Becky Holmes hates spinach
@deathtospinach
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I only date celebs (inc. Keanu, Brad, Neeson, Jagger & Prince William), brave US peacekeeping soldiers in Syria or oil rig workers. First book out now 🎉
Joined August 2020
Yesterday I flew to Stockholm for love! ❤️. But handsome UK pilot Mark Patrick didn’t show 💔. He started off so keen but I suppose looking back on the DMs there was the odd indicator of panic. I just didn’t read the signs. (I don’t know why but I particularly enjoyed this one!)
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My beloved, Zeltinis, told me I would have to pay £3k for him to be able to leave his oil rig to come and visit me. I therefore decided to visit him instead, but he has been very resistant to it. He’s presumably just worried for my safety, which makes me love him even more. ❤️
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10 years ago I had an amazing career, a £500k house and money in the bank. Then my life crumbled. I made some really bad decisions and lost everything. I’ve been living in my mum’s spare room. But today I pick up the keys to a one bed social housing flat. Today I start again. 🙏🏻.
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Just saw this chap in Tesco. It’s not Christmas without 10 bottles of baby oil and a honeydew melon
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Another opportunity missed . Curse my middle-aged vagina!
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Guess who’s back…. Long-term sex pest Greg!. Yay 🎉. He started off annoyed with me because I wasn’t responding to his photos so I tried to win him round by doing what he asked but I think I got it all wrong again. I’m really not very good at this sexy talk. 😞
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My favourite photo from Christmas Day . My 55 year old brother having cranberry sauce cleaned off his jumper by my 79 year old mother who just called him a ‘mucky pup���
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Twitter friends, please join me in prayer for long-term sex pest Greg, who I have just diagnosed with bubonic plague. 🙏
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That’s it! I’m sick of heartache and I’m moving on!. And who better to start again with than the absolutely 100% REAL Bradley Cooper. I can feel the blood start to course through my broken heart and heal the cracks caused by weeks of pain. At last. Real love. Real, pure love. ❤️
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I’ve been so touched by the concern everyone has shown over my trying to reach oil rig worker Zeltinis, my one true love. I’m tearfully grateful to be able to say I did find my way off the ice and onto a small rock. However, a colony of penguins is now posing a very real threat…
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Long-term sex pest Greg was keen to show me one of his Christmas presents this morning, which was very sweet of him. As usual, we covered a wider range of topics than he was expecting, and by the end he didn’t seem to want to chat anymore…. 🕯️🦶💇🏼♀️🔥
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Well that’s it. It’s all over. Zeltinis and I have split up. I can’t put into words the heartbreak I feel to have lost my true love just before Christmas 💔. (I also can’t put into words how much I’ve enjoyed wasting this guy’s time. Zeltinis, mate, you’re a bloody legend! 😂)
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Twitter friends!. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I’d be able to type these words, but…. ZELTINIS MESSAGED ME. I decided to stop teasing him and organise a bank transfer for the £3,200 he needs . Thing is, it hasn’t reached the account yet . Something must be wrong 🤔
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It was really kind of long-term sex pest Greg to check in on me yesterday after I had previously revealed my New Year’s Eve arson plans. I explained it’s not my fault the police thinks he’s involved and that the candle photo was some kind of code but he seemed really cross with
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Long-term sex pest Greg has been telling me about his pastime of looking at vaginas in the gym. It only seemed right to tell him about the shape of my own unfortunate vagina but when I described it as a warm pak choi he seemed to go off me. Guys - ALL vaginas are beautiful! . 🥬
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Oh balls. It seems I’ve been caught bang to rights by an FBI agent (this is real - it clearly states ‘official’). And to make sure I know he’s genuine the agent sent me a photo of his ID card. Ladies and gentlemen, Fox Mulder has risen from the dead and is out to get me. 😳
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I don’t care what any of you say, this is THE ONE!!! . 🥰🥰🥰
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You know it’s gonna be a good day when Liam Neeson slides into your DMs and hangs on your every word…
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I probably shouldn’t admit this but I’m getting cross with Keanu Reeves. I understand that he needs a £50 gift voucher but in return he needs to understand that I lost my credit card whilst chasing someone with a axe. Surely a bit of give and take in a relationship is reasonable?
