milo edwards
@Milo_Edwards
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comedian, podcaster + dumb online guy | hosts: @trashfuturepod , @mastersofpod , @gluepodcast | come see me live ⬇️⬇️
the internet
Joined May 2009
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LONDON - a bunch of work-in-progress performances are now on sale for my new show 'How Revolting! Sorry to Offend' and tickets are CHEAP and LIMITED (link in thread)
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a woman just got on the subway yelling into her phone “listen BITCH you told him i was a DRUG ADDICT-“
and then was abruptly cut off by a mariachi band boarding the train playing feliz navidad. one of the greatest comedic set pieces i’ve ever seen. no notes 10/10.
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there has never been anything more british than a millionaire tory eel farmer accidentally putting himself out of business by voting for brexit
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volunteered to cook christmas dinner for 10 ppl at my gf’s mum’s unaware of some key details such as she only owns one frying pan and it’s encrusted with fossilised remains of long departed sausages. i just moved an 8kg turkey using 2 table forks and a spoon. this is my dunkirk.
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2 hours of 4 guys in a tube talking about cryptocurrency followed by a cut to black
A film about the OceanGate Titan submersible incident is in the works.
(Source: Deadline)
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every ad in london is like “hey bestie we live in hell haha buy this coffee 💕”
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imagining a british porn bot replying to tweets like
M Y M I N G E I N B I O
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[south africa presenting 15 tiktoks in a row of israeli soldiers saying “haha we’re committing a genocide 🤪”]
british barrister being paid $10,000 a day to defend israel: your honour the 9:16 aspect ratio is not admissible in court
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my gf texted to ask if i could bring some tools over to build garden furniture, so i asked her what tools they already had and she sent me this image:
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eu: we need boots on the ground - everyone must contribute
estonia: 2 boots
Estonia will send ONE soldier to protect ships from Houthi attacks as part of new EU military operation in Red sea
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this is some of the most powerful britainology i have ever encountered - it’s like what if the dumbest guy in your hometown got to design the stanford prison experiment
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the transition of libertarian guys from pretending they’re gonna 3d print a gun and overthrow the govt to calling the cops about having their imaginary ape stolen is awesome
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i’m in paris and what i’ll say is you’re never prepared for quite how french the french are -
no more than 5 minutes have i been sat outside this cafe eating lunch when a kind of nice-with-it 50 year old woman walking a pomeranian in a beret ambles past and says “bon appetit”
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trying to imagine a british version of this where adele starts dating luke shaw and they’re all watching the fa cup final with a 23-shaped bowl full of mini cheddars
Uh oh. Taylor Swift Super Bowl parties. Will you attend?
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this is a perfect demonstration of how russian and american conservatives have the exact same mentality lmao
More fallout from Apple's decision to stop selling its products in Russia
"Here's our response to American sanctions! We don't fear you! We'll live without your nice 'pretty' things!"
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never thought i’d live to see the british government outflanked economically to the left by the ceo of shell
The CEO of Shell has called on the government to tax oil and gas companies in order to protect the poorest people in society from soaring energy costs
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bernie sanders: i have a series of radical policies which will transform our society for the better
libs: [booing]
rich person: i am rich
libs: [cheering]
rich person: i am also racist
libs: [teary eyed] this man will restore faith in politics
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i can’t even make sense of what the conspiracy whackos are on about anymore - guys will see regular archaeology and be like “ah yes proof at last!!” proof of what mate, a fucken mole civilisation?
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*3 weeks ago*
right wing press: the left are destroying civility in british politics by pouring milk on tommy robinson!
*today*
right wing press: whomst among us has not choked a woman at a work event?
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what’s the most deranged discourse you reckon you could get at least 5 people on here to go along with? for me i reckon it’s “acab includes paramedics”
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i was trying to explain what a capybara was to my gf’s french aunt last night, so googled “french for capybara” and the first thing that came up was this image:
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say what you like about the metaverse but to be fair it looks like absolute shit
I interviewed Facebook’s Nick Clegg somewhere where you can’t catch Covid - the metaverse
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absolutely losing it at this dutch pro-palestine protester giving an interview while being dragged out of the building by the ankles
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i’ve seen some shit in boujis london pubs but the crowning glory has to be this faux rust-effect dyson airblade
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this website is basically a lottery you can only lose - endless people with 200 followers, posting daily for 3 faves and then finally accidentally pushing the right button and getting ratio’d into oblivion for 24h by people they’ve never met and who’ll never think of them again
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i got talking to one of australia’s perfect himbos in a bar in south london last night and he said to me “yeah i mean, i’m here for a short time not a long time right!” and i don’t think i’ve ever seen such a confusing misunderstanding of a phrase
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hang on people in america were taking 3h connecting flights when you could get a 90min direct train????
I hadn’t seen the “take the train” Google feature before…
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exciting things ahead for relative unknown malia obama!!
