Kelly Bachman
@bellykachman
Followers
67,110
Following
1,292
Media
632
Statuses
3,878
comedian as seen in @nytimes @FXnetworks etc., comedy album w/ @dylanadler6 available via @comedydynamics
New York, NY
Joined October 2018
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Pinned Tweet
well well well if it isn’t the personality that my birth control pills have been suppressing for 13 years
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Every “I will adopt your baby” girlie I have ever met has the vibes of the literal last person I would ever trust with a child
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how do I explain to my landlord that
@JoeBiden
has my rent money and this is really between them two
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infect grandma don’t visit grandma
🤝
my mom saying “you know this is really going to kill your grandmother”
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Keep getting new followers today is it because my tweets are so fire? lol fuck Weinstein and thanks
@ambercrollo
ILY
#mysecondtweet
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this is what happens when artists don't like u
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what does a male queen even wear to coronation isn’t that gonna be awkward
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Hey y’all, I wrote an Op-ed for
@nytimes
about what I’ve been thinking on this last week. For the portrait I decided on an outfit that I wore on a night I was raped. I’m not sure why I still have that, but it felt very punk rock! Thank you all for your support ❤️ Means the world
When Harvey Weinstein showed up at a bar, comedian Kelly Bachman (
@bellykachman
) couldn't ignore the elephant in the room. Here, she writes about why she spoke up, and why it matters.
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so just so we're clear, Bill Cosby is out of jail, Louis C.K. is touring, Chris D'elia is still doing shows in LA and cancel culture has absolutely gone...too far
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Yes, you will lose friends if you speak out about the genocide. LOSE THEM.
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ending my trauma induced celibacy for an emotionally available lover who is seeking a meaningful relationship and who is also patient enough to respect my boundaries while building emotional intimacy with me until I’m confident that I’ve worked through my trust issues girl summer
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seeing a lot of erasure of lonely sluts with dogs this week??? we exist and also have giant dildos
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I used to share an office space with a Hedge Fund. Every day one of the men there noticed me, they asked if I was a new secretary. Thinking of them this week🥰
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Can we get someone kind of mean to moderate the next one
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how do I ask my Hinge date if we already met on Tinder five years ago in a cute way
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My uncle just posted the Facebook status “Nude video of Melania Trump” and I’m pretty sure it was because he thought he was on Google anyway how’s your day going
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As a rule, I don’t trust “men” who do “girl voice” in their acts
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ok be honest does everyone in new york actually have covid right now or are we collectively ferris buellering christmas with our families
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Being told that I can’t vote, and that it’s too late for a candidate accused of rape to drop out and be replaced. Reminds me of this one time I went to a party and my progressive Brooklyn friends told me that they couldn’t just uninvite my rapist. You literally could. You didn’t.
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and also with you
🕯 🕯
🕯 🕯
may none
🕯️ of your abusers 🕯
go viral
for being funny
🕯 🕯
🕯 🕯
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how do you measure a year in a life
everyone: in 525,600–
congress: we heard 600
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wait Babysitters Club is casually teaching a generation of kids about feminism, protest, periods, the harsh truth of Japanese internment in America, how to start a revolution, fight ableism, embrace LGBTQ identities, run a business and build healthy relationships along the way?😭
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THANK YOU to the men who are explaining to me that sexual harassment is different than rape! I want to nominate each and every one of you for canonization
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you’re in his DMs, and my happiness depends on you, whatever you decide to do, Jolene
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Alright girlies it’s time to relive our trauma on social media to explain why we deserve bodily autonomy again!
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ok is there a way to make the vaccine into pink milk bc I still crave amoxicillin like once a week
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amazon employees britney spears
🤝
attempting to reassure me with social media posts that really only make me more concerned for their safety
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It’s just interesting that Brett Kavanaugh now claims that COVID-19 infected him, when Corona literally wrote down in her calendar that she was out partying last week??? Please tell me how that adds up?
