love being called a "try hard" like yeah i try too hard. i also feel too much. i dream too big. i love too strong. i breathe too deep. i crashed my toyota camry into a child's lemonade stand in 2017
unless sydney sweeney forces her parents to vote for joe biden at gunpoint i can no longer in good conscience "stan" her tv show about high schoolers snorting heroin out of each others mouths
the stay at home girlfriend tiktok is a potent reminder that many people have forgotten the life of a 50s housewife was so boring that they had to be barred out 15 hours a day
a little kid who's obviously gay at age like 8 is the second-funniest type of kid you can be (the first is that exact same kid but somehow he turns out straight)
guy who makes racist jokes all day: i'm the joker
guy who is about 3 bad days from becoming an actual serial killer: gm chat how are we doing today :-)
every structure of american life is built to turn you into a howling maniac. but you can also get seven onion rings delivered to your house for $30 so who can say if its bad
"cocaine is trash" oh okay. i guess you just hate the ancient Inca then. no that's cool. you're wiser than King Pachacútec i guess. hey btw what was your favorite part about the conquistadors, who you love,
We need more coming-of-age stories except the main character is +25, employed and hates their job, single, with less than one friend, and generally bad at human relationships
nuclear warhead vs coughing baby here. yeah let me just use my perfect rock like a sword. there's so much to do with a perfect rock its definitely not skipping it one time and losing it forever. what are you even talking about
convincing the love of your life to pledge their undying commitment in front of a meme with a shelf life of 4 days must be history's craziest persuasion check
personally i think that giving 14 year olds a little portable box that forces them to memorize 40,000 nonsensical rules about what you can & cant say or do at any given time was, potentially, a bad idea
converting to catholicism is universally recognized as sicko behavior bc catholicism is understood by everybody of sound mind to be a childhood illness, like polio or croup
"haha" and "hehe" are separate designations of laughter with specific functions. "haha" is when you want to show that you lare laughing good-naturedly & "hehe" is for when you are trying to appear as a little stinker / rascal
this is why desantis will never beat him. so few politicians have the courage to go up onstage & say to their supporters' faces "wow so this is the stupid shit you like? you eat this dumb shit up? thats nuts"
Trump notes his crowd is more enthused about bigotry than they are for tax cuts: "It's amazing how strongly people feel about that. I talk about cutting taxes, people go like that, I talk about transgender everybody goes crazy. Five years ago you didn't know what the hell it was"
my hot take is that the book would still suck but people would be way less mad about this if it were not for the word "yeeted," which subtly but unmistakably designates this as booktok sludge rather than normal bad fantasy romance
in retrospect its insane that the twink from star wars just sat down one day & said "i'm going to be so good at voicing the Joker that no one else can do it"
I think Elon Musk is a visionary. Almost singlehandedly, he’s changed the way Americans think about automobiles. I have a Tesla and love it. That said, he’s been a terrible fit for Twitter. He appears to be making it up as he goes along.
'BETTER CALL SAUL' walked away empty handed at the
#Emmys
tonight.
The show has now been nominated 46 times total with zero wins.
See the full winners list:
QUEER FAMILY FEUD
steve harvey: name SOMETHING you do with a sock
father of 3: cum in it steve?
steve: do HWAT in it? oh lord [an X appears on the board]
24 year old with a septum piercing: play stardew valley with them!
steve: show me starbucks valley! [the top answer flips]
this is a crazy thing to write about travis kelce, who in the 1830s would be been classified as some kind of legal oaf or simpleton & forced to lift hay bales on a farm until he died
hanging outside of the amish village with a leather jacket & a cigarette. my goal is to be the first thing rumspringa girls see so they imprint on me like baby ducks
[getting out of the hospital after i got beaten half to death by an infant] just want to remind you how weak that infant was. couldn't even walk by itself
a lot of you seem to think that in a henchman pair you would be the huge lovable oaf when in reality you are the thin weaselly one or maybe even the extremely small angry one
introducing middle aged guys to the phrase "i drink and i know things" is like when the gods gave man fire & he immediately used it to wage war on his fellow man
letterboxd might be the grimmest website we've ever made. all the people not funny enough for twitter riffing on the week's new release with the most plodding, half remembered memes theyve got. genuinely more spiritually toxic than liveleak
this is a great point. when many people think about reddit they often associate it with smooth-talking wealthy casanovas with rich social lives. but in reality it may not perfectly reflect those ideas,
how come they never include like Mad God or the work of ralph bakshi or like The Thief & the Cobbler how come it's always some disposable bullshit for 8 year old that came out last year (already knows the answer☝️☝️☝️)
unless she denounces her parents who are probably in the bottom 20th percentile of racist white people in america i will be forced to boycott the episode where all of the 15 year olds smoke meth
its so cute when a little boy is into like dressing up barbies & pretending to faint & you get to be like "oh youre going to figure out something cool in a couple years"
[trying to sleep with a woman who hasn't learned anything since 9th grade] damn this is so deep...... it's so impressive that she made this as a 30 year old woman......
