Sewe Saldanha
@SeweS_
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20,626
Following
757
Media
12,791
Statuses
287,509
I keep pet mountain lions and snow leopards! I eat bamboo shoots and cassava fortified with cyanide for supper! I swim 30 nautical miles each morning to work!
Mombasa, Kenya
Joined March 2009
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어린이날
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蜜璃ちゃん
• 10065 Tweets
Pesalink is cheaper than MPesa
Debit card is cheaper than MPesa
Credit card is cheaper than MPesa
MPesa is expensive.
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The person who wrote this scene should be subjected to a mental aptitude test. This is madness... 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂
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Ngai. Kenyans! I'm learning today of this trick where they pick very expensive loans from banks, then proceed to take similar amount from SACCOs to repay the bank within grace period (hence no interest), then settle to pay the Sacco polepole.
Nani kama nyinyi Kenyans. Wueh.
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Guys, if you have a roof over your head, a steady source of income, functional health, and networks of friends (not drinking buddies), be grateful.
People are suffering out here.
Kenya is a very unforgiving country where hope is very expensive.
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Bwana OCS.... Nobody is coming to his aid. Even his "koliks"
Woi.
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Dear Kenyans, if you can, migrate. Go give yourself a piece of mind. Go to that country that will appreciate your humanity. Go to that country that will give your children a better chance in a good life. Kenya is not worth it.
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Kilifi town's Bofa neighbourhood is not real. I mean that place is not Kenya.
Forget Muthaiga or Runda or Vipingo, Kilifi's Bofa is the hallmark of .ke's ostentatiousness
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Please give my neighbor a 1000 RTs and a 1000 likes.
She just finished her radio & chemotherapy!
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This lass from Cameroon is really impressed with Nairobi. In a space of 22 minutes, she's asked if Kenya is Africa. Everything is just "ooooh", "a aaaaaah", "your roads, are, GODD", "WAU".....
Honest question, kwani how bad are things out there? Like honestly.
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Guys, that Ksm-Nbi train service is not designed for you. It is designed for citizens of Western Kenya who always have to endure with Matatu madness, ridiculous and unpredictable tix prices, and unsafe roads. You keep to your airplanes, and road shuttles, please.
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The UN is moving all its Africa-related activities to Nairobi.
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If you are a Kenyan entrepreneur, try as much as possible to invest in quality accountants and lawyers who can help you do as much as possible to avoid taxes.
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ElNino warnings all over the place, but guess who will act surprised once it lands on our shores?
GoK!
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That document Yattani is reading at National Assembly is the greatest piece of fiction ever written since Shakespeare.
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Aki you guys have no idea how important that new malaria vaccine is. Especially to kids.
Anecdotally, infant mortality from malaria is significantly falling in the Lake region where it is being trialled.
Long live science.
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Kes 1000 today is worth 700 of 2017's Kes.
Inflation is that thief that silently drains your wallet!
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We have a John Michuki Memorial Park.
Not Prof., Wangari Maathai Park. But John Michuki Park.
Right.
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We keep bashing KRA here but the truth is that KRA is restricted to do what parliament tells it to do.
Everything relating to taxes in Kenya is defined and written by Parliament. Food prices high, ask your mbunge. Electricity high, stone your MP. Fuel cost, talk to your MPig.
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Dear Kenyans, have y'all seen the
@BBC
video on the corrupt ways of acquiring DL from
@ntsa_kenya
?
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The guys who designed CBC send their kids to IGCSE and IB schools.
So much for public education in Kenya.
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Netflix hosts its library in Amazon's servers. LG and Apple buy display panels from Samsung. Samsung and Apple buy their camera sensors from Sony. Tesla bought it's first factory from Toyota. 99% of PC users use IE to download Chrome
You can buy Airtel credit from Safaricom!!
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I'm starting to form this opinion that this guy and his mode of delivery could be the best and most effective civic educator Kenya has today. Keep up the good work Njuguna, and I hope and pray that God use you to bring the change this country needs. Kudos bro. Barikiwa sana.
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Less than six years ago, HTC devices were symbols of prestige, forte of cool kids of Nairobi.
Today, HTC no longer makes smartphones.
