💗Alia Janine💗
@TheAliaJanine
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31,942
Following
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Media
528
Statuses
2,649
Comedian | Creator & Producer of @HardcoreComedy | Host @HowToDoDrugsPod | Self-employed | Tweets do not represent the views of my employer
AUS-JFK-LAX-MKE
Joined January 2011
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@AliceRHamilton
@EarlSkakel
I’ll send recent head shots and they’ll find a decade old pic of me from porn to use. Oh, how I have snapped and am still snapping. Will never not be snapping.
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Shout-out to all of the female comics who now have onlyfans accts. who talked shit and looked down on me (and other sex workers) for being in porn. Welcome to the darkside, whores. 💁🏻♀️😉😂
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If you have ever been to my apartment, this is how much candy I have. I’m not doing all this shit, though. You eat it out of the bags like the degenerate adults we are.
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A porn star could literally save the world, but people still won't pay for their porn.
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I used to suck dick for a living and I don’t even need this much attention.
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I accidentally bought scented pads and now my snatch smells like someone was murdered in a flower shop.
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I wonder if Apple knows more people are killed by cigarette emojis than gun emojis....
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Why is when I give a blowjob for money Im a "whore," but when a wife does it for a new pair of shoes it's called "marriage?"
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"I deleted Facebook from my phone" is the new "I don't watch TV."
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Me: Im in a great mood today!
Facebook memories: No the fuck you ain’t
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Having boobs is great because I haven’t had to pay for a drink since I was like 12.
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My porn career lasted as long as the confederacy, and just like my porn career, some people are still holding on for a come back that’s never going to happen.
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I woke up from a sex dream of me masturbating.
Narcissist level: expert.
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When other comedians attempt to brag about their youtube views to me. 💁🏻♀️👀🤣
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I love how some porn sites label me as “mature” lol OK
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A dude said I was unfunny and too ugly to do porn, but he followed me and liked over 20 posts. My dad is so extra sometimes.
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I've had more interesting conversations with a dude's dick than the dude. Dick just gets me at a deeper level.
I woke up to tweet this.
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“Im vaccinated.” Is the new, “We don’t need a condom.”
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I always wanted to be the first whore to host SNL but that dream is gone now 😔
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Just a 41yr old woman sitting in a park on acid during a pandemic.
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Sleeping 👏🏼 with 👏🏼 an 👏🏼 ex 👏🏼 doesn’t 👏🏼 count 👏🏼 during 👏🏼 a 👏🏼pandemic 👏🏼
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Really disappointed in
@Gothamist
for hiring the extremely biased and known sexual harasser
@sasimons
to write about what’s happening in our city and comedy community when the creepy little boy doesn’t even live in NYC. Hell, he doesn’t even live in the state.
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"Do you lift?"
Nah, I can barely carry the weight of my own existence.
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I like you like I like zucchini, I don't, but if you're around I'll deal with it.
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All these Tik-Tok stars lip-syncing, making millions but ain’t nobody gonna give Milli Vanilli their Grammy back?
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I swear, only comedians and porn stars get asked, on the spot, to perform their jobs… for free. 🙄
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Me, yesterday: I shouldn't post about a 'glitch in the matrix.' Too many weirdos out there.
Me, today: Christ. At least the weirdos would've gotten the joke.
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What I think I want: A boyfriend
What I actually want: Someone to bring me sandwiches in bed
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Im either downloading Tinder or trying heroin this week
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I just want to be rich enough where I dont have to pay for stuff.
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Everytime Imagine Dragons comes out with a new song I know Im going to be annoyed for a year
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I love when people are like, “you dont know anything about politics and you should stick to sucking cock!”
Settle down, Frank. Go fix another air conditioner, and let me finish sucking off this Senator.
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Friendly reminder that sex work is work. Sex workers are real people. If you consume our product, but then attempt to shame, or even worse, scam us, you’re showing us that you’re not only a hypocrite, but you lack the emotional intelligence and self-respect to even speak to us.
