take one for the team.
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Girl during sex: I bet he’s thinking about my armpit fat or my pussy hair or my unbleached b-hole or . Guy: she’s so hot she’s so hot she’s so hot don’t cum don’t cum don’t cum.
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🗣🗣🗣.
“Every women deserves to know what it feels like to not have to convince a boy to fall in Love with you” -@Girls_GottaEat.
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If you’re glowing up a guy, don’t even worry about him leaving you. Because while you’re upgrading him, another woman is upgrading someone else for you. Women helping women. 👊🏻.
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All we’re saying is that we’re not verified on Instagram and it continues to be a problematic platform. We’re verified on twitter and this shit never goes down 💁🏼♀️.
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Thank you to all the snackheads who tuned into our holiday live show, pregamed with charcoochie, tagged and tweeted about us, and showed us so much love. We ❤️ you all so much!.
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Shout out to the last minute gift buyers who get to blame the pandemic postal delays this Christmas, it’s your year fam.
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No one: . Ashley: The first 2 months of 2020 was the best time of my life.
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When everyone’s posting about International Women’s Day but you’re like, isn’t that every day…?
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Instagram is down again. Are you guys ok? We’re here for you.
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Should we do GGE branded pepper spray for camping? 🤔.
listening to park predators, so now i’m buying pepper spray before i travel to seattle, shout out @Girls_GottaEat.
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Can’t recommend it enough.
I have decided to live my life only based on advice I learned on @Girls_GottaEat from now on.
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Person: You are glowing! . Rayna: Thanks, it’s the cum.
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Wow 😭❤️.
I took 10 psych courses in college, but none of them had as much impact on me as @Girls_GottaEat.
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Annoying person: No one cares about your Spotify Wrapped . GGE listener: I literally don’t care.
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Why celebrate Halloween when your dating life is already full of ghosts, freaks, and people pretending to be someone else? 👻.
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Boyfriends are cool but have you ever masturbated then ordered a pizza?.
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Looking back on all the fuckboys I dodged like
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Pretty rude that we weren’t invited to the Met Ball but ok.
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We’re going to make a better effort to replace Chad with Preston, Tucker and how about BRANTLEY.
why are people still making fun of the name chad. it’s one syllable. it’s aesthetically pleasing. my name’s chad and I’m nice. y’all are just letting dudes named preston go unchecked bc chad’s an easy target? c’mon man. hayden???? tucker????? gimme a fucking break.
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The Sunday + post-holiday dating app flurry is real. Who else got a “How was your 4th” message?.
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Person: She’s been in there forever, she must be doing drugs . Me:
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🤯😑.
Went on a date with a guy recently who claimed that the reason guys get paid more than women was because they have to pay for dates. and then we split the check. #reasonsimsingle @Girls_GottaEat.
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When Cardi said “I don’t really need the D, I need the money” I felt that.
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If my man wants to go out and get a blowjob from someone else, fine, but let me see him sending a meme to another girl and we’re gonna have a fucking problem 🔪.
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Rayna: You know who your outfit reminds me of . Ashley: Kim Kardashian? . Rayna: Peg Bundy . Ashley: Oh.
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We discovered Zach first 😎.
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We feel this so hard.
I love everything about a first date—the sheer thrill of possibility, the butterflies, the rounds of cocktails & getting-to-know-you banter, the lustful looks, the story in the making, but nothing compares to that super-sweet moment when he goes pee & I can look at my phone again.
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Bonus episode today! We’re sharing our college experiences, what we were like in our 20s, the lessons we learned, and advice we’d give our younger selves. Enjoy!.
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We ❤️ you @DaleMoss! Go get ‘em 😘.
(SPOILER) Added to Clare’s guys: Dale Moss, 31, New York, NY. Former 2 sport star at South Dakota St University. Got some practice squad time in the NFL. Currently runs Dale Moss Fitness website.
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v accurate.
The @Girls_GottaEat Snackheads Facebook group is literally the internet version of the girls bathroom. Love all my hype queens #girlsgottaeat.
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Stay woke ladies 🦃.
@Girls_GottaEat when u post your location as home during thanksgiving eve and you immediately get “hey stranger” texts BEWARE THE HOLIDAYS.
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Can you hear it? 👂🏻.
Got into a fight with my brother and all I can hear in my head is @AshHess voice— “He needs to apologize TO ME” #IYKYK #legendary @Girls_GottaEat.
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When you understand the gift exchange assignment:.
thinking about gifting some people in my life a bottle of wine and attached will be a qr code for the are you dating a narcissist episode of @Girls_GottaEat.
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