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For those of you asking about when I got long-term sex pest Greg to shave his stomach and see a doctor, here is where it all started… . Channel 4 also covered it in a 5 minute doc if you want to see that too 😊. Stranger Sent D**k Pics So I Convinced Him He Was Dying |
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I’m struggling with long-term sex pest Greg this morning. He seems to be obsessed with someone called Alan but then denies all knowledge when I ask him about it. I am concerned that our saucy love affair cannot continue until we resolve our communication problems
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Anyone who’s been following me for a while will know I have a sexy online relationship with a chap called Greg. He likes to show me his winky one minute then call me a big fat cow the next. I was in a bad mood this morning and took it out on him. I think this might be the end 😞
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I’ve lost Keanu Reeves forever. I pray to all that is holy to relieve me of this heartache and pain. All because of a simple misunderstanding over an app he turned on me and told me he hates me. I don’t know how I’m going to recover from this. Life has lost all meaning. 💔
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Rather personal post this morning. As of a couple of weeks ago I am back under the mental health crisis team. I say this because I want to remind people that someone’s life is not always as it seems on social media . Even those who appear to be doing well and having a wonderful.
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Covid- the time has come for us to do battle in the mighty arena (although Warwick Hospital will also do). You think yourself so exotic with ur endless new variants but I think you’re just a smelly old mingebag. One of us will fall during this battle Covid, but it will not be me!
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After weeks of hearing nothing from him I can finally sing it from the rooftops…. KEANU IS BACK!. He seems to be pretending we’ve not spoken before and is being rather formal but I imagine it’s just a saucy little game. 2023 is going to be a wonderful year. Go out and buy hats!
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Just joined Facebook Dating. My first message was from Darren in Smethwick who said “You look like you’ve got really juicy tits”. Darren you smooth talking bastard.
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It’s been rather arid in the dating department recently, but akin to an angel floating down from heaven, Johnny Depp lowered himself into my DMs. Given his eccentricities I’m not surprised that he doesn’t mind me keeping 14 corpses in a lock up garage . Depp you rascal
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Nasty old Matthew Perry has been horrible about Keanu Reeves in his new book. As I have a direct line to Keanu I thought I’d better ask him if he’s ok. His response was as dignified as expected. And it turns out he doesn’t like thieves either, especially when it comes to flannels
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I thank God and all the heavens above that Zeltinis still loves me 🙏. There have been so many misunderstandings between us I decided it was time to stop messing about and give him the money he needs to leave the oil rig & be with me for Christmas, but…. He turned nasty again 💔
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To impress new boyfriend, 100% genuine Bradley Cooper, yesterday I made a false beard, bought a blue tea towel and snuck into a local church’s nativity scene. It all went wrong when I got overexcited and stole the baby Jesus but Bradley was really good about it. I’m so in love ❤️
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Well here it is. Finally. The book I’ve spent 10 months writing & the champagne I’ll spend today drinking. 72,586 words on everything romance fraud. From the heartbreaking to the hysterical, the academic to the anecdotal. Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who helped make this happen
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I finally got round to getting Keanu Reeves the £50 gift card that he so desperately needed. I tell you what though, he’s an ungrateful little swine. Never again Keanu. Never again
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It was only a matter of time before the big man himself slid into my DMs. Cheeky little rascal. @elonmusk if you’re reading this, please may I have more information on the apparently affordable Tesla Chlamydia?. Cheers mate 👍
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Let’s see 2022 out by saying a final farewell to long-term sex pest Greg. I posted a photo of my brother on Instagram over xmas so Greg did the perfectly normal thing and asked me about my own brother’s penis size. I had no choice but to reveal that mine is bigger. He did ask 🤷🏼♀️
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This time last year I was on Tinder winding up and exposing would-be scammers as usual. A local chap caught my eye whilst scrolling and I took a chance. Today is one year since our first date. Thank you internet. ❤️. (Btw Keanu knows and is fine with it - he said he’ll share)
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@EricaMontrachet These were all taken in Iceland earlier this year with my mum. I got her to take them specially for a time when I could use them for Twitter 🤣.
