James May
@MrJamesMay
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Joined November 2009
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Hope dwindles for Grand Tour presenters abandoned in safari horror.
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On this day in 1960, the Enlightenment was brought to a close with the birth of
@JeremyClarkson
.
🎂 < gift
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RIP Ken Block, with thanks for some hilarious days out. Here’s the airfield drifting piece from years back.
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I’ve tried to be open minded and all that, but this X business is a bit bollocks, isn’t it?
It seems deliberately vague and therefore slightly oppressive. The little bird was much more, um, uplifting. Am I alone?
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Just realised it’s Jeremy Clarkson’s birthday. Happy birthday.
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When have you seen me wearing a baseball cap?
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I’ve just been mistaken for Richard Hammond.
He really doesn’t deserve this.
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I never thought car makers should be at the ‘Ring, but I always thought Sabine Schmitz should, and would, be. Rotten news.
#RIP
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BREAKING
Grand tour presenters MAROONED in Botswana wildlife paradise following cancellation of BA flight home. Updates to follow.
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I have bad news…
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Reporters outside my house: if you're going to hang around on small streets with your car engines idling all day, don't buy a bloody diesel.
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This is difficult.
I have been researching the subject for at least five years. The results of my experiments are entirely empirical. I am not sponsored; I have no commercial or political affiliations. My conclusions are scientifically rigorous.
Oven chips are shite.
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Please join me in wishing Richard Hammond (b. 1969) a very happy 37th birthday.
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Jeremy Clarkson is not a racist. He is a monumental bellend and many other things, but not a racist. I wouldn't work with one.
#ThatIsAll
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Good news! There’s a new GT coming soon. In the meantime, I thought this was a bit harsh.
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Congratulations Italy. But our Fiat Panda is going in the river.
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It’s on Amazon.
@MrJamesMay
just saw Netflix Our Man in India for all 10 minutes. You pretentious, condescending, dumb c!nt
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Here is the new Grand Tour ‘trailer’. Odd name for it, as it goes in front of the car show.
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Happy birthday to a great friend, the wonderful Richard Hammond; a constant companion over two decades of adventure and a true comrade.
(Re-reads to check spelling etc)
On second thoughts, he can sod right off.
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Congratulations to Richard Hammond on making it to the semi-finals of Global Bellend 2016.
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Good news! I've got a job with
@AmazonVideoUK
. Bad news! So have the other two.
#AmazonPrime
#ItSaysHere
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Thank you for all your birthday wishes/crap jokes/sod offs. It is very comforting at this difficult time.
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On Sunday evenings I often have an Indian. Here’s one I made myself. I’d be delighted if you tried it.
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And now, on the way back home, I’ve been mistaken for Jeremy Clarkson, even though I was quite clearly riding a bicycle successfully.
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Only just discovered that someone managed to shrink Clarkson's head.
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A merry Christmas one and all. And if you don’t do Christmas, be happy anyway, always.
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I realise that my face has appeared in a number of scam posts about crypto currencies and retirement planning. It’s all balls, obviously, but, since I’m here, my genuine financial advice is to say ‘bollocks to it’, and go to the pub.
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Good newwwws.
A Dacia Sandero (yes, you read correctly) will make its competitive debut at next week's Rallye Monte Carlo
Read More:
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Porn bots: we’re looking at Airfix box art. Why would we be interested?
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UPDATE
Stranded Grand Tour presenters channel ancient foraging instincts to stay alive until lunch.
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@elonmusk
I love when people complain about people complaining about Twitter on Twitter on Twitter.
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Thanks for all your kind comments about Top Gear last night. To be honest, I was expecting more shit about that jacket.
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Thanks for all your birthday wishes and insults. Sadly I’m unable to sod off owing to the ‘current situation’.
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Grass snake in the garden. At least, we think it’s a grass snake. Anyone know?
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A mate of mine was looking for a WWII documentary on Netflix and noticed this. Even I think this is a bit strong.
