cal50
@cal50
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Following
2,872
Media
1,796
Statuses
49,386
situationally funny & smart when nobody's looking. alt is @calshitty i'm a dude
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Joined March 2009
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my sister in law has stage 2 cancer & is about to start chemo, so she isn't working and won't be able to. she lives with her girlfriend but one income will be tough, so if you're kind enough to share this &/or kick $5 to her, we will really appreciate it.
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sorry for being nostalgia baited but it was kind of nice where the internet was a single, solitary, unmoving place instead of a terror that extends to everywhere. you went to this specific spot to go to the internet. when you left the spot, you left the internet. it was a place
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generations are mostly fake but i have arbitrarily decided that the millennial / gen-z line is whether this joke lands
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this is like the 23rd time this exact tweet has gone viral. yall need to learn who goatse is
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if you transported a 1999 guy into a grocery store now they would see every regular bag of chips costs at least $6 and then immediately kill themselves before you could even explain covid
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boygenius 100% got snubbed from the obama list because lucy called him a war criminal. that's very funny
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supersize me type movie where a guy eats arbys for a month and gets stronger and doctors tell him he's getting healthier
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amazing how some people can just buy an $0.87 jacket or some other under a dollar bullshit on temu and at no point during the checkout process do they think 'something is wrong here'
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spotify emails will say anything. "IDLES made you something special". no they didn't. i've heard their music
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cyberpunk 2077 bravely asks the question "what if you lived in a dystopia". yeah what if. thatd be crazy
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philly lost because they made me listen to one too many diy bands called mom dog between 2012 and 2016
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wrapping my kia around an old oak tree because i was in the middle of tweeting 'whoever invented water was lowkey on a vibe'
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putting on my guy fawkes mask & large hoodie as i install robinhood & immediately lose $15. i am the resistance
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my face when, hold on let me think about this..........when the tinder date is slapping
sorry i'm trying to go viral so i can pay for whatever medical emergency i'm sure i'll face before i turn 40. i'm married and i do not go on tinder dates. the premise of this tweet is a farce
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why do i do this to myself (search public facebook posts for ivermectin)
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a primary conflict of this website is people who tweet jokes only intended to be read by their friends or people who already know them VS people who cannot understand why someone would ever do that
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super monkey ball is probably the best video game that heavily features branding by a fruit company whose founder led a coup against hawaii's monarchy
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just said the phrase "open-casket funeral at dave & busters" & am stunned by how much dark energy i can feel radiating off of it so i had to share
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honestly this part of the dmx interview about obama is even better than the part everyone quotes
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No Country For Old Men & There Will Be Blood were the Antz & A Bug's Life of 2007
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also please don't assume i'm some roman statue avatar dipshit conservative guy. i know the internet has positive sides. thanks
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what do those people think. probably just 'wow i'm getting such a good deal'. that's so alien to me
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lol this is me
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thinking about how i made my gmail display name Beef Ham as a joke before i was even out of college, and then realized almost 2 years after graduating that anytime i had to e-mail a resume it was being sent from "Beef Ham"
so i guess i should change my gmail name from Beef Ham before i send out any more job emails jesus fucking christ
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some guy posted on reddit a few years ago something like "why the fuck don't i ever see my neighbors bringing in groceries" and it has popped into my head every week since then. and in my most.dumb guy moments i sincerely understand where he was coming from
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doing an npr tiny desk spinoff called large desk. it's the same but with one notable exception
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Your Toilet 2022 Wrapped:
-730 shits
-964 pees
-1,454 individual flushes
-Time spent on toilet: 306.5 hours
-Longest toilet session: 2 h 45 m
-Shortest toilet session: 1 m
See you in 2023!
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when you saw 92 sets of footprints in the sand, it was then that i let the dogs out
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ohio minimum wage workers what are you looking forward to buying with the new 10 cent minimum wage raise from 8.70 to 8.80 that starts in january. in 2 weeks at 40 hours a week, that's $8 before taxes - you almost earn enough to order a wendys combo meal. hell yeah!
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if the boy and the heron came out today it would have to be called the soy and the karen
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yeah if you're old enough to have a living memory of the world in 2001-2003, you either feel so insane right now or you never learned anything to begin with and you're being sucked into the same propaganda hamster wheel all over again & in denial about it. those are the 2 options
having to sit back and watch the same 9/11 propaganda tactics be used and be successful is making me go insane
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this is so melodic, i need someone to sample it and loop it
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found 2020's theme song
Instrument: Brass Hit 04
Tempo: 150.0
Played in the key of C.
