Bovine Thots With Poppin Twats
@TheDailyCowman
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Dad,husband,cattle rancher, loves agriculture, if you are easily offended, you will be offended, if you are not easily offended, you will be offended.
Connell,WA
Joined November 2010
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So Y'all are going to LOVE this
10 years on twitter and got my first spanking for a profile picture I have had since the beginning
did that profile picture trigger someone as "graphic violence" or "pornographic content" that may "stimulate sexual arousal?
#CantStopLaughing
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This is Suicide Bob
Suicide Bob in his 3 short weeks of life has
jumped off a 20 foot cliff
ran across a major highway right in front of a Peterbilt
head butted a bulls testicles looking for milk
dont be like Suicide Bob
#SMDH
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4yo grandson comes in the house
walks up to me looking me up and down
says "I dont see you wearing any green papa" as he hauls off and punches me in the balls
"PINCH not punch!" I hear his mother say as I start to cry
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#ProTip
I pulled in the yard tonight right behind my bride
she had just done a 9 hour shift of work
I asked her if she wanted to go look for some missing cows in the dark
she said "Sure, you gather up some beers and let me get some jeans on"
that boys and girls
is love
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4yo grandson explaining to his dad how his Papa taught him to load cattle
"You have to work them slow and easy and then you say 'get in the bus you sons a bitches'"
#HeIsntWrong
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I have seen some
#cowboy
shit in my lifetime but a buddy had to hogtie a sick calf so he used a rattlesnake he had killed 🤣🤠
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Reason number 7487 why I love rural Merica
Old boy asked to borrow a clutch pedal from an old Farmall decorative tractor parked in yard so his Farmall could be in the parade
Today he returned and reinstalled pedal and made payment
An opened 20 pack with 13 beers left 🤣🤣🤣
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I dont know why we need a new program to eliminate student debt
there has been a program in place that has worked for years to eliminate student for those who are not worthless, entitled, crybaby fucks
it is called
A JOB
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The first person I ever hired to work for me stopped by the ranch today
He has not worked for me in over 10 years
said he wanted to thank me for 3 things
giving him a chance
being tough on him
never asking him to do something that I wouldnt do myself
My old heart is full
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My bride totally baited and hooked me this morning
Bride "That storm in the midwest must have been a male.."
Me "Ok, I'll bite, why is it male?"
Bride "It promised way more inches than it delivered" 😂😂
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There once was a boy name Beto
who was a fucking pendejo
he came for the guns
but it wasnt much fun
because someone shot off his huevos
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My favorite
#cattle
market story from my dad to a guy complaining about prices
Dad said in 1973 he sold 10 steer calves, took the check to the bank, and went down the street and bought a new pickup
he said today you can sell 10 calves and still buy yourself a 1973 pickup
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I am not sure that the world needs more cowboys
but I do know the world really does need a lot fewer whiny ass, overly sensitive, offended by everything, weakass, pussy always sore, crybaby sons a bitches
BTW
I am back you bastards
carry on
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1st let me say I sometimes struggle with mental health and its different for everyone
but
I am fully convinced that if everyone could see new baby calves playing and running like bats out of hell at sunset with their tails in the air we could eliminate big bunch of depression
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The most amusing part of todays impeachment will come tomorrow when about half or more of the people in the USA are confused as to why Trump is still President
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Morning so far
2 cows out
2 cows run through neighbors hotwire fence
find fencer unplug
go to fix fence
wrong fencer, get shocked to fuck
go to find other fencer in neighbors shop
shop is dark and he has old full body mannequin in shop
Larry shits his pants
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*scene I was getting fuel and 20 something year old kid with a old pickup and 80's vintage gooseneck stocktrailer with a horse and atv tries 3 different cards trying to get fuel...all rejected*
Handed him a $20 bill and 2 beers
not becuz I am a good person
cuz I been there
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#ProTip
For you cattlemen type
find ya a girl that supports what you do
find ya a girl that puts up with your shit and calves in the bathtub
and when you find that girl
and she tells you she wants to go out drinkin' and dancin'
take her drinkin' and dancin'
#ImOutTwitter
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If I was Bayer/Monsanto I would announce the end of Roundup production yesterday
Then I would start a spinoff company named "Natures Best"
then I would reformulate glyphosate slightly and call it "SequesterCarb"
Then enjoy 20 years of the foodie club being too stupid to know
