Nick Offerman
@Nick_Offerman
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Citizen 🇺🇸🐷 he/him 🎨: @MatttDavies
California
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Let’s do this 🐈🕺🏻
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honey, please call me
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This thread is very good.
1/ This Father’s Day, I compiled the most on-brand anecdotes of my dad, who is basically an Asian Ron Swanson. Thread:
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I see a donkey
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I'm headed to the Sundance
#WomensMarch
- ur welcome 2 come feel the weight of my feminist balls in your tiny hand if it'll help
I'm planning a 'Men's March' to protest at the creeping global emasculation of my gender by rabid feminists. Who's with me?
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I would grill that child the finest steak she had ever apprehended you turgid dumbass
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Ironically qualifying them as patriots
Three Eagles players have stated they don't intend to visit the White House
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My profound thanks for all the generous plaudits for Episode 3 of
@hboTheLastofUs
I imagine I’ll be speaking to that experience as i weave my pastiche of humor across comedy hotbeds like Bensalem, Pennsylvania, among others. Join me if you please, or don’t. Still not a beggar.
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Only an idiot would hold that opinion, and Ron is many things but he is no idiot.
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The majority would argue that it’s the motherfucker who has done the dishonoring 🇺🇸
Trump: Rashida Tlaib "dishonored" the country with "impeach the motherf-cker" remark
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Our government has today reaffirmed their stance that they don’t give a shit about women. We men need to remain vocal af about the fact that we do indeed care about and recognize and respect you women and that we will continue to fight for decency for all Americans.
#BelieveWomen
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HIRED
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First ever Nobel Prize in Crowbar
Trump name chiseled off the Trump International Hotel in Panama after weeks of tensions over control of the property.
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OH HELL YEAH NICE
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Goddammit Jerry
Fart attack: Plane makes emergency landing after passenger refuses to stop breaking wind on flight
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Holy shit.
Leslie Knope wants to let you in on a secret... On April 30,
#ParksAndRec
is returning to NBC for “A Parks and Recreation Special”. Our workplace proximity associates, along with our neighbors at
@StateFarm
, are raising money for
@FeedingAmerica
. Join us!
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I am frequently asked how Ron Swanson would weigh in on this election. I was able to contact a source close to Ron and here is the result:
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@DonaldJTrumpJr
@IvankaTrump
@EricTrump
curious if you’ve seen your pop eat shit harder than he did today? 😬
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Please let me back in the house?
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Still not blown away by this clock.
Who makes the best Scotch Egg in London, please and thank you?
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How sad to be this bad at watching television 😕
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I will jump on this pile of agreement
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Dear America,
Passions will run high 2nite
Please take the high road & embrace ur fellow citizens no matter the outcome🇺🇸
#AllInThisTogether
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE - THE MOST TALENTED AND POWERFUL GODDESS THAT MOTHER GAIA HAS EVER ACHIEVED ⚡️ ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ ⚡️
U MAKE ME GIGGLE AND JAPE 🤸🏽♂️
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, OL’ SUGAR-BUSH ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Friends, I was fortunate enough to receive a very nice winged Emmy accolade figurine last night for my work as Bill in
@TheLastofUsHBO
written by the indomitable
@clmazin
It’s hard to fully swallow because the role was in an inseparable partnership with the magnificent…
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Hey could someone do a dope coffee table book of all the genius/righteous signs frm
#WomensMarch
& proceeds go to
@PPact
?
#Please
&ThankYou
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Buddy, your brand of ignorance and hate is exactly why we make stories like this. ❤️🕺🏻
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Drop em
Drop a picture of you that looks like an album cover.
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This sad boy is known for his sexual predation of women, but this has to be the first time a POTUS has forced himself upon a church?
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You shall pay for this insolence, tall man 🤨
No matter how bad things might seem right now, at least we still have Nick Offerman’s insane giggle:
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Narrator: It is.
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I don’t believe we share a border with France, Dullard J. Trump
Another very bad terror attack in France. We are going to strengthen our borders even more. Chuck and Nancy must give us the votes to get additional Border Security!
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Glad to see you doing good work but I’d be prouder if you understood that what you are doing is equally
#womanshit
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@robdelaney
can we please make this movie - it has everything 🎯 💨
Dart championship descends into madness as players accuse each other of farting
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HATS OFF, CITIZEN
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(Unless you're not white and you would like to vote)
I can assure you no one will work harder than
@JeffSessions
to defend the freedoms and safety of all Americans as Attorney General.
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A well-crafted and poignant burn
If there is a Muslim ban, refugees can pretend they're Christians. You know, just like Republicans do.
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Now I can rest.
Also born June 26, 1970, is professional woodworker, comedian and actor Nick Offerman ("Parks & Recreation"). He too is 18,530 days old today, the same age as Wilford Brimley on the day 'Cocoon' was released. Congrats to
@Nick_Offerman
! You've reached the Brimley/Cocoon Line.
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WHO’S THE LUCKY JACKASS
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You scurrilous, misinforming dipshit. Lemme fix this for you:
“Imagine if you did chores for your grandma, and she gave you $10 to add to the $10 million you have already earned. When you got home, your parents took $7 from you.”
The students said “I earn over $10 mil? Sweet!”
Explaining tax rates before Reagan to 5th graders: “Imagine if you did chores for your grandma and she gave you $10. When you got home, your parents took $7 from you.” The students said: “That’s not fair!” Even 5th graders get it.
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@realDonaldTrump
NACHO u have taken a shit on our flag & our imperative separation of church & state.
You suck at America.
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@mehdirhasan
Mehdi: Nick can I talk you into plugging my book
Me: Not a chance, guy.
