The Drunk Jake
@TheDrunkJake
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Following
8,107
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38,005
howdy | alt: @notthedrunkjake
Texas, USA
Joined October 2011
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why does film twitter always act surprised when a multimillion dollar actor is good at acting
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finally a normal nepo baby
‘El Chapo’s’ granddaughter, 18, joins hunt for Loch Ness Monster while romping through Scotland
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soup party where everyone brings one ingredient to throw in the oversized cauldron
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one shits their pants, the other is a big baby, I’ll let you decide which is which
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Me: *tries to take bite out of a taco*
Taco:
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Do you eat pussy?
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Yes No
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Good Grow
Job The Fuck
Up
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why’s he look like two kids trying to sneak into a movie
“It’s nasty out there,” Trump said as he arrived in Iowa. It’s -10 degrees here
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Gendry just proposed 2 days after having sex with Arya, he's definitely a military man
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Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That's about $1,324 per word. "Wow" was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
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why don’t pizzas look like this anymore
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i feel like people that order drinks like this have zero self awareness
My home girl just put me onto the greatest drink of all time u guys need to try asap
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how can the Queen be dead when she is the one reading this right now?
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Canada is Texas with snow
No one:
Not a single soul:
Any highschool in small town Canada:
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what about all of the healthcare workers?
JUST IN: Every Atlanta police officer to receive a one-time, $500 bonus today as thanks for their hard work during protests and COVID-19:
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I know a $5 Chalupa Cravings Box from Taco Bell when I see one
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if AI ever takes over i hope this little guy is the leader
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my ten year old self would never have imagined seeing a video worse than a cartel member beheading someone but here we are
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I overheard an old grandpa at lunch say he had tipped $20 on a 12 person dinner the night before and his wife laughed and said "oh honey that probably was more than enough to pay for her rent" and this is why I support euthanasia
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the dating market is 100% worse for women than it is for men, i never see men having to beg for basic human decency from women
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Taco Bell sauces be like:
__________
| |
| MILD |
| |
| (HEY) |
| (CUTIE) |
| |
__________
__________
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| FIRE |
| |
| (SUCK) |
|(ON MY) |
| (DICK) |
__________
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hi sharks
im asking for a small investment of all of your money
i have a gun
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no YOU live in a state of DENIAL
I live in MARGARITAVILLE
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if you are in the top 1% of Taylor Swift listeners this year please go to therapy
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behind every beautiful woman there is a curb that she just drove over
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Normalize letting retail employees fight shitty customers
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I just took two melatonin with coffee, your move central nervous system
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when they enlist you as a paratrooper but you have an iron deficiency and get lightheaded from standing up to fast
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instead of giving them iPads what? give them adderall?¿?
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sounds more like Microsoft Edge to me
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proposing with diamonds is so penguin coded like heres a rock do you love me
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has your boyfriend called you a good girl today or do i have to
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Take $150 out your Stimulus. Give it to a gem dealer in Ethiopia. Now you own your own uncut opal. Find a buyer. Know who would like this? Kevin Garnett. Now you have $200,000. Place that on a parlay with the Celtics. Now you have $1,229,000. You owe someone money. He kills you.
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trying to find a woman that will wear one of them big ass 18th century dresses so I can eat her pussy in public under it
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Republicans think owning a gun is a personality trait
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got asked if I could do a Mac Miller piece but they wanted it themed off the Circles album, had to come up with a concept for it but the first trial looks promising
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Dolly Parton could murder three people in front of me and I wouldn’t care
Are you ok with 77 year old Dolly Parton dressing like a 20 year old Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.
Yes? or No? 👇
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*girl posts a cute picture*
Middle Aged White Man with a wife and three kids: u r such a dirty little slut, wht r u going 2 do for daddy?
*opens man's page*
📌 Pinned Tweet
God is good and glorious, all praise be unto him
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Let's start a thread of your worst Tinder hook up, mine was when we we're doing it doggy style and her cat jumps onto the bed and scratches my ass so I reach back and push it off the bed a little to hard and it thuds into the wall and we had to stop so she could go check on it.
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this is hilarious because you know someone’s grandma on Facebook believed it was real
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i bet this is how cats view themselves in their head
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we all agree they both look bad right?