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@nikostratis
This one commercial said forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what they were
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I just want to take a moment to thank all of the search engines manifesting on my behalf. We’ll get there babe
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I can’t make fun of anyone’s sexts when I know I once DM’d a Marxist to say he could seize the means of my ass
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Whenever someone breaks up with me my dad without fail says “Well, if he wants to get you back he’d better get his fucking shit together because 👏🏻 you 👏🏻are 👏🏻 the 👏🏻 real 👏🏻 deal👏🏻” and I really don’t know how to break it to him that truly no one has ever tried to get me back😂
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On the 13th hour of the 4th day of the 6th month of the year, my family will always remember the cessation of hostilities on the group chat front. I choose to celebrate by letting my mom send me religious memes again
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i do feel like he asked his son to make this on Minecraft :(
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Soo what I'm hearing from the men is that all women must come forward to make progress, but also not talk so much that it's annoying to you, and we must have evidence, and also let the courts handle it, and also not hurt your feelings bc you're not going to say anything FOR us?
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my dad blocked me because I tweeted about wet vaginas please join my support group
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I’ve gotta say I would enjoy The Bachelor a lot more if everyone in cast were bisexual
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just hyped up a drunk girl in a bar bathroom for the first time in so long..I’m rooting for your prosperity girl🥺
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On Valentine’s Day 2002, my parents told my sisters and I that they were getting divorced while standing in our fully flooded kitchen (after a pipe burst), and I’ve been aspiring to that level of being the main character ever since❤️and yes, my mom married the floor repair man❤️
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Rapists run this country. We elect rapists, and the rapists appoint rapists. Rapists do what rapists do, and along the way everyone tells us we're imagining it. It doesn't even matter that we're right, because it's always too late when anyone agrees. It's all too fucking familiar
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at least we sort of have the answer to the question 'what if we tried the same thing, but with a boy' I guess
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so we all invested $150 and three months of gardening into a half bowl of pesto right
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Just want to say a quick thank you to a stranger from this app who paid for my therapy for an entire year, after I had been unsuccessfully seeking affordable PTSD treatment. Having access to mental health care absolutely changed my life, and probably saved me We all deserve that.
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I lost another 1,000 follows in the last week which is 7K in the 3.5 months I’ve been tweeting 😅 I get so excited about hitting the round numbers now I actually just had the thought “what should I do when I hit 10K” anyway should I just tweet “Fuck Weinstein” again or wut lmaooo
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wowwww I have a PTSD diagnosis and a first appointment with a therapist and I could cry I'm so grateful that I finally had the literal weeks of free time and medicaid and bandwidth to keep calling and calling and not give up on finding help but why why why why was it this hard??
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Can’t wait to find out which known rapists went to rape island and see just how much nothing changes in our society
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Rape but make it funny at
@nycomedyfest
this Friday 😝Yes haters this IS my entire brand now and I LOVE IT!! We’ve got a lineup of killers to make you laugh at this sad shit:
@wendistarling
@becca_oneal
@_irenemerrow
@DylanAdler6
@ambercrollo
@ArtiParty
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Only 53 years ago today interracial marriage stopped being illegal. That’s one, my mom, ago. A friendly reminder that sometimes breaking the law is hot and sexy and cool and good anyway see ya at today’s
#lovingday
protests ❤️
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Just fell down an entire flight stairs at the Subway station and no one flinched. New York is back!
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I think I’m finally ready to admit publicly that I’m not in a friend group chat
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Scorpio season is here! 🦂Which means that one year ago I took this selfie in my suit before a job interview, and then went to do a set at a comedy show, that to my surprise...a famous rapist was invited to. Truly nothing has been the same since...except I’m still unemployed! LOL
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sure my relationship is over, comedy is cancelled, I’m isolated with roommates I met on the internet and what’s happening is terrifying...BUT my neighbor left this box of hot cheetos in the hallway 💁🏻♀️so I now also have explosive diarrhea
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White people patting ourselves on the back for not being as racist as Amy Cooper or bad cops, let’s think about how WE can do better. There’s always someone ‘worse’ we can point to, but it‘s constructive to confront our own feelings, too. i.e if you’re not FURIOUS right now, why?