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Yesterday was a very exciting day as I was offered my very own sugar daddy. To receive $3000 a week I just needed to pay a $30 deposit. Clearly a most lucrative arrangement but my payment didn’t go through. I’m starting to think NayPal isn’t as good as it’s more popular rival. 🤔
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Keanu and I seem to be going through a bad patch. It’s breaking my heart. He suddenly seems alarmed by my murderous tendencies; something that he previously hasn’t batted an eyelid at. On the positive side though, his agent has found my house in Bumshire so at least he can visit
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Long-term sex pest Greg has obviously been putting some thought into my previous observations about his small hands. Despite this, he’s clearly still in denial and keeps getting cross with me. All I’m trying to do is help 😞
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I’m pissed off and upset this morning. Keanu messaged me again last week and I thought perhaps we were having a fresh start, but when I told him what I do for a living he went offline. Clearly Keanu doesn’t like career women. This could be the end for us. I’m distraught. 💔
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You know what? I’m sick and tired of men telling me to calm down . Here’s me thinking I’ve met a lovely peacekeeping soldier but it turns out he’s like all the rest. They just don’t understand…. 😡
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Hooray!. Long-term sex pest Greg is back! 🎉. Unfortunately I’ve once again managed to dampen his sexual desire through a series of very genuine misunderstandings. I’m just going to have to accept that I’m no good at this sexting lark
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Not only has Keanu Reeves come back to me and loves me like he always used to but I have even better news…. I’M GOING TO BE A STAR ⭐️. I told Keanu about my wanting to be in a film and he thinks his manager would be interested in me. Could this year possibly get any better? . 🎉
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Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…. “Middle-aged woman who didn’t take her glasses off before trying to apply eyeliner and then wondered if she was having a stroke because she didn’t feel it and her vision went patchy in one eye”. 🙄
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Yesterday I lost 2,000 followers for suggesting that Keanu Reeves should be the next President of the United States . God help this humourless planet . And Keanu for President! . #Reeves2028.
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I’ve been messaged by a few scammers recently so you can imagine how relieved I was to finally be contacted by a genuine celebrity (I asked him and he said it was really him). It turns out that Hugh Jackman is every bit the gentleman I thought he would be, if a little formal…
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To the surprisingly large number of people who DMd me I would like to reassure you the message I sent was in humour. Despite it being 44 years old my vagina is in decent nick. Thanks for your concern though and I’ve made a note of all recommendations for the not-so-distant future.
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I know that some of you worry about my love life and me being able to juggle all these A-lister boyfriends. I wasn’t planning to add any more to the melee but can a girl really refuse Brad Pitt?. As he rightly points out - I am the lucky one!. Oh Brad. You’ve won my heart ❤️
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Life is a funny ol’ thing. This time 2 years ago I was in a bad, bad place. This time last year I was enjoying making people laugh with my tweets. Today I have 70k followers, a book deal and yesterday was honoured to present at The London Fraud Forum. I’m grateful beyond words ❤️
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5 yrs ago I was released from a psychiatric ward after self-harming & trying to take my own life. I’m left with the physical scars but a fab tattoo over them. I’m now the happiest I’ve ever been and am proof that getting help CAN turn things around. #mentalhealthawarenessweek2023
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Today marks one year on Twitter. Not many know this but I was suicidal and near the edge before joining Twitter. Bad health and loneliness was nearly the end of me. One year on and not only am I still here but I’m in a whole different place. You guys saved my life. Thank you ❤️.
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I’M ENGAGED!!! 🥂🎉. No more of that US soldier nonsense - Dr Daniel is from Bristol!. Sadly he’s away peace-keeping in Kabul at the moment. Before I send the $5000 he desperately needs I’ve asked him to sign the detailed ‘contract of marriage’ I have prepared. No reply yet.
