Whisman
@WhismanSucks
Followers
37,896
Following
1,782
Media
955
Statuses
27,991
Tequila for fun, wine for sad baths.
Phyre City
Joined March 2009
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
WONWOO
• 276841 Tweets
Pedro Sánchez
• 248926 Tweets
Wizkid
• 176568 Tweets
#SEVENTEEN_IS_MAESTRO
• 163560 Tweets
#마에스트로_세븐틴의_지휘에_맞춰
• 159886 Tweets
DDAY SB19 JAPAN CONCERT
• 154067 Tweets
Davido
• 101500 Tweets
SE QUEDA
• 92200 Tweets
#TMCxMCNuNew
• 84401 Tweets
MINGHAO
• 55393 Tweets
大慶直胤
• 52950 Tweets
新刀剣男士
• 47888 Tweets
為替介入
• 37698 Tweets
Twitter調子
• 32435 Tweets
Don Jazzy
• 30261 Tweets
Moncloa
• 28576 Tweets
#CDTVライブライブ
• 28200 Tweets
スレイヤー
• 23608 Tweets
Gracias Presidente
• 18537 Tweets
#RIZIN46
• 17692 Tweets
Twitter不具合
• 15686 Tweets
청춘찬가
• 14703 Tweets
Patrick Midterm Exam
• 13200 Tweets
江戸三作
• 10677 Tweets
X不具合
• 10087 Tweets
I interrupted class & delivered a cake pop and Starbucks pink drink to my daughter at school for making honor roll because she has 2 mean girls who sit near her and I wanted to show them what it’s like to have a great dad.
114
60
2K
Hey, if you battle depression and/or anxiety and you’re reading this, congratulations on winning, today. Keep that shit up.
78
251
2K
I have paid for an abortion. If I could go back in time, I’d do it again. If it was my Groundhog Day, I’d do it every god damn day. It was the best decision a very smart woman ever made for us.
64
61
2K
If you don’t understand rioting and looting, congratulations, you’re beginning to recognize your privilege. White, socioeconomic, or otherwise. You’ve literally never been driven to your breaking point.
88
325
1K
Saw my neighbor washing his car at 2am so he’s definitely a murderer.
62
45
1K
Overheard a boy on a bicycles with his friend in the Lowe’s parking lot say “hey let’s help that old man with his cart” and I felt reassured with humanity and then they stopped and ASKED ME IF I NEEDED HELP! I am 41 and doing FINE!! You fucking jerks!!!
61
44
1K
Hey guys! The world is crazy, but I just had a thought, and hear me out, what if, just what if, we weren’t cunts to each other?
79
172
1K
How fucking dare you be so right, sir?
39
31
1K
Right now, Will Smith is probably watching Jada have the best sex of her life.
41
82
1K
I brought my daughter to urgent care... a girl came in on crutches and Presley said “great. This bitch is on crutches. I’m never getting seen, tonight”, just in case you thought your kid was the realest.
51
43
1K
I lost my sister to Covid…. She didn’t catch it, she shared an article online saying it was fake, so I’ll never talk to her again.
23
43
1K
1
6
1K
If Rihanna can play the halftime show insanely pregnant, Mahomes better trot that gimpy leg back out there and play the second half.
#SuperBowl
29
165
1K
It’s James’ birthday! Not even hotel concierge can tell James “No”. Tell him no, and I betchoo he does it. Happy James Day!
76
22
1K
I say I’m dumb all the time and people are like “no, you’re not” but I just accidentally rolled down my window in a car wash and in a panic, couldn’t get it rolled back up until my lap was full of soap.
75
54
992
You guys didn’t know, but telling
@Spotify
how much you love our show mattered. They sent us a really nice gift of really great wireless headphones because of you. Thank you for making this journey so rad. And thank you, Spotify.
35
16
993
Country music “stars” are glaringly silent about the situation in our COUNTRY. Y’all ain’t country at all. When’s the lease up on your pickup truck? Pussies.
47
120
955
Good news! I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas gifts by cutting conspiracy theory family members out of my life!
