Patrick Kielty
@PatricKielty
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Dear @BorisJohnson, .There is no better Brexit when it comes to the Good Friday Agreement and Northern Ireland. As you still seem bamboozled by all this Paddywackery here’s a few pointers for your next stab in the dark -.
My plan for a better Brexit .
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Poor @BorisJohnson Such terrible luck with these Irish Sea border shenanigans. And so unexpected. Not like a border in Ireland versus a border with Britain has ever led to violence in Northern Ireland before. Seems like he’s just done his best. Again.
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20. Meantime, if you’re so concerned about keeping Northern Ireland totally aligned with the rest of the UK where’s your support for our same sex marriage and women’s right to choose? Your silence is deafening.
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The lies put on the side of a bus five years ago almost cost a bus driver his life tonight. Deep concern isn’t enough. When are you going to start owning this mess?.
I am deeply concerned by the scenes of violence in Northern Ireland, especially attacks on PSNI who are protecting the public and businesses, attacks on a bus driver and the assault of a journalist. The way to resolve differences is through dialogue, not violence or criminality.
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Just heartbreaking. She was the truth way before most of us knew where to look. Rest in peace, Sinéad.
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If you fancy a nice long walk, why not start in Derry and finish in Newry? You can find out what your lie of taking back control of borders actually means.
We're marching from Sunderland to London to tell the Westminster elite we will not be betrayed over Brexit. Get your walking boots on!
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Today Lyra McKee is laid to rest. She believed in peace, tolerance and equality. The exact opposite of those responsible. They will never win because Lyra will always be the future. And her truth will continue to be told. #IStandWithLyra.
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Posting this before they change their mind! A real honour to follow in the footsteps of Gay, Pat and Ryan. Thanks RTE for the chance to be a part of the next chapter. @RTELateLateShow.
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18. You will be remembered not as the Churchillian visionary you delude yourself to be but the ignoramus who triggered the break up of the UK.
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Some men seem to have forgotten this woman's name. How about the rest of us shout it from the rooftops? THANK YOU MO MOWLAM.
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11. Your Brexit lies have opened a Pandora’s box for Northern Ireland. It's one reason why the majority of people in NI voted to remain in the EU (almost as if they knew more about the fragile equilibrium of their politics than you).
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Relieved @theresa_may has decided to go. So we can finally move on to a Prime Minister who neither understands nor gives a fuck about the Good Friday Agreement or the Irish border.
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So sad to hear about John Hume this morning. In our darkest days he knew the only thing worth fighting for was peace. And he refused to give up until he helped delivery it. Thank you for changing our lives. And our future. RIP.
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Can’t quite believe this man is gone. He was so much kinder than he was funny. And god, was he funny. A proper star. And a gorgeous human. Rest easy Paul x
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19. If there’s any justice all this will come to pass when you're Prime Minister so you can finally swim in the constitutional sewage you've created (though we all know you’ll be in Nice with your trotters up).
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So, one candidate who understands the Irish border. One who doesn’t. One who thinks they can buy it. One who can name places close to it. And one who gives zero fucks about any of it. And your next Prime Minister is. ? Yup. God help us all. #BBCOurNextPM.
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The border was consistently a war zone for 25 years. Then consistently invisible & peaceful for 20 years thanks to the Good Friday Agreement. The only thing “broadly consistent” here is the total ignorance of, wait for it, a former N Ireland Sec of State. Sweet baby Jesus.
Theresa Villiers should not be allowed on TV to discuss Brexit after saying:. "There is no reason why we have to change our border arrangements in the event of a Brexit, because they've been broadly consistent in the 100 years since the creation of Ireland as a separate state."
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A phantom border has brought peace to N Ireland for over 20 years. Taking back control is the lie that threatens it. You are the culprit. Happy New Year.
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And so it begins. A border down the Irish Sea. Another above Hadrian’s Wall. The beginning of the end of the Union. Brought to you by the Conservative and Unionist Party.
