My weight loss goal? To be able to shit it all off. Wish me luck!

I don’t exercise, not even for demons

Fuck it. Entire "Mama I'm Coming Home" from Ozzy's final set.

All my friends started the same self care regimen together behind my back. When I confronted them they said “figured you wouldn’t be into it”

My wife has started calling me Big Dawg

I know that doing drugs isn’t the answer but what if we stared asking different questions so it was

Starting a Police tribute band called Undercover

I tried to do some research on porn addiction. Far too much reading not enough pictures.

If you gathered all the shits I’ve taken in 2025 and put them in a blender I’d think you are some kinda sick freak! Why would you do that? How could you even? When did you start gathering? Yuck!

Donuts tase best dipped in coffee by hands still dirty from manual labor

The new book contains a new intro from @DougStanhope and a preview of my next novel. Pre order now. On shelves March 25.

Nothing in the world will make you feel dumb like having a hard time finding the start of a toilet paper roll.

Has anyone called taking a shit a “rocket from the crypt”?

No matter who wins today I feel I’m owed an apology

I’ll never be as happy as someone with no taste in music listening to AC/DC

Damn, @charpiecomedy ‘s wedding was such a fucking blast

You guys ever have a conversation and after a little while realize their not talking about what you thought they were talking about but it’s been going for too long to to say that so you see if you can just ride it out? Anyway, I’m getting married this weekend.

Kris Kristofferson was an outlaw country legend. RIP here he is telling the truth about America

“At Franklin and Testical we make the possible, impossible”