.:RiotGrlErin:.
@RiotGrlErin
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• goth daria vibes • fear does not exist in this bio • muppet enthusiast • reba/dolly 2024 • subscribe •
Georgia, USA
Joined January 2009
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my uterine lining is falling out of my body but yes, sir, how may I help you.
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all of us frantically scrolling to find that good tweet we saw right before the tl refreshed
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girl is manhandling the men in her replies
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one time a therapist told me not to think those thoughts anymore and i was like you’re super bad at this.
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one time i went on a date to the bowling alley and i was just throwing strike after strike and the dude is like you’re really good at this. i said i know i took a bowling class in college. he was like seriously and you didn’t think it was important to tell me that and
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me: i deserve a treat
bank account: for the love of god pls stop
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eating your lunch in your car at work is the adult version of the high school bathroom stall.
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i think beyonce might get her fashion inspiration from betty white: thread
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one time my grandmother sent a birthday card to my old address in college and the guy living there at the time tracked me down on facebook bc he thought i’d want it. i dropped by, we had a drink and that’s how my grandmother unintentionally got me laid.
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all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
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i was like no not really and he said he didn’t want to start a relationship built on lies and i was like touché my man bc you forgot to fill me in on the fact that you’re absolutely insane and we never spoke again after that night. bet he’s happily married rn unlike my lying ass.
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i don’t answer random phone numbers, i google them like a true introvert would.
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you telling me that’s not jojo siwa
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therapist: what’s up
me: unfortunately not my serotonin levels
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: pls tell me you know ratatouille isn’t the name of the rat
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[receives text msg]
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: your antidepressants are ready for pickup
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them: you’re so lucky to not have kids
me: that’s not luck it is on purpose
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pavlov: my hair is so dry
dog: should have conditioned it
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hello sharks. i just need $420 mil to start an edibles food truck called the cannabus.
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attention span so short it takes me 7 days to finish a 2 hour movie.
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date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
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Everyone is so blowed about me taking a bowling class in college. I mean I’m old but a quick google search says many colleges still offer them. Better yourselves.
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: why don’t we use the bermuda triangle as a landfill
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: why would a bull even be in a china shop to begin with
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i feel my ugliest when i’m wearing the cape with wet hair at the salon.
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i don’t think it’s much to ask for a 6 foot nerd to just love me unconditionally.
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what could monday possibly mean to a cat with no job and endless lasagna.
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sorry i made the mistake of wearing a band t-shirt without knowing their entire discography.
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stop calling them boneless wings ok they are chicken nuggets.
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: there was a dog in your dating profile pic why are they not here
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christian bale: i am batman
christian braille: ⠊ ⠁⠍ ⠃⠁⠞⠍⠁⠝
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will i understand wwiii if i didn’t see the first two.
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i have the opposite of fomo like leave me out of all of your plans please.
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i don’t think men realize that they stick a yawning alligator inside you at the gyno.
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: i bet aliens think earth is the insane asylum of outer space
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if adele set fire to the rain in the 1600’s she’d be on trial for being a witch.
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This is my first holiday season with my dog and idk if she’s ever watched Christmas movies so we’ve started a marathon of the classics.
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my favorite thing about not having children is everything.
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i think about how amelia bedelia would do bottomless mimosas more than i care to admit.
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A Kim Kardashian Thread because I’m sleep deprived and lol ᴵ’ᵐ ˢᵒ ˢᵒʳʳʸ.
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i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
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I could never murder anyone. The dog hair on my clothes would be left at the scene, they’d dna test my dog and my goose is cooked.
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Get you a friend that calls you to make sure you know that the Ted Bundy Tapes are out on Netflix.
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it took bruce willis 130 minutes to realize he was a ghost and you expect men to notice a haircut.
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men: i like my women confident
woman: i look amazing right now
men: whoa, little lady, pump the brakes
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*phone vibrates*
me: i hope that’s my crush
walmart: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics yesterday
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me: i need a treat
bank account: bring me back something
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: may i have your pickle
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me: yay it’s opening day
men: name the 5th home run ever recorded in 1912 if you love baseball so much
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While you’re here, I have a really cute dog if you want to buy her some things.
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getting older is great but i’d love to be as fat as i thought i was in high school again.
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the first karen was that princess that could feel a pea under twenty mattresses.
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i’ve killed every plant i’ve ever owned but sure I’ll babysit your kids for the weekend.
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i remember a time when concert tickets didn’t require a bank loan.
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i’m “tell your boyfriend if he says he got beef, that I’m vegetarian and I ain’t fucking scared of him” years old.
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barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
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The only answer is Dolly Parton.
If you were forced to choose a living human to be the dictator of the world, who would you choose and why?
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who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
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why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
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crockpots are just witches cauldrons that you can plug in.
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bet the lobsters on the titanic were happy that shit sunk.
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influencer: listen to your body
body: i want buffalo chicken dip
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we’re a species that burns their mouths repeatedly on hot pockets how are we not extinct.
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i don’t invite anyone over bc that’s just what a vampire would want me to do.
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for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
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Feels like America is trying to uninstall Trump but we’re stuck at like 92%.
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technically jack died in the atlantic not on the titanic.
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you can see a solar eclipse everyday if you just close your eyes, stupid.
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