Chris D'Elia
@chrisdelia
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880,733
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Joined December 2008
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
My new special "Grow or Die" is out. You can get it here:
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At least when my career dies you can film it and put it on YouTube.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 im laughing cuz now i know why your comedy career took a dive
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So weird a guy ate a bat halfway across the world and now I can’t go to the gym.
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Thanks, how does it feel to have your name finally attached to something funny?
... but not gonna lie this single tweet is funnier than your entire netflix special
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Not only will I wear nike w adidas I will ALSO wear a puma hat AND a Reebok tennis skirt fuck all this shit.
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Imagine thinking she ACTUALLY was so secretly racist that THIS was the time she was like “Fuck it. I gotta say the N word.” Anyone who thinks she REALLY said it is a fuckin straight up moron.
Earlier today, while reporting on the tragic news of Kobe Bryant’s passing, I unfortunately stuttered on air, combining the names of the Knicks and the Lakers to say “Nakers.” Please know I did not & would NEVER use a racist term. I apologize for the confusion this caused.
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These people are absolute dogshit lol.
😱
#Florida
spring-breakers:
“If I get
#corona
, I get corona....I’m not going to let it stop me from parting.”
#Coronavirus
“is really messing up my spring break.”
“This virus ain’t that serious.”
We’re “trying to get drunk before everything closes.”
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You are mad someone is making fun of your girls name and you named her “Abcde”? What did you... think... was... gonna... happen...
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This guy asks for a picture. Dwight Howard was nice enough to take it with him. Then this asshole finds out Dwight Howard is gay and uses the picture to slur him because of that. This is the worst kind of asshole.
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Maybe like a scientist or a doctor probably.
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I’m not sorry for any of the jokes I’ve ever made in my life. I don’t give a fuck what you think about it. Figure your own shit out if your feelings are hurt. 😀
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Uh... 4?
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Honestly? I can’t believe people would care about this EITHER way. If someone called it a holiday tree. Who. Absolutely. Gives a shit? It matters zero. Call it a fuckin Subaru I don’t give a shit.
This is a Christmas Tree that is used by people celebrating Christmas 🎄
This is not a holiday tree.
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I didn’t know you were following me or even that you existed until you tweeted this. But honestly it sucks now that I have to quit the business. Let me know if you ever change your mind and start following me again so I can absolutely keep making fucking millions of dollars.
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How much toilet paper do you need for 14 days, you assholes?
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Bernie dropped out. Now if only Trump and Biden would drop out.
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No it’s not.
new vlog...
the end of logan paul vlogs
important that you watch 😕
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Lmao! Bro this guy would steal ALL of your girls. He would literally steal you too. He’d fuck you, man. He would make love to you and you’re straight. Fuck off with that “dad bod” shit.
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How come if you’re offended by someone’s comedy it can’t just be your cup of tea and then that’s it? Why do you have to write 40 blogs about it? The comedy isn’t the problem. You are.
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It’s almost like these animals would rather be running free.
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Spread your light fearlessly lmao just kidding what if I said shit like that
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Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like... it’s just... not.
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This shit made me want to go to a crowded dance club and kiss everyone.
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You won an Oscar lmao what’s goin on?
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When it cuts to the second angle and you realize she’s alone in the car... that’s... that’s the saddest ive ever been... when I realized there wasn’t a friend with her.
if someone fucking did this to me at st*rbucks I would have put my mouth on the steam wand and turned it on
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This is just unreal. What a fucking piece of shit. Imagine this is your son. Wooooooooow.
Nothing like sitting on a plane for hours, having to emergency land because of an asshole and then getting spit directly in the face. (Via ig: laffdawg)
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I want to go on record RIGHT here. If you have ever, EVER made a comment under a YouTube video of ANY sort... make no mistake... you are 11. You are an 11 year old if you have ever done that.
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You know what will be even less funny? When your fans grow up and become mine.
chris this whole exchange is really similar to your life
as time passes, your jokes get less and less funny
#sorrydaddy
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Ask your fans to have their moms read this tweet out loud to them. See what they think.
idk what’s worse, being the shunned vlogger or being the 38 year old comedian arguing with the shunned vlogger over twitter
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... oh
Lizzo with a message: "If my name is in your mouth, so is my p*ssy, b*tch."
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You think I won’t get a turtleneck? I’ll get a fucking turtleneck.
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I was definitely wondering this. Thank you.
In case you were wondering, this is what Harry Styles’ hands are looking like for tonight’s
#METGala
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Hey don’t have a gender reveal party. Just have the doctor tell you and then that’s it.
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It would be so fucking hilarious if Trump got the coronavirus. Like so funny.
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If that were my grandson, I would pull my own plug immediately.
imagine you in the hospital bed fighting for ya life and ya lame ass grandson doing this 💀💀
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Straight pride parade? Hey guys... if you’re in a parade, you’re gay.
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Sound so good can’t wait to try this.
last night i had cereal with milk for the first time. life changing.
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It doesn’t even matter...
I got drunk yesterday in the pool and kinda remember sending a weather forecast to this extremely attractive guy i have a crush on and then I found this
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Worst husband. She should get “Anotha one”.
DJ Khaled says he doesn't perform oral sex, but expects it from his wife because he's the king: "Different rules for men"
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Drunk girl to me and my buddy: “Do you guys know each other?”
