Hazel Hayes
@TheHazelHayes
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メイドの日
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Whindersson
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kyungsoo
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Mbappe
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Madres
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Joost
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Mother's Day
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Felipe Neto
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Bannon
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Dhoni
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TREAT YOUR ARTISTS EQUALLY
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Copa América
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Gill
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Bitget
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الامم المتحده
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Palermo
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Trenes Argentinos
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#GTvsCSK
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#الاتحاد_الاتفاق
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Thala
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Nasser
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SALVEM O DOGUINHO DO TELHADO
• 16504 Tweets
Rahane
• 12946 Tweets
$ATS
• 12708 Tweets
الجمعيه العامه
• 12529 Tweets
مجلس الامه
• 11218 Tweets
Richarlison
• 11207 Tweets
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
He didn’t want to.
Fancied a quiet night in.
Sometimes that’s all you need.
Little night to yourself.
Bit of self care.
Good for him.
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All this shit with
@LoganPaul
just reminded me that when I worked for YouTube I had the power to delete entire channels...
Shame.
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It’s just. Half the country can barely afford to feed and heat themselves this winter. And we’re about to spend an obnoxious amount of taxpayer’s money on the pomp and ceremony of burying one monarch and anointing another. And that’s really fucking sad.
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We got all dolled up to drink cocktails on the balcony and pretend we were at a swanky event. When I woke up with a hangover and saw my dress and high heels flung on the floor it truly tricked my brain into thinking I’d had a night out! 10/10 would recommend. Photoshoot optional.
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Don’t rape people then? I guess?
Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers say he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years
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Dodie ate something called Dole Whip at Disney. She tried to recreate it today using frozen pineapples and coconut milk. I was forced to watch this all play out, and to hear her running commentary on everything from our broken can opener to how disgusting the end product was.
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I spent today directing a music video for this beautiful, talented woman, who bares her soul in her songs and uses music to remind us we are not alone in whatever we are feeling. It’s an honour to get to share this with you, Dodes. Thank you for trusting me with your baby 😊
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Just to be clear. This British man. Asked this Irish woman. To apologise for singing a song with references to the IRA. And then questioned whether WE need more education on OUR OWN FUCKING HISTORY?
Ask me arse ye prick.
The Ireland women's team apologise for singing a song referencing the IRA following their world cup qualification win against Scotland last night.
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It’s comforting to know that when Paul Rudd presents me with my Oscar in twenty years time, he’ll look the exact same as he does tonight.
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I’ve made some people very very angry by saying that
*checks notes*
taxpayers’ money would be better spent feeding the poor than funding unnecessarily extravagant state events.
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A text message every depressed person secretly wants to receive…
Hey. Just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and I care about you. No pressure to reply. But if you do wanna talk, I’m here. Or we could just hang out without talking about big stuff. I’ll check in again soon x
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My new favourite thing to do is tell people that I broke my leg doing ballet in the Royal Albert Hall. And when they inevitably ask if I’m a professional dancer, I just stare off into the middle distance and say, “Not anymore.”
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Just another reason to love Paul Rudd
Imagine. She's got her Avengers candy bag. She's dressed up as The Wasp for Halloween, escorted by her father, Paul Rudd, who played Ant-Man, in the actual blockbuster film, Ant-Man and the Wasp.
But he's decided to go as Weird Al Yankovic
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I sometimes see
@doddleoddle
’s lyrics written down before I hear her sing them. They’re so different on the page, before she adds the timing and phrasing and a melody and a mood. And now I find myself even more appreciative of the craft behind the lyrics in my favourite songs.
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Together we are stronger!
...and very happy, apparently 😄
Get your own
#InfinityWar
tshirt now and help
@MarvelUK
raise money for
@Tog4ShortLives
, a charity that supports children with life-limiting or life-threatening conditions 🧡
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2019 started with such promise. And now as the year draws to a close I think I can safely say it’s been one of the worst years of my entire life and I would just like it do be done now thank you that’s it that’s the tweet no I don’t care if it’s negative af 2019 can go do one.
