RACIST TWITTER: Mermaids are WHITE! EVERYONE ELSE: Mermaids aren’t REAL.

Honestly, I was starting to miss this. But, fuck no. Hopefully I’ll bump into you again in a less repugnant echo chamber. I’m not hard to find

WIFE: [exiting shower] 🎶 I want it thaaaat way 🎶 ME: no WIFE: what do you mean “no”? ME: no means NO, lady!

One day Beyoncé made a country album. And what happened then? Well, in Nashville they say - my hat grew ten gallons that day.

This new Trump Bible has me reconsidering my stance on book burning

Have you got Roger Goodell’s cell? My 16 year old has notes.

ATTENTION @JamesGunn No one cares how you make it happen, just make it happen

Today’s high of 73 in February will quickly drop off as winds pick up bringing severe weather and possible tornadoes tonight before the temp falls to a low of 17 with snow by morning. We just call that a Tuesday in the Midwest.

Grok? Groking? What fresh hell have you drug us into now?

WARNING: today’s forecast calls for periods of bitches be trippin

Me after Beyoncé drops her country album in March

Only 7 more months until Swelce Season!

Forgot to take out my hearing aides before putting on my beats 🎧 Now I can hear all the colors in spatial audio.

Not now. Blink-182 is weaponizing nostalgia.

Halloween decorations in August are just as bad as Christmas decorations in October.

What’s a retweet called now? I vote Xerox.

Great. I hate it.

It’s not so much the heat as the humidititties

Sorry kids I missed your childhood I was trying to figure out which app to use to seek validation from strangers