my son is begging me for examples of healthy masculinity. he is pleading and crying for just one non-toxic male role model to look up to but i keep showing him gore videos & clips from sex and the city where Mr Big is being inconsiderate
its funny that the tumblr cult of personality that formed around john mulaney's suits & silly voice obscure the fact that the suit & voice were funny in contrast to the fact that his material was pretty blue & he was a drug addict
one of History's biggest crimes (slavery, Holocaust, wokeness etc aside) is the association of Spain with brainless autotune pitch correction when he's really one of the most talented & exciting vocalists of the 21st century
guys who defend Hitler's painting love to think of themselves as deeply counterculture maverick truth-tellers when it's basically the same as being like "shaq was actually a pretty good rapper"
JIMMY CARR: they call being deaf, "hard of hearing." that's funny to me, because the only thing that's hard to hear for me, is Justin Bieber's music 😏😏😏
THIS AUDIENCE MEMBER: why this man may just be Hitler himself
you gotta feel bad for king charles rn man. his ex wife died giving road head to an egyptian national & he has to die after a year of being bad at his first ever job
its so cool that they have types of racism over in england that we don't even consider here. like oh yeah you guys still use the fighting irish as a hate symbol huh
It’s a 2am surprise: The Tortured Poets Department is a secret DOUBLE album. ✌️ I’d written so much tortured poetry in the past 2 years and wanted to share it all with you, so here’s the second installment of TTPD: The Anthology. 15 extra songs. And now the story isn’t mine…
ngl i am trying to be fairer to anarchism as a political belief system but it is very difficult when half of the time when you ask its defenders how to deal with diabetes without national supply lines their answer boils down to "every community gets one Bog Witch"
so sick of tv shows about brilliant detectives who are shitty to work with. where are all the shows about detectives who are really nice but awful at their jobs
its crazy that all these youtubers are trying to cheat on their girlfriends but just with other people who make 4 hour videos about Riverdale. like god damn at least don draper had a secretary
It had started with him attending my Pokémon Black streams last December and chatting. We started talking in DMs because he seemed chill. Then on June 4 I uploaded a selfie and he zoomed into my shoes in the background and messaged me about them
For anyone with standing on the left in 2015/6 -- such as me and Taibbi -- by far the easiest career and money path would've been churning out endless TRUMP-IS-HITLER and PUTIN-TOOK-OVER dreck.
We chose not to do that precisely because our dignity and conviction wasn't for sale.
we need to airdrop DVDs of Seinfeld into yemen to counteract the harmful propaganda that has infected this young man's mind (thousands of pictures & videos of IDF forces turning kids who look like him into play-doh)
once jk rowling realizes that she's been ratio'd and corned cobbed i'm sure she'll change her ways. this is really helpful and, crucially, its also very funny
she's been getting dicked down for eight months straight without cumming. unstoppable force meets an uncummable object. after five years King Nasir will finally make her bust & then like john henry he will fall over dead as a stone
Adult film star King Nasir is currently in Ghana to satisfy Ghanaian actress Shugatiti. She had publicly declared that no man allowed her to reach orgasm.
They will compete live on a paid platform. Source: First Mag
he really thought he ate that… F for effort in asking me to travel an hour to have a drink with you at a place 2 blocks from your home. drinks is so he can spend less money but it’s nighttime so he can ask me back to his place after. & as if Manhattan doesn’t have patios?!