Seville Calculator
@SevilleCalculat
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A look at life in an entirely fictitious football league based somewhere in Cloud Cuckoo Land. All viewed through the eyes of the Seville Calculator.
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Joined November 2012
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Scotland is “largely republican” and “we are generally not royalists”.
Meanwhile, in actual Scotland:
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BREAKING: Boli Bolingoli confirmed as Celtic’s player of the year after going further in Europe than the rest of his team mates put together.
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BREAKING: Nicola Sturgeon has tested positive for double standards and shameless hypocrisy.
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Disappointment for the Liverpool fans who had hoped to wrap up the league in the more traditional manner of retrieving Dundee’s email from the spam folder.
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Celtic’s best player trudges off, disappointed at the result despite giving his all.
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BREAKING: Nicola Sturgeon has tested positive for double standards and shameless hypocrisy.
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Rangers fans walk 15 minutes to George Square - bad
Scotland fans travel 500 miles to London - OK
Fake video of Rangers players singing - outrage
Genuine video of Scotland fans singing anti English songs - silence
🤔
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Nicola Sturgeon claiming she doesn’t know what “stay alert” means. As a woman who has previously been in the company of Alex Salmond, that seems very hard to believe.
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Thoughts with the people of Leith as they’ve apparently been forced into another lockdown.
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“Still, at least you’ve got disco lights though, eh?”
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My memory might be bit hazy but I don’t recall Celtic wanting to “open dialogue with the SFA” about any of these incidents. 🤔
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To be fair it’s understandable that Celtic fans could be easily duped by a fake video - they previously saw footage of Shane Duffy and believed he was a footballer.
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BREAKING: Celtic ask for their match at St Mirren to be postponed.
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Rangers: “Can we have a fan zone and fans inside the stadium?”
Scot govt: “No - Covid case rates at 52 per 100,000 are far too high”
UEFA: “Can we have a fan zone and fans inside the stadium?”
Scot govt: “Sure, why not. Covid case rates are only 147 per 100,000”
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BREAKING: It’s now safe for fans to attend football matches again and the SPFL can resume.
In completely unrelated news, Celtic’s injury crisis has abated and they’ve signed a few new players.
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Live images from the Hyde Park clear up operation.
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Celtic fans: “Alfredo Morelos attracts abuse because of the type of person he is, not because he’s black”
Also Celtic fans: “Neil Lennon attracts abuse because he’s an Irish Catholic, not because of the type of person he is”
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“Scottish football deserves a disciplinary process which is fair, consistent and fit for purpose.”
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What’s red and white and goes “beeeep……beeeep…..beeeep”?
The Aberdeen bus reversing back into the shed.
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Celtic 2 Dundee Utd 1 - Dundee Utd denied a clear penalty
Celtic 1 Hearts 0 - Celtic offside goal allowed to stand
Celtic 1 Motherwell 0 - Celtic score from free kick wrongly awarded, Motherwell denied a clear penalty
Please do tell us more about this conspiracy. 🤔
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Celtic fans at half time - “We need referees like this in Scotland”
Celtic fans at full time - “Which lodge is he a member of?”
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“It’ll probably depend if the compliance officer turns up for work”
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BREAKING: Seville Calculator to make triumphant return home.*
*No calculator will be required this time.
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Another chance to enter Radio Clyde‘s “Spot the Difference” competition.
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BREAKING: Kilmarnock confirm that Rangers fans will have a zero allocation at Rugby Park next season.
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“Vile chants”? Wonder what Rudi Skácel’s take on that would be....🤔
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“Relive that special moment when Dundee’s email ended up in the spam folder”
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Humza Yousaf and James Dornan whenever the wrong kind of hate crime surfaces:
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Humza Yousaf and James Dornan whenever the wrong kind of sectarianism surfaces:
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Big result for Rangers with key players Allan McGregor, James Tavernier and Shane Duffy all missing.
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“There I was minding my own business when all of a sudden I stumbled onto the stage, accidentally grabbed hold of a microphone, inadvertently led the chorus and somehow found myself fist pumping right at the very moment the naughty words were sung.”
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“This achievement will never be matched”
The offside League Cup, the Dundee email League and the Covid Cup won on penalties.
To be fair, it probably won’t ever be matched.
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Borna Barišić blesses himself - and If you look closely enough you can see the Rangers fans not giving a single fuck.
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Confusion at Radio Clyde as Celtic fans call in to talk about Celtic.
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Ally McCoist has apologised after comparing the SPFL to Cartoon Network.
“We accept Mr McCoist’s apology in full” confirmed a spokesman for Cartoon Network.
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James Dornan: “Show me evidence of Celtic fans behaving in a similarly anti social manner and I’ll condemn that too”
*evidence provided*
James Dornan:
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Celtic fans: “Shay Logan attracts abuse because of the type of person he is, not because he’s black”
Also Celtic fans: “Neil Lennon attracts abuse because he’s an Irish Catholic, not because of the type of person he is”
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Yellow card for Morelos
Penalty against Morelos
Not a goal for Morelos
No penalty and a yellow card for Morelos
Easy to see why he’s considered “controversial”. 🤔
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When you can remember a footballer who never played for your club but you can’t honour the memory of the millions who made the ultimate sacrifice in 2 World Wars.
