ash mae barney 😈
@ashley_barnhill
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Dark comic. Brows. Juris Doctor.💀new skull who dis? #FreeRoss
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Joined January 2010
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So you kill them with kindness but then what do you do with the bodies WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE BODIES SO MANY BODIES OH GOD
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men against abortion are just jealous they’ll never know how good it feels to kill a baby
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You didn’t find your soulmate. You found someone geographically accessible who also puts chips on their sandwiches
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I hate when people think I’m shy and don’t realize I hate them.
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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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No one mentions how the early bird is also exhausted and irritable and unraveling day by day slowly losing the will to live.
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Sorry I quit listening after you said your baby has an instagram
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Never settle for someone. Keep your standards high and unrealistic. Eventually someone might settle for you.
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You didn’t find your soulmate. You found someone geographically accessible who also puts chips on their sandwiches.
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My dad nicknamed me Bambi because I "have brown eyes like a deer" but I know really he was just referencing his hoping my mom would get shot
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Basically the premise of Dead Set. We’re truly all living in
@charltonbrooker
’s world. Stay in the house, housemates!
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Ask people do you hear that beeping noise so they will stop talking
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me: time to sleep, brain
brain: i said hip hop the hippie to the hippie to the hip hip a hop you don’t sto
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Say what you will about pedophiles but safest slowest drivers in neighborhoods
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I imagine love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
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I'm "single and ready to mingle" because it sounds less desperate than "alone and ready to bone".
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Some people are so quick to judge. I always notice this right away.
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When you find a body beneath your floorboards is it face up or face down that's good luck?
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Whenever I meet a guy I tell him "I’m not crazy." ..then I lean in, put a finger gun to his neck & whisper in his ear "I'm FUCKING crazy."
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I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.
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Being a girl is like entering into a competitive non-eating contest for life.
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Ask people do you hear that beeping noise so they will stop talking
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Not having a boyfriend is the leading cause of giving hard-to-open jars to charity food drives located in my trashcan.
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Sharing this GoFundMe my family started is overwhelming, more so than finally sharing what happened. Anything will help & I’m grateful for all support. I’m eager to get my new skull next year & optimistic it’ll be from 2021 not 2020!💀🙏❤️ Team Ash Skull!
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The line between sleeping in my clothes and wearing the clothes I sleep in has blurred.
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I've forgotten how to look interested when people talk to me in person. Does sticking my fist in my mouth convey interest? In their mouth?
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hey! what’s up? what IS up. *grabs by shoulders & violently shakes* WHAT IS BEYOND THE CLOUDS A SKY GHOST VACUOUS ABYSS WHAT IS UP THERE
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Your wife accidentally calls you the dog’s name. You laugh then catch a glance of the family portrait and the dog has replaced you.
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Going to open a late night food truck called "Date Crepe."
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so are fathers for drunk driving or just kind of whatevs?
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Some people are so quick to judge. I always notice this right away.
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My true love is probably out there looking for a nice, positive girl, unaware he'll settle for one who drinks too much and has $45K in debt.
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You don’t have to be alone on a deserted island to draw a bloody handprint face on a volleyball and make a new friend
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that was the longest live-action mucinex commercial ever
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Maybe cornering a guy and saying “You should throw your meat scraps in my baby dumpster” isn’t the best way to get laid?
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I am woman, hear me bring up a snide comment you made three months ago.
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The only vegetable Khloe Kardashian has had in her mouth is now Lamar Odom.
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The line between sleeping in my clothes and wearing the clothes I sleep in has blurred.
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This is your captain speaking. You can't emotionally destroy a person and then hope they will love you again someday. The time is 11:25am.
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It seems like some couples on facebook don’t know about texting.
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no ones mad at you. no one cares about you that much.
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Remember, things are going to get worse before they get a lot more worse.
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I wasn’t gonna do that last abortion joke but alabama told me I had to keep it
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Last week I said goodbye and held my father’s hand as he took his final breath. His long fight is over. His pain is now my mom’s, my sisters’ and mine to one day be replaced with happiness for the memories we have.
Happy Birthday. Love you Daddy.
