mike☺︎ (no-good samaritan)
@PhilipJFried
Followers
5,070
Following
2,952
Media
3,606
Statuses
68,297
Once described as "like a cool dude" | not worth getting to know | sad clown |
just blew in from Stupid Town
Joined August 2009
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
梅雨入り
• 153586 Tweets
#InternationalYogaDay
• 142264 Tweets
अंतर्राष्ट्रीय योग
• 98772 Tweets
علي النبي
• 59904 Tweets
FILLED BLANK WITH LOVE
• 53876 Tweets
ECHR
• 39096 Tweets
ブラックジャック
• 36727 Tweets
FREEZE IS FOREVER
• 35924 Tweets
ドクターキリコ
• 35502 Tweets
Hayırlı Cumalar
• 29153 Tweets
VIEWJUNE WITH DISAYA
• 23880 Tweets
1Z ON NEW GIRL GROUP
• 18266 Tweets
MakinKESINI MakinJELAS
• 17683 Tweets
ORMKORN SWU PRIDE24
• 16501 Tweets
ラスカル
• 14947 Tweets
デーゲンブレヒャー
• 13730 Tweets
Allah'tan
• 11274 Tweets
영지소녀
• 10907 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
Cop: I'm giving you a ticket
Me: Thanks, who's playing?
3
52
457
Celebrating President's Day by not doing anything I promised I would
9
880
6K
Pretty much everything about Grim Adventures
30
694
4K
@roastmalone_
He have broad face? And a little round belly? Shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly??
1
2
1K
Wow chopping onions is a lot easier if you're already crying to begin with
12
212
766
I burnt down my farm in Farmville for the insurance money
16
106
545
Just for one day, I'd like to underthink everything
11
209
515
Rabbits go out of their way to hide their eggs from predators and we steal them just for fun
4
54
520
Your honor, please tell the prosecutor that I'm not talking to him if he's gonna be like this
8
136
425
What do you call it when a cat does this? I say "meatloafing," my sister says "bunning"
143
42
375
Fire: *burns you*
Friendly fire: *compliments you*
2
77
371
Me: I need some goth highlighters
Assistant: you mean black sharpies?
5
139
353
[first day as a GPS]
Me: it was back there, sorry
7
143
353
Seriously, my cat should know by now that I'll grab his tail and let it run through my hand every single time he walks by me, ffs
13
75
309
Feels like at least 1/3 of adulthood is cleaning something
9
125
310
I may not be perfect, but at least I don't say "ex cetera"
24
97
297
God, I hate kids…
- my mother, the retired kindergarten teacher
9
74
295
I'm going to attempt to forgive myself, wish me luck
23
78
281
The shower food guy ratios everyone he replies to
Gaz has become too powerful
1
7
290
If you ask me, it all went downhill after 1999
12
113
285
If you don't get this gaslighting joke, it's your fault, really, if you think about it
8
98
280
Did it hurt? When you realized you're not even that popular on twitter?
85
83
272
Mobile game: invite friends!
Me: *deletes app*
4
95
274
Mornings are so depressing like you still have the whole day ahead of you
4
101
263
Yay!
An extra hour of ⁿᵒᵗ ᵇᵉⁱⁿᵍ ᵃᵇˡᵉ ᵗᵒ sleep!
2
104
264
They should make a Twitter for normal people
23
107
260
2019: fuck you
2020: you are a hero
2021: thank you for working
2022: fuck you, again
5
79
265
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
1
108
265
Banning guns won't stop criminals from getting guns, but sure, let's ban abortion to stop women from getting abortions
14
119
254
I wrote down a joke about the clit but I don't know where it is
20
85
253
"You're still young, you have your whole life ahead of you" oh god, there's more??
6
97
243
Instead of doing my taxes, I simply sent the IRS a note saying, "I was an essential employee. You're welcome."
7
81
244
Guys, it's totally acceptable to eat a reese's cup in the middle of dinner, right?
36
65
229
[Las Vegas]
Me: you know in England, these are called poker crisps
6
76
242
I got a fever! And the only prescription…is more sleigh bell!
- Walken, in a winter wonderland
12
95
230
Me: no
My dog: hows about yes?
Me: noooo…
My dog: but what if yes?
Me: NO
My dog: counterpoint: yes
Me: okay fine
5
67
232
I may not be perfect, but at least I know it's "should have" and not "should of"
8
87
232
Romantically calling each other "motherfucker"
4
95
219
Due to personal reasons I will now start drinking
9
72
202
"Twitter Crush?" You mean my tweetheart
6
88
200
A January so long, 2023 is about to be next week
3
72
196
I may not be perfect, but at least I have Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, HBO Max and Prime Video
17
60
197
Let's see, if I go to bed now, I can still fit in about six hours of not sleeping
5
70
199
I named your vagina "Astrophysics" because I don't get it
9
79
192
Whenever I see a flock of birds above me flying away from something I'm just like, "So it begins…"
4
84
192
I bet nobody actually calls him a space cowboy
17
77
196
Her: don't make things weird
Me: I'm sick of your impossible demands!
1
100
191
Sometimes I like selfies just to be supportive
10
70
187
Cute date idea: burn off each other's fingerprints
7
84
183
Wanna come over and watch Napoleon Dynamite?
31
59
183
I keep all my good tweets in this trophy case.
*gestures at empty trophy case*
6
97
185
BREAKING: I have decided to stop being too good to be true
2
88
184
On a scale from overwhelmingly depressed to serial killer, how clean is your car?
76
54
181
Seriously, I love grammar.
Why would I lay about that?
10
87
184
"Space is a vacuum" lol ok Neil deGrasse Dyson
9
60
189
Vegetarians be like, "was this a free-range leaf?"
3
78
187
Obviously, someone hacked my account and posted dumb tweets for the last 11 years 👀
9
78
177
The best way to cut carbs is with a bread knife probably
5
81
182
Wanna come over and watch The Muppet Christmas Carol?
24
58
182
TLDR: too long; didn't read
My brain: Teh Lord of Da Rings
3
64
180
If you're happy and you know it, keep that shit to yourself
5
81
178
[giving head]
Me: babe, I got you this head!
Her: *screams*
8
87
183
Hear me out: a bologna and provolone sandwich
Probolovologna
8
69
175
If I just saw boobs on the Internet, to whom do I report it?
74
52
175
Cellmate: what are you in for?
Me: I killed a guy…
Cellmate: oh shit, with what?
Me: kindness ❤️ :)
6
74
176
Drop your single funniest tweet here, i need a a smile
114
49
174
At least that fucking owl that ate that poor kid's tootsie pop is probably dead by now
12
68
179
I wish I was famous but then I bet I would just spend all my time wishing I wasn't famous
7
91
179
Land ho implies the existence of air slut and sea bitch
12
77
176
[first time at a dive bar]
Me, wearing scuba gear: okay wtf
2
74
174
[pet shop]
Me: how much for that angry rock?
Employee: that's a crab
3
73
172
You all say that you love sundresses, but I've been wearing one all week and not one woman has tried to have sex with me
8
57
167
Okay, hang on, wait, let me get the dry erase board real quick and I'll show you what mansplaining actually is.
5
88
168
Can't. Learning a new language so I can think of another password
2
79
169
Not to brag, but I don't need to get drunk in order to cry
4
54
168