Natasha Pearl Hansen
@NPHcomedy
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Following
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COMEDY SPECIAL “I Was Supposed To Get Married Today.” Life enthusiast. @rolemodelpod every Tuesday... CEO/Founder @mybreakupfund … legacy acct
Los Angeles, California
Joined September 2010
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Pinned Tweet
Gotta love when someone's kind enough to hold a door for u, but you're still 50 yards from the building so u suddenly have to awkward run.
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@anothercohen
I’m just sayin… you can be excruciating productive without waking up at 4am… Everyone knows their highest functioning times. At 4:30 am I’d literally just waste 3 hrs of vacant mental space simply trying to function…
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I don't have a problem with people who don't eat meat...
But I do have a problem with people who have a problem with ME eating meat.
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In uber.
Tell great joke.
No laugh from driver.
(Maybe they don't speak English?)
Silence.
Driver lands an even better joke.
Fuck.
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"What's your name"
"Natasha Pearl Hansen"
"Aww like Neil Patrick Harris?"
"Yes, but spelled completely different."
"What's your name"
"Sydney"
"Cindy? Or like Australia"
"Australia."
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@ambientaware
@anothercohen
Right?! I despise this mentality that you have to be up before the sun is to “get this done” … I’m an entrepreneur and a creative. Sometimes I get my genius at 1am 😂 in which case I’m not up before 9am and that’s FINE
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Loading up on Meat and Cheese... like us good Midwest folk do.
@Superbowl
time.
#Superbowl
#cheesekini
#meathead
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#JusticeForGeorgeFloyd
When will it stop? How can this keep happening??
We have got to do everything we can to keep another life from being lost because of hate 💔
SIGN THE PETITION. CALL. ACT.
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@stillgray
First thought is just let people live… someone doing something shouldn’t take up anyone’s mental space?
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Trump is very strongly tremendous and very strongly feels tremendously about his tremendous and very strong vocabulary.
#debate
#verystrong
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LOVED supporting my comedian pals tonight
@thelaughfactory
! ☆
@StephenGlickman
@KateQFunny
@thechrisarmy
@brettriley
@TiffanyHaddish
☆
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Countdown to the
@TasteAwards
!
Feb 11th me & my man
@JustinASchwan
receive
@ImagesOfTaste
Award for
#HoneyShower
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Just so we're clear.......
frozen pizza at 2am has zero calories.
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I was gonna go to the gym... but instead I put on active wear and drank vodka on my couch.
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Yo
@boyscouts
- maybe spend less time teaching boys to make fire and more time teaching them to not airdrop photos of penises to women on their flight.
Just a thought.
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I'd like to actually thank all the men in my life for not being creeps. I'm blessed to know guys that don't hurt women. So thank you ❤👏
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There's not a moment more sexy than removing your bra, and having a piece of spaghetti you ate on Tuesday fall out.
(It's Thursday...)
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That moment when you book a huge fitness commercial while drinking a bloody mary...
#SundayFunday
#Fitness
#Comedy
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If you're wearing a face full of glam makeup at a BBQ, I'm probably going to take zero advice from you.
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Go out of your way to make just one person feel special and amazing today. Gotta spread that love ❤
#PrayForOrlando
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You didn't kick anyone of color out of your nightclub Trump? Well Brav-f-ing-oh
@LaughsTVShow
#debates
#debates2016
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Just overheard a mom tell her kid
"Hey! Not in your mouth! "
...my mom should've told me that.
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New rule: no posting pictures of babies until they're done looking gross.
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I don't care if I 'could look better' ... time is precious and I refuse to waste it painting my face.
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Whenever I witness a bad bagger at the grocery store, all I can think is... that person should've played more Tetris.
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I spent 2 weeks in cheese land and somehow lost 3 pounds... so apparently the best diet is happiness and laughter! Love u my family in WI! 😜
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So
#americanairlines
@AmericanAir
just threatened to kick me off my flight for taking a photo of the
@boyscouts
troops who’s airdropping dick pics to the women on the flight.
They would call the police and “remove me from the plane” if I didn’t delete the photo.
Go America.
