Texts From Last Night
@TFLN
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81,627
Chronicling your wild lives, one text at a time ••• Email hello @textsfromlastnight .com for rates / collab / whatevah
anywhere with cell service
Joined February 2009
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(212): He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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(215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
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(201): Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
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(310): You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
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(516): Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
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(506): my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
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(705): He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
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(267): slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya"
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(310): What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
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(256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
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(314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college…
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(905): And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
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(267): If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
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(509): Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
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(503): If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
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(614): You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
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(774): so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
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(571): I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
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(479): I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
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(313): stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
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(804): I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
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(212): He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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(508): Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
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(415): OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING, I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING.
(1-415): Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
(415): I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED.
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(317): Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
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(224): He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
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(248): I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
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(989): no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
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(408): I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
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(541): Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
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(619): I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
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(518): I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
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(440): My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
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(651): Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
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(306): went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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(440): all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
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(562): I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
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(989): I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
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(406): Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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(407): I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
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(616): Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
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(479): Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
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(847): She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
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(828): drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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(815): I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
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(412): Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
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(484): Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
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(847): lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
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(403): if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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(617): I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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(906): Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
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(480): He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
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(716): my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week.
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(864): sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
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(204): As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
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(212): We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
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(602): you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
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(401): Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
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(281): Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
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(317): i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
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(734): Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
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(850): Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
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(989): you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
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(714): Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
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(202): That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
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(319): I didn’t pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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(770): My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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(708): There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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(901): This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of your girlfriend.
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(865): I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
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(262): Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
(920): I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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(865): I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
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(203): I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
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(716): Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
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(812): Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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(315): It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
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(907): I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
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(304): You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
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(916): He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
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(727): I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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(954): Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
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(713): We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
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(201): The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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(715): its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
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(616): MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
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(989): I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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(603): avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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(302): Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
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(913): Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
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(802): as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
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(614): I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
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(502): I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
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(306): you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
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(706): He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
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(301): Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
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(905): Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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