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Rangers: “Things took a turn for the worse after our trip to Dubai last season”
Celtic: “Hold all our collective beers”
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Things that always get talked about when Rangers beat Celtic:
1. Referees
2. Songs
Things that never get talked about when Celtic beat Rangers:
1. Referees
2. Songs
🤔
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Neil Lennon delighted that Celtic kept a clean sheet today. Apart from the 2 goals they conceded.
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Throwback to when shirt pulling was both a penalty offence and not a penalty offence in the same game.
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Alan Power - no action
Paul McGinn - no action
Jozo Simunovic - no action
Scott Brown - no action
Oliver Burke - no action
Allan McGregor - banned
Alfredo Morelos - banned
Almost as if there’s some sort of pattern to it all.🤔
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Celtic struggling in Norway without star men Kevin Clancy and Bobby Madden.
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BREAKING: France confirms cancellation of football season.*
*Subject to confirmation of Dundee’s email vote.
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BREAKING: Ross County v Celtic in danger of not finishing in time before new Covid restrictions take effect.
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Strange that RB Leipzig have gone from being “an easy draw” to “top quality German opposition” in the space of only a few months. 🤔
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Great finish from whoever nutmegged Scott Brown.
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BREAKING: AEK Athens may have fielded ineligible player - Celtic looking to have result overturned.
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James McFadden: “definite penalty from Morelos hand ball”
Also James McFadden: “definitely not a penalty from Ross Graham handball”
"It's harsh, but it's a penalty."
Sportscene pundits Richard Foster and James McFadden agree Rangers' Alfredo Morelos was right to be penalised for handball against Aberdeen in Tuesday's 1-1 draw at Pittodrie.
➡️
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Celtic could well be the first team in the world to set a stadium attendance record during a pandemic.
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Ibrox, judging by the scoreline.
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“VAR will benefit the smaller clubs because Rangers tend to get all the big decisions” 🤔
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Referee confirms there would have been another 10 minutes injury time in Paisley but half of the St Mirren team were already still up well past their bed time.
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As he seems to have disappeared without any trace, let’s just all take a moment to remember Shane Duffy’s outstanding contribution to “the 10”.
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Brief summary of previous incidents that didn’t warrant any retrospective action.
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Luckily Ryan Porteous isn’t Colombian otherwise he’d have some serious questions to answer about his volatile temperament.
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Sure, Alfredo Morelos might be scoring last minute winners for the Colombian national team, but could he do it for the French under 21’s? 🤔
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Quiz time: Only one of these shirt tugs was deemed a penalty - but can you guess which one?
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Peter Lawwell confirms the official attendance at tonight’s Celtic V Dundee game is 59,000.
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Disappointment for Zvezda as they fall one PSG goal short of a brave performance.
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Credit to the Aberdeen players for taking social distancing so seriously by going nowhere near Allan McGregor for the full 90 minutes.
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So it turns out that home wins against newly promoted Dundee and 10 man St Mirren doesn’t, in fact, make you world beaters. 🤔
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BREAKING: Ecuador may have fielded an ineligible player in World Cup qualifier. Celtic looking to be reinstated.
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A history of John Beaton decisions:
1. Yellow card Morelos for allowing himself to be throttled.
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Understandable that Hibs might cut the away ticket allocation for Rangers’ visit - they have to look after their own fans who turn up every week to pack out the stadium.
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Somewhere in the corner of a dark room Michael Stewart is watching a frame by frame replay of the Considine sending off, looking for the angle that confirms it should actually have been a red card for Alfredo Morelos.
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Spoiler alert -Eddie Howe won’t be Celtic manager.
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Wonder if we’ll get a breakdown of the clean up costs? 🤔
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Strange that those who were only too willing to take a Tik Tok video by “Wullie Wanker” at face value are suddenly now adopting an “innocent until proven guilty” stance. 🤔
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Nothing of any interest to the compliance officer here presumably.
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“At least three major decisions gone against Celtic”
Pretty easy game to play, this one.
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Aberdeen players continuing to enjoy their extended break before their next game on 17th December.
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Confusion at Radio Clyde as Celtic fans call in to talk about Celtic.
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Hearts reserves down to 9 men. Celtic end the game with all 12 players on the pitch.
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As Rangers cut Celtic’s future Ibrox allocation to accommodate more season ticket holders, Celtic respond by cutting Rangers future Parkhead allocation to accommodate more big banners.
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“Relive that special moment when Dundee’s email was retrieved from the spam folder”
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Fake footage of Rangers players singing a song - outrage.
Genuine footage of an on loan Celtic player endangering supporters at a match - silence.
Pretty clear where the priorities of certain politicians lie.
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Riddle me this
Riddle me that
Who’s just made themselves
Look like a twat
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Bit of an inconvenient kick off time for Rapid Vienna fans. How will they get back home now with no trains running between Scotland and Austria on a Thursday night. 🤷🏻♂️🤔
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