yeah fuck this i'm going all in recovery

bloating was soooo bad today and painful!! like, really painful!!!

opened a jar of biscoff yesterday and it's already halfway empty hehehe

LUNCHHHH with my mom :D this was sooo good i had more than one slice hehe. mellow mushroom is my fave!!

RT @MyRadarWX: BREAKING: Melissa has been retroactively upgraded to 190 mph Category 5 – up from the 185 mph "operational" intensity assign…

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.✦ ݁˖recovery was the BEST decision i've ever made for myself. only YOU can escape this disorder, nobody can do it for you. you are not alone, and my dms are open to EVERYONE who needs to talk. you are never a burden, please reach out 💗

it's difficult for me to respond to this mental hunger because i feel like it's not as valid as physical, therefore i shouldn't honor it. BUT! if i don't honor it, then the craving gets louder, so it's best i just eat!!

☆my cravings are so loud and don't go away unless i have exactly what i want, like i said before. but often times my stomach is too full to fulfill this mental hunger, so i feel really guilty.

2.) eating past comfortable fullness

physically, i'm really hungry too. i get hungry every 1-2 hours and it's URGENT. if i don't eat right away, i feel faint, weak, and can't stop thinking about food. once i start eating, i scarf down my meal because i'm just SO HUNGRY

and my cravings are sooo loud. if i don't have exactly what i want, in the portion that i want, i'm not satisfied. which makes sense!! i've been depriving myself for so long, my brain isn't going to stop until i give it what it wants. and that's okay!!

☆the food noise is TERRIBLE. but, to be fair, it was terrible when i was restricting as well (if not worse). but all i think about is food 😫 the only way to make this go away is to KEEP EATING!! so i will be doing that :D

1.) food noise, mental hunger, and extreme hunger

*ੈ✩‧₊˚my struggles

and i don't feel guilty if i don't get to practice, or if i don't walk a lot in a day, because my body DESERVES to rest!!!

☆I DON'T HAVE TO PACE ALL DAY ANYMORE!!!!!! oh my gosh it's amazing. i can sit down and doomscroll on my phone in PEACE. i can walk around because i like to move, not because i need to hit a step goal. and i can practice volleyball to get better, not to burn calories

6.) I CAN REST!!!

☆my eating disorder was all about CONTROL. to compensate for a lack of control around other stressers in my life, i starved and overworked myself. but i didn't realize that i was actually letting it control ME. now, i'm taking back that control by ignoring disordered thoughts!

5.) i'm taking my life back

☆instead of looking at recipes and wishing i could make them, share them with people, and enjoy them myself... i just DO it. i wanted to bake for my family, so i DID. and they loved the muffins i made! and i did too, because nothing stopped me from eating them!!