Dudish
@TheRealDudish
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5,105
Following
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Media
364
Statuses
13,879
Comedian, writer, and music producer. Recent tweets:
Joined December 2020
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Pinned Tweet
Guys, if you receive an email that says "The whole truth about COVID-19", don't open it. It's a virus.
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Someone needs to remind Disney that in order to make money they just need to make good movies. It's not rocket science.
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would've happened if you had just listened to her.
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I used to think a misogynist was a person who hated massages. Then this girl at work told me I should read more. Like I need advice from a woman.
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Unlike women, men don't miss their childhood, because mentally they're still there.
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I wish people cared for each other half as much as governments pretend to care about them.
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don't know how to operate a camera.
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"Is my butt too big?" my girlfriend asked, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Sensing a trap, I fell to the ground and played dead.
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A man's winter clothes are his summer clothes plus a jacket.
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Yesterday I told the cat he was useless. This morning I woke up only to find a dead mouse lying on a note that said, "You're next."
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Guys, your woman doesn't want you to help her clean. She wants you to stop making a mess.
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When I go to the barber, I hand him a note saying "I want a haircut." He thinks I'm deaf and never talks. Sometimes I even get a free haircut.
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The guy who threatened to ruin my life will be really happy when he finds out I did all the work already.
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Mark Zuckerberg claims his new app is going to be bigger than Twitter. And people say he has no sense of humor...
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The problem with arguing with terrible people is that they actually think they're the good guys.
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Dear women, stupidity is not a disease. Please stop trying to cure us of it.
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I think it's time to stop blaming the hormones and accept the fact that women are just crazy.
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The house is clean, dishes are washed, and dinner is ready. Tomorrow I'll sit by the window at the same time and watch my neighbor do it again.
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You may find it hard to believe, but there was a time when men and women liked each other. That was such a great time for comedy. No one got offended by anything for the simple reason that everyone was too busy having fun.
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
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I taught my neighbor's parrot to say, "Quick, put your clothes on. My husband should be here any minute."
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If God had a sense of humor, he would have put all the humans on one planet and let them kill each other. Oh, wait.
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Me: We should send flowers to the neighbor who helped us fix the roof.
Her: I was thinking of baking him a cake.
Me: But he helped us.
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You know you're getting old when the only thing that's hard in the morning is getting out of bed.
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My life is so boring that yesterday I went to see a fortune teller and she gave me back my money.
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Following the success of Bud Light's marketing strategy, Head & Shoulders just launched their new ad campaign featuring Vin Diesel.
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I'm not saying my girlfriend is a bad cook, but yesterday, after we had dinner, I heard a cockroach order a pizza.
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I told my girlfriend I'd like to try new things in bed. So she showed me how to change the sheets.
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Maybe activists are angry all the time because they have nowhere to shower.
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When a man says: "What?" He wants you to repeat what you said because he didn't hear it the first time. When a woman says: "What?" She heard you clearly the first time. She's just giving you a chance to take it back.
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There are too many people in the world and too few human beings.
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Accidentally used my girlfriend's body wash, and now I have this strong urge to be right all the time.
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The great thing about the Internet is that everyone has the right to express their opinion and get blocked.
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When aliens come to destroy the Earth, they'll be happy we did all the work already.
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If the goal is getting back to the dark ages, then yes, the world is progressing beautifully.
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The recipe for a good relationship is knowing when to shut up and when not to speak.
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The main difference between men and women is:
Women want to shower. Men have to.
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When she ignores your calls and texts, there's no choice but to get up and see if she's fallen asleep on the couch.
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My neighbor's dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
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I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don't know where all this stupidity is coming from.
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Comedy runs in my family. I got it from my dad, who got it from my grandmother, a Holocaust survivor with a great sense of humor. She introduced me to dark comedy and used to tell me jokes that were passed around in the concentration camps. "Humor was the only thing that kept us…
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This place desperately needs more people who don't get sarcasm.
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I feel sorry for my neighbor who's learning to play the trumpet. His car has four flat tires again.
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I have nothing personal against you. I have a problem with dumb people in general.
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I never answer the phone without having around the list of reasons why I won't be able to attend.
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Last night, a cop pulled me over. "License and registration!" He said.
"You don't need to see my license and registration," I replied, "These aren't the droids you're looking for."
We laughed, and next month I'm getting back my license.
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I can make all the girls in the bar say "Yes". I just ask them "Want me to leave?"