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Just when I thought I’d never get over the loss of Keanu Reeves, long-term sex pest Greg made a reappearance. He messaged to tell me he likes my new photo on Instagram (he’s SUCH a sweet guy) but the conversation didn’t go quite as I think he wanted it to. Poor confused Greg
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Long-term sex pest Greg is back! . Nothing like an unsolicited semi-nude on a Monday morning . Unfortunately I wasn’t able to satisfy him on this occasion as I was keen to talk about his mum. Greg found it a little off putting
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*preparing to receive abuse and huge drop in followers*. Guys I love you but please stop with the celebratory tweets over Prince Philip’s death. Whether you agree with the monarchy or not, an elderly lady has lost her husband and four people have lost their father. Get a grip!.
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Lewis Hamilton has raced back into my life and is, quite frankly, rude and demanding. I bought him the Steam card that he so desperately needed. It’s not my fault he can’t get the code to work. With my watermelon-in-anus incident I’ve got more pressing things to worry about…. 🍉
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To those of you who cruelly doubted him, I want you to know that my one true love Arun Patel has said he wishes to work when he gets to the UK!. He continues to surprise and delight me, and as he’s clearly a very honourable man I have sent him some money via PayPal.
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I fear you’re all going to be cross with me as this is a rare non-comedy post, but last night I ‘broke character’ with Talli. After another series of explicit photographs and weird messages I decided to give myself an early Christmas present and tell him EXACTLY how things are
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I’m AMAZED!!! 4 hours ago I tweeted I was feeling lonely. Since then I have been absolutely inundated with incredible tweets and DMs. I haven’t managed to follow back or reply to everyone yet but I will do. THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH to everyone that supported me. I’m so grateful ❤️.
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It’s an emotional morning. Finally, after THIRTY YEARS I have been discharged from the mental health service. I have had to battle hard with my mental health since I was a teenager and I have slipped up many times, resulting in destructive behaviour, self harm, suicide attempts.
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50% upset 😢 50% angry 😡. I was just in my local shop wearing a vest top which shows my tattoos (all tasteful). A woman came up to me and really loudly said “you’ve made yourself look disgusting with all that scribble on your arms.”. Why would anyone say that to another person??.
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If I hadn’t had a festive greeting from long-term sex pest Greg it just wouldn’t be Christmas . I don’t think I gave him quite what he was looking for in return…
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A friend once told me that I come on too strong too early in my relationships. I didn’t believe her when she said it but I’m starting to think she might be right. Perhaps I should have played it a bit cooler with Henry Cavill…
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Waiting patiently to go down for my operation when the consultant came round and introduced me to six medical students as, and I quote, “an example of a relatively decent middle aged woman”. Absolutely. Fucking. Charming.
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I can’t believe I’m going to publicly admit this, but…. I forgot Keanu’s birthday 😱. Fortunately he messaged me from his OFFICIAL Google Chat account to let me know. I’m pleased to say he forgave me and I sent him the Steam card he asked for. I only hope the code works…
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I’ve deposited myself on a Greek island for a week so no love life updates for a few days. Currently horizontal by the pool in age-inappropriate swimwear . I will be taking plenty of photos to use in future conversations with soldiers, oil rig workers and of course, Keanu Reeves
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Well it’s my birthday today, and what better way to celebrate than a conversation with long-term sex pest Greg 🎉. Unfortunately, as usual we seemed to misunderstand one another 😞. I just hope one day we get it right. (His final desperate and frustrated plea was glorious)
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Finally all my hard work on Twitter has paid off. A real Hollywood A-lister wants to get to know me. Only a brief conversation so far but this could be the start of something really quite beautiful. Ladies & gentlemen I present my new boyfriend, the one and only. KEANU REEVES!