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Finding it harder and harder to tell the difference between what’s killing me and what’s makes me stronger.
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Did I just wear my own merch in a video for Dan & Phil's gaming channel?
You bet your ass I did.
#SPON
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Why does this remind me of
@danielhowell
and
@AmazingPhil
?
Took my dogs to take their yearly christmas photos. It’s really hard when you have one super photogenic dog and one dog having an existential crisis.
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I forgot my id and just googled myself to prove my age to a bouncer. I’m that girl now.
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Gigs and festivals are cancelled. Theatres are shut. Kids are missing out on exams and school proms. Weddings and funerals are off. Holidays are illegal. 130,000 people in the UK have DIED. But the footie is on. Of course the footie is on. God forbid we cancel the fucking footie.
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We did yoga. Then we lay down and died. Now we are dead.
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Me and my very bestie
@doddleoddle
dressed up as Molly and Amy from Booksmart and it was both the coolest and comfiest Halloween costume I’ve ever had and I just couldn’t be happier to represent such awesome women from such an awesome movie! 😁
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The sooner men learn that the amount of skin we show has nothing to do with whether they choose to objectify us the better.
Also, it must be exhausting to be overcome with an uncontrollable urge to fuck every woman whose legs or cleavage you see.
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Love him.
Love her.
Love both.
Love them.
Love all of the above.
Love whomever you damn well please!
🏳️🌈 Happy Pride 🏳️🌈
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I wish that for 24 hours,
@piersmorgan
and every other ignorant shitstain, found themselves riddled with a cocktail of anxiety, depression and PTSD so unbearably potent that being dead seemed the better option.
Also menstrual cramps.
In a safe, controlled environment of course.
She'll be hammered for saying this, but it's 100% true.
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Dodie: My tights are broken and one of my arse cheeks is fully out. Wanna see?
Me: Yes.
*Dodie turns around, revealing that one of her arse cheeks is indeed, fully out*
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Just got home to find Dodie sitting at her desk, drunk.
Me: How drunk are you?
Dodie: (giving it some thought) About eighty percent.
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At least now we know what video me and
@doddleoddle
are making next
I just watched a Peppa Pig makeup tutorial and I am never sleeping again
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Dear diary...
Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me "old," when I would NEVER call him "short and fat?" Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend - and maybe someday that will happen!
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Dodie: (very whiny voice) I’m soooo tired.
Me: Okay. But I don’t wanna hear about it all day. You get three more of those.
Her: (full blown strop) I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT I’M TIIIIIIIIIRED!
Me: That’s one.
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Good point, Alex. The collective hatred of an entire community is a small price to pay to make money. And when you die, friendless, alone, and still devoid of any decency, no matter how many lives you’ve fucked up, or lies you’ve told, you’ll have those sweet, sweet book sales.
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Dearest Haters,
I may be a self involved, pretentious, mentally unstable bitch. But at least I’m channeling that shit into something productive. Meanwhile, you’re sat there in your pants, silently typing insults, dissecting other people’s flaws to avoid dealing with your own.
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Jack: Did you see Chris Evans’ tweet about leaving The Avengers?
Me: No.
Jack: You didn’t see it?
Me: No, I did.
Jack: So you saw he’s leaving?
Me: No.
Jack: I’m confused.
Me: He’s not leaving.
Jack: He is.
Me: He’s not.
Jack: He said goodbye, Hazel!
Me: No.
Jack: No?
Me: No.
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Some drunken thoughts...
Just be fuckin kind to people for fuck sake. It’s honestly not that hard.
Go on.
Try itt.
You could
@be
dead tomorrow.
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Friends! If you see me on here late at night could you please not tell me to go to sleep? Feels a bit patronising given I’m a grown ass woman who can decide my own bedtime. Not a big deal and not aimed at anyone in particular. Just something I’ve noticed more of lately. Cheers!
