DAVE LETTERMAN: Holy cow, Paul. Have you been outside? It is frigid out there. PAUL SHAFFER: Winter. DAVE LETTERMAN: It's so cold in New York that if you ask the hookers in Times Square to use protection, they'll put on a parka. PAUL SHAFFER: *plays Foreigner's "Cold as Ice"*

Ryan Coogler should join Werner Herzog in the directors who are also great doc narrators pantheon

Word is people aren’t seeing the Melania movie because they fear their view will be obstructed by all the Melaniacs wearing audacious hats

What if Zohran says we can get universal child care or everyone in New York gets one of these sick jackets? 🤔

Philip Glass boycotting the Kennedy Center Philip Glass boycotting the Kennedy Center Philip Glass Philip Glass Philip Glass Philip Glass Philip Glass boycotting the Kennedy Center

*screaming* THERE’S A BOMB IN MY CAR!

Sketch idea: Greg Bovino grows out a mustache to go into hiding but he can only grow a Hitler mustache

Greg Bovino, seen here trying to make sense of the Chipotle menu

Excited to see how ICE officers react when Trump turns on them and calls them losers

Word is people aren’t seeing the Melania movie because they fear their view will be obstructed by all the Melaniacs wearing audacious hats

cameron winters think he julian casablancas. julian casablancas think he lou reed. lou reed think he a beautiful gay woman

America is no position to celebrate its 250th birthday this year. Let’s revisit that conversation at 300.

Did a roast for a local podiatrist once. I went on AFTER Uncle Floyd killed with 45 minutes of street jokes. Everyone hated me. RIP Uncle Floyd.

You know the club goes crazy when the DJ drops Best Song Oscar nominee "Train Dreams" from the movie Train Dreams

You just created a million oneohtrix point nevers

https://t.co/xJge1bWeY4

TO THE ACADEMY THIS IS FOR YOU

When you thought the party was over but your ride cracks another beer

Thankful that the Knicks will never lose a basketball game again.

Not a good start for the MCU (Melania Cinemaric Universe)