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6. This cunning plan was sold to us on the basis that we were all part of the EU therefore fixation on nationality was so last World War.
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16. The EU is not responsible for your blundering lack of foresight. Like most people in Northern Ireland they were happy with the status quo.
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If you cared about the Good Friday Agreement, you wouldn’t have supported the Leave campaign in the first place. Oh, hang on. You didn’t. That’s why people in N Ireland don’t believe a word you say.
Our first priority is to uphold the Belfast (Good Friday) Agreement. 💬 Read my statement to @HouseofCommons:
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The Irish was border was removed and the island linked so Nationalists could pretend they were already living in a United Ireland (yes, Tony Blair did slight of hand much better than you).
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15. Any break up of the Union will be your fault (a tad inconvenient as a member of the Conservative and er, Unionist party).
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12. Barely mentioned before Brexit, a border poll is now inevitable thanks to your monumental ignorance.
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Quick one for Priti Patel before she reruns the Irish Famine - .Ireland is a major importer of food from the UK. The UK is a major importer of food from the EU. Ireland is a member of, guess what? The EU. If shit was wit she’d be constipated.
Tory MP Priti Patel suggests using threat of food shortages in Ireland if there is a no-deal Brexit to drop the backstop.
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7. Implementing the Good Friday Agreement was torturous (think Brexit with actual bombs, not metaphorical suicide vests) but we finally made peace. Yet 20 years later NI remains a divided society.
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17. By the time the penny drops that you can’t preserve the Union you want without the one you don’t, it will be too late.
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Big thanks to the mighty @Tommedian for having me on tonight. For the kindness, the understanding and making hard things easier. To everyone who watched, thanks for all your messages. Really means a lot. Here’s to the future.
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13. When that poll is eventually held the Nationalists who were once content being part of a Northern Ireland within the UK and EU will vote to leave the UK to feel as Irish and European as they did before Brexit.
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Ireland. United. By golf, tears and soon to be drink. A LOT of drink. Take a bow @ShaneLowryGolf and @royalportrush What a man. What a show.
The greatest walk in golf in front of the greatest fans 👏 What a week here in Northern Ireland #TheOpen
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3. For over 30 years we killed each other because of these differences which means Northern Ireland is nothing like Camden or Westminster.
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2. These Irish Nationalists don’t see themselves as British but rather inconveniently as Irish (who knew?).
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1. Northern Ireland is made up of a majority of Unionists (as in the Conservative and Unionist Party) and, believe it or not, a rather large minority of Nationalists (as in Irish Nationalists).
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Finally women in N Ireland can choose what to do with their own bodies. And every person in N Ireland can choose to marry who they love. Here’s to @stellacreasy Here’s to @ConorMcGinn Here’s to Equality. #northisTODAY #equalmarriage.
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8. Thanks to your glorious Brexit vision Northern Ireland will become more divided as some form of economic border checks will become part of daily lives.
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Have made a film about home. And hope. It’s on BBC1 tonight at 9pm. Be lovely if you could check it out.
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She’s right. We didn’t. We’ve spent 20 years building peace in Northern Ireland. Then seen a United Ireland become more possible thanks to a few jumped up Brexiteers who say they’re actually Unionists. You couldn’t make it up (so they do instead).
Kate Hoey: “we didnt spend 30 years suffering IRA killings of soldiers and civilians in Northern Ireland to see a United Ireland imposed by a few jumped up EU bureaucrats and a complicit prime minister.” Wow.
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9. If those checks take place between NI and Ireland, the Nationalists who were once happy being part of the UK will change their mind.
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14. The poll will be much closer thanks to your Brexit folly and could easily be lost by Unionists, breaking up the UK.
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4. The Good Friday Agreement ended that violence by the following devious magic -.
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When the party who can’t cut a deal for a regional assembly tells you to go get a better deal from 27 other countries (with a straight face).