Life!
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Is it just me or has anybody else noticed that people who love preaching entrepreneurship and self employment to Kenyan youths are old people who have spent all their working lives (or are still) in permanent and pensionable public sector jobs?
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By the way, someone please, tell our city administrators that cities are made "better" for it's residents, not tourists. Please.
Tuwache huu ushamba wa kila kitu ni "to attract tourists". Make them livable to residents, the tourists will come.
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Dear Nairobians, if you planning to visit Coast (Diani/Ukunda, Mombasa, Kilifi, Watamu, Malindi, Voi, Taveta, Lamu) during the upcoming long weekend, just be aware the Monsoons are here. It is forecast to rain from tomorrow till Monday, all day. Every day.
Karibuni.
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In 2011, a group of university students nearly brought their country to its knees with protests against a govt that was a living legacy of an (in)famous dictator who had led the country since years before.
Yesterday, the student leader who led the strikes became a president
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It's discouraging to keep reading positive news about my country from foreigners while our own media houses keep insisting on feeding us trash about Ruto, BBI, Muigai's nonsense etc.
How hard is it for our media houses to lead these stories na waweke BBI huko pag 42?
This Kenyan company uses condensation to harvest drinking water from the air
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Being broke and unemployed will truly humble you.
Mark those who stubbornly stick by your side during this phase of your life. They are your real family
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The next badly needed financial innovation is a platform to sell/liquidate one's SACCO shares. In public.
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Dear
@dailynation
this is it. This is how it's done. This is how we celebrate our heroes. Sio kutujazia gazeti na vitimbi za wanasiasa.
I'm buying this after a zillion years hiatus, to celebrate Eliud. And as a keepsake, for future generations.
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My village mate, a KDF pilot, sent me this. Waja nijiskie pia mimi kidogo.
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I truly envy Tanzanians, they are so unAfrican: no ethnic/religious politics, no talk about foreskins, no "us versus others". Just! Tanzania
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“Swahili was born in Zanzibar, grew up in Tanzania, fell sick in Kenya, died in Uganda and was buried in Congo.” Now, according to some speakers, it has been stolen in California.
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In this economy, people still fundraise for harusi?
Kwani ni lazima? Sii muende tu kwa AG kama hakuna pesa. Or better still, ruracio then return the affidavit to the registrar of marriages na story kwisha.
Wakenya hebu tukuwe serious kidogo.
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Ukiwa na pesa, Kenya is a very beautiful country, inhabited by friendly people, verdant cool valleys, electrifying road trips, and enthralling sunsets
Ukiwa broke, that is when you'll know the damage caused by tugeges; corruption, institutionalised mediocrity, and crime
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Some odiero is shocked that more than 80% of Kenyan homesteads have electricity........
Dude really came here believing we inhabit rondavels.
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Budget ya ku repair the road under/along the Nairobi Expressway is missing in the document Yattani read.
It's been missing in the last three preceding documents.
Do whatever you want with this info
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Has anybody else noticed the sudden high number of content creators flocking to Kenya/Nairobi and making contents about the nation/city on YouTube/IG/Tiktok???
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If Uganda, Kenya, Rwanda, Tanzania, Ethiopia, and Mauritius allowed free movement of labour, capital, and goods amongst each other, they'd make the biggest economy in Africa.
But here we are with our stupid interborder pettiness.
And you wonder why Africa remains poor.
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Dear
@ntvkenya
your graphic designer, yes him/her. Please muongezeeni salary. Please. The puns in these chyrons.... 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂
CC
@KattiePearl
@BabaKayai
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So, 19 Ukrainian special forces just walked into Kabul, picked some 360 souls from different locations across the city, and evacuated them across to Islamabad. A stunt that shocked and surprised everyone, including the Afghani evacuees who had given up after NATO forces failed to
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I was today's years old when I learnt that Tanzania doesn't have an official Swahili version of their constitution. They just have a translated version.
The Constitution of Kenya 2010 has an official Swahili version.
NOT translated one.
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Wangwana, sio kwa ubaya.
But for a city with prestige and a storied past, why is Nyeri such a boring colorless town like this?
What's up?
