"Show me what that mouth do?" *takes a deep breath* I am the very model of a modern major general I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical From marathon to Waterloo in order categorical...

Hoping quite a few of you are visited by 3 spirits tonight and become less wankery by tomorrow! Merry Christmas!

First ever year where I ate the whisky and mince pie we left out for Santa. I've never felt like more of a fraud!

If the people you love don't ruin Christmas for you, is it even really Christmas?

Karen marching into The Church of Nativity: I'd like to speak to your manger!

Bought some alphabet soup and if you think AC screws your messages up, you should see this shit

whilst we're talking about positive community projects. This is our new cabin being built on the campsite by the Crosscut Coop, an all women building, carpentry and woodworking collective based in Scotland. https://t.co/UZOsZZvlNo #isleofrum #communityempowerment #womanpower

Overheard a university student say “Arctic Monkeys were my dad’s favourite band when I was little.” The passage of time is relentless, unfathomable, cruel, and unforgiving.

I was dishonorably discharged from Old Navy

Dude on tiktok said something about the 'red room, you know what I'm talking about' & I was very confident I did. Except I was thinking about the Redrum murder room from The Shining and I actually still don't know what he was talking about.

There is only one beauty secret that works on feet, and that is to cover them up. I'm wearing seven pairs of socks right now.

My girlfriend went out of town so I’m using the time to watch tv shows she doesn’t like at a slightly louder than normal volume. This is the 36-year-old equivalent of throwing an epic party when your parents leave.

Solidarity implies the existence of liquidarity and gasidarity

You know it's bad when you see Mrs rabbit isn't driving the fire engine and immediately think, "I bet they have to call out the helicopter". I may watch too much Peppa Pig.

ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGED, COMPLETELY INFURIATED, POSITIVELY DISPLEASED 😡🦇

'Entangled particles don't know what state they're in until observed & measured' I have never felt more connected to the universe because same my entangled bitch, very same.

Indulged my chronic loathing of my neighbours by giving away light up whistles as well as sweeties. 'All of you can get fucked' absolute bargain at £12.99

Having been left to my own devices for the evening I am struggling with the fact that my crackers are too loud. I cannot simultaneously enjoy my cheese & biscuits and my audiobook. Genuinely a very effective punishment. A++ quite distressing. Good job Satan

Has everyone had their letter? I'm the Prime Minister for November. I'm taking all the towels home with me so you should pack a couple.

I'm watching a woman wax turnips on TikTok at 4:30am because my dog woke me to lift her onto the bed after forgetting her chew. Weirdly, my mental health sort of quantum leaped back to ok. I feel like this is the depression equivalent of having to do ever kinkier shit to get off