the ben keeps the flores
@limitlessjest
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Television writer (Hunting Wives STARZ), Native American Media Alliance Fellow, CRIMEWATCHERS podcast, New Yorker Humor. Turtle Mtn. Band of Chippewa, Tsimshian
Los Angeles, CA
Joined April 2009
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Pinned Tweet
10 unscripted show pitches in 60 seconds
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This is sick. She's already dead
Snipers are setting up on roofs around Holyroodhouse palace in Edinburgh where Queen Elizabeth’s casket will be brought on Monday
#QueenElizabeth
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Kid at the park just told me it's her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
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hey man sorry i didn't text you back for four months. i only look at my phone 23 hours a day
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Ok. Praying he gets to see her again soon
President Trump and Queen Elizabeth II were very close. Pray for both families during this time of grieving.
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BREAKING: Jason Derulo has fallen down the steps of Air Force One, knocking over President Joe Biden!
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my ex gf and i participated in this study and it ruined our relationship. not kidding. they had us do a bunch of stuff and the scan showed the same part of my brain lighting up when i said "i love you" as when they had me tell a deliberate lie so she broke up with me. it sucks.
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it's 1998. you have a nintendo 64 with goldeneye. you just ordered pizza with extra cheese. your friends are coming over and you have four rumble paks. you don't know it right now but this is as good as life will ever get
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well look who decided to come out of their room!
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Running 10 minutes late to meet someone when I was just sitting around my house for the previous 12 hours
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Looks like if Kanye designed an outfit for a member of Slipknot
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It's so insane that alligators and crocodiles aren't at all genetically related. Is there any other case of similar evolution like that
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This is actually how I love to read a recipe. I don't mind this
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MILF Manor? No thanks. We need a show called Dad Island. No sex stuff or anything. Just ten dads on an island getting to know each other. It doesn't even have to be on an island
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Daughter just saw Toy Story for the first time. Loved it. But she said she wants to see the origin story of the human Buzz Lightyear that the toy is based on
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not a fresh insight but you can see an unintentional example in this video of how being a celebrity cooks your brain. having a conversation and the whole time there's guys yelling at you to come over and look at them. no wonder famous people go crazy if they don't start that way
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Oh I know this one. It's a vase
Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro at the 2023 Tribeca Film Festival.
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You take the Blue Pill, the story ends. You take the Fred Pill, you get the essential vitamins and minerals you need to support your healthy growing body
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supporting actor in a drama series category is straight up insane
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Hi, I'm one of the guys responsible for the Iraq War. Here's why protesting is wrong
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If I get a $600 stimulus check I will turn it into $4800 with a three-way parlay on Celtics to win, Celtics opening tip, and Kevin Garnett points and rebounds in Game 7 of the 2012 NBA Eastern Conference Semifinals
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every Travis Kelce tweet is like dam! dinner tastes awsome when your hurngy! but it makes u so full
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"this pill lets you use 100% of your brain." keep it. let me know when you've got a pill that lets me use zero
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I've seen compilations of crashes at this exit before and thought it must be the worst designed road in America. Just saw the dashcam video on the right of someone taking it and it's...completely normal. You're actually always supposed to slow down when you exit a freeway. Lmao
Seattle are yall okay because what is this exit
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Imagine it's your last day on Planet Earth and the Comfort Horse doesn't pick you
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Ok. I've been told you're a genius but I've only ever seen you behave like a fucking moron
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Panera Bread’s highly caffeinated “Charged Lemonade” is now blamed for a second death, according to a new lawsuit.
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You're shopping at your local food market, and you notice this man from behind.
How do you open?
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what TikTok has done to "memes" is atrocious. death of a culture. this is just a picture of a guy sitting
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At my Joker screening they were checking for guns on the way into the theater? And if you didn't have one, they provided you with one??? I was like ok that's kind of messed up
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Wait no no no I misunderstood the tip. I WENT to a GameStop and bought up all of their STOCK. Now I have like 15 copies of Call of Duty Infinite Warfare and 30 copies of Assassin's Creed Unity. And I am in massive credit card debt. Are you ducking KIDDING me
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sitting on the couch after a long day of sitting in my chair
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Half the time when I like a tweet I have no clue why. Pure impulse. I couldn't defend it in a court of law. Let alone to God
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greeting my local barista after i have both shots
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There's one guy who would be hands down the funniest to do this
Subway is offering free sandwiches for life to someone who is willing to legally change their first name to ‘Subway.’
The contest will choose a random winner, who will then be given $750 to go through with the name change and cover legal fees.
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I'm so excited to finally share my new piece!