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While snuggled up with Dodie stroking my hair...
Me: I would kill a person for you, Dodie.
Her: I believe that.
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Any parent not willing to teach their child about LGBTQ+ relationships is perpetuating the idea that these relationships aren’t normal or worse yet, that they don’t exist at all. They do exist. They are completely normal. And your child will learn about them eventually. Grow up.
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That time Dodie bought me flowers for my birthday then tried to take a nice photo of me with them. Suffice to say she didn’t get one.
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Here’s the thing. Years and years of fake news and sensationalist journalism and people panicking over dumb shit on Twitter made me think everyone was overreacting about Coronavirus and that I just needed to be cautious and sensible when going out. Unfortunately, I was wrong.
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Wait. Isn’t Prince Andrew a rapist who likes to hang out with convicted sex offenders?
“I have never known Buckingham Palace to be *disappointed* with other members of the Royal Family” - BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell
#bbcnewsten
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Criminalising abortion is class warfare plain and simple. The rich will still have access to safe abortions. The poor will not. Meaning they’ll be forced to have babies they’re not mentally/financially ready for, they’ll be jailed for trying not to, or they’ll die in the process.
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Dearest Nazis,
If you don’t like being called Nazis, then stop behaving like a bunch of fucking Nazis.
Sincerely,
The rest of us
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Watching films with
@doddleoddle
is brilliant. It's a constant commentary of emotion. We just watched the scene in The Hunger Games where Katniss shoots the apple and all I could hear was, "oh my god", "why'd she miss?", "shit shit shit", "what?", "shit", "no", "YES GIRL!", "HA!"
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What level of famous do you gotta be to NOT KNOW YOU WERE IN A SPIDER-MAN MOVIE???
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It’s Alex Day.
She’s talking about Alex Day.
He is and always has been a sad little sociopath who never took responsibility for his own shitty behaviour. Don’t encourage him please. Nobody should be subjected his manipulative narcissistic bullshit online or in print.
tw// There's a YouTuber who has just written a book about being vilified on the internet because he was accused by thirteen women of sexual misconduct. He is currently trying to climb the Amazon charts because he has no shame. Please don't support him, tag him, etc. thanks
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Jesus fucking Christ I need a dog so bad.
Meet Mylo. He’s just checking pup on you. Hopes you had a great day. If not, you can give him a hug or maybe some curly noggin pats. 13/10 thank you Mylo
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i miss this bish
but she’s off being a goddamn rockstar or some shit
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PSA: Ghosting is ignoring a friend/partner with no explanation. Cutting an abusive, manipulative person out of your life is not ghosting.
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Too tired for the afterparty. I just watched
@doddleoddle
curl up in a chair and sleepily claw off her wrist band. She is all of us.
#SITC
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Me: Do you wanna watch Brooklyn?
Dodie: Yeah!
Me: It’ll make us cry a lot.
Dodie: Oh good. I haven’t had a cry today.
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Sometimes I like to dress up and pretend like one of my evil schemes just came to fruition.
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People may do awful, thoughtless, cruel things. They might disappoint you, hurt you, or leave you feeling broken. But the things they do are no reflection on you. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. You are strong. And you can choose to be kind. To others and to yourself ❤️
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That’s an awful lot of shows in just two places... 😕
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Happy birthday
@doddleoddle
.
This looks like a kid getting a graduation photo with her cool aunt.
K bye ✌️
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I’ve watched this a few times and it’s kind of fascinating. Yes, I see a woman who is incredibly brave and resilient. But I also see a sad, broken human who needs to be told it’s okay not to go to work today. That plastered on smile at the end is a bit unsettling actually 😬
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Sometimes I feel like a child being dragged around the big, loud supermarket of life, and every aisle is too bright and colourful and there are too many decisions to make, and I want to just drop to the fucking floor and scream and cry till somebody puts me to bed.
