so let me get this straight......i have to do tasks...every day.....dozens of them..and then I have to wash my skin off (did not ask for skin).....and then lie unconscious for a while.. and then do tasks again
subway rat made eye contact with me and said “join us. when the train comes we slide under the tracks and feel it rumble over us like a warm thunderstorm. we live forever and we love to live” I said no thank you I am too large he turned away from me I cried
why can’t a cover letter be “I want to work here soo bad. Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please”
I let so many people live in my head rent free because housing is a human right and as long as i have space i will do my part to open my doors for friends and enemies alike, beckoning in a more equitable future rooted in community. And also because I have a mood disorder
are we ready to talk about how the instant cancelling of ellen degeneres was rooted in lesbophobia or....? Just kidding but what if this was something I tweeted
OK SORRY PLEASE DONT EXPLAIN IT TO ME BUT I DONT UNDERSTAND AT ALL HOW CRYPTOCURRENCY HAS A MASSIVE CARBON FOOTPRINT ISNT THE INTENRET JUST AIR AND MAGIC ARENT NUMBERS JUST SHAPES
“open to female and non binary applicants” cool Im gonna need your definition of female real quick and also your definition of non binary and also you owe me one thousand dollars
not to victim blame but if my cat doesnt want me to nuzzle her soft little head with my nose then maybe she should stop being a perfect angel from heaven
some people are like “this is so beautiful” “this is poetry” it’s not supposed to be beautiful it’s a tweet about how I want to be a subway rat. I wrote it on 3 hours of sleep after one of the worst weeks of my life expecting 3 likes don’t take anything I say seriously ever again
@just_broth
the text ones are soooo funny lol my friend and I joke that they should just put all 100 people in a group chat to work it out among ourselves
I’ve never “come out” in my life i’ve just kind of realized things and then acted on them and let my friends and family be like oh my god what is going on please answer your phone
sorry Im late to the meeting I was watching a youtube video called “bill hader being a mood for 5 minutes” it was made by a 14 year old with more patience than me who will someday upload my consciousness into the cloud against my will because amazon bought my nursing home
people are doing extraordinarily bad faith readings at me so for clarity: obviously use hotlines if you must, be nice to hotline workers, etc.... i’m simply making little jokes about my own experiences on this app....i’m just some guy.....
sometimes i’ll be walking through a park and then, no warning at all, there will be a bridge I can walk atop or a tunnel I can walk inside. it just happens. Life is full of little treats like that
it’s weird when movies are bad. like wouldnt they want it to be good? I get when tv episodes are bad. but that’s a whole movie. like wouldn’t someone catch that? it’s a whole movie god damn it. double check.
my cat broke one of my favorite ceramics but I dont mind because the ceramic was shaped like a cat and I understand now that there shall be no false idols before her
blankets are so underrated....you feel cold so you put on a blanket and immediately you dont feel warmer necessarily but you feel inexplicably happier. that’s so cool
my friends will spend all day being smart and talented and good and beautiful and then be like "thank you for always supporting me" as if it's an active effort and not a natural nourishing byproduct of existing near them
pls dont reply to this implying opera singers make too much money (???! Lol??) or that it’s an easy job lmao I like to tweet obvious observations in dumb ways. Accountants go to work and they’re like tap tap click click. ur not better we’re all being exploited artists r cool shh
omg. my girlfriend had to leave early for work this morning. she made me a cup of coffee and left the sweetest note for when I woke up. it really is the little things!!
you dont have to know a single thing about your gender, your sexuality, your personality, your ambitions, etc to have a full life . you mostly just have to know whether you're in the mood for a sandwich and what kind of sandwich you should make
the polygraph operator who tested Lisa Vanderpump to find out if she sold a story about her friend’s dog on season 9 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is the same one who tested Nathan Fielder to find out if he watches porn on season 4 of Nathan For You
hey, sorry I haven’t liked your tweets in a while. I had to mute your account because i overthought something I said to you and decided you were mad at me and every time I saw your name is made me feel sick. but I hope you’re well and i love your recent posts about bisexuality.
hey i know we aren’t close but i saw your bereal and there seems to be a sadness in your eyes that wasnt there yesterday. Are you thinking about climate change, or did something tragic maybe happen in your family?
I will like each of my crush’s selfies immediately as soon as I see them of course I will why wouldnt I? those are my favorite photos. That’s literally what the button is for
transmasc is a word I use for myself to mean Im not a girl and the hormones Im on are the “masculinizing” kind but the idea that I, as a guy, am “masc” is soooo funny. I’m not masc! Im a guy though
Succession as a tv show has nothing to do with sex but every day the marketing team manages to assemble the most pornographic promotional material Ive ever seen in my life. I need season 3 to premiere Im up to four cold showers a day I cant live like this anymore