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When a romantic song comes on the radio, I always take her hand in mine, and whisper softly in her ear, "Please change the radio station."
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My girlfriend cleaned the house so well that I just saw a cockroach passing by wearing a tuxedo.
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My OCD is so bad that when I undress women with my eyes, I have to sit down and fold their clothes.
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In any normal home, the big sofa belongs to the man and the smaller one to the woman. In our house, the big sofa belongs to the woman and the small one to the cat.
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I love women who know what they want. It's much easier to ignore something defined and specific.
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A few years ago I got bitten by a radioactive Sloth and now I'm super tired.
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If this tweet gets a thousand likes, I will explain to you what manipulation is.
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I wish insects were more considerate and asked, "Are you going to finish this?" Before they commit suicide in your coffee.
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It's a sign of a good relationship when you both ignore the dishes in the sink.
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Her: What book has affected your life the most?
Me: Little Women.
Her: Really, why?
Me: My mom used to hit me with it.
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It's my party, and I'll invite imaginary friends if I want to.
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I spend so much time worrying something bad will happen that I can't enjoy the bad things that are happening to me now.
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Life gets easier once you realize the only obstacles holding you back are your own.
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My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in the kitchen wearing an apron, kneading dough, and mumbling, "He doesn't even buy bread."
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As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her "Do you need a bigger size?" I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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Sometimes, just to make the world a happier place, I’ll go up to a random woman in the street, tell her “You’re right!” and walk away.
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I got my good looks from my mom and my lack of self-awareness from my dad.
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- Dad, what is a dictatorship?
- Shhh, lower your voice! If Mom hears you, we're both doomed!
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All the problems start with the fact that most people get out of bed in the morning because they have to, not because they want to.
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Dear activist, forcing your ideology on others doesn't make you righteous. It just makes you come off as a horrible human being.
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Once I used to sing in the shower. A few years later, I discovered the faucet, and now I sing and also shower.
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Never criticize someone before you walk a mile in their ugly shoes.
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Therapist: It's normal and healthy to use your imagination.
Me: Great! Thanks! Bye...
Therapist: Wait! You didn't pay for the session.
Me: Imagine I did.
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- Who are we?
- Stoners!
- What do we want?
- To smoke weed!
- When do we want it?
- When do we want what?
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Neighbor: Man, the scarecrow you placed in your backyard is terrifying.
Me: What scarecrow?
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Just found out that you can eat ice cream even when you're happy.
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The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
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There's a special place in hell for people who hide raisins in food.
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The moment you realize there are fewer comedians in recent years because it's hard to make jokes when the whole world already looks like a parody.
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I wonder what McDonald’s kills more in a year, cows or people.
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Sometimes I go up to strangers on the street, show them this picture and ask if they have seen this boy.
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When a woman talks, shut up and let her talk. It will end faster.
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Not all guys fall asleep right after sex. Some get up to lock the door when the girl leaves.
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That phase in life when you realize that's life and it's not a phase.
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A warning on a pack of cigarettes saying, "Smoking may lead to heart disease," is like a label on a box of condoms that says, "Sexual intercourse might drag you into a relationship."
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Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There's nothing like learning from the best.
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There comes a time when you learn to appreciate the little things. Like, this morning, when I passed by a chair, I thought to myself, "Wow! A chair."
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I stopped being paranoid when I realized no one cared about me.
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A thousand years from now, when they dig up this tweet, all the best scientists in the world will spend months trying to figure out what RT means.
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Back from the grocery store.
Her: What, you didn't buy Skippy?
Me: You told me not to.
Her: And since when do you listen to me?
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OK, let me clarify something. You guys are here to read my jokes. I'm here to make you laugh. If you find my tweets offensive, there's an unfollow button. Use it. Your opinion means nothing to me. Your criticism isn't welcome here. Please, keep the good vibes rolling. Thanks.
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What's the point of winning an argument with your girlfriend if the prize is sleeping on the couch until she decides you've had enough.
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A pizza guy went inside the neighbor's house an hour ago and still hasn't come out. I'm beginning to suspect they're shooting a porn movie in there.
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An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hit the unfollow button.
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The best way to make women stop complaining about sexual harassment is to stop harassing them.
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How do you tell someone that her looks don't justify such a terrible personality without hurting her feelings?
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The bed has two sides. Her side, and the side you both share.
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Too bad Kevin Spacey was cleared of all charges. Now he has no way to explain why his career ended.
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