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12 hours grandpa in charge
fence build class
replacement heifer moving class
truckstop lunch class
BS at the parts store class
new "bad" words class
drive a John Deere 4440 class
find cold beer and ice cream class
How to keep grandma from kicking our ass class pending
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What a world
one day you can be 16 and "off limits" to any criticism because of your age
and the next day you can be all kinds of evil for something you said when you were 16
#SaluteToTheFakeOutrageIndustry
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This Canadian fat cattle hauler was about to cross the bridge to the right in the first photo
a car pulled out in front of him with icy roads
he hit the median and went down the steep bank, bounced across RR tracks and almost in to the Snake River
word is all cattle survived
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My coming 19 yearold Queen of the desert didnt come home this fall
I knew why
Dont think I have ever had a more profitable cow
Lots of daughters, granddaughters and great granddaughters in herd
Even in death look how she makes the grass grow
#ranchlife
#MotherNature
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Happy Fathers Day
I know many of you, especially in
#Ag
work with your father in some capacity
I know sometimes that can be difficult
I know sometimes it hurts when he "tells" you what to do
well let me tell you something
it hurts more when he is no longer around
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Last thought before I collapse from exhaustion
Remember ladies and gentlemen struggling through weather and calving
Your ancestors did this too
no LED spotlight
no pickup
no heater
no music
no Ipad
no internet
no Twitter
Buck up buttercup
its an honor to do this life
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14 yo nephew had his phone confiscated by his mother due to “inappropriate use”
My 18yo nephew has “rented” his phone to his little brother for $1 a minute
I love when oppression and capitalism work together 🤣🤣🤣🤣
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Oh God no
I would never eat these sweet angels
I sell these steers into a vegan cattle breeding sanctuary program where they breed heifers and the calves are then made into carbon free celery and kale to be distributed for free at animal rights protests
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Neighbor "You know if you had one of those Yeti coolers your beer would stay cold all week."
Me "Its ok, I know how to properly drink beer within the first few hours of owning it."
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No matter what kind of day you are having it is probably better than my friend is having.
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Dont concern yourself when people throw rocks at you
dont throw those rocks back
collect those rocks
use them to build a foundation for something for yourself
and laugh as they hate you even more
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3 rules I have always found to be very helpful related to social media
Before you post something ask yourself
1. Will it make anyone mad
2. Will it make anyone face an uncomfortable reality
3. Will anyone be offended
If any of these are true
SEND THAT SHIT
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#cattle
auction comment of the day
Buyer "Are these calves weaned?"
Auctioneer "Do you see their mother anywhere?"
Buyer...........
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So many of my former grade school classmates post what they are drinking at 5pm on Friday
Bitches I have been drinking since 10am on Monday and that is why in 3rd grade I was in the gifted program and you were not.
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Some of y'all have never purposely splashed some cowshit over an expired stock trailer license plate tab to go into town to get beer for lunch and it shows.
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<<< This grandpa is in a little bit of trouble
apparently my 4yo grandson used the F word that he may have heard poppa say a time or two by accident
to be fair his quote was......
"I dont want any f*cking lettuce"
so it isnt all bad 😂
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Sometimes you can find something cool over on the assbook
Hillside combine doing work in Prescott,Washington
We are not in Kansas any more
#HillsideMafia
#AgTwitter
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A vegan, a cross fitter and someone doing keto walk into a bar
I know this because they have been here 2 minutes and told everyone
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Day Laborer "How close can I get to that electric fence and not get shocked?"
Me "Um...what?"
Day Laborer "How far does the shock zone reach from the fence, like 3-5 feet right?"
Me straight faced "No, it is a new "smart" fence, it only shocks cattle"
Day Laborer "So cool!"
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#WednesdayWisdom
Gentlemen get to know the person that does your brides hair
Tell them there is a $20 bill in it if they text you to let you know when your bride gets ANYTHING done to their hair , cut, color etc
This way you wont miss complimenting her 1/4 inch haircut
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I knew I would never become filthy rich in the
#cattle
business
but I have reached an economic place where I no longer fight the pistachio shells that are hard to open and I just throw them away
so now I pretty much know how Warren Buffett lives.