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[the year 2030: former president donald trump and rachel maddow share a gigantic 2ft long hot dog while they watch a monster truck rally]
liberals: this is exactly the kind of statesman-like behaviour president logan paul will never be capable of. for shame.
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a hard right government in argentina? a desperate tory government in the uk miles behind in the poll and staring down the barrel of a general election?
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she waited for the band to finish and then yelled “BITCH you live in a roach infested house” i couldn’t breathe
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every advert in london is like this now. say what you will about al-qaeda but they kept us on our toes a bit more
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this is the only political struggle i care about now sorry
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I disagree with the plans to shorten the line by 98.6%, it is contrary to the spirit of the project - they should keep the 170km length and *narrow* it by 98.6%
Saudi cuts back NEOM desert city plans by 98.6 percent
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honestly wasn’t prepared for this
‘How good can his gull impression really be?’ I thought to myself. Then he changed my world entirely
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andrew tate is in training to become the coolest 9 year old at a regional primary school
I have been locked in my house to perfect the 7 styles of WUDAN.
Join me in the fight against the Matrix:
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m night shyamalan style twist at the end of this wikipedia excerpt
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as most of you know i am a scholar of
@theJeremyVine
on radio 2 and believe me when i say this is the single best thing i have *ever* heard on there:
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never write jedward off - you forget about them for a while and then, bang - john's psychic abilities were activated immediately before a minor bus crash
Trust your instincts! We were sitting on the top of the bus and John felt like we should move downstairs and the bus crashed into the train station! everyone is ok thank god but what a close call.
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to give priti patel her due: if she does manage to get sacked for workplace bullying, it'll still be an improvement on last time, when she was sacked for treason
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reader i was hooting. i was hollering. i had to turn away and laugh into my hat.
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what i love about this is that it makes it sound slightly like the russians invaded specifically to stop his concert
Canceled comedian Louis CK to perform in Kyiv despite Russian invasion
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acceptable adult vape flavours:
- hummus
- shepherd’s pie
- corned beef
- tapenade
- tax return
"If you are an adult, are you really going to be buying bubblegum-flavoured vape?"
Labour MP Stella Creasy tells
#PoliticsLive
there's a "public health challenge" surrounding children and vaping
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men will literally be buried with 8,000 terracotta soldiers instead of going to therapy
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roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
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lmao imagine how racist you have to be to get BANNED from AUSTRALIA
Milo banned from entering Australia. Equivalent of Chinese social credit system being implemented worldwide. Dark times.
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just learned that australians call the salvation army “the salvos”
The Salvos help millions of Australians every year with food, accommodation and services – proud to take part in their 2023 Red Shield Appeal.
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right wing cartoonists were all cursed by a witch to constantly parody leftism but always accidentally make it look badass
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never been more confused by a cigarette warning - am…am i the rat??
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[removing the entire bottom row of jenga blocks first, instantly collapsing the tower]
elon musk: hmm interesting
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i have absolutely no idea what this could entail but i WILL be going
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we’ve managed it lads, even if at one point i asked for a ladle and was presented with a sieve (the perfect philosophical opposite of a ladle)
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socialism would have just sent him there
Capitalism, not socialism, sent Jeff Bezos to space and back today.
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whenever someone wins an award for political cartoons, you look at them and they’re all like the prime minister drinking from a petrol pump labelled “big oil profits” while a donkey labelled “the deficit” is crying behind him
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just had a long phone call with a friend in st petersburg - she narrowly escaped being arrested at a protest today and i think it’s worth remembering how scared many russians are, both of being arrested for resisting the war and that they or their relatives might be sent to fight
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walking into the sea and ending it all could save me up to £45 a month on my phone bill according to new report
Royal Mail could save £650m by switching to three-day-a week service, says Ofcom
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it’s very funny to imply you’re smart by playing chess when we all know garry kasparov was a chess grandmaster and is also one of the dumbest motherfuckers alive
My dad taught me how to play chess at the age of 7 and since then I've had the chess bug.
Chess has taught me so many things which are useful in politics from being strategic to giving me that competitive streak.
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in a pizza place my gf just asked the waitress if she could have the 8 cheese pizza with a tomato base and she said she had to ask the kitchen. anyway, she came back and said “i’m afraid that would be impossible” and we cannot stop laughing
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i think, in a crowded field, jamie oliver might just be a dark horse contender for the most dislikable man britain has produced in the last 50 years
"Boris, this ain’t alright.”
Chef
@jamieoliver
tells
@krishgm
why he's calling on people to protest outside Number 10 with an Eton mess pudding if the government doesn’t reverse its decision to delay a ban on multi-buy offers on junk food.
