The mackerel is a damn wide fish.

I’m not surprised by this. I love the United States but I have precisely zero desire to go there this year. Or next year. Or the year after that.

If you don’t want to hit each other, maybe try a little tickle?

https://t.co/nKnKpDmJfS

Pfft

Scared the dog.

Sweet baby Jesus and all of the tiny orphans.

I don’t use mine as a current account but, if you do, customers earning less than £40k pa need not apply.

Deeply weird anniversary ‘competition’ from #cahoot @santanderuk Eligibility - accounts with a minimum balance of £2,500

My wife always hopes there will be some sort of toy associated with the John Lewis Christmas ad. An hour-and-a-half I've been searching their website for a stuffed Charlotte Wells writing a stern letter to Saatchi and Saatchi.

I was going to say ‘good’, but then I remembered they retired it at least once before.

Thread

We’re looking for a home for Brodie, he’s not had any enquiries despite some previous appeals. Can you please share to help him on his way? All his details are here https://t.co/z58vVVDf9G

Skye Stout is actually a baller, she’s scored again😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

I hope the big weirdo is going to pick the sky back up again.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t know he even had a phone.

@Scott_Wortley You're laughing, but she was married to the British PM.

The song we sing about our dog’s bumhole made that Bond bit quite unwatchable. #Oscars

An agent has a message about your assassination. Reply STOP to stop receiving texts from MI6. Hi, I'll be arriving soon. Please secure pets if you have them and turn on a light if it's dark. Thanks!

Buy your copy today! @unbounders @hellogarglers #bookpromo #romance #comedy #apassionforpassion

A survey has found that the RAC will believe any old pish as long as you are holding car keys when you say it.