Rex Huppke
@RexHuppke
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(VERY SERIOUS) @USATODAY humor(ish) columnist. Hypocrisy enthusiast. WOKE MOB, CO-FOUNDER. ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE (2017 to present).
Chicago
Joined February 2009
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Pinned Tweet
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar's birth certificate.
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SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU EXPLAIN WHY CLIMATE CHANGE IS A HOAX OVER THE SOUND OF THIS HURRICANE EXCEEDING THE HIGHEST CATEGORY RANKING!!!
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Lindsey Graham began explaining his federal abortion ban legislation by saying: "I picked 15 weeks…"
Watching a man say "I picked" as it relates to legislation controlling women's reproductive rights was about the most on-brand Republican move I've seen
Vote, folks.
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I’ll say this again, the most damning indictment against Judge Amy Coney Barrett right now is that she’s willing to be put on the Supreme Court under these circumstances. It raises enormous questions about her character, ethics and judgment.
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I’m sorry, but the only sensible Super Bowl halftime show is Taylor Swift singing while Jason Kelce dances shirtless.
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Maybe if they hadn’t said “Let’s go” to Brandon so many times he wouldn’t be getting so much done.
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I feel we’re about two hours away from learning that Herschel Walker actually ran an abortion clinic.
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Dropped my son at college today and it was easy except for the part where my heart exploded into its component molecules and I cried so hard it filled a river big enough for my soul to sail away on.
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Fun Fact: If you say “I don’t know Lev Parnas” out loud, his lawyer will tweet out a photo of you posing with Parnas.
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Pretty strange that "FORMER PRESIDENT'S PEOPLE PUT A DETAILED COUP PLAN IN A DAMN POWERPOINT!!" isn't a banner headline on every news website in America, cause it seems like kind of a big deal.
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Pause a moment and consider the way Jeff Bezos was being threatened. Now envision what Trump’s pal at the National Enquirer has on Ted Cruz, and ask yourself why Cruz went from hating Trump to loving him. Now do the same thing for Lindsey Graham. And all those Evangelicals. 😈
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The CNN audience laughing about sexual assault is one of the more horrendous things I’ve seen in an age of nonstop horrendous things.
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ESPN is now reporting that Aaron Rodgers is in the Jets’ “medical yurt” and the team shaman is “rubbing ivermectin on the spot where his chakra decoupled.”
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Josh Hawley: "Director Wray, let's say, hypothetically, a lawmaker did something to encourage these insurrectionists. And perhaps that lawmaker, we'll call him Tosh Mawley, made calls to people involved. The FBI couldn't get....phone records showing that, right? Hypothetically?"
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🚨BREAKING: Adding to Democrats’ sweeping electoral wins tonight, Republican Kari Lake has again lost the Arizona governor’s race
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Exclusive video of Rush Limbaugh fleeing Florida after calling Hurricane Irma a liberal hoax.
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If DeSantis can fly immigrants to Martha’s Vineyard and Abbott can bus immigrants to Chicago, New York and DC, can we fly or bus Trump supporters in our states to Texas and Florida?
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BREAKING: Responding to controversy, Nicki Minaj releases photo of the swollen testicles
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Oops, you misspelled: "Two heroic Americans were killed defending Muslim women from a ranting white supremacist. I have normalized hatred."
The Fake News Media works hard at disparaging & demeaning my use of social media because they don't want America to hear the real story!
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I think black people should be allowed to call the police on white people who look like they might call the police on black people.
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BREAKING: Trump to send Stephen Miller to his Doral resort in Florida to eat all the bed bugs
#TrumpBedBugs
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1/ I'm a columnist now. But as someone who rose up through the reporting ranks, I can say with 1,000% certainty that this is objectively a far bigger deal than the DOJ report on Biden. That's not a defense of Biden, it's a basic news judgement decision. The fact that this will...
Trump: One of the presidents of a big country stood up and said, Well, sir, if we don't pay and were attacked by Russia, will you protect us? I said.. No I would not protect you. In fact, I would encourage them to do whatever the hell they want.
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Holy crap, the comments on the Boy Scouts of America Facebook page are 🔥🔥🔥.
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Please do not tweet the
#TreasonSummit
hashtag as it might become a top trending topic and embarrass our president while he is engaging in treason at the summit, which is a
#TreasonSummit
.