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I’m back from a ban after posting a photo I got on DM of a man who wrote “I rape and harass women” across his chest and threatened to rape me if I didn’t send him nudes. Apparently I needed this pervert’s consent 🤯. @Twitter you have this SO wrong. PLEASE RT #Twitterhowdareyou
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Oladayo is a potential new love interest. Pros:.- good job.- doesn’t mind my prostitution.- doesn’t put sex first. Cons:.- lives in the USA.- doesn’t say please.- happy for me to give hand jobs in exchange for Amazon cards. It’s a tough one . 🤔
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I enjoyed a very brief chat with Liam Neeson yesterday. Conversation is a bit slow but I’ve heard he’s a man of few words so I’ll take it at his pace. I have a good feeling about Liam. This could be the end of my soul crushing search for love . 🙏❤️
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I had no idea that @JaneFallon abuses @rickygervais but here it is in Ricky’s own words. I tried to release him from his misery but my NayPal account wasn’t working and I accidentally called him an arsehole. This is going to cause me sleepless nights but Ricky, I WILL find a way
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Part three of the internet’s greatest love story…. Having escaped the blood-thirsty penguin colony I found an area of lush countryside. My spirits soared. However I didn’t reckon upon a savage attack from a previously undocumented species. Zeltinis has supported me all the way
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This chap Michael has been really keen to get to know me, which is obviously lovely. I confessed to him that I am, in fact, the Lord God Almighty and although he seemed confused to begin with I think we’re going to get through it - just as soon as he comes back from the urgent
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I thought Keanu had forgotten about me. All this time he has been thinking he can’t trust me, which obviously breaks my heart, but thank the Lord he does still care about me and I think we are finally back on track. I wonder if he’ll invest in my moose-buggering business 🤔
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When liaising with Brad Pitt’s shady underworld contacts yesterday I accidentally left my phone number on my email signature. However it does mean that I was able to WhatsApp directly with US General Mark Milley after he contacted me about my predicament. It didn’t end well…
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Brad Pitt has offered me the most wonderful opportunity… to donate $10,000 to charity (he was slightly vague on the details but I trust him). He thoughtfully suggested the easiest thing for me would be to donate via Bitcoin at an ATM. Problem is, I just couldn’t get it to work…
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It’s so cruel when life gives you something wonderful then snatches it away. It’s even worse when that something is a hunky soldier. I guess my obsession with his willy being shot at put him off 😞. I need to learn to play it cooler at the beginning of a relationship
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So having tried my best at vaginal moaning and educating long-term sex pest Greg on a vagina’s natural yeast levels it’s STILL not going right between us. I said I’d perfectly understand if he prefers boys and I even found him some gay porn. Is nothing good enough for this man?
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A short, but perfect, interaction with long-term sex pest Greg this afternoon
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AT LAST I can share some news I've been dying to shout out for months. My book, Keanu Reeves Is Not In Love With You, has been optioned for film by a major production company and film studio. (This doesn't mean it's definitely going to be made, just that they want the rights to
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Just a very brief exchange with long-term sex pest Greg this week but it does include grey trackie bottoms and a piece of cress; the ingredients of any good conversation
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It’s quite a moment in a girl’s life when she is contacted by the Crown Prince of Dubai who wants to get to know her. Finally after so many peacekeeping soldiers, so many Keanus and so much heartache, a life of jewels, fast cars and as much falafel as I can eat awaits me. 💎🏎🧆
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I thought Keanu Reeves was gone from my life for good so I was over the moon when he messaged yesterday. I’m glad he didn’t ask me too many questions about my recent time in prison. He clearly just wants to forget about it and move forward. That’s my man ❤️
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⚠️WARNING. SOPPY⚠️. This is the frizzy-haired, make-up free, screwed up, tearful face of a 43 year old woman who’d started to think nothing good would ever happen again, but yesterday had a dream come true and signed a publishing contract. GET IN!!! 💪.
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Excuse my language but I am fucking LIVID. Keanu Reeves asked me for a $200 apple. I went out and got him one and he was SO ungrateful. I am FURIOUS . (This might be one of my all time favourites 😂)
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Special guy Greg appeared back in my Instagram DMs over the weekend. I am pleased to say that our exchange resulted in the best single sentence ever written/spoken/dreamt about. God bless you Greg . ⭐️
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