DUP's Nigel Dodds: 'Does she not get it by now that the Withdrawal Agreement legally binding text is unacceptable to this house'
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5. Some of these Nationalists then accepted being part of the UK as their day to day lives were essentially Irish.
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Unionists were guaranteed that Northern Ireland would be part of the UK until the majority voted otherwise.
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10. If they take place in the Irish Sea some Unionists will be livid. However they'll still support being part of the UK (the clue is in the Unionist bit).
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Some heroes don’t wear capes. They wear mullets. Thank You Sheamie. We loved having ya up in the smoke.
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Proud to be a small part of Once Upon a Time in Northern Ireland. Thanks to the brilliant James Bluemel for his kindness and humanity telling our stories. Thinking tonight of all those whose stories are yet to be told. Here’s to the future x.
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Knocking it out of da park. Never in doubt Stevie ! Go get ‘em our Kid 💪☘️.
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Made this over the summer. Flesh on the bones to get back home. But not gonna lie, much harder than I thought. Love you to check it out if you can. Tonight BBC1 @ 9pm
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Not sure how this happened. But to the half million of you who checked this out - THANK YOU. Those who agreed. Those who didn’t. And those who thought I was talking out of my arse. As long as we’re talking, we’re winning. Here’s to 2022.
ICYMI | "A #SharedIsland means challenging ourselves to go beyond our own comfort zones, and what we are prepared to give up to make things better for others and ourselves. ". 🗣️Comedian @PatricKielty's brilliant address to the #SharedIsland Forum🗨️ earlier this month👇
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Thanks for watching tonight. Genuinely overwhelmed by your kindness. It really means a lot. Onwards and upwards x.
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That moment when you actually end up shoulder to shoulder. The brilliant Stevie bringing it home….
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Today America elected @JoeBiden as its 46th President. He’s from Scranton, Pennsylvania via Carlingford, Co. Louth. Thoughts and prayers with @BorisJohnson and his hard Brexit, hard border bluff.
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Thank you @RealCFrampton For dreamin big. Winning bigger. And bringing us all on the ride. For wearing the biggest heart on your sleeve. And never forgetting people at home. Winners don’t always look out for underdogs. But champions do. It’s why you’ll always be ours. Take a bow.
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That moment when you call home to tell them Magheralin is in Co Down. Massive day for the parish. What’s my name ? @WiffenDaniel Olympic Champion 💪💪💪
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Huge congrats to Glen and Kilmacud for an absolute thriller in Newry. One of the most exciting games I’ve never seen.
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50 years ago NASA put man on the moon. But they won’t be able to put Portrush to bed tonight. Dare to dream @ShaneLowryGolf We’re right behind ya Big Fella!.
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So sad to hear this today. No one could paint a picture like this man. Wherever you were in the world, he brought you to the edge of the pitch and the edge of your seat. A giant and a gent. Rest in peace.
Mícheál Ó Muircheartaigh, a giant of sports broadcasting. RIP. He took over as RTÉ Radio 1's premier radio commentator when Míchael O'Hehir retired from broadcasting in 1985. His last All-Ireland final came in 2010, when he commentated on Cork's win over Down in the football
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Been up half the night with a small boy and his teeth. But woke to this. Can’t quite believe it. Huge congrats to these other great films. And thank you @BAFTA - thought this morning’s joy was only going to be strong coffee (and a cheeky nap) !.
The four nominees for Single Documentary 👏🔎. 📺 Driven: The Billy Monger Story .📺 Gun No. 6 .📺 My Dad, the Peace Deal and Me .📺 School for Stammerers . #BAFTATV
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Why Northern Ireland (and the DUP) needs a People’s Vote.
If we’re heading for a hard Brexit then we’re heading for a united Ireland | Patrick Kielty
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Sources in @10DowningStreet confirm details of deal. “We’re gonna throw the DUP under the bus. But we’re telling them it’s being built in Ballymena”.
