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@corietjohnson
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the last 4 digits of my social are 7739
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Pinned Tweet
my therapist just referred to her therapist as my grand-therapist . trying to process.
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one time i made my barbie write a suicide note (to ken) when i was 7 or 8 and then my mom was like ... “this is creative” instead of medicating me
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I SAID YES 💕💕💕💕💍💍💍🥰🥰🥰 to multiple people when they asked me to do things! and now i’m overwhelmed
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u can’t be like WE IDENTIFIED THE ZODIAC KILLER!!! and then be like “It was Gary”
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ppl love to text me “omg this is sooo you” with a link to one of the most fucked up things i’ve ever seen
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when someone goes into the google doc while ur working on it
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sometimes a girl will have such an ugly boyfriend that i’m like oh ur like STRAIGHT straight
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body dysmorphia is so fun. for example: i cried after ordering this suit because i thought it would be too small and....
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people hate on tinder but i look back on fond tinder memories... like the time i met a girl a decade older than me who picked me up, parked in a del taco parking lot, pulled out heroin and when i said i didn’t wanna do heroin she said “i wasn’t going to share with you anyway”
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the 100 mg edible hit right as i arrived to the movie theater yesterday. asked the concession stand if they had any recommendations
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at this point i’m begging there to be good looking clothes for fat people. why are u trying to sell me a gray shirt with ariel on it i am 26 years old
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we used to have fun on this app
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“i’m not looking to date right now” is never fun to receive but the person i was talking to really softened the blow with “and i’m not really looking to make friends either”
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how does anyone get anything done ? i spend most of my time thinking about how in an hour it will be an hour later
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wish i had the confidence of the woman trying to sell this cheese grater as an earring rack on etsy
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my friend is getting married on my birthday. can’t decide what color to wear to the wedding- eggshell or cream?
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girl asking u on date: I was thinking wine at sunset :) whatever day works best for you! 💓
guy asking u on date: wanna meet at a dark bar? like, right now.
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When you and your uncle in a hoe phase at the same time >>>
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ur 34 buying a $749 floor ticket to see taylor swift in tampa, florida? ??! no i’m just making sure i heard that right
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lena dunham just lied on tv by saying the “one time she did poppers” it “made her eat a whole cheesecake” that’s not how it works girl what
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we are all in agreement that mary fucked and just told a weird lie right?
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whatever is on my credit card statement is between Chase bank and God. i don’t need to see all that.
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everytime i look at a clock i’m like “there’s no fucking way”
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No one:
Legit, fucking no one:
My dad, far too often: u know that hotel they stay in in Forgetting Sarah Marshall? I installed the windows for that hotel
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bartender checked my ID & said “1995? damn you look like you’ve been through some shit” just sharing.
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i’m johnny knoxville and this is tapering off my meds without the guidance of a medical professional
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no those are my emotional support 6 random items on my bed at all times
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there are 7-10 women i could text at any point in time that will justify a fucked up purchase for me and i’d die for them
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my nail tech kept questioning why i wanted two of my nails short and i kept being like “uhhhhh idk i just like the style haha” then in the waxing room the lady looked at my nails and said “oh! gay!”
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if ur seeing this photo of fiona apple in a malachite dress u will have 7 months of good luck
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I like snoopy but i don’t show it too much cuz i know he’s got a lot of parasocial relationships to deal with already
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“i love when girls are mean to me” “i want a guy who doesn’t care if i live or die” ok. i’d like people to be nice to me. be a lil sweetie even
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well if i’m queer... and .... ur queer.......then who’s driving the car ????? 😨
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the sexual tension between a straight man and an unnecessarily large television
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hey what does it mean if we made direct eye contact with a three legged coyote
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i get a new crush and start posting instagram stories several times a day like a child
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Hulu - $13
Netflix - $12
HBO max - $15
Disney+ - $7
Amazon Prime - $9
Casey Anthony OnlyFans - $450
CBS All Access - $6
Total, $512 a month for streaming and entertainment services.
Explain how this was supposed to save us money over cable?
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air bnb host and i got drunk together and was like “john wayne gacy and i used to be penpals” and then showed me a bunch of original john wayne gacy paintings that he was sent that are hanging in his back room. i love champagne
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ppl on etsy are so extra. u order ONE pair of earrings and when u go to open the package a bunch of confetti, two starbursts and a love letter from the artist flies out
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girls will be like “omg he killed me!” and it’s just some guy 🙄
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she was like unmmmmmmm we have these pretzel bites . they tasted so bad lol
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The giant minion that overlooks Studio City is LA’s Rio Jesus
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@cephalocide
girls will be like “i’m fighting demons” and the demons are just a high thc tolerance
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me in a few months spending $500 on MCR tickets and pretending i never made this tweet
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“why are you playing favorites?” oh um because i like that person better than you
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my brain: i fkn hate it here!!! we r in hell!!!!!!!! wtf
my brain 23 mins later although nothing has changed: u know what :) i like it here… i could get used to this place <3
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“are you sure you want to delete this tweet?” i’ve never been more sure of anything in my fuckin life babe
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gary the snail as the zodiac killer…. fantastic mental image happening at the moment
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annnnyway i thought i was in love w her and we went to FYF together one year and she nodded off in the public bathroom for 45 mins and i was still like 🥰🥰🥰
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do whatever u want with ur money but i WILL make fun of you for it
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third eye blind was right i DO need something else to get me through this
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all of the replies saying i have no room to talk bc i am also ugly are funny bc uglies have even more of a right to talk abt other uglies. please stop trying to police my culture ✋
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which do u prefer.. a bunch of little attentions or one big attention ??
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name one other person julia did it for besides the girls and the gays. u can’t.
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“not looking for anything serious/ virgo / 12ft since i guess that matters on here lol”
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the human experience? humiliating. going through something? fucking mortifying.
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admit to a medical professional that i want to kill myself? i’d rather kill myself.
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i can’t relate at all but i heard that it’s dangerous to keep ur vibrator charger plugged in while not in use. i heard it can connect to ur jewelry and start melting together and burn a hole in ur bed and start a fire. again, i cannot relate this did not happen to me last ni
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skinny ppl in the replies telling me that i “could pull it off” as if i wouldn’t look like a glam kevin smith wading around east hollywood
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this was on watch what happens live w andy cohen on a very cursed segment w dua lipa and lena called “Dua Lena” and neither andy nor dua believed her and u could tell
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