Tom Freeman
@SnoozeInBrief
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Cheap, and worth every penny. If this place goes down, find me as tomfreeman on BlueSky, or in the pub
London
Joined October 2009
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Pinned Tweet
Every year our local swans raise a new brood of cygnets (on the Hornsey stretch of the New River). This year I decided to film the little beauties as they grew up.
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This was only "the biggest IT outage ever" if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
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When I first got into Gü puddings, I didn't fully understand the ramekinifications.
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No idea about the legality of it, but I don't think that "You can't sue me for sexual assault because 12 years ago one of my sex-offender friends paid you to promise that you wouldn't ever sue any of his friends for sexual assault" is a great look
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His Dark Materials, but instead of daemons, everyone has a muppet.
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Jacob Rees-Mogg is explaining that there isn't enough detail in yesterday's Cabinet agreement for him to yet say whether he supports or opposes it. But apparently there was enough detail in "leave the EU" two years ago for the public to make an informed and irrevocable decision.
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Trump was badly let down by his microphone, which kept picking up the actual things he actually said and transmitting them to the public.
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A history lesson for people who think that history doesn't matter:
Why were tweets (and text mesages) first set as 140 characters long? Well, back in Roman times, before paper was invented, people sent messages by writing them on the side of a horse. They soon found that the max
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In his book ‘Simply English’, Simon Heffer recommends cutting redundant words. Well, he’s convinced me.
http://t.co/9hHL0ZX8Nk
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hey girl are you the EU customs union, because I want an ill-defined relationship in which I get the benefits of free access to you while making no contribution and ignoring your requirements and also getting involved with the many other partners I imagine to be queuing up for me
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Petition to require every scientist to pronounce "molecules" and "particles" as if they're heroes of Greek mythology
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So sad to hear about the splits in the European Research Group. Who's going to do all that European research now?
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Oh wow, so there's an email doing the rounds alleging (in quite unnerving detail) that over a period of several years George Osborne starved public services of funding based on a deeply flawed theory of the relationship between government finances and economic growth
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Very excited to tell HMRC that I'm part of a secret pilot scheme to trial not paying any tax.
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Counterpoint: it was a stupid question, in fact it was a drab insult badly disguised as a question, the kind of smug, asinine, lazy crap you get from BBCQT audience members who are cosplaying Jeremy Paxman, and the responses it got were far better than it deserved.
I asked Robert, who asked 'is there nobody better than you two' what he thought of Starmer and Sunak's response: "They didn't answer the Q! How annoying is it, you ask a direct question and they don't answer... you could give them a right good go, it's just so infuriating!"
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If you see Owen Jones out and about, ignore him - and film it.
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Hello. I would like to ruin your day by pointing out that "Strong and stable leadership" fits the tune of "All things bright and beautiful".
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I miss the days when Tory leadership elections were something I'd watch with half-amused anthropological curiosity rather than the horror of the abductee trapped in the back of the van.
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If you replace "stay at home" with "stay alert" then you're pretty much telling people the lockdown's over
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AND THEN I REALISED... THE PERFECT PHONE CALL WAS COMING FROM *INSIDE* THE OVAL OFFICE!
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Sorry to kill the mood, but it's important to bear in mind at this stage that this vaccine was developed by nerds, and if you take it that means you think nerds are cool and you love nerds and you want to be a nerd
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Find your Trump adviser name! It's your name plus the words "has left the White House amid scenes of chaos and bitter recriminations".
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How to tell whether you're a writer:
1) Write something.
2) If it took far too long and you now hate yourself, you're a writer.
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Pundit on Newsnight just said that a lot will come down to the skills of British politicians over the next few days, so now I'm buying canned food
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Did they hit it off straight away or did the ghost have to spend time wooing her
Woman claims she's in sexual relationship with ghost - and they want to have kids
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I get so angry when I see a sign that says “5 items or less” that I actually get my pen out and add the missing apostrophe to “item’s”.
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That's not nearly long enough to assemble them.
Five days to dig out your Sweden stereotypes, everyone.