Update: all outstanding issues with the exception of VAT are now resolved in the Brexit negotiations, including the consent issue, according to EU source.
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No pressure at all (swallows hard, mops cold sweat from brow) Just…er…don’t mess it up 🧑🎄.
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Can’t believe I’m typing this. But our big little film BALLYWALTER opens in cinemas across the UK and Ireland TODAY, Sept 22nd. Check local listings for details. Mind officially blown.
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Good to know @BorisJohnson thinks he can just ignore inconvenient truths from neighbours. Can’t wait for that first meeting with Ireland on the backstop.
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Good Morning 2024. Happy New Year from The Kingdom of Mourne 💛💪
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And still. the greatest champion and hero we have @RealCFrampton Pure talent, bravery, heart and humility. It’s why we love you, our kid. Win, lose or draw.
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Gay could have made it anywhere in the world. The rest of us were lucky he came home and made modern Ireland instead. I’ll never forget his kindness when I was making my way. It meant so much as he was a God to me and so many others. Thinking of Kathleen and family today X.
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Coming soon from @BorisJohnson - “And I believe I’m the only candidate who can unite the conservative party, the country and er, Ireland”.
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This is a lie and you know it. The type you normally like to stick on the side of a bus. Why not try sticking it on the side of a ferry or one of the lorries currently being checked at your “Irish Sea Border” and see how far you get?.
There is no ‘Irish Sea Border’. As we have seen today, the important preparations the Govt and businesses have taken to prepare for the end of the Transition Period are keeping goods flowing freely around the country, including between GB and NI.
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Quick question - So I know none of us are actually playing but it’s ok to be shittin yourself on Shane Lowry’s behalf, right? Asking for a friend. #theopen2019.
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And still !!! A hero just became a legend. Go Kellie !
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Genuinely overwhelmed by all of you who watched this. And by your lovely messages. THANK YOU x (Last couple of days on the iPlayer)
High praise for ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ My Dad, the Peace Deal and Me @PatricKielty @BBCOne you have 2 days left to catch it @BBCiPlayer - #MIMO
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Well whaddaya know? The DUP backs a Tory govt. To stop a Corbyn govt (their worst nightmare) If only someone had the negotiating skills to call their bluff a billion quid ago. The EU must be shitting itself.
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Spent 2 weekends last month in The Ulster Hospital visiting my Mum. The NHS nurses who looked after her were superheroes. But forced to strike last year for equal pay with rest of UK. When this is over can we pay all NHS staff what they deserve?.
@msleenah @Fydsy This was a Tesco store in Belfast this morning. Staff applauding the NHS staff and handing out flowers as a thank you.
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If we’d listened to this man our history may have been very different. He took a stand for two simple things. Peace over violence. And the truth that we’re all the same. RIP Ivan Cooper. One day we might just catch up.
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And it’s this attitude, lads, that’s got us where we are today.
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I’ve missed DUP hardball - .“We will not accept any deal that weakens the Union. We must go back and get one that guarantees the break up of the Union instead. Or we’ll bring down this government of the Conservative and er. Unionist Party”.
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Laughs and tears alert (aka snatters trippin’ us).
I suppose I should do this one last time . Tonight. Channel 4. 9pm. This episode is called The Agreement. I hope you like it. #DerryGirls
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Delighted to be able to share this. And proud to be part of an amazing cast and crew. BALLYWALTER - In Cinemas SEPT 22nd
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25 years ago N Ireland woke up to a ceasefire. Tonight brilliant @markcousinsfilm looks back on how we survived the years before - by escaping without leaving. It’s kinda beautiful x
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Was asked to speak at yesterday’s Shared Island Forum in Dublin. Big thanks to our fab host @DearbhailDibs And more power to @jackieredpath @OrlaNWCI and @DeirdreGarvey for showing us all the way.