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I guess 80Kish of you follow me because of the 'Weinstein thing' and the
#MeToo
movement. So I know you're here for women. Good! Being here for women means being here for black women and their sons. Gonna drop some links on some good places to donate below if you can:
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I was working as an assistant for a wealthy producer who was seeing Hamilton a lot, and one day he gave me his ticket! He said “Just file the receipt as your Christmas bonus.” I was broke and wept the whole show whispering to myself “I really just need $1,000.”❤️
#myhamiltonstory
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just got my second moderna vaccine and I am feeling very hot and also sexy did anyone else experience these symptoms???
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I just want to check in and make sure some of y'all know the Boston Tea Party wasn't really like a "party" per se like The American Revolution wasn't actually like a cool diverse group of people singing rap songs by Lin-Manuel Miranda. White guys burned ships and RIOTED? Ya know?
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If you send five e-mails that say "Sounds good!" before 1pm you get the rest of the day off
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it's beginning to look a lot like time to get high by myself and watch Home Alone
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btw @ the news, the protests haven’t stopped and Breonna Taylor’s murderers haven’t been arrested
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ok what if I bought an AR-15 but said it was for an abortion could we make it hard to access then
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My great-aunt Barbara passed away from Covid in Georgia last night. She was loved by a lot of people who couldn’t see her at the end. I just want to remind you that the elderly people behind much of the death count are our loved ones. They are loved and worthy of our protection.
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Arrest the cops who killed Breonna Taylor.
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I notice I lose a lot of followers every time I post myself being hot y’all I swear I will be traumatized and ‘brave’ again next week just wait
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If you just came back to NY from your “hometown” to sit outside a restaurant under a trash bag or join the protest, phase 1 your ass home for two weeks we have already been in hiding for months and don’t need the germs you picked up at a North Carolina Hobby Lobby thank you
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Does this look like an appropriate father/son interaction to you?
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you need a quirky 40 year old lady with a sitcom to play a quirky 40 year old lady with a sitcom, is all I'm sayin
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the cdc says capitalism doesn’t work well when we all stay home for ten days so the cdc says if you ever wanna organize to demand legislation for universal healthcare or raising minimum wage or student loan forgiveness the cdc says a nationwide labor strike might be the way to go
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My ex eats ass now
Somehow that hurts way more than
All of his success
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Friendly reminder that you can believe rape survivors when they say they are traumatized by rape, AND believe black men when they say they are traumatized by white women lying about rape, at the same exact time. It’s not always easy for both to be true, but both are always true
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“What’s next, Rape Girl?!?” I still don’t know how to tweet but I wrote this for
@glamourmag
😘
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It seems I’ve lost approximately six-thousand followers since I started tweeting two months ago🌞How should I celebrate today???? Debating between a dumb video or a divisive tweet about rape
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I jut finished a 180 page first draft of my first novel manuscript. It’s ‘young adult’ fiction and I hope that I can sell it. I’m proud of myself. That’s all !
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@sunandavashisht
I know almost nothing about fashion, but I’m pretty sure that you don’t do a fashion photo shoot in your own clothes
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I was working at a bar last night when I came on TV, and everyone made me tell the joke that I was telling on screen for my big FX premiere😂🤪now Hysterical is on Hulu, and I’m very excited to be in company with the other women who are in this documentary (as you can see here)!
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happy I quietly tell people that I’m not “straight” but feel too guilty to share publicly because I always find myself dating cis men and I don’t want to be accused of co-opting an identity but I think all hot adults are hot and realize I should share if I want their flirts, day
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if Facebook is down how many hours realistically do you think I have to radicalize my mom
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Watching petty comics tweet their jealousy that a woman found success in quarantine y’all she cannot hear you over the applause cannot see you over the $$$ much like you did not hear or see her while she worked for YEARS, wrote and performed in YOUR community. You are SADSADSAD😂
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this looks terrible are they hiring writers
A 'Powerpuff Girls' live-action pilot has been ordered by The CW. The series will see the girls as "disillusioned twentysomethings who resent having lost their childhood to crime fighting."
(via
@Variety
)
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It feels almost like someeeee of y’all only want me calling out rape when that rape is convenient for you
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Heard it’s bad not to promote a prez 2020 vote, so PLEASE join me in getting blackout drunk and voting for Joe Biden this November. Not because he is not a rapist or racist, and not because he will do a good job. The DNC failed us but Trump is fascism wow what an ad this was!
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