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death of the author is a concept that refers to the fact that many writers are meek & can easily be killed, usually just with bare hands
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belle and sebastian: oh! imagine the world's saddest woman, she is also reading a book! (horn solo)
me: splendid
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i knew david crosby died before i saw the formal death announcement because suddenly, several different people i follow immediately began retweeting him. it was like a 21 posters salute
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this website is like walking through a half-empty mall where everyone around you is engaged in a yelling match for some reason, there are no stores left, and everywhere you look is an ad for $0.39 sandals from temu and cheech & chong gummies. i can't imagine why it's dying
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if not touching my face is a way to avoid coronavirus then i'm definitely getting coronavirus. i can't stop touching that piece of shit
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just when you thought it was safe to go back to the church in the mall...
it's baaaaack
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a tv show getting canceled for someone being deeply racist is the closest thing to a political victory any of us feel. fuck this dumbass country
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twitter trending topics
1. mcdonalds kills ronald mcdonald
2. joe rogan doesn't like eating pussy
3. mass shooting you forget about
4. some guy cuts food in a weird way & you're going to argue about it for some reason
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ikea furniture was made for 118 lb swedish people to sit on for 5 minutes at a time when they're not away from home on one of their several vacations that their job gives them enough PTO time to take. don't understand how it took off in america
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*getting killed at a grocery store* ah fuck it appears i'm being killed by an ArmaLite rifle
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john fetterman's having another mental health crisis
Someone playing Marvins Room so loudly that it is shaking the building and setting off car alarms
Praying for this man
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why is every terf on twitter so single-mindedly focused. never found a terf that tweets about a 2nd subject. the full time racists tend to also talk about sports, for one
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why do famous people namesearch on twitter. fuckin go eat gold in your castle and shut up
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drake: the weeknd gets played at gay clubs 😜
kendrick: you are a pedophile, fuck your family, die,
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to the people replying to me who aren't old enough to rent a car, i wasn't offering any opinion on boygenius at all - positive or negative - other than that they've appeared on an obama list before
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reading things this funny seems like a cosmic consolation prize for the world burning
NEW: A hacker took control and locked the chastity cages of several men, asking them for a ransom to unlock them.
"Your cock is mine now," the hacker told one of the victims.
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i'm the guy that shows obama what hot new music comes out every year. i was fired for showing him why by chat pile
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(this user enjoyed their first 2 albums at the time of their release but thinks they turned into a much worse version of themselves ever since)
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michelle branch i am also some dipshit from ohio but at least i am not responsible for the black keys. my dms are open
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if your job makes you go into work (this is like 85% of people including me) the least you can do in return is steal some toilet paper
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obsessed with this room i saw in a house listing. do you wanna come over and squint at my 32 inch TV from 25 feet away
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one of my best friends passed away. what i'm thinking about now is i'm thankful that the last time i saw him about a week ago, i told him i loved him. we were just hanging out & eating pizza. tell your friends you love them because you won't know when the last opportunity is
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me on twitter in 2010: i can't imagine using the block button, most people aren't using this platform & nobody talks to me
me on twitter in 2018: i will block you for telling me that chick-fil-a is good
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group dm, monday morning: I believe in your ability to change, king. we're here for you
group dm, thursday morning: whats the most hot dogs youve eaten at once
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young kids now are being raised on algorithmically generated youtube videos where spiderman gets hit by a truck that elsa from frozen is driving, which is arguably worse. at least when i saw a man broke a jar off in his anus, there was a human being on the other end of it
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that smell in the air? football. it's time to cheer for points, wisk the ol pigball around, levitate through goalposts, transform into dust
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@robotbraden
i searched ivermectin on facebook for public posts and groups because i hate my sanity i guess
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was your dad a failed baker, cause your buns look like shit. wait, sorry. wrong foot; name's Bobby. hey is that your dad he has a nice ass
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i don't want
to seem like i care about material things
like a social status
i just want
four walls
1 bedroom
1 bathroom
800 square feet
$2995/mo
$500 non refundable security deposit
various amenities within walkable distance
cats/dogs not allowed
remodeled wooden floors
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the dick sucking factory i work at is making us wear masks, how am i supposed to do my job
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it would probably feel good to get your arms & legs stretched out by one of those medieval limb-pulling torture devices. just not like 100% of the way, maybe just 25%. lemme test it out
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@Horse_Jeans
"suffering from success debuted at number 7" is one of the funniest things on earth to me
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this site's gimmick at this point is "what if a mall was mean to you"
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the reason aliens don't visit us is because we look like a cute little blue marble but then they get closer to us and realize 'i know it smell crazy in there' then zip off
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