Nimesh Patel
@findingnimesh
Followers
14,257
Following
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Media
350
Statuses
1,274
eating up and getting loose.
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Joined November 2018
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@TuckerOriginals
@foxnation
Hey clown, your whole documentary is wrong. I see you only used my Rogan clip because I said no to your producers. This take is stupid.
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2K
This is nonsense. Comedy is thriving. There was a reason I didn’t do
@TuckerCarlson
back 2018 - no one here is a martyr for comedy. Everyone featured in this trailer is selling out theaters and making $$$, myself included. Stop this fake victim BS.
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If you don't like some of my jokes, Jo Koy wrote them.
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Dear Jesus, you could feed a lot of people with the $20m you just spent on Super Bowl commercials.
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The best part about going to an acclaimed Indian restaurant with your parents is your mom saying "I could make this" and then a few weeks later she does.
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An Indian man is now Prime Minister of the country that colonized India. He'll either pull it out of ruin which the whites couldn't or his Prada loafer wearing ass will destroy the economy and steal the jewels. Win win baby.
13
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605
Indian weddings: Two days of religious events followed by 8 hours of the unholiest amount of drinking. Even the priest prays to Johnnie Walker.
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NYU students got that difficult organic chemistry professor fired. Back in my day we just took the C, dropped pre-med, and pursued standup comedy. Soft ass kids these days.
10
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What’s your mantra?
Mine is: fuck Tucker Carlson. I wake up and I think how can I behave today that would bother that bloated bow-tie wearing herb. Then I do that.
13
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400
The last time I was in Austin I did shrooms with some strippers. One of them asked me to mentor her as she wanted to do comedy. That stripper is now George Santos.
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Wild shit about getting vaccinated - I walked in and said I'm Nimesh Patel and right away they were like: healthcare worker? Right this way Dr. Patel. Racism is great.
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.
@TuckerCarlson
is a loser. Whining about cancel culture while making millions spewing loosely veiled propaganda. Get off your own dick Tucker
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As ChatGPT evolves, it will definitely impact comedy.
Only personal standup will matter. Sure, AI will be able to crank out one liners, but it won’t be able to make light of being molested.
That requires a human touch.
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I bet a lot more Asians would go to therapy if therapists were rebranded as emotions tutors.
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304
Last night I learned that asking an Asian person what kind of Asian they are is offensive to white people.
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Indian people that don't believe in Affirmative Action make me sad. It should be based on socioeconomic background for sure, but to not see how race and class are tied together given America's history is a willfully ignorant. Y'all should go to college and learn something.
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Of course there’s a mental health crisis. You’d be losing your mind too if you were a kid and you knew adults didn’t give a shit if you got shot in school.
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Bad curry puns and math jokes AND it knows who not to write jokes about?! This bot is gonna be a star!
#ChatGPT
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I am the Universe in this podcast. Thanks
@TheTweetOfGod
for having me, and thanks God for having us all.
Attention Indian followers: today's all-new
#Godcast
features an interview with Brahma so mind-blowing, I got the angels to animate some of it.
⬇️ Listen to Full Ep ⬇️
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Normally I wouldn’t go after another brown man. But Vivek Herbaswamy reminds me too much of who my cousins would be if they didn’t have me around to remind them they ain’t shit.
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Vivek is Indian Martin Shkreli. And yet all these herbs applaud him. Indian Americans need better heroes.
Vivek Herbaswamy bought old IP of drugs from companies that already failed multiple trials, marketed them as lifesaving, took the company public before any real data, sold shares to investors, trial data flopped (of course…), stock dropped 75% in one day. He’s another
@chamath
.
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If cancel culture were real South Park wouldn’t have made it to 26 seasons.
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Last night. Philadelphia Miller Theater. 1700 people. Guy has a seizure middle of my set. House lights come up. Ask if there’s any doctors in the house. Of course. At least 20 people get up to help. The guys okay. Thank you docs.
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What’s the best Indian restaurant in your city? Tag it / the city. Maybe I’ll buy you and your friends a meal when I’m there. Huge maybe. Most probably not. But maybe. We definitely won’t become friends. I usually eat alone. But maybe.
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Utah. Great shows. Quite possibly the worst food of any city in America. And I’ve been to 70 of em. You goofy Mormons should pray for some cooking lessons.
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230
So much Taco Bell is consumed at Indian wedding after parties that we have to alert the local TB a few days in advance to expect an order for several dozen Mexican pizzas and a gallon of fire sauce.
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223
I've been doing a bit on stage about Israel and Palestine. From the same joke, I've received a DM calling me a "Zionist cuck" and another DM calling me "defender of Islamic terrorists." Look at me, bringing people together.