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Waiting lists, or, as I prefer to call them, patients in training
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This is why Britain is the best country in the world. Well done, Steve.
http://t.co/WMYBsomEhr
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Jeremy Corbyn, who didn’t notice the antisemitism in Holocaust denier Paul Eisen.
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One year ago today, Boris Johnson got his MPs to vote to stop Owen Paterson's suspension from parliament for breaking lobbying rules. Happy anniversary to all who celebrate.
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A pedant walks into a tavern, because of course ‘bar’ means the serving counter rather than the establishment itself.
He drinks alone.
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TRUMP: I am dead inside
PENCE: I am also dead inside
T: We have no rapport
P: This isn't as fun as the Obama-Biden ones
T: I hate humanity
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"Firstly, are you OK? It feels very strange indeed sitting here without Boris."
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*Ahem*
I note Churchill sent his famous 'Brevity Memo' on 9th August 1940. As anyone who works in government (and I suspect elsewhere) knows, it has truly stood the test of time on its 80th anniversary ✓
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"Hello, is that ITV? I'm calling to complain about your political editor."
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Labour: We're such a shambles.
Ukip: Hold my beer.
Labour: *drops beer while taking it*
Ukip: *slips on spilt beer and falls down staircase*
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Remember your vocative commas, people.
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"Over the past five months I have posted a series of false stories to see if they made their way into the press. And you know what, they did!"
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Sunak talks like a Tony Blair simulation running on Ed Miliband's operating system. Truss comes across as a patchy reconstruction of Margaret Thatcher based on fragmentary descriptions of her in a few ancient scrolls translated by Chris Grayling.
#BBCOurNextPM
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It turns out that 'not as bad as Andrea Leadsom, Michael Gove, Stephen Crabb, Liam Fox and Boris Johnson' is still very, very bad.
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People have angrily seized on the views that David Tennant expressed on camera, but now it turns out that he's an actor. The whole thing seems very suspicious and I think there's a lot that we don't know about how this came to happen.
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*looks to camera* Mate, we're being governed by a Tory sitcom
Roseanne's huge ratings show how badly British TV needs a Tory sitcom
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There are 2 possible explanations for Corbyn's terrible poll ratings. It's tricky, they both seem equally plausible.
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I hope you appreciate that joke, it took me over an hour to eat all of those
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Poor Michael Gove. All he wants is to lead a quiet life, but no, members of his secret campaign team keep briefing journalists that he'd be willing to become Prime Minister
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"I, as chancellor, have introduced a major tax change which I am actually opposed to. This means I would be great as prime minister"
📈 Rishi Sunak has tried to distance himself from the looming National Insurance tax hike after calling it the "the Prime Minister's tax".
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Right wing: The BBC is bad
Left wing: The BBC is bad
Public: The BBC is mostly good
BBC: Here are our entrails, please dance upon them
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Here are Liz Truss’s statements on the energy price guarantee in her radio interviews this morning. They are very consistently worded, and very misleading.
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Oh look, the cool kids have decided that now would be a good moment to amuse themselves with
#PredictTheNextCorbynSmear
. OK: I predict that the next Corbyn smear will be somebody accurately quoting something Corbyn has said.
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OK, so you're saying Brexit is like shooting a wounded, unarmed prisoner dead and then pleading diminished responsibility.
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"Our new branding evokes the contemporary relevance of VHS, the commercial success of BHS, and the speedy service of the NHS"
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"A woman who doesn't have children can't really care about the future," I say, as I tell yet another AI to incinerate some trees in order to generate yet another image of Trump and Vance as Jesus and Superman
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This ad was paid for by a man who fantasises about having Diane Abbott shot and says that she makes him want to hate all black women.
Angela Rayner has already pulled Starmer’s strings to get him to let Diane Abbott stand and to surrender to the demands of trade unions.
What will she make him do next?
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I love the word
#meninist
. It cleverly combines the painful brain inflammation of "meningitis" with the doomed zeal of "Leninist".
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This sort of thing has become so normalised that I almost feel as if I should apologise for droning on about it. But no. Every single day that the Labour party tolerates this man as its leader is a fresh disgrace.
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BROADCASTERS! Showing us the counts is important. If you can't show them all, that's OK, but you absolutely need to flash all the results across the screen, with % vote changes. All punditry is secondary to this.