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it’s absolutely the most london thing ever that even city hall has been gentrified out of its own neighbourhood
Sadiq Khan proposes moving City Hall to east London to cut costs
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imagine being a wasp and waking up to this shit 😤
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never in the field of christmas dinner has so much been owed by so many to so few utensils
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highlight of my christmas was absolutely my cousin’s polish wife being genuinely quite annoyed that i’d split up with my hungarian ex as it was depriving her of the chance to build a sort of eastern european axis in the family
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the british public are absolutely furious with themselves about how they’ve handled the pandemic. they’ve really let down the government.
Who Britons hold most responsible for the rise in coronavirus cases over the last month:
The public: 51%
The government: 31%
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she was wearing the beret not the pomeranian, but this would also not be impossible
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it's so cool that us senators have started dying in office like they're the pope. there will now be a senatorial conclave to elect a new dianne feinstein.
BREAKING: Sen. Dianne Feinstein, a trailblazer in U.S. politics and the longest-serving woman in the Senate, has died at 90.
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the funniest report i’ve read so far and hope is true is that the kremlin ordered the regular fsb border guards to deny the wagner column entry to russia and they replied that this would be “unrealistic”
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why is it every photo of prince philip they release to prove he’s alive only makes me more convinced he’s dead?
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i know we've all had our fun over the years laughing at insane ukrainian nationalists, me especially, but you really *cannot* edgelord your way through a completely unjustified invasion in which ukrainian civilians are going to die
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i have eaten lunch and find myself overcome with the urge to smoke 8-12 cigarettes
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube - i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
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it’ll be sad to see all these eels released into the thames where they will surely develop devastating cocaine habits
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i’m sorry but this country is not fucking real. i am a britain truther now.
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no harriet, a gathering of drug dealers would technically be for the purposes of work so would be exempt under the rules
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the platonic form of the british tv debate is a subject matter expert making a reasoned case for doing something and their opponent, an idiot chosen by a random ballot similar to jury service, saying 'nah that's bollocks'
Should the Morning After Pill be available on general sale?
Here's both sides of the argument with NHS doctor
@SoniaAdesara
and freelance journalist
@llggeorgia
#KayBurley
FC
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j.k. rowling’s pr person solemnly opening a manila envelope labelled “terf meltdown”, retrieving 3 fake passports and $10,000 in used bills and quietly going to start a new life in venezuela
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if the queen dies right now i think there is a non-zero chance that a slapstick version of "mad max: fury road" will happen to britain
Britain's Queen Elizabeth accepts medical advice to rest for a few days, canceling a planned visit to Northern Ireland
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it really is a testament to how funny trump was that biden isn’t considered the funniest president of all time
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you can understand all american politics by internalising that the republicans make bad things happen and the democrats make sure good things don’t happen
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please don't post pictures of people in england shirts, you're effectively doxxing them to the police for a criminal offence (being english)
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the collapsing concrete schools thing is the perfect british scandal because it manages to combine all of our great national traditions: inept politicians, public sector cost-cutting, cowboy builders and a hatred of anyone under 25
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this was the bad boy in question (glazed with cumin, honey and soy sauce)
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next the capitalists will have you believing that russia was the largest constituent member of the ussr and that it ran the entire union from moscow and enforced russian as the state language but you’ll have to get up pretty early to fool me!!
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this sequence of events is inconceivable to the anglo mind
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me, looking at a combined energy, economic and housing crisis that is a vindication of jeremy corbyn’s entire economic platform: it really goes to show how jeremy corbyn would have been just as bad
Truss and Corbyn are two sides of the same coin.
Everyone can see that the project is doomed, they’re heading for electoral annihilation, and damaging the party brand.
Everyone but the true believers, who think the public are wrong and that they will eventually be proven right.
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britain right now is possibly the only country on earth where you can experience a new once in a generation economic event every single day 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧
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eels! fucking EELS - this is too on the nose, the matrix is malfunctioning again
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honestly one of the funniest gigs for a lawyer, pretend to not understand anything that’s happening for a suitcase full of money
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i don’t understand what level of american you have to be to be shocked by the concept of pie and mash
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seeing a lot of anti-storm rhetoric on here but would it really be so bad to be carried off by a strong wind? just borne off into the heavens by a gust never to be seen again?
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fascinated by the slice of british society who think hanging is too good for environmental protestors but restricting your ability to own the dog that kills you instantly is fascism
I went to the XL Bully protest in central London today.
Video for
@PoliticsJOE_UK
incoming
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russia is a country with very complex politics that usually don't map onto our own, but one thing i can say about russians is they absolutely, to a man, with a burning passion, hate the fucking cops
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the energy companies have looked into it and regret to inform us they will have to keep charging us a fortune forever
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i'm sorry to remind you all that we live in the most cursed possible timeline:
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BREAKING: Metropolitan Police acted "in a measured and proportionate way" at Sarah Everard's vigil, according to a report by police watchdog HMIC, despite widespread anger at the images of women being arrested.
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