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I just coughed so hard my tampon came out, so I think Im ready for pussy ping-pong to be in the Olympics.
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All sex workers should be seen as medical and/or mental healthcare professionals.
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They need to stop having celebrities as the spokespeople for gambling apps. We know Jamie Foxx can afford it. It's really quite condescending.
I want to see an ad with Tony from Wayne, NJ., who just lost his kid's college fund and now has to tell his wife.
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I never knew getting fingered while a dude watches the news was something I wanted, but here I am, cumming during Hardball. 🤷🏻♀️
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I could have been a ballet dancer if it wasnt for these meddling tits!
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Im too hot right now to not be getting pancakes and dick whenever the fuck I want. Fuck this pandemic.
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At the point in a relationship where he just sleeps over, and we don't have sex. So, it's time to break up, obviously.
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If it wasn’t for my tits I’d only weigh about 40-45lbs.
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I started seeing this dude who has a vasectomy, so he’s just shooting blanks into an empty barrel now.
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WHOSE 👏🏼 DICK 👏🏼 DO 👏🏼 I 👏🏼 HAVE 👏🏼 TO 👏🏼 SUCK 👏🏼 TO 👏🏼 STOP 👏🏼 THIS 👏🏼 INSANITY?!?
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I love seeing old porno picks of me and seeing that yes, I do, in fact, still own those heels.
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I truly hope other media outlets such as
@vulture
,
@PasteMagazine
,
@Slate
, etc do thorough investigations into the sexual harassing claims against
@sasimons
before hiring him again. Also, maybe think about hiring someone who actually knows about comedy and isn’t so biased.
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Porn/sex work helped me get back control of my body and sexuality as a woman. Comedy helps me work through shit mentally. I chose professions that helped me learn and grow as a person. Money is great, but knowledge and self awarness are priceless.
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I don't know about you guys, but I think after 2 glasses of wine, a joint, and a game of Secret Hitler it's the perfect time to write a paper on Milgram's studies on obedience and Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment.
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Im in
@HustlerMag
again!! This time with my clothes on! 😉😆🥳 Thank you
@MissyXMartinez
for the fun interview! 🙏🏼🥰
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I really don’t have the personality for anything smaller than a D cup, if Im being honest.
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Today marks my 8th year of retirement from the porno flicks, for all those with bets placed! 😏
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This dude has been stalking me for YEARS. He’s flown across the world to “meet me.” If I get kidnapped or murdered. This is the man who did it.
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2010 Alia: Am I gonna get AIDS from doing porn...
2020 Alia: Am I gonna get COVID from having a beer outside...
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I will not fuck the bartender
I will not fuck the bartender
I will not fuck the bartender
I will not fuck the bartender
I will not fuck the bartender
I will not fuck the bartender
I will not fuck the bartender
I will probably fuck the bartender
I will not fuck the bartender
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Happy 1 year cancer (and period) freeeeeee to meeeee!🥳🥳🥳
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Saw a porn bot tweet calling me “vintage,” so I will need everyone to respect my new title.
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Im “I just realized it’s legal for me to have sex and a drink with people who were born the year I graduated high school” years old.
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Being 39 means getting laid and having multiple orgasms and then being so horny an hour later as if you never had sex.
So, basically just like eating Chinese food, but your vagina is hungry.
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I wish we could get rid of guns and bring back swords. Slicing and stabbing just seems more satisfying, ya know? I also love a good poisoning. Let’s make murder personal again!
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If you can still listen to Michael Jackson’s music you can still watch Kevin Spacey’s movies.
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Fun fact about being a (retired) porn star: anytime my parents are looking through baby pics and find a naked one of me, I scream, “child porn!” In their face. They really, really hate it.
😏😂🎉
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Chicks with Onlyfans who don’t do actual sex work are just Dollar Tree whores
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Fucking me isn’t necessarily a “badge of honor” as much as it is a “participation trophy.”
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