#TreasonSummit
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How do you sit on a story about the Joint Chiefs of Staff preparing for a coup by an outgoing president? Maybe I'm being an old-fashioned reporter, but that seems like news Americans should know about the moment it's confirmed.
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This is what needs to be done over and over and over until November.
Polls show that, somehow, most voters don’t know or have forgotten most of this, so here it is all in one place, as presented by
@sethmeyers
in tonight’s Closer Look: An overview of Donald Trump, the GOP nominee for president.
(And this is only a small fraction.)
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America will be remembered as a fundamentally dumb country undone by ignorance and an unearned sense of invincibility.
Diamond Lake in Cass County, Michigan just now:
A COVID-19 Petri dish...
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And just like that, she’s gone. Farewell to the best writing partner I’ve ever had. Ineffective chaser of rabbits. Protector of the home. Lover of ear scritches. Expert side-eye deliverer. Noblest of friends. Zoe.
“Fare you well, I love you more than words can tell.”
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Really looking forward to Marco Rubio’s Bible quote tomorrow, along with Mitch McConnell saying he hasn’t seen the president’s tweets about shooting Americans.
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BREAKING: Picking Sarah Palin as a vice presidential candidate drops to No. 2 on the Worst Things John McCain Has Done list
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If I'm following this right, it seems Fox News is 100% convinced that woke Ukraine's refusal to bow down to the kind, great and powerful Vladimir Putin is going to tank Hillary Clinton's presidency and we should all drive trucks to block school board meetings and invade Canada.
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Call me a worrier, but I've never quite understood how having no vaccine, no treatment, no universal commitment to mask wearing and social distancing, and no national leadership on coronavirus could lead to any kind of successful "re-opening," phased or otherwise.
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1/ What makes me so mad about the Aaron Rodgers stuff - and there are buckets and buckets of things to be mad about - are the things he didn't say. I heard zero mention of the 750,000 American souls who have died from this virus, a number bolstered by people like himself who...
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I’ve never seen a political publicity stunt turn into a PR disaster this swiftly. The incompetence remains staggering.
VP Pence flew from Las Vegas to Indianapolis… seemingly for the staged walkout… now he's flying back west to L.A. 🤔
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Dear World:
We would like to apologize for our extremely dumb American president. Yes, he did say “space force.” No, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Please know that we are working to address this problem.
Your patience is appreciated.
- Most of America
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This clip should haunt your dreams. It’s a political party gleefully hitting rock bottom without the slightest regard for democracy.
Reporter: You help lead the effort to overturn the 2020 election results, do you—
Republicans: *boo* shut up
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Young man shot in KC for knocking on the wrong door. Young woman shot and killed in New York for pulling into the wrong driveway. And now a young all-star cheerleader has been shot for trying to open the wrong car in a parking lot. This country is sick.
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1/ Hello everyone, and welcome to this meeting of the Florida GOP Committee on Health Policy. We're meeting today in this parking lot behind a Hooter's because Dale, our treasurer, died of COVID-19 last night and he had sole access to the accounts, so we couldn't rent out...
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My life is already far too weird for my dog to start sitting like this.
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1/ OK, so this Sam Nunberg stuff today is high comedy, and it shows, again, how deep into the Cavern of Idiocy our current president had to dig to find like-minded trolls who would work with him. Honestly, these are the most astonishingly dumb people I've ever witnessed.
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Thank you to Jimmy Kimmel for reminding a large audience of American voters that Donald Trump is a pathetic jackass. It can’t be said enough.
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And when Mary and Joseph were told there was no room for them at the inn, Greg Abbott put them on a bus to Washington, DC.
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Home Depot's co-founder endorsed Trump on the same day Trump posted this, in case anyone needs another reason to never set foot in a Home Depot ever, ever again. Also, please pay attention to how much deeper Trump is sinking into Hitlerian language and tone. The GOP owns this.
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I'll say this about Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene. If I - or you, or pretty much anyone in the real world - had voiced support for executing a subset of my co-workers, I would be fired. Instantly. And I would never work again.
And that would be the correct consequence. Period.
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Meghan McCain: "If you're talking about...going and taking people's guns away from them, there's going to be a lot of violence."
Who wants to tell her?
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Honestly, there are actual Russians with fewer Russian connections than this administration.