#unity
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I'm 37 years old. Just did one of these life expectancy calculators - said I'd live til 95. I have no desire to do this 1.5 more times. Time to start smoking cigarettes.
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Life hack:
Therapy: $250/session
Free: Lying to yourself
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Why are there commercials for Jesus? Y’all Christians really doing that poorly that you need to advertise? Just pray.
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I'm on tour. Here's my set list:
Fuck Narendra Modi
Fuck Andrew Yang
Fuck Israeli occupation
Do drugs.
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White audience member got mad I make fun of white people and don’t make fun of Latinos, Blacks, etc. I would but the government does enough of that already duh.
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Last night. Walking through Dhamaka - NYCs best Indian restaurant. Got a rez through the chef. Ego on Drake mode. Indian dude waves me over. Must be a fan. I say hi, extend handshake. Him: “Do you have a matchbook? My table’s wobbly.”
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Whenever I go to a "red" state, someone will warn me to be careful with what I say on stage. Pfft, say whatever you want about those dumb racists, they can take a joke.
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Now that dust has settled I must note Kendrick and Drake calling out each others Blackness (or lack thereof) just sounded like two Indian teenagers in NJ.
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The Hindu text Bhagavad Gita, chapter 16 verse 21: “there are 3 gates leading to hell: lust anger and greed. Every sane man should give these up”
Also Hindus:
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Judging by the number of Indian doctors I’ve seen getting blackout drunk, I can’t think of a community that needs therapy more.
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Vivek Herbaswamy bought old IP of drugs from companies that already failed multiple trials, marketed them as lifesaving, took the company public before any real data, sold shares to investors, trial data flopped (of course…), stock dropped 75% in one day. He’s another
@chamath
.
8
22
191
The most damning evidence Canada found that India assassinated Harjinder Singh is a discarded cell phone with 300 outgoing DMs to Instagram models that just said…
8
15
192
What's that feeling called when you know your life is good, and you're grateful, so you expect to be hit by a bus at all times?
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A poem:
Trump guts EPA and railroad regulations.
Conservative town get chemical spills from train derailments.
Fox blames Biden.
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Artificial intelligence isn’t anything new. I’ve been pretending to be smart for a very long time.
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We really need to stop grouping thoughts and prayers together. My prayers are pure love. My thoughts would get me arrested if typed here.
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What's the bigger threat? A Chinese balloon or THE AMERICAN HEALTHCARE INDUSTRY??????????
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Gonna start an Indian American History Museum. It must be in Edison, NJ and must look like a Hampton Inn from 1978. Will detail our arrival (Hindoo Horrors) and accomplishments such as getting the Mexican pizza back on the Taco Bell menu.
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Not sure why everyone’s so mad at Hunter Biden for doing cocaine with hookers. He’s the son of a President. Like you wouldn’t do the same? A lot of you living that life and your dad ain’t shit.
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Just got called a terrorist by an audience member after saying I was Hindu. All because I said Christianity is a stupid religion.
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Off to London, where the prime minister is a 5’7 Indian dude. Can’t escape these guys. Good thing they’re hard to see.
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Today marks me doing comedy for 14 years. The
#1
highlight remains Chris Rock telling me I’m funny and then me calling my parents to tell them and them saying: which comedian is Chris Rock? Stay humble out there.
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If you consider
@jayshetty
's grift as revenge for how yoga became a cash cow for the West, it's a beautiful thing. Keep stealing you blue eyed devil.
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I have some thoughts on Lizzo but don’t wanna get in trouble with the LGBBQ community so I’ll save them for the stage.
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I don’t shit on religion. I shit on people who claim to be religious and then act with violence. There’s nothing religious about you.
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Last night. Dhamaka in NYC. Young man named Dhruv: “you’re nimesh right? wanna hear something funny? My roommate had a $4000 hospital bill & we saw your video about calling the hospital to lower it. He called & it worked!” You’re welcome America.
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I can’t wait to question Nikki Haley’s birth certificate.
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My parents are coming to see me perform at MSG. They have not seen me do comedy since I started therapy. About to be a wild session.
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What I've learned being married? DO NOT offer solutions to problems immediately. That's not what problems are for. Problems are just problems. If you've got a solution, keep that shit to yourself. Otherwise, you'll have another problem.
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Back at the scene of the crime. Exactly 5 years later. I could’ve graduated with two degrees by now
@Columbia
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Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians - they’re all the same. If you make fun of their books they’ll all get in your DMs and tell you how you ain’t shit and “be careful.” Go pray on it you goofy fake religious fucks.
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My history with
@netflix
predates most of my comedy career. 13 years ago, right around when I started standup, I had delusions of being a master of the universe. To get on this path, I interned at a hedge fund covering Tech Media Telecom. My first assignment: $NFLX.