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And yet…
The reason you are elected and enjoy the privilege of expressing this view is because many men and women of this country spoke out, and acted, on things they thought wrong.
It’s society, it’s a work in progress, and the process must be allowed to continue.
Not My King?
If you do not wish to live in a country that has a monarchy the solution is not to turn up with your silly boards.
The solution is to emigrate.
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I have successfully applied for my over-60s bus and tube pass. Pretty impressive, old person using the internet, etc etc.
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Now that Sand Job is out I can make the formal announcement that, I imagine, many of you have been expecting.
Yes, my Maser was the best looking by a desert mile. Deal with it.
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Thanks to the incompetence of British Airways we’ve had to endure a sunset safari with gin and tonics and meerkats.
#Unacceptable
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Art historians are desperately trying to piece back together Michelangelo's Fuckwit.
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Who, the bloody hell, puts the milk in the bowl first and then the cornflakes?
Just seen this happen and it disturbed me.
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Thanks for all the kind birthday wishes. Just to confirm: I have, as usual, sodded right off.
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It seems
@JeremyClarkson
is also appearing in these scam ads. He, too, is not really dispensing fiscal advice. And shouldn’t.
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LATEST
Staff/guest ratio ‘as low as 40:1’ in hell-hole safari lodge where GT presenters have been abandoned by their crew. Cheese has arrived.
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Thank you for all your kind comments and funny jokes re my crash, but it was a while back, not that bad, and I’m perfectly OK.
Apologies to Evo fans for binning the VIII.
#Bellend
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I'm really looking forward to watching Top Gear without knowing what happens in the end.
#NoSpoilerAlert
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Save Clarkson? Save empty cardboard boxes and off-cuts of string. They're far more useful.
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I’ve been left alone in the house for the last 48 hours and I’ve lived entirely on toast.
I am only a man.
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Some people have helpfully pointed out that there’s a horse’s arse in my picture of Jeremy Clarkson. I never noticed. Any suggestion that I deliberately framed the picture to include Jeremy Clarkson and a horse’s arse is utterly scurrilous.
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It's pointing into a field, which is where he generally ends up.
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Good luck to the new Top Gear trying to fit so many presenters in their studio.
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Could all businesses and organisations please stop asking for feedback on absobloodylutely everything. It’s excruciatingly boring and utterly meaningless.
Was this tweet useful?
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Can anyone explain why it’s OK to leave horseshit on the road? Dog owners are expected to clear up, and so would I be. There’s Dobbin plop on the racing line at Wellington Arch.
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Thank you to everyone who's been kind about our new car drama. We're flattered. And relieved.
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For anyone tired of slickly presented and authoritative food shows, Oh Cook! (2) comes out, half baked, on 24th May.
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If you’re an Indian auto rickshaw driver, especially one from Delhi, then please don’t take this the wrong way, because I realise it could seem most disrespectful, although I assure you that it definitely isn’t intended as such, but you’re all lunatics.
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Look between Q and M on your keyboard.
All the letters you need to write ‘Piss off’.
#Yawnsville
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@existentialsoda
@4golfonline
@Ferndown_Forest
@JeremyClarkson
Suggesting that we’re shoplifters is bad enough. Suggesting that we play golf is a heinous slur.
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RIP Murray Walker, one of the great voices of my youth. I hope he would want someone to say that he’s interrupted himself, again.
#HereComesWinkelhock
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A happy Christmas (or just general non-specific happiness) to my brothers and my sisters, all over this world.
#Happy
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Looking at these faces again, I'm amazed we weren't given a radio show.
http://t.co/xlgSgA8nc1
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On January 5th you will be able to watch me in India on
@primevideouk
- and you should*.
Here is the ‘trailer’.
*Please.
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Can we stop all this ‘Christmas is cancelled’ stuff please? It’s spoiling Christmas.
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So; it's been a week, and still no answer. How exactly do you pronounce 'fracas'?
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If you unsubscribe from an internet mailing list but continue to receive emails, then the directors and shareholders of the business concerned should go to prison for 10 years.
#MaysBritain
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