35
52
952
A boy bullied my daughter at school, today, so I’m probably gonna kill him. We’re the same size. It’s a fair fight.
91
5
961
I’ve attempted. I know what it’s like to feel helpless and hopeless. I promise, if you’re feeling desperate or like a burden, you. are. not. If the prevention line isn’t enough. If you need to talk to someone, DO IT. My inbox is always open.
#NationalSuicidePreventionDay
58
81
954
Live shows for 2019 are wrapped up. Now, off to spend all the time possible with my kids and Emily. Thank you all for selling out these shows, spreading them like the flu and putting our show amongst the highest ranks of comedy podcasts. We have the best audience in podcasting.
51
8
935
You guys have made us a Top 20 comedy podcast. Thank YOU!!!!
65
28
925
My daughter just asked me “remember when we got kicked out of a pool this weekend because we’re too fun for Utah?” and that’s all the paternity I need.
25
27
919
My son just texted me and asked me to Uber eats Taco Bell to his mom’s house because she left and he’s hungry at 930pm. So I did it and text him “it’s on its way”. He replied “😂😂😂 suckerrrr!”
51
9
864
My daughter just thrifted this to take home and fuck with her mom, so don’t go saying I’m not a great dad and ex husband.
59
4
856
Ooooo *add to cart*
Ooooo *add to cart*
That looks nice! *add to cart*
Don’t mind if I do! *add to cart*
Ugh. I can’t afford any of this.
*delete cart*
-me on Amazon
54
95
839
My daughter tells our server it’s her birthday everywhere we go to get free desserts. She’s 9. Monster or genius?
96
12
832
“I know you’re not an alcoholic, dad, you only drink when you’re stressed. You’re just stressed everyday”. -my daughter... being an enabler.
27
26
834
Any blanket can be a weighted blanket if you pile all the laundry you washed last week but didn’t fold on top of it and slide your depressed ass underneath.
22
88
846
I’m incredibly overwhelmed. Thank you all for sending me thousands of messages, today. I hope you all enjoy my day, too! Truly... you’re making sitting in the rain watching my son’s swim meet super worth it. Be kind to someone today... within safety, obviously. Merry Whismas! 😉
125
8
838
There will, quite literally, never be enough thank you’s to go around for the turn out tonight. It’s overwhelming how powerful this audience is... but, really, thank you.
73
10
829
Struggling a bit, today, as I did 4 loads of laundry and just realized I forgot to put detergent in the machine all 4 times.
60
12
830
Omg.
@CrimeInSports
@MurderSmall
@Jimmypisfunny
@WhismanSucks
I am ready for the election year and proud to support candidates who are not scumbags.
11
30
222
50
56
816
Dear youth of America,
Learn a trade (carpentry, electrician, plumbing, etc.). Something with “Journeyman” in the title. There is no shame in earning six figures with sweat. Additionally, union work pays the same no matter your sex.
Love,
A man who provided with union wages
44
63
811
I got to take my kids to see the most embarrassing loss in Suns history. Some memories are worth the pain.
48
8
828
Listening to a woman next to me on this plane bitching about being delayed two hours. I told her “you think you’re inconvenienced... a cargo plane crashed with 3 aboard and that’s why we are delayed. I’m sure their families feel sympathy for you”. She’s silent now.
49
28
796
I’m all checked in at the airport, about to board a plane, and realized I would never go to Oklahoma without you all giving me a reason. Thank you and fuck you for this. ❤️❤️
51
3
810
My neighbor grew huge hedges as to not see the house I live in because the guy who owned it before was a pig. I came home from Detroit to find him removing the hedges. I’m one of them, now, you guys. I’m welcome.
37
3
809
Me and James, every week, before we make a podcast.
These two toddlers' heartwarming reaction to spotting each other on the street will make your Monday.
5K
71K
314K
23
24
796
My neighbor warned me, today, they are having an “adult party” tonight. Told me “I see you have kids… I just wanna tell you don’t let ‘em look over the fence. We might be naked” and then winked. We are charging our drone. Gonna do some fly bys.