Is all.
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Thank you
@enasalon
for helping me go back to my roots ☺️
Get it? Cuz I'm Irish. But also hair has roots. It's a play on words. Don't worry if you don't understand, it's very complex comedy.
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My Christmas present from Dodie could not be more perfect or welcome right now 💛
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Me: (eating a biscuit) "These are nice. Why were these in the bin?"
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Wow.
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“Why the fuck are we sitting in a flat? With loads of plants? What the fuck is any of it? You know? What even is a sofa? Why do we exist and why are all these random little things here?”
-
@doddleoddle
(completely sober by the way)
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Just dropped my phone down the stairs in a tube station. A guy passing me on the way up stopped and walked back down with me till I checked it was okay. We both had headphones in so I just gave him a smile and a thumbs up. He gave me two thumbs up in return and went on his way 😊
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I JUST SANG TRIBUTE WITH JACK BLACK THAT IS A THING I HAVE FUCKING DONE FUCK ALL YOU FUCKERS I FUCKING WIN!!!!!!!!!
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Been getting some hate on insta lately. People saying I can’t be both a serious director and also post sexy photos. So here’s a picture I posted. Alongside a photo of Sofia Coppola. And I’ve thrown in Greta and Jodie for good measure.
Women can be sexy AND successful, actually.
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Dan: Off to the shop, can I get you anything?
Me: So many jokes
Dan: Do three
Me: My life back
Dan: Yep
Me: Some C4 explosives
Dan: Sure
Me: A time machine
Dan: May as well keep going
Me: The names and addresses of everyone who's ever wronged me
Dan: Uh huh
Me: ...Hope?
Dan: Good
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It’s that time again, when
@doddleoddle
returns home from tour, bringing with her whatever gross fucking illness she picked up on the road. Good times.
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1. Why can't a woman be a role model for boys?
2. Oh no, wherever will they find another fictional male character to look up to? 🤔
Former Doctor Who Peter Davison says casting of woman means 'loss of role model for boys'
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No idea why everyone is replying to me about this. It’s not like I directed it.
😏
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Lads. I’ve got the Rona. Absolutely devo. Wanted to share on here to say a) I’ve had one jab and been as safe as poss and STILL caught it and b) it didn’t show on any lateral flow tests. Even when I was already v sick, lateral flow was negative. It only showed up on a PCR test.
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It’s just. That. When scientists suggested we stay 2 metres apart. They meant. When you HAVE to be around people. Stay AT LEAST that far away. They did not mean. Gather a bunch of people. In the same place. With the sole aim. Of PROVING YOU ARE ALL 2 FUCKING METRES APART WTAF?!?!
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Dodie: Should we get a candlelit couples massage?
Me: No.
Her: Okay.
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Okay but who here was under the impression that a Creme Egg isn’t made entirely of sugar?
This is horrifying!
Guess how much sugar is in one Cadbury’s Easter Creme Egg?
Answer: more sugar than is recommended for kids of most ages for a whole day!
Adults, don’t even think about it!
#Easter
#Easter2021
#EasterEgg
#health
#sugar
#food
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It’s important that young girls see women excelling and succeeding in their chosen career. It’s also important that girls see women who are brave enough to put their health and well-being ahead of anything else. Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka are both incredible role models.
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I love women so frickin much it hurts
She was wearing a Hijab and the opponents huddled around to make sure that her hair's not seen. This is the most wholesome thing you will see today 😌
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When
#WonderWoman
steps into no man's land. Men behind saying she can't. Men ahead blocking her way. And she keeps moving forward.
Fuck me.
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Fairytale of New York just came on in this bar and myself and a nearby Irish woman gasped and began to sing at the same time.
We’re best friends now.
Obviously.
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Me: I love bread. I don’t think I could live without bread.
Dan: You know you’re eating a mango, right?
Me: Yeah. I was just thinking about bread.
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