I'm currently trying to convince my wife to quit her job so we can be the oldest people at music festivals this summer.

Hey, I don't know who you've got on your social media but @MarkJCarney has better people.

Hey @westerndigital I have a very old WDGreen drive I forgot about that has been spun up, screaming, for years in a server and it's starting to go down. I don't know if you offer a warrior's burial service or anything but this little guy deserves one.

R.I.P. @BrianReganComic (I know it's not scaffold but close enough)

As a guy that plays ranged characters in the Elder Scrolls fantasy games, it seems only fair that I play a melee character in the Starfield far-future sci-fi game.

Folks everywhere else are telling me to post this here. So...here?

Trying to rock a fat shit at Keen's and your dad just ripped more ass than I knew existed. I am literally poopin' and pop-pop immasculates me like it's fuckin' nothing

If @NoahKahan was super into @CallofDuty "I ain't proud of all the cunts that I've pwned" ... I'll leave.

Me blasting RTJ - I don't even care about this Drake and Kendrick beef. I listen to real shit. *Track ends* Also me - "With your baby mama at the crib I blow her back out Shawty Filipino and she call me Manny Pacquiao Alley-oop without the hoop they call me Jerry Stackhouse"

Maybe if Jesus started the sermon on the mount with "Ooh ah ah ah ah" people would still care.

Had to put our dog down on Monday. My wife and I just ate a pint of Hagen Daaz with cocaine spoons. We're fine.

Of all the years for JFL to file for bankruptcy, they pick the year they finally book me for the gala!

Use his scrotum as a built in condom and finger his prostate through the front.

This won't make any sense but I need to catalogue it: I just watched my elderly malamute lift his leg and have his dick fart like 4 times before releasing urine. What do I do?

Let me be the ground beneath your wings.

Some of you haven't driven for days to do a one-nighter where they don't get cell service and had the locals remind you that there's no hospitals or cops for hours and it shows.

Trying to write new stuff but all I've got written down is "Diolent Viarrhea"

I have access to far too many credit cards to be a "money isn't real" drunk.

Imagine for a moment that you wake up as Jennifer Lawrence. How would you feel in that moment? That's how @JLawrence_RepUs feels everyday.

Of all of these motivational dipshits online I never thought there'd be one I could actually connect with and I certainly didn't think it would be @jimmycarr