Mehdi: Hear me out.
(I listen.)
Me:
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"To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason...is like administering medicine to the dead"
-Thomas Paine, The American Crisis
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Is there an app for when the president is the crisis
Every American with a cell phone will receive a text message from the president Wednesday. The message is the first ever test of a system which will allow any president to issue a warning about a crisis, such as a missile launch or a tsunami.
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You thought he was dead?
So did the president's enemies.
MACKLIN 🇺🇸
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I’m with you.
“Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.” – Ron Swanson
The Grand Canyon overwhelms our senses through its immense size. Describe your visit to the Grand Canyon. What other parks have left you in awe?
Image: Mather Point at
@GrandCanyonNPS
/W.Tyson
#findyourpark
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Dear
#FargoStreetFair
your crafts are resplendent and winsome but does no one purvey a bratwurst or sone damn curds?
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Well now here is a show with plenty of astonishing creativity from real life crafting champions.
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Friends, if you are digging
@TheLastofUsHBO
you might also enjoy another gorgeous serving of fictional science from Alex Garland
⬇️
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This is amazing. 🍔 😍
Last nights special quarantine episode of Parks and Recreation was like a warm hug from old friends I didn’t know I needed. It was so, so wonderful! I miss those characters and that world! (It’s also cool to see so many of these people are voices on Bob’s, too!
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What a shithole
State inspectors found 15 violations at Mar-a Lago's kitchens in November, including the staff’s failure to track the freshness of potentially hazardous foods.
The club was also cited then for two violations deemed 'high priority,' Miami Herald reports.
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SUCK IT, JERRY
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Stalwarts!
@KellySteward
from Rockford, Illinois, came to see
#AllRise
in Milwaukee, and we recreated the greatest photo ever snapped by human camera snapping.
#Bacon
#Eggs
The internet did a good today ✊🏼🍳
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Oh, sorry,
@realDonaldTrump
- you should drop out. Call me if you want it spoken out loud.
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@realDonaldTrump
one way to begin to appear presidential would be to stop tweeting stupid shit.
#YouSuckAtAmerica
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Well, Chris
@prattprattpratt
, we will likely never again have the privilege of being tweeted by
@ESPN
I salute you, as always, you beefy edifice.
#MacklinForTheWin
#IThoughtYouWereDead
#SoDidThePresidentsEnemies
#MacklinYouSonOfABitch
On This Date: Parks and Rec premiered 10 years ago.
A few seasons later, Ron and Andy coached one of the most controversial youth basketball games we have ever seen.
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Breaking:
@NRA
handed own ass by principled and sexy jongleur
You can show me all the individuals you want. I'm sure they are wonderful people. The NRA's agenda is to sell more guns and stop any meaningful gun safety measures. You are a danger to America. You are a danger to law enforcement.
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Are u insane how are we supposed to be free on only 12 rifles/year
Californians would not be able to buy more than one rifle a month under a new bill approved by state senators
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Folks, I have now looked at too many twitters. I am deeply grateful to all of the stalwart portrayals of Ron Swanson that have appeared on this my rectangle. I’m sure I missed many, but know that your efforts have also added to the poultice upon this hirsute artist’s heart ❤️
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I applaud you.
You might also tie that healthy head of hair into a ponytail for added safekeeping from spinning machine parts 🤓
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love that everybody sticks hand in waistband ✊🏼
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A mewling, perjuring, soft, white boy should be handed only his own ass, and no other seat.
#BelieveChristine
#BelieveWomen
#BelieveSurvivors
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deep work and true
“Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.” 🛠 My nephew is Ron for Halloween 😂😩🥓🍳
#ronswanson
#parksandrec
@Nick_Offerman
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NSFW
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Not sure who these garbage people are but they gleefully exhibit the same barking misogyny as our shitbag president and his slack-jawed progeniture - this is not comedy this is shameful travesty
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Yes Ron Swanson is a Libertarian and no he would not have voted Gary Johnson because he doesn't vote for lightweight goofballs🇺🇸
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Folks, I don’t care what your politics are, corporate interests (guns, pharma, big Ag, etc.) are controlling our lawmakers for their own profits. Just think about that for a second, please and thank you, then get riled FFS 🇺🇸
Breaking News: An NRA lobbyist claimed President Trump had retreated from his embrace of gun control measures after a meeting the president called "great"
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I believe that would be an example of a Knock-Offerman
Just saw a guy that looked like
@Nick_Offerman
. Really hoping his friends call him Nick Offbranderman
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Ok so please do Bannon next?
Fish in a barrel, Lorne.
Politico reports Melissa McCarthy’s impersonation of Sean Spicer was damaging to his standing with Trump
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Heading to
#MarchForOurLives
in this charismatic blouse thanks to
@ChrisAblesArt
#LosAngeles
LET’S DO THIS 🇺🇸
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Well,
@Booker4KY
seems like the right call - the KY farmers I know also prefer his policy ✊🏼
I understand, Amy.
You’re getting nervous about our campaign. But know, people will never forget you are against guaranteeing healthcare as a human right, and you oppose raising the min wage to $15.
Your tweet won’t hit the way your consultants think.
See you on June 23rd.
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I believe that Ron Swanson, were he impossibly reading my rectangle screen, would nod stoically at this righteous smackdown. 🇺🇸
Ok. Fair enough. I will take a *front*-handed swipe at conservatives in America. If you weren’t so cravenly googly-eyed about an ancient and functionally irrelevant pro-musket amendment, you could do what New Zealand just did: ban assault rifles and try to save human lives.
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Sadly you could cast me as this entire conversation 😕
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