Zak Toscani
@zak_toscani
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Formerly @zaktoscani -Stand Up Comedian - mentioned by AV Club, Newsweek, The Oregonian
Joined September 2021
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CDC recommends splitting up your quarantine over your two 15min breaks
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Theres one 4th of July that sticks out to me, 1997. That’s the year my stepdad pulled me aside from the fireworks show to reveal he bought a grenade. He tossed it off a nearby cliff and just he and I watched it explode. I started calling him dad after that. The man earned it
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Male friend during your friendship: life’s good man, I can’t complain
Male friend during their wedding vows: my life was pure hell before you. I had no hopes. I was surrounded by losers
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Growing up goth on Hawaii meant that all my Aloha t-shirts only stood for goodbye
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Point to clarify: we lived on the big island of Hawaii, he threw it off a cliff into the ocean, I never asked how he got it
I’m a standup and if you feel like supporting me, I got a 20+min set available, pay what you want, DM me for the link
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Anytime I see a cowboy with a cell phone attached to their belt, I always assume they have a slightly smaller phone strapped to their ankle
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I’ve always loved that baseball managers still have to wear the team full uniform. Imagine this for NBA and NFL coaches
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Back when I drank, I often stole pool balls from the bars, hide them in friends coats, and on their way home I’d text them “7 ball, your left coat pocket”
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And also no, you can’t steal your own story/tweet. Thank the dumbass meme accounts you follow for your confusion
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Saw a man get stopped in the TSA line as he had several 2 liters of 7UP in his carryon. When security told him about the liquid restrictions, instead of pouring them out, he opted to chug them one at a time. The whole line was cheering him on. He said it was his first time flying
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I signed up on the waitlist for a tennis membership in Portland in 2011, they told me it would be years as “members don’t quit, they die.” So it was a chilling moment today when I received an email telling me it’s my turn
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Tried to watch Fireplace For Your Home on Netflix, but it just wouldn’t start. Guess I forgot to put the login
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Guy in the Taco Bell drive thru asked the speaker box “what do you recommend?”
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They keep making Batman movies progressively “grittier” eventually a Batman movie is going to be 4 hours of a man screaming at mud at midnight in the pitch dark
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Daniel Day Lewis' wife asked him about doing role play to spice up their love life and now he's been living with a family of Norwegian plumbers for 7 yrs really trying to get it right
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Pitching a show called Anecdotes Roadshow, where folks come out and tell me an amusing story about how they got their coffee table, coin collection, or oil painting and then I tell them if the story sucks or not
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Being part of a huge Italian family means that when we all get together we have to share rooms. So I’m sharing a hotel room with my two uncles, and one of them goes “I keep putting this burrito in the microwave but it’s not getting hot” folks it was the hotel safe
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Return of the Mack was actually the last song in a song trilogy, it goes
A New Mack
Empire Strikes Mack
Return of the Mack
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I know he’s not on Twitter so I’m not sure he’d be so happy with me sharing this with the world but every single morning David Gborie wakes up at the crack of dawn and plays the entire harmonica solo of Run Around by Blues Traveler flawlessly. It’s his morning coffee, he says
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Me calling a restaurant: Hello, I was wondering if my wife is there?
Restaurant: can you describe her?
Me: THE WOMAN IS A TITAN. vivacious. cunning. She is 50% vim and 50% vigor. She has achieved full ego death. To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. An enigma
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If you struggle with imposter syndrome just remember that there are nba players who cannot dribble
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It wasn’t intentional but all my friends are the type of people who make their money back at a buffet
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The inherent flaw in dating apps is that it relies on people knowing themselves
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As a youth I was goth until I had a mango for the first time
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I want the meat kief, I want the asbeefstos, I want the meatsothelioma
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Me calling a restaurant: Hi, I am wondering if my wife is there?
Maître d': Can you describe her?
Me: THE WOMAN IS A TITAN! She vivacious, she’s cunning, she’s an enigma. Equal parts vim and vigor. She’s achieved true ego death. Go look for the brightest light in the room
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Didn’t wanna say anything and pile on but at Ian and Dana’s wedding, during the dinner portion, James Corden walked by my table and then bit my bare arm, and then made me apologize to him for it not tasting like lobster
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Growing up goth in Hawaii meant that my ukulele was in drop d tuning
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Had an idea two years ago that I got illustrated and now I am realizing I was sitting on a goldmine
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Start making chicken Parm sandwiches where the marinara is a dipping sauce instead of a condiment. I cede the rest of my time, thank you senator
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I believe in the supernatural. Not ghosts, ghouls, or goblins. More like the belief that a car wash will make my car feel better and thus fix the mechanical issues
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If I did a podcast about what it’s like doing this house show tour, would you be interested in something like that?
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Hello! I’m a stand up comedian not currently performing due to the recent surges of COVID
BUT! I do have a 20min video of a set I did back in August that I’m very happy with. I’d love to share it with you!
Pay what you want or even pay after you watch! DM me for the link
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Cancel Culture, the artist formerly known as Repercussions
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Can’t stand ppl who don’t give up a recipe bc it’s a “family secret”. First of all, it’s not like your family is living off these cinnamon rolls. Secondly, you’ve told me that you cheat on your wife. So is it fucking cardamon or not Peter?!
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Happy 2023 folks - last night in a small harbor bar in the desert of the Big Island of Hawaii, David and I got recognized for being comedians - it was pretty wild
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Keep on an eye what’s happening in the Hill home. Very interesting.
They’re in trouble with the law and the mafia.
They have one remaining asset, and that’s the dope that the cops didn’t find. But, Karen flushed the coke.
Now why would Karen do that?