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So yesterday I told my grandson that he should sing really loud at his Christmas concert today, we didnt talk about staying upright. Watch until the end! OMG I cant stop laughing. 😂🤣
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You dont get to watch animals being abused over and over without intervening on their behalf as it is happening and then try to tell me you "care" about animals
You are a coward that cares about an agenda
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#ProTip
When law enforcement pulls you over for a out tailight and then proceeds to ask you about the "drug paraphernalia" (syringes and needles) on the dash of your pickup dont say.."Oh those are for giving drugs to some of my black girlfriends at home I am trying to fatten up"
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and on the 6th day God created all the animals of the earth
including cows
which God purposely created to drive people to drinking alcohol because they were so beautiful but also so frustrating
and God laughed and laughed and laughed
This is the gospel according to Larry
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A man can do many things in life and can acquire many material things
But
when you hear from your 4yo grandson
"Its time to go check in for mutton bustin' at the rodeo, can you take me there Papa?"
none of that other fluffy material BS in life means very much
#Blessed
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My 85 yearold neighbor with the best take on today
"What if this farming thing gets really bad and some of these guys have to sell their snowmobiles and not go on a 3 week vacation to Cabo." 🤣🤣🤣
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*cow gets out*
Rancher yells "Bitch, one more time of this shit and you will be sent off to be a Happy Meal!"
Narrator "But the cow was unfazed, as she had read in the news McDonalds was not longer putting cheeseburgers in Happy Meals."
My afternoon as a documentary
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Dear cow
#7125
You lost a set of twins that probably wasnt your fault and I know I didnt have a twin to graft on to you
I was mulling if you got to stay or go on feed
YOU chose to get out of belly deep grass to eat grass along the road
enjoy the feedlot and Tyson ya whore
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Sex is great but have you ever watched a first calf heifer eating her afterbirth from the light of a spotlight while her cleaned up newborn calf suckles from her perfect udder while David Allen Coe singing "The Ride" blares from the radio?
#ranchlife
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Dear Dad
I didn't really want to smoke them
But we sold steer calves today @ 424 pounds $245cwt and 515 pounds @ $228 cwt
And I needed to smell a burning KOOL or two on the way home just like you were here riding with me
I miss you so damn much
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She just blew right by her father and I am very proud
What I am most proud of is this kid is getting a major in Ag Economics and a minor in Animal Science in 3.5 years and by working her ass off and making good life choices is walking away with ZERO debt!
Trading in my title of Coug student for Coug Alumni tomorrow
Time to graduate 🎓❤️🐾
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There are 2 great things about not having any hired help
1. Not having any hired help
2. Guess who once again won Employee of The Month for October 2018
👏🤠
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85 yearold neighbor this morning
"The idea of democracy and every person voting is a noble idea.....until you realize that more than half of the people are dumb fucks"
🤣🤣🤣
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One of the old cows I am selling tomorrow is the LAST cow left from the LAST group of cows my Dad bought before he died
eyes just might get a little juicy in the morning when we load.
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If you play any song by Florida Georgia Line at exactly 11:59:47pm on December 31st right when the clock strikes midnight everyone will look at you and say
"Hey, shut that shit off."
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constantly 👏bitching 👏on👏social👏media👏about👏how👏bad👏your👏life👏sucks👏is👏not👏going👏to👏make👏your👏life👏better👏
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Somewhere out there is a person in an insane asylum
The person was perfectly fine and mentally stable
until one day when they decided to untangle 3 days worth of used bale twine, a set of long jumper cables and a log chain from the back of their pickup
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Dear farmers and ranchers that keep their pickups clean,
WTF do you do when you need to write down an important number and you cant find a pen and there isnt enough dirt/mud or cowshit on your pickup to write it in?