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So KRA has seen its SGR income drop after increasing fares.
What a surprise!?
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Guys, some good news. The world's first vaccine against malaria has been approved.
The best thing invented since invention of sliced bread.
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Yani, Kisumu, you wake up to the thermometer reading 18°, then it hits 31° by 1pm, then drop to 21° by 4pm, followed by dramatic thunderstorm and very "angry" rain. Humidity nayo: from 32% to 96% and back to 40%.
The weather in this town is as dramatic as the people
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I don't know why Kenyans believe that Police is the most corrupt section of our country. Have you guys ever heard of MoH and its line agencies? KEMSA is in the news again.
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Ichaweri Creameries products on average tend to be 23% cheaper than KCC's.
With current cost of living, I'm sorely tempted to break the long standing embargo I've had against them and start consuming their products. They are winning the war....
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Good morning Kenyans. To the eternally and incorrigibly geographically challenged Nairobians, these are the counties of the country. Familiarise thyselves. Muaje aibu ndogondogo of calling Lamu, Mombasa. Sawa?
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Guys, guys, GUYS!
Check your facts.
PanAm used to serve Nairobi direct.
This IS NOT the first NBO-NYC direct flight
This is just KQ's maiden flight, but NOT the first NBO-NYC flight
BREAKING NEWS: President Uhuru flags off the
#KQNBONYC
flight from JKIA amid fanfare.
This will go down in history as the maiden flight from Nairobi to New York. Safe journey KQOO2 ✈️
@KenyaAirways
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@TimKipchumba
Only thing I picked from the replies to this tweet, is this: unless you have a giant safety net, as a Kenyan, wherever you can, avoid mistakes at all cost. Only take risks where and when you can underwrite them.
"Don't be afraid to make mistakes" is a giant deadly myth.
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I like how guys always go ham on
@bonifacemwangi
here, everyday.
Yet when guys are in trouble, they run to him.
And he always puts himself at risks, everytime you guys approach him for his help, to help you folks.
What's the real issue you folks have against him?
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Kenya has an installed internet capacity of 10.9 Tbps but only uses 3.4 Tbps.
So why is it so dang expensive?
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@JKNjenga
Was once a member of a wedding committee.
Budget was 2.8M
Couples contribution = 2.8M.
Committee's ToR was one = just handle the hassle and drama of preparation.
Best wedding committee ever
APRIL:
I was part of a wedding committee of a much-younger colleague.
- Total budget was 3.5M.
- The budget had an item called "Honeymoon in Dubai: 650K" and another one called "Hiring Limousine: 45K".
- The couple contributed 35K.
- One week to the wedding, they had raised 95K.
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Gooooooooooood morning Nairobians. How is your city this Sunday morning?
(Speshooo shoutou to
@terrikibiriti
)
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If Twitter had existed during apartheid days, Nelson Mandela would've been treated with such hatred across the world, and called a terrorist.
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Kericho Gold has the best line of black tea out here.
I'll fight whoever thinks otherwise.
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It's interesting to note that the only biblical instructions to wives is to simply respect their husbands while list of instructions for husbands is waaaaaaay longer.
That is something you wouldn't know listening to many who officiate weddings/counsel marriages
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Imagine
@bonifacemwangi
winning the presidency with 75% of total votes cast. And upto 70% of seats in bunge being filled with Ukweli Party legislators.
It has happened. In Chile. A country that was ruled a dictator 3X worse than Moi.
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There is an organisation out there that is working with Kenyan prisoners to allow them earn their degrees.
Guys are acquiring LLBs and LLMs from top UK colleges while in Kamiti, Shimo, Langata, etc
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I'm here to inform y'all folks that
@CAK_Kenya
does work.
I bought a TV from
@JumiaKenya
way back in 2019 that turned out to be fake. They refused to refund me even after returning the product. They only refunded me three years later when I involved CAK.
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In Feb, Kes 3,500 gave me 210 kWh.
Today, same gives 140 kWh.
You guys are right, we should vote for Ruto next year.
It will be fun.
Trust me.
It will.
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Dear Africa, is it a race thing or what? Why is modern statecraft so difficult for you?