Me: “Yes”
Her: “Well you do now.”
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I want to see all the dogs. I don’t want one dog to exist that I haven’t seen.
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GUYS There’s TWO RULES at the gym.
1 - Don’t hit on girls.
2 - Don’t work out so close to the dumbbells that people can’t get to them.
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I took myself on a dinner date. Alone. And you know what? It was good as shit. Food was good. Thought about wtf I wanted to think about. Laughed a little. That was fuckin bomb. I’m out on the TOWN. Idgaf!
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Every dog is my dog. Whenever I see a new dog in my head I go “That’s my dog now.”
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Hey. So
@Eminem
and
@Logic301
put my impression of Em on their new song. It comes out this Friday. I’ve known for a few days but since it’s Friday in some countries, I’m tweeting it now. Things like this are just... unreal to me. Thanks, guys!
#wholebunchofboxes
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I’m on onlyfans can’t wait to show you my tits for 40 bucks
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Hey on Instagram today someone I don’t give a fuck about went live with someone else I don’t give a fuck about.
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Just saw a girls insta story with a bird on it and she wrote “For some reason animals just appear in my life.”
The reason is because animals are just... around.
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Guy - “Hey are you famous?”
Me - “No.”
Guy - “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me - “I don’t speak English.”
Guy - “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me - “The Ukraine.”
Guy - “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me - “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
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Telling someone you’re unfollowing them is like walking up to them and tapping them on the shoulder to tell them you aren’t talking to them. Why would I fucking give a shit about this? I didn’t even know you existed lol.
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Damn you trying to make us stop drinking milk or fuck cows? Next time don’t make the cows tits so bomb, ya know?
Looks weird right?
It's what you're doing if you drink cow's milk ✋ Raise your hand if you know that humans shouldn’t be drinking cow’s breast milk. It was made for their babies—not you!
Art by
@choicebison
@freebison
💙
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What about the... movie? No one cared then?
Shaun White is facing backlash for dressing up as Simple Jack, an intellectually disabled character from Tropic Thunder, for Halloween.
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This dude is a straight up BITCH. What a child.
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I shot my newest Netflix special last night in Minneapolis.
Get ready, my babies.
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That’s it. I’m killing an armadillo for no reason.
Words matter, and as our understanding of social justice evolves, our language evolves along with it. Here’s how to remove speciesism from your daily conversations.
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Just had a big argument with my family and everyone disagreed with me on all of it and honestly they didn’t change my mind at all and I still believe what I believed in the beginning of the conversation so it’s all good.
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This is not true. This has never been true. This will never be true.
Dad bods are more attractive to women than rock hard abs: survey
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I’m ugly today. Nothing I can do. Just gonna roll with it.
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So far you’ve called me daddy and admitted to watching my entire comedy special. Are you trying to burn me or fuck me?
You know what will be even less funny? When they don’t and you continue to make podcasts in your basement for the rest of your life 🙌🏼
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There are so many videos on YouTube “how this famous star works out to get in shape for his roles” and NONE of them mention steroids it’s so funny. Like dude you do steroids. Lol.
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Everyone was bullied for fuck’s sake. I’m tired of this bullying shit. He’s a murderer.
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#TBT
to the first time I roasted
@justinbieber
on stage. I'm doing it again on
@ComedyCentral
March 30th
#BieberRoast
http://t.co/1MWeuOEHEj
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Well these guys should lose their jobs huh? This is just fucking horrendous. I actually can’t believe my eyes and ears.
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Here’s something I should have tweeted in 2013 but I’m way late to the game. I just finished Breaking Bad. What an unbelievable show. It’s the greatest show of all time. How can any show ever be better than that? Wow.
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Acting. Do you know how shit works?
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Who the fuck has been saying I’m ugly?
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Making this AWFUL tragedy about you is pretty unbelievable. So quick question: Are you Satan?
Appreciate the congrats for being right on radical Islamic terrorism, I don't want congrats, I want toughness & vigilance. We must be smart!
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Hey guys. “James Bond” is not a woman so relax. James Bond is James Bond. They made 007 a woman and also? Who gives a fuckin shit? The whole thing is made up. There’s no real James Bond. You can’t get mad at someone changing something that never existed in the first place, DORKS.
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Listen. If my kid gets to this age and can do this I’m moving wherever I gotta move to whatever dance school he needs and settling this motherfucker up to THRIVE. I LOVE this.
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The same people who are outraged over wearing masks put on pants every day. The law says you have to wear pants AND masks. So I don’t respect any non-mask wearer unless their penises/vaginas are out and about too. Fuck you, you don’t stand for shit, you shill.
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“Blapkins”
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I hate to say “some people deserve to die” but can you guys please make it harder for me to say it than THIS?
Clearwater Beach, Florida is PACKED today despite "social distancing" recommendations.
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29 people died and they cut together this victorious shit with the Halo score LOL wtf
My time spent in Dayton and El Paso with some of the greatest people on earth. Thank you for a job well done!
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I like it so much that if you ever take it down I'm going to kill myself.
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How about this? You’re my son. Tag your fuckin daddy. I’m your fuckin daddy.
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Lmaooooo this dude rips
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I can’t tell you how much I love this kid!!!! Hahahahaha so cute!!!!
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