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"They lure these kids in with soup and salad and then they give them a beverage that explodes their hearts. They call it Charged Lemonade"
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wearing a tuxedo to record a podcast is like something an 8th grader would do
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"Apes together strong" is one of the most powerful lines in all of cinema
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Every glimpse of Mark Zuckerberg further solidifies Jesse Eisenberg's sniveling, petty performance in the Social Network as the most generous biopic portrayal of all time
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BREAKING: The Ever Given has blocked the River Styx making passage into Hades impossible! You may now act in defiance of the gods without fear of eternal repercussion!
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@nypost
If I were writing about a video of somebody engaging in consenting sexual activity with another adult that was leaked against their will I wouldn't say they were "caught." I'd say they were the victim of a sex crime. But I guess I'm different than the New York Post
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They need to stop letting men be Instacart shoppers like yesterday
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In all my years it never once before occurred to me that Al Pacino's first name is Alfredo
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Hey honey the CDC said we can sleep in the same bed again. Babe
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HBO Max has begun removing my memories of the tumultuous relationship I shared with a free-spirited woman I met at a beach party in Montauk
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Texted my college buddy who works at the CDC to try to get some clarity on the evolving situation. Not much help
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Chekhov's Breakfast is the opposite of Chekhov's Gun. If a breakfast is prepared in a movie it CANNOT be eaten and MUST be ignored by a character who drinks two gulps of coffee as they head out the door
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I wished her a happy birthday but I crossed my fingers while I did it
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well the no intermission problem is real. just pissed myself watching killers of the flower moon. can't believe I have to just sit here in it for another three hours and fifteen minutes
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Just saw a family dressed all as Pikachus and overheard another guy criticizing them for not each dressing as a different Pokémon
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Just got kicked out of Golden Corral for saying boomer with a hard r
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Zoom Fatigue isn't real. Zoomfa Teeg, however, is. He's a podracer
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As an adult, don't host a potluck. Hire professionals to cook.
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@DukeAlumni
Wow. If we change the cooking practices of 1.1 billion people in Africa (none of whom are quoted or cited in this article) we can allow 21 million people in the US to keep driving SUVs to the golf course. This is a huge win for the climate.
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This is the ideal pizza. You may not like it, but this is what peak Italian-American cuisine looks like.
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Literally every day with this. Parenting is hard!
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I will occasionally block somebody just because their interpretation of a piece of art is so fundamentally incorrect that I want to make sure I never accidentally pay attention to anything they have to say in the future
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Making a biopic of Papa John that takes place during his infamous 40-pizzas-in-30-days rock bottom run
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Making a reservation at Olive Garden when the vaccine drops
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u know I'd be suckin n fuckin in this place! missing the kings whole damn speech
In Switzerland, there are movie theaters where you can book a double bed instead of a seat...
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House Atreides should have loaned out money to the other houses to buy spice, sliced their debts into risk-defined tranches, bundled those into securities, created a derivative market to shift the credit exposure, and sold insurance on the defaults
Dune 2 is great and all, but why do we never hear anything about a spice production futures market? Or why didn't the Atreides family sell a bond based on their future cashflows from production of spice to buy a bigger military and therefore do a better job of protecting Arakis?
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Character I just created performing his signature move. Calling him Steamboat Willie
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Can we take a moment to celebrate platonic love? Everyone needs that work friend they can eat lunch with and complain to. Here's my wife with her assistant Brian at their last holiday party (I couldn't make it, got sick from a sandwich she made me beforehand). Great guy
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Finally some good news. Took them long enough!
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dorian gray thing seems like a pretty good deal. you're telling me i look great but the catch is there's a picture of me that looks like shit? pictures of me already look like shit.
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My friend told me I should purchase an "air fryer." I said "I don't care how you cook it. I am not interested in eating air."
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We need a movie like Blade about a half-Minion who hunts Minions
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my tweet continues to be the last one ever posted by twitter to instagram
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Wow. Just realized that if I Can Haz Cheezburger came out today it would probably be "I Can Haz Impossible Burger?" Sad what's happened to this country/the world. Mostly due to woke of course
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The most powerful weapon on this earth is the human soul on fire! The passion of a man is the backbone to success!
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3.5 stars: pretty good movie. maybe even very good movie
3 stars: okay movie. maybe terrible
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Wait this one is even crazier (obviously praying they both independently go extinct)
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Let's do a bit where two rich people show each other their money, which they have somehow made even uglier than normal money
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Craziest one I have learned about since posting this is turkeys and guinea fowl. Maybe appear even more similar than gators and crocs but also not at all related. Mom also saw this and texted me and said me and my dad. I asked if she was joking she said no
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Here at dinner, we've ruled by entree power and side dish power. When the pie is served, we'll need to cultivate dessert power
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When it comes to tubthumping, it's gotta be Chumbawamba
I love how the word 'linger' is inextricably tied to The Cranberries in most people's consciousness. How many other artists have such a relationship with a single word?
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