Look at how in the last 20 years, rest of the world got wealthier, and lifted largest number of humans from poverty, while you, you've regressed spectacularly.
What is wrong with you Africa?
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South Africa is being punished for diligently investigating and monitoring emergence of new strains, and freely reporting them.
I now understand why China is always economical with the truth when it comes epidemics.
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In Japan, there is a company called Mitsubishi Group.
It manufactures military hardware, aerospace products, builds ships, runs an investment and retail bank, is one of the largest real estate developer in Japan, produces alimunium and petrochemicals
Oh, BTW, it also makes cars
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@alvsoyjose
@JustJordan_10
@kkevinhdz
@HeyAbbyHeyy
@ajplus
Loved the white granny who shouted "you need to leave"... I'm here for her
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As who? Kwani Raila is what?
Badi gives Raila update on Nairobi Metropolitan Services
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Man, if how Kenyans (on an individual basis) always manage to wake up, get things done, take care of their loved ones, and go to bed while still sane; in a very dysfunctional system that persistently seeks to injure, destroy, or kill you: is not a miracle, then what is it?
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There was a time a 128mb flash disk was worth 2K, Carol Mutoko was in CapitalFm, you paid 10K to get land line to your home, KQ operated Saab 3000, Avenue Park II was a leafy suburb, and Nakuru was the cleanest city in East and Central Africa.
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There is something about Kenyan Somalis and restaurant business.
Bahnaa eee, wamebarikiwa. Dah!
If you go to any Kenyan town, and you are hungry, look for the nearest Somali-owned diner. Quality and quantity ni zao.
(Also, Somali gherls rock. Can hear an amen!)
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"Only the disciplined ones in life are free. If you are undisciplined, you are a slave to your moods and your passions" -
@EliudKipchoge
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Looks like WRC is not coming back again, ever!
Thanks to Nairobians and their patented uncouthness.
We Kenyans have a special brand of idiocy that is peerless.
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So, gastrointestinal infections came from the Indus Valley; STIs came from Europe, malaria came from Mediterranean world, respiratory infections came from East Asia, yet for some strange reasons, it is Africa that is considered the "diseases continent".
Huh!
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Guys please, tell your dinosaur bosses and IT departments to stop using Zoom. There are better and safer options out there.
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For the first time in eight years, I've consumed a Brookside Diary product.
I can actively feel a part of my conscience being strangled.
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@DianaWaithanji
Even in Kenya, the practice of Monday being a holiday because of a holiday falling on a Sunday is new and started during Kibaki era. Also, Christmas is not a holiday in Saudi Arabia and Iran.
Interestingly in Germany, if a holiday occurs on Sunday, Monday is not a public holiday. Also, Eid is not a public holiday.
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Dear Nairobians don't carry the virus to your old folks back at the village, please.
You will survive it, they will not.
#COVID19Kenya
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Dear Nairobians, note the following:
Rice in the paddy = mpunga
Plain cooked rice = wali
Rice cooked with meat = pilau
Rice with any meat curry = biryani (and mandi)
Mchele is just a generic name for rice. There is nothing like "mchele wa biryani"
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@paulakahumbu
Hi daktari, the same Moi wanted to grab Karura, Uhuru Park, Mombasa's Uhuru Gardens; he grabbed sections of the Mau Complex, excised parts of Arabuko/Sokoke/Mida/Gede complex, Cherangany forests....
He is not worth any praise
Soma Ndung'u report
RIP President Moi. We didn’t agree on many things but he did support conservation, created many new parks, started our tree planting culture & ignited passion for burning iviry. May he RIP. Condolences to his family.
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Urm guys, neither the Muranga Hugh Hefner nor the Ichaweris have leased any plane to KQ.
KQ owns 19 jets and has leased 17 from GECAS or Nordic Aviation.
Punguzeni rumours bana.
More fleet details za KQ.
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Soooo Nairobians, imesemekana that
1. Mupande cabs
2. WFH, including watu mjengo na Mama Ntilie
3. Leave work at 3pm
4. Mukipata roadblocks, mupite tu. Muko wengi, cops will run out of bullets.
(What else did I miss? Ongezeni hapo chini)
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