36
11
790
James and I have worked for 12 years, opening shows for very well known comedians, earning laughs from strangers cold outta the gate. Building 2 podcasts, grass roots style, while keeping our eyes on our own paper. 🧵
23
14
796
I had a food sensitivity test done, because I am clearly allergic to something I don’t know about. Results are beer, everything in italian foods, lots of fruits and nuts, and everything in a sandwich. Basically, my entire diet. So, goodbye.
118
1
794
The effort it took to make that virtual live show happen… From the aesthetics that Sarah curated over the last several weeks to James’ unbelievable research and devotion through very very little sleep. Thank you all for spending your night with us. You’re so important to us.
46
9
765
I have a brother that I’ve never met. We both have children. I have a daughter named Presley. He has a son around her age... named Elvis. What is this world?
30
10
748
I hope whoever stole my coat off my chair while I played a slot machine had the worst New Year’s Eve ever. Also, I won $800 on that slot machine. Going coat shopping.
29
6
745
Holidays are tough on people with depression and mental health problems. If you find yourself struggling and just need to vent, my inbox is always open. Happy Thanksgiving. Even if you spend it alone. I will and there is nothing wrong with that.
63
65
719
I cannot stress enough, if you’re fighting this fight, the damage is greater than you know. You matter and you’re being lied to. Hang on. My inbox is always open, if you need to talk.
In an emotional interview, Ashley Judd revealed that her mother, Naomi Judd, died by suicide. “Our mother couldn’t hang on until she was inducted into the Hall of Fame by her peers. That is the level of catastrophe of what was going on inside of her.”
123
436
2K
42
37
742
Just had a consultation for a vasectomy and my urologist said “wow. There’s a lot of elbow room in there” implying I have an enormous sack. I’m beaming.
62
6
732
At what point will the people who say “I don’t even know anyone infected with coronavirus” realize they have no friends?
35
57
711
There are adult people who are sober every day. That’s wild.
91
57
715
Me: What do you guys wanna do?
Daughter: I don’t know. Breakfast?
Son: Can we adopt a Fox today?
This is why men die younger.
23
39
720
The people who are complaining about wearing a mask actually look much better in one.
26
100
710
I’ve never had much of a “family” but my aunt just said “I’m proud of you, Jimmie” and I just had therapy this week, so now I have to wait 10 days to unpack all these emotions.
25
3
719
I rode my bike 8 miles today and then paid 2 bills on time. I don’t even know who I am, anymore.
41
1
721
Carole Baskin is the only person in
#TigerKing
not wrastlin around with the tigers, but that’s because she probably saw what they did to her husband’s corpse.
26
63
706
Took my daughter camping just for an overnight to see how she’d handle it. We didn’t check the forecast. It was miserable rainy and she loved it.
22
4
719
I was young once and in that youthful time, I felt genuinely obsolete. Useless garbage nobody wanted. I was cast aside a lot. This audience we have garnered has given me actual life. Thank you all for giving a shit about a piece of shit.
91
7
693
One of the hardest working people I’ve ever met worked last Friday, felt like shit Saturday, was admitted to the hospital on Sunday and died on Tuesday. I hate this virus as much as people who make it political.
80
29
702
Did you know it’s possible to be a strong, tough, macho guy and still treat women with respect?
35
84
692
Girl at coffee shop: Are you Tony Hawk?
Me: no.
Her: that’s what he would say and then tweet about it.
34
14
696
Dear
@RealSkipBayless
. Please fight me. Loser donates $10k to Suicide prevention and mental health research. I am 5’8” and 39 yo but I will explode your dusty old brittle jaw.
82
60
696
It is unbelievably insulting when two bleach dyed latte swilling basic bitches decide to steal an idea and pass it off as brand new and their own. I hope they drown in the rosé they probably use to wash down their Xanax. Uggs wearing twats.
117
23
689
The flight attendant just announced “we are expecting a rough landing” so I bought WiFi to tweet this in hopes this thing crashes and I get a viral tweet out of it.