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Me: Gramma wanna eat at Fudruckers? They have burgers.
Gramma: I don't want a fuckburger.
😂
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The problem w/ gummy vitamins is they're candy.
...and sometimes u come home late ya want some candy...
So u eat a bottle of vitamins.
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A man over 40 on a skateboard wearing Crocs and carrying 2 mocha frappes with whip just happened.
I'm offended.
#america
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I asked a man who was yelling in my front yard if he was OK, and he called me a racist.
We're really gettin places America.
#kindness
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TOMORROW 5/6 get your ass to
@TheInstagrammys
!
6-7pm LIVE
@HollywoodImprov
#LAB
w/
@ryanbroems
&
@thechrisarmy
FREE
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I got a new phone, which is great... but when I type my name it keeps predicting Natasha Pearl Necklace... thanks dirty tech guys 😂
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I was born 32 yrs ago today.
Never tell a woman to be afraid of aging because I AM THE BEST IVE…
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Meathead.
#InternationalBaconDay
#Bacon
#Style
#Vogue
By Natasha Pearl Hansen & Justin Schwan
http://t.co/dfkZgxOCjc
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Nothing starts your weekend off better than being ocularly molested by an old man with a comb-over.
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I just love life. 😎
...and I'm not even drunk!
...yet...
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Before chewing gum in public, please watch yourself do it in the mirror first and make sure it's tolerable.
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Episode 16 of
@rolemodelpod
is here w/
@KristaAllenXO
🙌🏽 we talk how we met on an indie set, about Krista being a runaway, accidentally landing in Hollywood, dating celebs, DUI close calls and relationship fails. DON’T MISS!
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NO lady w/ the binder by the grocery store when I just left the gym & am dripping in sweat - I do NOT want to save the rainforest right now.
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We aren't perfect, but something about getting home late and dumping shredded cheese in my mouth in hunger makes me proud to be an American.
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Drinking red wine (classy) in my underwear (less classy) playing video games (the most classy).
45 mins of free time before bed choices...
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Girl w/binder on street:
"Miss do you have a minute to donate to--"
Me:
"Do you donate to your organization?"
:awkward pause:
Me:
"Bye!"
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#madison
#wisconsin
!!
June 15th I record my comedy special “I Was Supposed To Get Married Today” AT my wedding venue on what would have been my wedding day...
Come be my wedding guest 😜
VIP tix include dinner with me, show and after party.
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To all the ppl who have found offense in my vocal dislike of kale:
Find something better to defend than a vegetable. 🤘😂
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Pumped to finally be performing in BOSTON next month! I'll be starting the wknd off
@improvboston
April 13... get tix!
@redsox
game anyone?
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No matter how successful I am in life, there's 1 thing I'll never be able to do:
prevent my hair from collecting in my buttcrack post-shower
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When a man walks out from behind a building adjusting his belt, 1 of 3 things just happened:
Public urination
Alley Sex
OR penis graffiti...
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(Home in WI...woke up late fot my mom's birthday...)
Me: Gramma, why didn't you wake me up?
Gramma: Ain't my damn job! God wakes ya up.
😂😂
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Dear A-List Celebrities in hair color commercials:
Please stop acting like you box-dye your hair at home.
Cheers,
NPH
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I've heard some pretty gnarly noises in my day... but, pretty sure a man with dentures eating a peach just took the cake.
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It's impossible to trust a personal trainer who's wearing foundation.
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A little motivation for your Humpday 😜
.
#wcw
goes out to all my ladies pep-talkin in the mirror today 😂
.
🎶outtake from our pilot last yr🎬
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I challenge you to
#creedinthewild
this week.
(Sing a creed song somewhere in the wilderness).
...you're welcome in advance...
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It hurts my soul when a man looks better than me in skinny jeans.
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Called my Grams this AM.
She said "Pray for me. Today's gonna be a hard day. I have to drive your mom to get her eyeliner tattooed on."
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I work my ass off at everything I do.
Even when I watch TV I watch it reallll fuckin hard...
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My new podcast IS HERE!!