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I lied, wouldn’t be chaotic enough, instead I’m bringing one vial of belle delphine bath water
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who wrote this? a tummy ache
Stop drinking ginger ale for an upset stomach — it could be doing more harm than good
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unless Danny Devito is Stitch I don’t want it
Lilo & Stitch is reportedly getting a live-action/CGI hybrid remake on Disney Plus.
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haven’t seen a cowboy get blown out this badly since brokeback mountain
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Imagine being so ugly that the woman you impregnated makes up a story and tells everyone she was a virgin and she refuses to admit that you are the father so a whole religion gets formed
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ok it may work
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@AngryManTV
@khalesalad
Great story, I attempted to bring some color back into the photo for you, hope you enjoy.
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James Charles Wants James Charles to Be the First Gay Bachelor*
The Internet Wants James Charles to Be the First Gay Bachelor
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college students of twitter, what do you put in your ramen? I threw a miniature lime, cayenne pepper, small amount of garlic pepper in some shrimp flavored.
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Made one of those inspirational quotes to hang up in the shop!
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Flirting in October:
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Salem in 1963:
👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿
👉🏿👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👈🏿
👉🏿👉🏾👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽👈🏾👈🏿
👉🏿👉🏾👉🏽👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼👈🏽👈🏾👈🏿
👉🏿👉🏾👉🏽👉🏼👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻👈🏼👈🏽👈🏾👈🏿
👉🏿👉🏾 👉🏽👉🏻 🧙🏻♀️ 👈🏻👈🏽👈🏾👈🏿
👉🏿👉🏾👉🏽👉🏼👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👈🏼👈🏽👈🏾👈🏿
👉🏿👉🏾👉🏽👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👈🏽👈🏾👈🏿
👉🏿👉🏾👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👈🏾👈🏿
👉🏿👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👈🏿
👉🏿👆🏿👆🏿👆🏿👆🏿👆🏿👆🏿👆🏿👆🏿👆🏿👈🏿
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@RickyPound
that would be my first thought, is the barista going to throw this in my face after they make it 😂
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I am no better than Jacob from Twilight, I turn into a dog when I see a bad bitch too
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ok we may have different opinions on film but I think we can all agree how great this painting looks!
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what a bunch of fucking idiots, it sure would be a shame if someone started a thread to call out each one of them
take a look. these are the idiots making decisions for WOMEN in America.
Governor Kay Ivey...SHAME ON YOU!!!!
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this is what ai should be used for
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finally an easier way to worship the woman reading this right now
Alright… but this for sports photography would be pretty clutch. 👀
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Damn Rihanna wasn't playing when she said she was releasing makeup for every skin tone
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if you support HOAs you should be labeled as part of a domestic terrorist group
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If your nipples ever get hard for no reason it’s because a ghost is playing with them, call that paranormal activititties
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Nobody:
Cherry Emoji Twitter: me after I MURDER my wealthy husband and collect his inheritance
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someone sent me a snapchat that said "why is my forehead so big" and I really sent back "so I can give it more kisses" fuck I feel like Noah Centimeter
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Sex Tip: If she has an outtie belly button don't forget to give it attention also, that is her second clitoris
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so you said the n-word
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This is great Kim! Definitely my second favorite video of yours!
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like having to ask for aftercare may literally be the bar on the floor
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The conversation on consent is really messed up. The fact we need to still have this conversation with grown men is messed up. The fact a grown man said this without seeing a problem with it is messed up. No always means no.
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got asked if I could do some floating honeycomb shelves, so I decided to slap one together as a test, how’s it look?
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finally Stevie Nicks is going to unhex the moon and return 2020 back to normal
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Men try to think of the last time you were in a situation where you felt the need for a self defense weapon. That's a fear women have daily. Don't be ignorant, be aware of the situations women face and be better than that.
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per•for•ma•tive ac•tiv•ism
white people waking up yesterday, see they charged the other officers in George Floyd’s death, say we did it, then completely stop talking about the issue
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getting your dick sucked by a redhead while driving? nah that’s copperhead road
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I just unfollowed someone because they said they eat their steak well done, I don’t want those type of unstable people in my life
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I budget out $20 for lunch everyday so when I decide to just bring leftovers to work I send the money to my girlfriend so she can use it to get lunch
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you think she gallops off when she loses an argument?
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i finally understand how they felt watching the library of alexandria burn
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Let's start a thread of changing a single word of a movie title to turn it into a porn title:
Paul Blart: Mall Cock
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a chiropractor is not enough, i need Shaquille O’Neal to palm my head like a basketball and pick me up
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