JUST IN: Leaked documents show Trump aide concealed ties to Putin cronies
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If we wind up with Joe Biden running against Donald Trump, I say we put them both on stage and whichever one can reset the clock on a VCR after a power outage gets to be president.
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Hope Biden doesn’t do something nutty this week like express love for one of his children.
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Donald Trump Jr. is what happens when a CliffsNotes version of a Shakespearean tragedy and a T-shirt from Senor Frog’s in Cancun have tragically bad unprotected sex.
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This little girl wishes she was somewhere less scary, like in a dark room with a clown holding a machete.
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Trump supporters treating the "Let's Go Brandon" bit like they've discovered a pot of comedic gold is the answer to the question: Why are there no conservative late-night shows?
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1/ So Trump's post-arrest Bedminster speech is over, and here's the thing: It was low energy. This stuff is obviously wearing him down. But beyond that, it was a litany of lies and nonsense, most of them so deep in the right-wing fever swamp that they'll be meaningless to...
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What a staggeringly embarrassing day for any American with a shred of intelligence.
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Hate to be a downer, but...
Opening schools won’t work. Professional and college sports won’t work for long. Bars definitely won’t work
Nothing works without a national strategy to contain the virus and a unified effort to take it seriously.
Nothing works until Trump is gone.
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There is a very, very good chance that this alone will decide the election, and everything else will just be noise.
Trump brags about overturning Roe v. Wade: I did it. I’m proud to have done it. It was a miracle
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If Trump stood in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shot somebody, Republicans would just shrug and say he's keeping a campaign promise.
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Everyone seriously tweeting
#IwillNOTComply
is about a month away from launching a GoFundMe to help pay their rent.
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My wife was just telling me about how her day was when Bernie Sanders walked in and started telling me how my wife’s day actually was.
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To the fragile men of the world:
"If you think being called a bedbug or getting mocked by a fake cow on Twitter is bad, talk to a few women or people of color who have Twitter accounts. Talk to a few female newspaper columnists or sports reporters."
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These two are so creepy and so painfully disingenuous. This sent a chill down my spine.
Mike Johnson’s wife Kelly just responded after it was revealed her “Christian Counseling Services” compare gay people to bestiality and say sex out of wedlock “offends God.”
She said she “felt burdened for so many people” & says “God” made Mike Johnson Speaker. “It’s Biblical.”
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There is no universe in which Donald Trump’s Hitler-adjacent “vermin” speech shouldn’t be the top domestic story everywhere. Every GOP lawmaker and party official should be asked to condemn Trump over and over again, and a responsible press would stick to that relentlessly.
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11/ F*ck you, Aaron Rodgers. On behalf of exhausted Americans, f*ck you. Nobody will force you to get vaccinated. But if your choice is to not, you should've owned up to it from the jump. You should've put other people's lives ahead of your own, both then and now. But you didn't.
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Yeah, I'm still way more terrified of a white dude who owns 47 guns and shoots 59 people from a hotel room window and then gets forgotten.
I have just ordered Homeland Security to step up our already Extreme Vetting Program. Being politically correct is fine, but not for this!
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So Republicans, who believe tax cuts stimulate economic growth, just voted to block a $50 million tax break for Delta in Georgia because the airline halted its NRA discount. Delta is one of the state's largest employers. These Republicans value guns over their own constituents.
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l look forward to the day when it is once again embarrassing to be stupid.
Rand Paul saves the day! Calls out the "experts" and says you are not the "end all" to make all decisions. GAME, SET, MATCH.
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BREAKING: Texas school districts to ban Stephen King's "It" because "the title is a pronoun"
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I love how most Republicans have reacted to Trump’s indictments by saying, “Are we really going to start enforcing *laws*?? I mean, who does that?!?”
Graham: Are we going to let county prosecutors start prosecuting the President of the United States? The former President of the United States. To my Democratic friends, be careful what you wish for
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Ron DeSantis’ favorite Bible verse: “I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you put my ass on a plane to Martha’s Vineyard to score political points with people who take Jesus’ teachings and do the exact opposite.”
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We’re also living in a nation where patriot-cosplaying rich doofuses don’t know the difference between the Pledge of Allegiance and the National Anthem because everything they do is just performative nonsense.
Sen. Rick Scott: "We're living in a nation where these woke, rich, pampered football players are kneeling for the Pledge of Allegiance."
