Stop saying 'happy anniversary to my partner in crime.' .You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco.

I'm just been selected as the Whitehouse's new Minister Of Snacks.

I've been named Sexiest Man Alive by 'Lobster Skinned Weekly'.

Now that the man who runs this thing is ALSO going to figure out the efficiency of America, I still say DOWN WITH TECH. full special below .

At @standuplive in Phoenix tonight and tomorrow, Nov 8 and 9th, which is tonight and tomorrow. Elon! Before you become Minister Of Driverless Ass Kicking or whatever please send this to people.

If Mike Judge made Idiocracy in 2006 and then voted for it in 2024? I'll fight him.

*Joke about this scene not the universe.

America is now run by the Austin comedy scene. Anyone looking for healthcare will have to line up in an alley behind the mothership and hope their name gets pulled from a bucket.

Being a Canadian in America during an election is like being at a couples house who starts to fight. You have some opinions, but neither of them want to hear them.

Rogan seems to be the only guy who irons his t-shirts and keeps his dress shirts in a pile on the floor.

Undecided Voters. What Are We Doing Here? .

RT @ComedyCellarUSA: - @Nathanmacintosh has had it with the conspiracy theories!!!! . #standup #comedy #nyc #comedycellar #conspiracy https….

Hey, undecided voter here. Seeing the candidates on 'Two Girls Three Mics' and 'The Ding Dong Boys' has helped, but possible to see them compete in the Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest? I know it's a summer thing but please, it's for the country. Thank you!.

Saying things into the darkness in these places coming up. Winnipeg in HALLOWEEN. I mean. man. different material from 'Down With Tech' and 'Money Never Wakes' come out tickets below.

Every time a stand up smokes a cigar in a graphic tee improv becomes a lot cooler.

Hey, I'm an undecided voter. The candidates have been on my favourite podcasts between MeUndies ads, and that's helped, but possible to see their reactions to Amazon deliveries to their door through their Ring Cams? It would be very down to earth and I mean could be funny haha.

Headphones are better than AirPods.

These attorney generals wouldn't be complaining if their videos were doing better. (I'm for this, though).

Willing to bet that the Hawk Tuah lady has never blown a guy.

RT @joshgondelman: I try to be openminded about new stuff, and I've definitely come around on some things I started off skeptical of, but I….

Look, undecided voter here, don't want to rush into anything. Yes, debates, policies, past performances, okay okay but. can I see the candidates go down a water slide? That big one at Typhoon Lagoon? Or be interviewed by a 12 year old on Tik Tok? Maybe ON the slide? Would help.