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Hey fucker, no need to add “Just saying.” I get that. That’s how communicating works.
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The people posting those facebook movies are prob the same people who bought a class ring
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Carrying around a clipboard so people will avoid me.
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Anyone want to be friends with benefits? Like we'll give each other rides to the airport and help each other move but still be just friends.
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There’s a special place in hell for people who tell others they look tired.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman whom you won’t let see a picture of her you just took.
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I’m optimistic that one day I’ll find true love and then realize my life is one of those twist endings where I’ve been dead the entire time.
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If you like someone who’s in a relationship keep in mind that all relationships have obstacles. You can be that obstacle.
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nothing more pro-life than tweeting death threats to teach the value of life lmao
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Every day is a struggle to not sit down in the shower.
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I don't always yell at a couple publicly displaying affection, but when I do I prefer to yell “Piss on her tits!”
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Theater shootings aren't new. They've been happening since 1865.
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In 8th grade I took my Dad to see Ludacris on 4/20 on a college campus & he just kept saying “this is ludacris” over & over the whole time.
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A lot of relationships can be saved by taking a deep breathe and deleting that passive aggressive text
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Hey fucker, no need to add “Just saying.” I get that. That’s how communicating works.
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I would never want to be in a relationship with anyone who would have someone like me for a girlfriend.
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Being a girl is like entering into a competitive non-eating contest for life.
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Sometimes I fake not having an orgasm. Like I'll have one but pretend I didn't just to check his ego. I want him to know he ain't shit
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I want a boyfriend but more so someone to carry my stuff when I don’t have pockets and lift things. Or a burrito. More so I want a burrito.
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Hey people with 13.1 stickers on your car, the rest of us didn’t run a full marathon either we’re just not bragging about it.
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If you embrace a hug for too long, I will go all limp. Your problem now.
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I never feel less like James Bond than when I drop my phone on my face while lying in bed.
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Not sure this wine is breathing. Going to give it mouth to mouth.
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If you love something set it free. Then chase it down, drag it back inside and handcuff it to the radiator so it doesn’t escape again.
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Oh you’re always happy? Well you’re probably not smart enough to get depressed.
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I sent my kickstarter to an ex. And he sent me back his baby registry. That's text book definition of well played.
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"No officer you're intoxicating. ... You show me your license."
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so u just gonna spit in my mouth and not text me back
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How many times do we think CK masturbated while drafting that apology statement
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If you’re invited to a fondue party respond with “more like fondon’t party!” then chest bump the air and moonwalk away.
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Shitty day? Tomorrow will be better. Unless it's not. And it's worse. And every day after that. But keep your chin up. Or kill yourself.
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When I see a friend who's gained weight recently I rub their mid-section & say “and Leon’s getting larger.” Keeping friends is not my forte.
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There should be a relationship status that says “Still waiting for someone to break up with his dumb baby-voiced girlfriend for me, TODD.”
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COUPLES HOGGIN THE SIDEWALK HOLDIN HANDS I WILL GODDAMN REDROVER THAT SHIT
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#UndateableBecause
the line between sleeping in my clothes and wearing the clothes I sleep in has blurred
@midnight
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Okay, I get you don’t want a girlfriend, but what about just an emotional burden?
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thru sickness and health but will you please make your own profile you are fucking my netflix algorithms with your horrible shit you watch
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Don’t forget to make someone else’s problems about you today!
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I hate you so much I hope one of your socks continuously falls down inside your shoe
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Carrying around a clipboard so people will avoid me.
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Is that a banana duct taped to my body pillow or am I just super lonely?
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In 7th grade I was invited to the popular girls’ halloween party, who were all sexy genies/gypsies & I showed up in a full on Scream costume
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I've been holding out for love. Wait, sorry, I meant putting out for attention.
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If you love something, set it free. Then chase it down, because hey, where does the pizza delivery guy think he’s going?
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Eternal damnation for husband and wife real estate teams.
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You have about a 3 min window to respond to my texts before I begin questioning everything I’ve ever possibly said or done wrong around you
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You can't just assume he's going to break up with his girlfriend. You have to ask and ask often.
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