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Vivek Herbaswamy is the type of Indian who says shit like: “my dad was poor, he was just a low level patent attorney.”
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At his liquor store, my dad never uses pronouns like he/her/them/they. Pops is super progressive, only uses the pronoun "boss." Lets give that a shot America.
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Vivek Herbaswamy hates affirmative action yet took a fellowship for children of immigrants aimed at “creating equity” on the same lines as affirmative action. So at least we know he’s hypocritical enough to be president. Still too short though.
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Miami is such a surprisingly international city. Last night I got offered Colombian cocaine in Hindi. 🫠
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How I've survived going to 20 Indian weddings in the last 5 years: every time the priest says SWAHA, I hear it in the tone of the JAWS theme and it makes me giggle. SWAHA. SWAHA. SWAHA SWAHA SWAHA. You can use that too.
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That’s enough Vivek Herbaswamy slander for today. Ima go do something Vivek never could - put some dishes away on the middle shelf.
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How am I picking my tour cities you say? I google Patel Brothers locations and the wherever they are I try to go.
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I went to college for finance at NYU. The most valuable lesson I learned: $200,000 for a degree is a terrible investment.
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If Sam Bankman-Fried, Elizabeth Holmes, and Chamath Palihapitiya have tought me anything, it's that if anyone swears they're doing good for humanity, they should be arrested immediately.
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Can’t bet on
#SuperBowl2024
here in Texas. No draftkings or fan duel apps allowed. You can shoot anything but a parlay is just too dangerous.
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Shoutout to the friends who I KNOW live on their phones but don’t answer texts for hours. I’m hoping you see this Mike, Becky, Tanmay. I’m trying to make plans for us. Stop looking at butts for like 10 seconds man. Don’t make me call.
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My halal cart guy just told me he was worried about me since he hadn’t seen me in two weeks but then charged me $9 for my usually $8 meal. How am I supposed to feel?
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If I made the abortion jokes I made in Canada here in the States, I’d get murdered. I’d have to hide in a womb to be safe.
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You ever forget so much of your childhood you start wondering if you were molested?
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Vivek Ramaswamy’s campaign truth
#1
: GOD IS REAL. Oh yea Vivek? Then why did God make you 5 foot 7?
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PLEASE FACT CHECK ALL MY SPECIALS AND JOKES I NEED THE PUBLICITY.
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Imagine you watched so much Fox News you stormed the capitol 😂😂😂
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It’s funny how you can make fun of religious people and they respond in the most unholy ways. One Hindu told me to eat a dick. Like bro last I checked that was not vegetarian.
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First the Queen, now the World Cup? Santa is real!
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“typical just another Indian guy hatin on another Indian guy what a loser” - Indian guy mad I’m making fun of Vivek Ramaswamy.
I believe only Indians should be allowed to make fun of Indians and “Vivek Ramaswamy” is like our N word.
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Doctors in my DMs: “You’re just jealous you weren’t smart enough to become a doctor.” Every doctor knows at least one doctor where they’re like how’d this guy become a doctor? I could’ve easily been that idiot.
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If you don’t have vices you are not trustworthy. Oh you don’t drink, smoke, curse, drugs, strip club, nothing? Can’t wait to watch the serial killer doc about you.
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Dear bros, you don’t have to have “problems” to go to therapy.
If you’re interested in being the best version of yourself constantly, you should go to therapy. It works.
And you’re probably a bit of a narcissist.
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10
128
On
@Delta
flight from Milwaukee to NYC. Crew member having a medical emergency. The other flight attendant looked at me rather disappointed I’m not a doctor. Luckily a doctor and nurse on board sprung into action. Heroes. We just diverted to Detroit. Hopefully all is okay.
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“How’d you get so good at crowdwork?”
I have 16 first cousins. Every family gathering was a comedy show but everyone was out to get you and whoever had the best insults got to eat first.
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The Lucky Left Tour is coming to a city near you!! I’ll be in LA, SF, Dallas, Philly, Honolulu, Las Vegas, NYC and more. Stop sleeping and get your tix, these shows are selling out quick
#nimeshpatel
#theluckyleftytour
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Who makes money off of abortions being banned? I’m trying to follow the money here. Trojan? Paper towel companies? Big Stair?
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Imagine you watched so much Fox News you decapitate your dad.
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Happy India Independence Day! I’m performing in London soon, and I’ve never fully understood Indians who fully embraced England. What do they call Stockholm syndrome over there. Help me understand it more, so I can make fun of you better.
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My then boss now manages $1B+ at his own fund, consistently beats the market, and summers in Europe. I have a 10 minute spot on Netflix. The point is I should've stayed in finance. But since I didn't - please watch me and make this stupid bet worth it.
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Just bombed so hard at this doctors conference I might have to go to med school.
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