@rolemodelpod
~ available on
@iTunes
👉🏾
Also available on
@SoundCloud
@Stitcher
&
@GooglePlay
Listen. Have fun. Review. Be kind 😜🍻
@comedypopup
#comedy
#podcast
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Follow me on Snapchat
@NPHcomedy
... Me and my neighbors are solving missing person case and need help in this conspiracy.... !!!!
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I have had tiny penis straws from a photo shoot in my purse for 3 wks now... I am literally carrying around a bag of dicks.
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THIS FRIDAY 5/6
@HollywoodImprov
#LAB
come play
@HollywoodInsta_GrammysLive
with me &
@ryanbroems
. LIVE!! 😎
#comedy
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A lady in a 'Squad Goals' shirt was walking an obese dog and her man was wearing pleated khakis.
Can someone explain squad goals to her?!
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I may look fine on the outside, but secretly, I'm dealing with quite the wedgie.
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The only thing I'm prejudice against is fitted sheets.
So pompous with their stupid elastic corners...
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A little beach throwback for my pals in the frozen tundra... I'll see you in Wisconsin in a week!
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If you're going to drive like an asshole, do us all a favor and remove the Jesus Fish from your car.
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Me: Gramma careful driving 2day there's black ice.
Gram: both my husbands were black & they were excellent drivers!
Me: Gramma. Black. Ice.
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I think when you're bank account gets frauded, the bank should provide u that person's information so u can go to their house...& slap them.
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Hey! I’m Natasha Pearl Hansen. I’m 35 years old. I weigh 124lbs. I’m not afraid to talk about any of these things . Nor should anyone else be 😜
k glad we had this chat. Come see me perform and I’ll answer all your…
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Grandma: "I hate basketball."
Me: "Why?"
Granmda: "Them damn squeeky shoes!!"
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I encouraged my widowed Grandma to go to a widows club.
She called me today and said "I hated it. Never going back. They're all f*in old."
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Requirements for my wedding:
- no dresses
- 5 day event
- jet skis
- a roast instead of a rehearsal dinner
- cheese
Any planners out there?
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At the
#EaglesvsRams
game...
It’s basically just the worst diets in the country vs the most annoying ones.
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[Dad outside gardening... ]
Dad (yells): Carmen! I need a hoe.
Mom : Whatchoo need me fo ?!
#mom
#humor
#Midwest
#happymothersday
#1999
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I spend about $600 a month these days in groceries for just myself.
15 % of that is booze and 79% is bananas that go bad in 3 hours...
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Me and my fiancé CRUSHED
#halloween
this year:
#venusdemilo
#discobolus
#halloweencostume
#couplescostume
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Things 2020 have taught me:
My “workout clothes” have become my “leaving the house” clothes...
And the “random shit I sleep in” has become my workout clothes...
There are no “real clothes” anymore.
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I’m gonna do everything I’ve ever wanted to do. Because I decided I would.
🤘🏾
#EuropeTour
here I come
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Cheers to
@VirginAmerica
and your hot flight attendant uniforms...
Do you sell them online?... asking for a friend.....
Thxxx
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Being in a relationship for 7yrs, I don’t get to be nervous or excited for “dates” anymore...
...but tonight we had a DOUBLE date w/ another couple and I was all “will I like the other girlfriend? Will she suck?! Ahhhhh!”
...She was awesome.
I’ll take a second dbl date 😂
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I refuse to fail at anything that I do.
...I also refuse to remove vodka from my diet. 🍸
#HappyHumpDay
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2 life goals:
No tattoos of another person's face on the back of my head.
...ok just one life goal...
#DodgerStadium
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TONIGHT!
#HansenComedyNight
Opens 7-10p
@busbyseast
!
by myself &
@thebrianahansen
DON'T MISS
@miraclemilela
@LA_now
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TOMORROW
@ryanbroems
& I hit the
@HollywoodImprov
again with
@TheInstagrammys
6-7pm W/
@JustinisFunny
&
@StonerRob
!
Tomorrow 6p
@TheInstagrammys
podcast returns with
@JustinisFunny
&
@StonerRob
!
#FREE
entry and swag!
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