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Dear God,
If you have any sense of humor whatsoever
please let some scientist discover that eating GMO foods will make you immune to the Corona virus
Your friend who likes to laugh
Larry
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Cant confirm as yet but some sad news coming out of Pullman tonight, it looks like WSU QB Tyler Hilinski has died from an apparent suicide. So sad, kids and adults please remember you can always call The National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255 Thoughts and prayers to the family
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Todays birthday celebration has started with a shot of whiskey at 9am
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I dont know whose birthday I am celebrating but whoever you are cheers to you ya magnificent son of a bitch
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Sheezus
One dead goat fucker and the whole world gets dramatic and everyone on twitter becomes a foreign policy expert
I have cows to move
I will leave y'all to your drama
#FakeOutrageSyndrome
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40 years ago my granddad planted these trees
I hated him for it because I was the one that had to hoe the weeds and keep the damn things watered
Now I am thankful, I don’t know how many calves have been saved from north winds and blowing snow but it is a LOT!
#Ranchlife
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Today I had 6 dove hunters
They gave me 6 Ben Franklins and they promised to shut a gate which they did
I gave them a few hours of land access and the right to kill 90 doves that I guess belong to
@peta
because they sure were not mine
#PetaMournsMourningDoves
#Ranchlife
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39 years ago WOW
Teenaged kid had a mouth fight with his dad
Kid took off on his motorcycle miles from home
Sky turned pitch black and kid slowly found his way home through falling ash to worried family
One of the few times dad and I hugged
#MtStHelens
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*Covered in cowshit while chatting with a duck hunter*
Hunter "Why would anybody choose to do what you do for a job?"
Me "This isnt a job, this is an answer to every prayer and dream I had as a little boy."
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I dont care how deep in the alligator pit you are on any given day when your grandson calls you for a video chat to tell you he is signed up for mutton busting at the county fair /rodeo you take that call and your whole world becomes a better place.
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My bride and daughter didnt have time to march today
one went to town to get grain
one helped me check and feed cattle
you know, doing things that made them feel equal and pweerful
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I was asked today my 10 top tips for calving season
1. Use the right bulls
2. Have the right kind of females
3. Leave them the fuck alone
4. Leave them the fuck alone
5. Leave them the fuck alone
6. Leave them the fuck alone
7. Leave them the fuck alone
...............
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#ProTip
If you have a "Wide Load" sign and lights on your pickup from moving equipment earlier in the day
and happen upon your bride out for a walk on the county road in the evening
DO NOT get behind her driving slowly with your hazards on.
#LifeAdviceFromUncleLarry
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When you are a grandpa and you watch Smokey and the Bandit with your 4yo grandson (who is watching it for the first time) and he asks you to replay the scene of the Trans Am hitting the mailboxes you do it! and do it, and do it and do it and ...next we explain the term "sumbitch"
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Dear Mr, Miss, Mrs politician,
You talk a good game of "sustainability", "conservation", "family farms" and "local food"
but then you promote regulations and taxes that put farmers and ranchers out of business
so sincerely from me to you
Fuck Off
You are totally full of shit
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When you are at a party and nobody wants to talk about cows.......
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Telling an 18 year old they cant do something until they are 21 is a sure fire way to make sure they do whatever it is
This tobacco ban to age 21 will work out well
I mean heck we know nobody under 21 drinks alcohol
#WeNeedToBanFuckingStupidLaws
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There are 2 ways to live life
Like two old bulls bellowing at each other, blowing snot and pawing the ground in the dusty spot along a fenceline
or like a group of healthy 3 month old calves playing, running and kicking in the sunshine and green grass
choose wisely
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Todays
@bob_suicide
check in
is he with his mother? NO
is he with any of the other cows? NO
he is a half mile away from everyone just telling the world he has zero fucks to give.
#SMH
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I dozed off earlier and had a nightmare that I was loading some cows but they had to go up the chute backwards because the new owner wanted them to be headed the right direction when they got to his place. I seriously woke up flailing my arms and swearing like a MF er
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4yo grandson "Papa, if a mosquito bites you it leaves a mark and it itches right?"