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"These spider crabs were once ordinary crabs, but then they were bitten by radioactive spiders. Now they use their powers to fight sea crime."
#BluePlanet2
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It's a pity we have to use the awkward phrase "human-crocodile hybrid" while the French have the far more elegant "croque-monsieur" and "croque-madame".
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I've made a handy flow chart. It even works for political leaders who we all hate.
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Send your article to editor
@spectator
.co.uk and Fraser is contractually required to publish it, because that's the Spectator way.
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🎶 Pussies in bios and randoms in mentions
NFT ads and cerebral pretensions
Sinister theories of global elites
These are a few of my favourite tweets
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Hi Americans - here is a guide to the UK election:
We're all drunk.
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Well, I mean it's definitely possible, she might just double-fault on the first point, before she'd had a chance to realise that she could consistently ace me by gently tapping the ball right into the middle of my side of the court while sitting in a nice comfy chair
One in eight men (12%) say they could win a point in a game of tennis against 23 time grand slam winner Serena Williams
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If the sky is clear tonight and you have a good telescope, you may be able to make out a Ukrainian farmer towing the wreckage away
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Get you an international space station who can do both
(pics by the fantastic
@AJamesMcCarthy
, )
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The "millennium bug" is a cognitive disorder that has afflicted many of the commentariat since January 2000, causing them to mistake a danger successfully averted for an empty scare story that never merited any precautionary action.
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*Humphrey Lyttelton voice*
Samantha's off visiting her gentleman friend to give him some technology lessons. She's shown him how to mount the server and insert his dongle, but now he can't find the hotspot, and he needs help with his trouble shooting.
Arcuri now denies affair with Boris, saying that the London mayor only visited her flat in the daytime for “technology lessons”
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It would be a shame if hysterical, attention-seeking, bogus complaints like these mean that genuine male journalists are not taken seriously
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It's great that 17% of people have found a way to be happy.
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No Conservative majority is better than a bad Conservative majority.
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241 years ago, America finally won the right to scare pets on a date other than the 5th of November.
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It's sad that 17-year-olds will no longer have the opportunity to produce the very worst piece of prose of their entire lives
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🎶 CLINTON: Now I've had the time of my life...
TRUMP: No I never sing duets at all. This is not a duet. Wrong. Wrong.
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5yo niece has announced, on opening the first of numerous requested vet-themed presents, that she no longer wants to be a vet
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Tim Farron's Lib Dems got more votes in June (2.37m) than Gladstone's Liberals did in their landslide of 1868 (1.43m).
Liam Fox points out (accurately) that Tories got more votes in June than under the heyday of Margaret Thatcher.
#Conservativeconference
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If we project this result across the whole country, then Labour will lose every seat in which they disown their candidate and cease campaigning
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Say what you like about Jeremy Corbyn, but at least he doesn’t torture you with occasional glimmers of hope the way Ed Miliband did.
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Typical Post Office, always losing letters
Former Post Office boss Paula Vennells to hand back her CBE with immediate effect after fallout from IT scandal
Follow live
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As I understand it, the Labour leadership's position on Brexit is now:
• against May's plan
• against no-deal
• against stopping Brexit
• against a referendum
• in favour of the Tories suddenly deciding to give Jeremy the keys to their unicorn-breeding facility
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Right, time to go back to work! *slumps slightly lower in chair, opens different window on laptop*
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Ellen L Ripley
Picks up the gun
From the floor where an alien’s been
Hunting the queen
Waits by the airlock
Wearing the mechsuit she keeps in its cargo bay place
Nuke it from space
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If you earn £200k, the 50p rate would cut your take-home pay from £116,688 to £114,188.
OK, I'd be miffed too. But I reckon I'd get over it.
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Finally got round to leaving the Labour party. Feels odd to be politically homeless. Although it's felt pretty damn odd these last 2 years.
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Aslan didn't join the ice queen's government, agree to her plan for perpetual winter, realise only months later that the plan was a plan for perpetual winter, and resign in protest only to produce an alternative plan that amounted to writing "it's summertime!" in the snow.
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