Branson Reese 🇵🇸
@bransonreese
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This was so beautiful. The perfect expression of the barren, windswept void at the heart of the whole thing. A grift without an ounce of style or even audacity. The kind of scam a calculator would invent. No two organisms have ever had worse chemistry than this.
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Every once in a while people rediscover that this is what the original says and they get so mad at me that they have to go to the hospital.
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*looking over to you with a sad but proud look on my face and nodding goodbye before turning back to face the gunman* gree-.
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Angels: fake .Dragons: Real but extinct .Leprechauns: Real but I think their powers are more limited than stories would have you believe. Critically endangered. Chupacabra: I don't want to speak over latino voices on this one. I'm listening. Bigfoot: fake and extinct.
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I think a good horror movie death would be a guy is looking through a keyhole and you're like "that eye's toast" but then he gets his dick ripped off through the mail slot.
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I've seen these signs in person, they're the most playful and harmless stuff imaginable. This is a bald faced attempt to weaponize an actress's fandom against a union. Fuck off with this. Eat shit, in fact.
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Remembering when the NYPD tried to claim Shake Shack poisoned some milkshakes because two cops got diarrhea. Anyway I’m sure they’re telling the truth now.
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Made some new pokemon starters in case they run out or something
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Happy "THATS THE ORIGINAL??" day to me
BREAKING: Graham Moon, 23 of Grindon Lane, a student at the University of Sunderland, has been convicted of possessing indecent images in the form of Bart Simpson being sexually abused by his mother Marge. He has been sentenced to a community order, and will not be placed on the.
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I personally think it rocks that the supreme court justices' home addresses and credit card info is all getting leaked online. It's okay if you disagree but I'm ultimately correct to feel this way.
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One of my favorite moves on here is when you mention that some politician is a straight up war criminal and somebody jumps in like “oh and you’re perfect?”.
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Guy next to me on the train is reading my phone so I google image searched “zootopia orgy” and he just sort of nodded like “big deal” and he’s watching me type this RIGHT NOW and he’s still just nodding and honestly dude hats off to you on this power move; you win, I lose.
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You have eight hours to eat this (you can pause the clock and the food will stay warm) for 70,000 and if you don’t finish you still get 35,000. Would you accept?
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The tall guys who stand in the back at shows so they don't block anybody's view are thought to be a separate offshoot of humanity, more given to empathy and rumored to go to a better heaven upon dying.
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If you fall asleep on the Fourth of July Uncle Sam takes you to hell with him
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Showing this to my doctor instead of paying.
On my watch, health care is a right in this country – not a privilege.
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A Tesla just cut me off and then immediately rear-ended the guy in front of him lmao.
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The Taco Bell chihuahua was famous for like two entire years but we’ve already moved on from Cybertruck. The human body was not built for this. We’re headed for a wall I don’t think we’re ready for.
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Strike one, President Bush!.
The silence of George W Bush during the most consequential election in our lifetime is indefensible.
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There was an Aqua Teen Hunger Force dvd where if you’d select “play all” it would split the screen into like twenty sections and play all of them at once in a horrible cacophony. Extremely good and frustrating joke that I don’t think you were able to bypass.
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These kids took my uniform and now they're taking out ad space to taunt me and the cops won't fucking do anything about it
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Everybody goes so hard on Elon Musk because if you dunk on, like, Cruz or McConnell nothing happens; they don't care. It's like punching the wind. But if you make fun of Elon Musk, there's at least a 93% chance he'll see it and turn beet red and steam will shoot out of his ears.
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There was a commercial when I was a kid where Sylvester was nice to Tweety because it was Christmas. It's never been about hunger for Sylvester, it's about hatred. A hatred that bows only to his Christianity.
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Liked a tweet I didn’t understand. Just dug the vibe.
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In 2006 Bobby Boris Pickett performed the Monster Mash live and prefaced it by saying "Elvis once called this the dumbest song he ever heard. Well, Elvis. I'm still alive.".
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I clicked translate on one of the responses to this and it was, like, “Macron you have forgotten the human element. This man soars with no meaning. He is guided by technology while his spirit sits dormant on the ground.”.
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The most fucked up thing I ever did was in college my roommate got really high so I invited people over and told them he had a big announcement to make.
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I personally think “abolish the police” is a good slogan. The reason I think this is because it would be extremely good if we abolished the police.
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Funniest part of Hamlet is when he has a clean shot to revenge kill his uncle but doesn’t do it because his uncle is praying and Hamlet wants him to go to hell when he dies. Gotta respect that.
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Me, age 7: Joy to the world! Barney's dead! They barbecued his head. What happened to his body? They flushed it down the potty (and round and round it goes).Wil Wheaton, trembling: Appalling. Unforgivable. Despicable.
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Thirty five year old me, materializing in front of myself in 1997: They're going to have Magic The Gathering Hot Pockets in 2023!.Nine year old me: Quiet your foolishness. Stand they still the Towers Twin? How fare they?.
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The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”.
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Something you get from watching hours and hours of Looney Tunes and MST3K at a young age that I wish more people had is the ability to enjoy a joke without necessarily understanding the specific reference being made.