Me "Yes bud thats right"
4yo grandson "Sometimes I dont have a mosquito bite on my wiener and it still itches"
Me *spitting beer all over* "Yes bud thats right"
#TheWorldIsMyAmusementPark
🤣🤣
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You work at Microsoft
You shop Whole Foods
You like Gucci
You drink Starbucks
but "corporate farms makes your blood boil"
STFU already
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365 days in a year
I would say on average 355 of those I love cows and all
#cattle
about 10 days a year I hate all bovine sons a bitches
today was one of those 10
but I did find an old 9/16 end wrench in the dirt tonight as I closed a gate
so tomorrow is a new day
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My 2.5yo granddaughter has some cows on her skirt and wants to sit with Papa at the
#4thofJuly
parade
Her fingers may be small but they are big enough to have me wrapped around them.
#Blessed
Enjoy your day folks!
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Tomorrow is the 12th anniversary of losing my Dad
Been thinking about him a lot this week and what he would say or think about our current state of affairs
I remember something he said after 9-11
"Son, a fearful population is a compliant population, thats the whole idea"
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Not to brag or anything but President Trump sent me a text today........
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Had access to the grain cart operators phone
My cell number is listed as “Beer Drinkin Larry”
Wasn’t sure how I felt about that
Until I saw one of the other truckers name
“Crayon Eatin Paul”
😂🤣😂🤣
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Marry a woman for looks,for her body,for her smarts,for her job,for her headboard breaking ability..
and yes my bride excels at all those
but the real clincher
will she drive your drunk ass to a store to buy Copenhagen at 8pm on a Sunday night?
because that boys is true love
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When I was age 15 and delivered my 1st load of wheat to an elevator I was the youngest driver in the line
same at age 24
same at age 33
same at age 42
I swear today I was the youngest in the line at age 51
#OldTruckersNeverDieTheyJustGetANewPeterbilt
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I love dumping cows out cornstalks for the winter
The cows know how to find a cob of corn and give you a look like “ha ha I am eating corn ya tight bastard”
While I am all “good luck ya pregnant slut, I love ya but you won’t be seeing any hay unless it snows a foot or more”
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Dude ahead of me in this convenience store and was being a total ass to the employees because he hard credit card issues
as I leave the store he asks for directions to West Palm Beach Florida
I had no idea
but I gave him some directions anyway 🤣
#TheWorldIsMyAmusementPark
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Somewhere right now, there is a guy with 40 head of cows ordering a new King Ranch pickup with his USDA government cheese downpayment money that will be complaining he cant make any money in the cattle business this fall...
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Reason
#8293
why I love cattle truck drivers
*Scene, 1 mostly black heifer will not unload off the nose deck*
Trucker "Look Rosa Parks I support you riding in the front, and I know today is junetenth or whatever but this bus is going out of service so get the f*ck off" 🤣🤣
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Beat me up if you have to
But know I really give zero fucks
I just miss my Dad
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If you have never just leaned against the fender of a semi truck in the dark
and listened to and watched cows grazing grass
from the glow of chicken lights
while taking a few good pulls off a bottle of whisky
I dont think your version of heaven is going to make me religious
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I remember when I couldnt wait to become an adult and run my own life and make my own decisions
Now here I am sitting and waiting because my 3 yo grandson is coming to the ranch today he has informed me that I cant check cows until he gets here.
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Roses are red
Cows are fed
Tonight is our Franklin County Cattlemens Banquet and Ball
drinks are $2
and Larry is going to be a drunk sumbitch
The End
thanks to Mr Colley my high school English Literature teacher for my incredible ability to write poems
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The American Dream is dead for young people
Hear it all the time
its BULLSHIT
24 years old
paid for college with scholarships and working
4 year degree
no student loan debt
good job
bought a house
what she didnt do is bitch about how tough life is 24/7 online
#ProudDad
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40 years ago today a smart mouthed boy had a screaming fight with his dad
the boy got mad and took off on his motorcycle
the morning sky went totally dark and scared boy slowly found his way home through falling ash
No words from dad just a big hug
Miss you Dad
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Dear cow
#6002W
I know, that you know where your calf is
but you also want me to worry because I didnt see your calf today
your extra full bag at 2pm did have me a bit concerned
but those wet curly hairs and sparkling clean teats at 530pm gave your ass away ho
#Ranchlife
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Beat me up if you need to
But know I give zero fucks
I just miss my Dad
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