"A #SharedIsland means challenging ourselves to go beyond our own comfort zones, and what we are prepared to give up to make things better for others and ourselves. ". 🗣️Comedian @PatricKielty's brilliant address to yesterday's #SharedIsland Forum🗨️👇
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Fuck. Me. Bridie. If this is what we can do on the road, wait til we get them home to Chicago #IREvNZL
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Theresa May - "But before we leave Europe let me first take leave of my senses and team up with some homophobic, Irish creationists".
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Six months ago we didn’t even have a cinema distributor. This week we took £100K in our opening 7 days at the IRE/UK box office. To everyone who bought a ticket - THANK YOU! You’ve proved small movies can dream big. @BOPictures.
We’re delighted to report that BALLYWALTER has passed 100k at the IRE/UK box office in its opening week 🎟️. Announcements to come from @ElysianFilmUK of further screenings. Watch this space. Meanwhile, here’s a lovely lino cut print celebrating the film, by @Lauren_Dark_ . 🚕x
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So @BorisJohnson still says he’s building a bridge to N Ireland. He isn’t. What he’s actually building are border control posts at N Ireland ports for goods to and from Britain. Does he think we came up Beaufort’s Dyke in a bubble? Absolute bluffer.
Northern Ireland to Scotland bridge would be 'fantastic for connectivity', says Brandon Lewis.
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Delighted I could surprise you guys tonight. To everyone at @CancerFundChild - THANK YOU ! So glad to be back in Co Down for Christmas this year. And SO proud of what you do for everyone here at home X.
Wow what an incredible performance by all the celebrities on tonight’s #TheChase Christmas Special 🤩Massive THANK YOU to @PatricKielty for winning us a surprise Christmas present of £50K to support children & young people living with cancer 💛#togetherthroughcancer 🎗
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Can’t get a visual but listening to Olympic Pommel Horse Final on the wireless in France. Rhys has just nailed it. American hasn’t done enough. Sweet Baby Jesus. Anyone else in purgatory…?.
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Never been star struck in my life. Until this man turned me to jelly. Back into the 14 yr old boy who cried laughing at his albums on cassette in the car with my Da (see gormless look) Still no idea what I said to…
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Quick Life Hack @DominicRaab - when you “haven’t quite understood” how reliant UK trade in goods is on Dover-Calais probably best to resign BEFORE negotiating the Withdrawal Agreement.
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How does it go again @theresa_may ? “We need something that works for the whole of the UK” Bin your backstop for equal marriage rights in N Ireland - now.
THIS IS NOT A REHEARSAL!. Next Friday 1 March, the House of Lords will consider an amendment to extend equal marriage to Northern Ireland. The Government is trying to block it. We need your help TODAY - please click link to email Ministers & then RT. ❤️
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Used to think Sean Hughes was a God when I brought him on at The Empire. He was. Inspired all us Irish comics to go chase bigger dreams. RIP.
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No deal means a border poll and potential break up of the Union. If only there was something a chap could sign to prevent that. Like the backstop.
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A giant on the pitch. But a bigger man off it. At Shimna College he led the way for Integrated Education in N Ireland. Thanks for showing us the future, Eamonn. Rest In Peace.
Former Down manager Eamonn Burns has passed away aged 56. Burns won All-Ireland titles with Down in 1991 & 1994 before managing the county to the Ulster final in 2017. Read more ▶️
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I’ve just come from a place where they’ve no clue how to solve your border. Or your wall. And I totally agree with that shit. But we’re right behind you. So, are you my caddie? Where’s my golf clubs?.
‘I think it will all work out very well – and also for you, with your wall, your border’ @realDonaldTrump on #Brexit
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Seriously, just something in my eye. So proud of these OSCAR WINNERS ! who brought it home last night with their BIG wee film. Now THIS is how you give an acceptance speech….
An unexpected moment of wholesomeness at the #Oscars: The entire audience singing 'Happy Birthday' to James Martin from 'An Irish Goodbye' moments after the film won an Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film
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