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No Trump supporter has ever tried to better understand me. Not once. I've never heard a MAGA figure tell Trump supporters they need to listen to liberals or immigrants or people in the LGBTQ community to better understand what motivates them. Have you?
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People who think they're part of a master race sure do get squeamish about anyone finding out who they are.
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BREAKING: As a precaution, aides have spent the morning briefing President Trump on the existence of Miami, Ohio. Sources say "it is not going well."
#TrumpIsAnIdiot
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12/ Because you give a damn about one thing: Aaron Rodgers.
And now a lot of people don't give a damn about you.
END
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I feel like we're just moments away from someone on Fox News blaming the Jan. 6 terrorist attack on the U.S. capitol on Colin Kaepernick.
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🚨🚨🚨The asylum-seeking Congolese mother and child I’ve been writing about have been reunited in Chicago. I’m told they fell into each other’s arms crying. It took more than four months, but they’re back together. 🚨🚨🚨
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Dude sits there with an ash cross on his forehead saying a military parade might cost as much as $30 million just days after laying out a budget that will send poor people boxes of canned beans. Not a real follower-of-Christ move, if you ask me.
NEW: OMB Director Mulvaney says President Trump's military parade would likely cost between $10 million and $30 million.
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BREAKING: For the fifth time this weekend, turkeys lined up to be pardoned by President Trump have been “fully drained” of blood by his son, Eric. Asked for explanation, Eric would only say: “I thirst.”
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Whatever Russia has on all these bastards must be absolutely staggering.
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We haven't seen a hand-to-butt ratio like this since the T. rex roamed the Earth.
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Uh oh. A reader offended that I called Trump supporters racist has threatened to sue me for “liable.”
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So now Donald Trump is trying to get Fox News to fire Karl Rove? Guys, I’m starting to think the GOP’s cancel culture rhetoric isn’t entirely sincere.
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Great night for everyone except women, immigrants, Muslims, LBGT people, POC, the disabled, anyone who was ever bullied...
#ElectionNight
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Interestingly, in high school, Donald Trump Jr. was voted "Most Likely to Accidentally Do a Treason and Bring Down His Dad's Presidency."
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This is a slight improvement over Melania Trump's annual Caged Lab Rabbits and Taxidermy Vampire Bat Valentine's Day Extravaganza of Sorrow.
First Lady Jill Biden put a massive Valentine's display on the North Lawn.
"I just wanted some joy. With the pandemic, just everybody's feeling a little down. So, it's just a little joy. A little hope. That's all."
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BREAKING: Elon Musk announces that users will no longer be able to see any text on X, formerly known as Twitter, as the social media platform pivots to focus on "implied alpha-male vibes" and "a sense of seething hatred"
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In a just world, an ostrich would be wearing a jacket made of Paul Manafort.
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Oh, sorry, I was just reading about how your dad rescinded Obama's Fair Pay order which provided paycheck transparency. You were saying?
#EqualPayDay
is a reminder that women deserve equal pay for equal work. We must work to close the gender pay gap!
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If Trump really wants to stick it to Mitch McConnell he should give everyone free healthcare. That’ll teach him.
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Honestly, I'm nauseous. That tweet using a school shooting as cover against the Russia investigation. Those are murdered children, goddammit. This is too much. How is anyone still standing with this monster? We're living a nightmare.
I'm out for a bit, folks. Jesus.
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It's like the confluence of two rivers of sewage.
BREAKING: I’ve gone home. Great to be rejoining Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation after 28 years. The place I started my media career, with the boss who gave me my first big break. We’re going to have a lot of fun….
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BREAKING: Could President Joe Biden's refusal to violate the Espionage Act spell trouble for Democrats in the midterms?
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DO NOT VAPE! MY WIFE IS WORRIED ABOUT HER SON BARRON WHO MIGHT ALSO BE MY SON I THINK IF SO HE'S FANTASTIC!
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2/ ...who have the gall, thanks to never being told they're wrong, to think they know better than an overwhelming majority of scientists and medical professionals. Not a damn word about anyone who lost a child, or a parent, or a brother or sister.
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I want the willfully unvaccinated to feel uncomfortable. I want them to feel they are being judged harshly. This isn’t a personal decision. It impacts all of us. And you can’t meet people halfway when the halfway point exists in a land of make believe.
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