27
24
691
Every girl I dated seriously married the next guy she dated. If you’re desperate to get married, holla at you boy for 6 months or so...
58
19
678
I have wild ass rabbits in my backyard that I put carrots and lettuce out for every morning and I watch them eat while I have coffee and toast. I’m every day of 40 years old.
58
0
686
I used to watch Jeopardy with my grandfather and be in awe of him and Alex for knowing everything. Sure, Alex had the answers on the cards but it felt like he didn’t need them anyway. I am one of the “we” in this answer. I love you, Mr. Trebek. 😭
Flash back to a Jeopardy contestant using his final Jeopardy to tell Alex Trebek, who had advised he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer: “We ❤️ You, Alex”. It makes him nearly break down with tears of joy. 😭 RIP
#AlexTrebek
#Jeopardy
182
9K
44K
14
22
689
How divorced am I? Oh, nearly 3 years expired Parmesan in my fridge. Even my dog is disappointed.
63
4
703
You guys remember that time Chris Watts, upon receiving a police officer’s card for contact info in the disappearance of his wife and children responded “sweet”, like it was a 10% off appiteazers at Chili’s card? I think about that every week.
39
41
683
Stevie Nicks is trending which feels like a good time to remind us all she’s a bad bitch who made her bf sing and play songs about him being scum. And then made them hits so he had to do it live while we just tell our shitbags to sleep on the couch tonight.
22
57
683
Hey you. Yes, you! I’m glad you’re around to read this. Stick around. I love you.
58
97
669
My son’s birthday party is just him playing Xbox with a bunch of other kids online and I just realized this pandemic hasn’t affected him at all.
33
15
680
Wandering around post-vasectomy with frozen corn niblets on my giblets, my daughter said “we better not be having corn with dinner any time soon”.
61
7
683
Girl at coffee shop: you look like Tony Hawk.
Me: No, I don’t.
Gacs: yeah. He’d say that.
Me: He’s like 6’4”. And has lots of hair.
Gacs: He would totally say that.
Me: my name is Jimmie!!!
Gacs: mmhmm *writes Tony Hawk on coffee cup*
53
15
676
When I was 25, I went back to my elementary school to thank Mrs Hosley for being so good at teaching and giving me confidence I didn’t have and to tell her how much it meant to me. She didn’t remember me.
42
3
678
My daughter asked for a doll for her birthday, she likes these specific ones and they are a set of 4. They are $30 each, but one of them is $16. 3 white/1 black. Guess which one is $16. Market value is based on demand. This is what systemic racism looks like.
17
71
669
There are 4 dogs on my plane. 4. And I’m not allowed to pet any of them. This is worse than 2 crying babies.
22
30
658
A man just asked the gate agent at the airport why it’s so busy… she dead faced him and said “Christmas is literally next weekend, sir”. He walked away and she said “mm, mm… that’s a man with a lot of shopping left to do”. I’m gonna ask her to be my mom.
12
15
669
Once, while watching tv and eating a bag of chips with my daughter, I noticed the chips tasted less salty and figured we got a low sodium bag until I turned to ask my daughter a question and saw her lick chips and put them back in the bag.
52
38
667
It took 126 eps of Crime In Sports to get blocked on twitter by the subject of one, but I never tagged him in a tweet, so he had to listen to do it. Thank you, Olden Polynice! Hope you enjoyed the show!
52
27
635
Waited 2 hours for a plumber and motherfucked him the whole time... he showed up and was incredibly nice and apologetic about being late. Then fixed a valve for free because of it. I’m the asshole.
50
2
658
Anxiety is crippling but at least I also have debilitating depression. 🤙🏻🤙🏻
65
71
658
My pops has 2 kinds of cancer and he’s doing okay thanks to this little shit and the weed they been smoking together.
43
7
654
The most hilarious on going joke that never stops paying off is James hotel reservations never being ready. We just made it Philly and my room is ready but guess who’s isn’t! And they have no record of his reservation.
59
7
654
If you grow a beard, you can be anybody you wanna be. Today, I’m Muhammad Ali.
40
5
656