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Hard to describe to people what suburban Applebees were like in the early 00’s, after a high school football game, everyone who was everyone was there. It was a night of appetizer opulence and bottomless soda. It was our Studio 54, our Studio 2for$20
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“You guys ever try fighting fire with fire? Could work…” - Rogan to a firefighter in the grocery store
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Growing up goth on Hawaii meant I formed an all metal ukulele group called Lei’d To Rest
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ALEXA! Find blurriest picture of my friend for a promotion - Sean Jordan
PORTLAND! High Note PDX is proud to present this months headliner
@zak_toscani
🎉🎉 Thursday 3/30! w
@shainbrenden
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Me calling a restaurant: Hello, I was wondering if my wife is there?
Restaurant: can you describe her?
Me: THE WOMAN IS A TITAN. vivacious. cunning. She is 50% vim and 50% vigor. She has achieved full ego death. To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. An enigma
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Driving solo from LA to Portland right now and I just bought so much fast food that its weight turned my passenger side air bag on
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If you support Barstool you are supporting a rapist. If you work for Barstool, you work for a rapist. Get your fucking life together
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One of baseballs unwritten rules is that your not supposed to call your coach “dad”
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I know he’s not on Twitter so I’m not sure he’d be so happy with me sharing this with the world but every single morning David Gborie wakes up at the crack of dawn and plays 45 minutes of flawless Spanish guitar. It’s his morning coffee, he says
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There’s a couple wahoos that are upset with me taking money for a story I told. “You’re just gonna charge people for an anecdote?!” Damn dude. What till you find out about stand up comedy
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Did a house show in Champaign IL awhile back and near the end of my set this drunk woman leaned back in her chair, gazed at the stars, and to no one in particular said out loud “can’t wait to get home and eat some beans”
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If only there was some kind of scientific way to avoid getting a “severe flu”
Information coming from Serbia is that Novak Djokovic had a severe flu against Jannik Sinner which explained the loss.
"He got a fever the night before the semi-final. Something similar to what Zverev had. He was sick for three weeks, and then he had a relapse. That's why he
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This is word for word the speech I gave at Ian and Dana’s wedding
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“Comics are the ones shining a light on the darkest and scariest parts of life and if we can’t say…” shut the fuck up. You’re not a light in the darkness, you’re a bigot with a microphone
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Please stop following accounts like these, these folks are dipshits
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I fully believe that friends should trade off paying for meals instead of splitting every bill down the middle
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Being a single dude at a zoo on a weekday, people are looking at me like I’m here just to establish an alibi
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Never understood calling it “the walk of shame” bc the morning after a hookup is the only time when life feels like a musical
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Ppl who don’t give you a recipe bc it’s a “family secret” are weird. First of all, it’s not like your family is living off these fucking cinnamon rolls and secondly, you’ve told me you cheat on your wife before so like is it fucking clove or not Barry?
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If you gotta know what happened to the Shrimp Fried Rice lady/story! Hit me with whatever you can afford on Venmo (
@zak
-toscani) include your email address and I’ll send you three long updates on the case
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Did a house show for middle school and high school teachers. I had some things to say
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Anytime I think I may be addicted to weed, I just imagine replacing the smoking with a different habit, like eating hot dogs. Still don’t know if I’m addicted or not, but the idea of furiously slamming two hot dogs in a car before a first date to relieve anxiety is hilarious
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I would say 15% of these house shows are booked by a husband months in advance
Then two weeks before the show I’ll get a message from the wife “Brad just told me about a show at our house?!? What is this?”
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In Ancient Greece there were lines around the pantheon full of kids waiting for a new realization to drop
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I got a stepmom’s taste in music
(They say that posting standup clips on Twitter does nothing. But goddamnit I love you)
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The only positive male role model I had growing up was my mom in drag
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My dating pattern suggests I’m the gateway drug to either bisexuality or moving across the country. Either way, I’ll help you get there
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I hate it when people stop me in public to tell me “you look like Jesus!” But I suppose that’s my cross to bear
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did a middle of the day corporate show, so I knew the longer I performed meant less time back at their desks
I turned down the lapel mic so I could use the lectern, it was the closest to filibustering I’ll ever get
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My mom got some old negatives developed. This was her first restaurant in Cincinnati, Market of Garfield. Really ahead of its time.
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Sex is a lot like Taco Bell. The ingredients have always been the exact same and yet we are always innovating
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You love food so much that right before you die your brain releases BLT
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Pretty cool Vulture article about your boy and my house shows - - and you can book your own in 2024!
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A fan of
@AllFantasyPod
made me a shirt of a pick I made and brought it to me at my Atlanta House Show. Y’all rule!
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I know he’s not on Twitter so I’m not sure he’d be so happy with me sharing this with the world but every single morning David Gborie wakes up at the crack of dawn and plays Clare De Lune flawlessly. It’s his morning coffee, he says
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I’ve really built a life for myself where I get to wake up, watch some tennis, get stoned, go play some tennis, and then do comedy. This fucking rules and it’s all I’ve ever wanted
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@InternetH0F
What kind of a fucking loser steals images of tweets and then blurs the names out?
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Earlier today I bought a large fruit tart to bring over to a friend’s thanksgiving day dinner. But it got cancelled and now it’s just me and this large fruit tart alone in this hotel room in Albuquerque NM
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R.I.P. Uncle Michael - you spend 35 wonderful years in our family. You made us stronger, more empathetic, and you loved people so damn much. I’ll never forget your warm voice that could put you to ease instantly. Thank you for taking care of us and my Uncle Peter
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R.I.P. to Robbie Robertson. When the shrimp fried rice story blew up, he followed me on here.
After months of handwringing, I finally DM’d him to tell him how much his work meant to me. He then immediately unfollowed me. Hahaha. A truly understandable move.
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