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Cool photo I took when I woke up right after Joe Camel hit me with his car
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"Essentially, the film has hit its runtime and will no longer continue playing unless you watch it again"
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Lucille Bluth is one of the all-time great television performances imo but also objectively.
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Don’t tag me into the conversation if you see somebody talking shit about me. I’m not going to fight them, I don’t care. I’m perfect; I’m more important than the sun.
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I’m sorry but you gotta be kidding me with Marge Simpson’s hair.
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Robert Downey Jr. never has to work another day in his life after Endgame. Dolittle is the passion project he always wanted to make. Everything else was a means to an end. This is the real man, finally unmasked.
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Every game should have three mascots: one for each team and a third who roams freely with no allegiances, immune to the laws of man.
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For me, the perfect breakfast is an enormous cold brew and no food for hours until I finally remember to eat only because I’m in physical agony.
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They hate the honking so bad. It fucks up their meetings and makes it impossible to get most stuff done. Just something to keep in mind if you're driving by and want to do something badass and helpful.
Spotted outside of the Warner Bros lot. They don’t like how much people are honking in support of writers. We can’t help that people love us 💁🏾♂️ #WGAstrong
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Billionaire funded assassin after trying one cell and Ghislaine isn’t in there: ah well, I gave it my best shot.
Ghislaine Maxwell reportedly moved from 'cell to cell' to avoid assassins
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When I was in 2nd grade I got to meet R.L. Stine at the mall and I told him to "stay scary." It was clear my words made a profound impact on the man. I was just happy to give back.
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People tweet this whenever powerful people miss the point of media that criticizes them. But I don’t think it works because Garfield is a low man, a scoundrel. This sign was put up by the powerful. We delight in Garfield’s obliviousness because it is revolutionary.
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Hey what's up guys this is Pepsi. Basically nothing new to report, just putting a ton of rat piss into our products.
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I'm sincerely curious about how you can stand to live like this. I don't think I could do it.
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It's a shame Bela Lugosi didn't live to hear Bela Lugosi's Dead but I understand why it had to happen in that order.
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You have my word: I will not stop helping the birds in my neighborhood smoke cigarettes
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adorable child: I would like to survive.Dianne Feinstein: you listen to me you little sack of shit. Absolutely not. Fuck you, in fact. I won an election.
Everyone needs to watch this video of @SenFeinstein disparaging literal children from @SunriseMvmt calling on her to support @AOC and @SenMarkey’s Green New Deal.
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Yes I was 17 in 2005. Yes I am 23 right now. We exist.
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Okay but he’s literally a Republican
You are not alone. He’s not Republican. He’s not Democrat. He’s not Libertarian. He’s not Conservative. He is Trump. Government of Trump, by Trump, for Trump.
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Huge respect to the guy in front of me at the bodega who, when I noticed he was buying a Corona and a thing of half & half motioned for me to take off my headphones so he could say “I mix em.”.
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WHICH M&M ARE YOU?. YOU ARE: Yellow. You fool, you oaf. You are the worst character in fiction. You will die from eating stones. You will not go to heaven. Your funeral will suffer massive casualties because even your body is somehow too stupid to not explode.
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Feel like we're about to crack this Scorsese/MCU thing. Just a few more posts oughta do it.
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So fucking sick of autocomplete thinking I’m searching for “Muppet Christmas Carol” when I search “Muppet Christ”.
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A major structural flaw with The Office is that there’s no way in hell Michael Scott didn’t see and become obsessed with Anchorman.
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Guy next to me saw me unsuccessfully try to use the code MILITARY to get discounted in-flight wifi and shook his head. Okay buddy, like you're perfect.
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Me: here is the worst picture I could find of Donald Duck. some guy who responds to everything: don’t you mean best?. Me: Holy shit this guys is shaking things up; playing with the formula in a frankly exciting way.
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Luigi Coming Out Of His Well To Play Tennis With Mankind
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"lmao they blocked me and we never even interacted!!" they probably saw you being annoying.
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"Chief Wiggum Faces Down Homer Simpson Who Has Finally Turned His Son Bart Simpson Into A Car And Gone On A Killing Spree".Digital, 2018
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Damn all these good cops I keep hearing about trying to encourage change from within must fuckin suck at it.
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They called him up too far. The human body is not supposed to become this big.
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INTERROGATOR: What’d you say, motherfucker?.ME: Astrology is real. OTHER INTERROGATOR: You’re looking at life, punk. You wanna try that again?.ME: Myers Briggs is also real. FIRST INTERROGATOR: *throws a chair*.ME: you have an imbalance of yellow bile, resulting in a choleric tem.
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One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there.
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I hope the only change is they give him human ears and they double the price of tickets. Fuck you.
Sonic the Hedgehog's movie director has heard the feedback and vows to fix the blue blur's design.
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At long last, I've monetized my comic I drew on a napkin that everybody used to rip off:
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In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
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Almost every American politician should be booed constantly, grow up.
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I've blocked hundreds of people on here who've never spoken to me simply for the crime of "seeming annoying in somebody else's replies." Only way to do it imo.
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