Mhairi McFarlane
@MhairiMcF
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📚romantic comedy 'You Belong With Me' is out in June 2024 and there are nine others, because I decided to spoil you 🍏📺 writers room Slow Horses season 5
Joined February 2009
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The fact is your father & I are together and it’s about time you got used to it
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I’ve said it before but apparently I need to repeat myself: how can camping be a holiday when it’s worse than normal life
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Are you even a British female if you've never handed someone a large bag of opened crisps and said: 'Take these away from me'
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Why is there so much pressure in this country to have a sensible breakfast that looks like kibble when in France they put a chocolate bar inside 2 slices of white bread & have a fag
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Is there anything worse than going round to a friend’s for a takeaway & them revealing they’ve ‘decided to cook’. Implicit in my agreement to this deal was lamb boti & tarka dahl cooked off site. Not your unsanctioned spin on butternut squash. You have shat on the social contract
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‘Happy 95th birthday Marilyn Monroe!’ SHE IS NOT 95 SHE IS DEAD THIS IS NOT HOW AGEING WORKS
��Have a big one Ghenghis Khan, 862 today’
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My friend Steve is getting a kitten & he let his 10 year old son name it, and he chose 'Steve.' Every time I think about it I start laughing again. Hi have you met my cat, he is also called Steve
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Gogglebox but with all the different households of the Royal family watching The Crown. Come on we’ve paid them enough & it’s a lockdown
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A man on the Mail Online has got 705 Likes for saying he’s going to sacrifice trifle to be racist.
#2020
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When I get asked 'did any personal trauma inform your writing' I explain how I was once seated on a Ryanair flight to Pisa next to lads from Durham who called themselves "The Seshwari Naans"
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Brexit was one thing, but after this week, I think it's fair to say none of us should give Tim Wetherspoons another fucking penny.
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Twitter plz help. I chased a girl who dropped these, running towards Nottingham train station & I *think* she in purple knitted hat. If she sees this, I’ll get them back to her. Related, god I’m unfit 😆🥵
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Keir Starmer has called for a lockdown so if I’ve got official procedure right that means Boris Johnson will call him a ‘dismal doomy frobscottler’, then to his immense & regretful surprise, announce one on Tuesday
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My favourite male habit is when you say you don't like a band & you get riposted: 'Oh but you have you seen them *live*?'
yes Dave I dropped £100 to see a band I don't like at the O2 to win this argument
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How a lot of relationships feel
JUST FOUND OUT I'VE BEEN WATERING A FAKE PLANT FOR FOUR FUCKING MONTHS.
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Still laughing at a friend at Slimming World class being told they could have fish & chips ‘if you pick the batter off the fish & don’t have any chips’
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If exercise helps stress & mental health, why are P.E. teachers the worst people on earth
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My dad ‘a THIRD Prosecco?!’
Me ‘Live fast die young leave a beautiful corpse’
My dad ‘A few of those ships have sailed’
OMG
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I don’t want nudity in a Jane Austen adaptation. It’s like going to Claridges for afternoon tea & a waiter serving you a cream scone with his dick out
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Now when I try to listen to The Smiths I just find myself siding with whoever has upset Morrissey. Teachers thrashed you eh? *Team Teachers*
*Team the Queen*
*Team Ten Ton Truck*
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Is it me or does this look like a trap laid by a clown with a knife
So proud to be one of the first at the grand unveiling of the new/old entrance to the city
#Nottingham
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"Hi, I thought it was easier to just ring you" - psychopaths, everywhere
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So many ‘reviews of my decade’ full of photos of sitting on camels, learning yoga, getting married, changing careers, smashing targets. Over achieving fuckers. I’ve got a cat
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Me ‘I feel ill’
My dad ‘oh no! Shall I fetch you some Ibuprofen! A cushion? A cool drink?’
Me ‘yes plz’
My Bf ‘Don’t pander to her Craig she is hungover after a shipping tanker of red wine & deserves nothing but our judgement’
Dad ‘MHAIRI IS THIS TRUE’
Me - ffs
Stay single lads
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I just said of my snacking - ‘the secret chocolate drawer’s getting a hammering’ and yes on reflection it was unfortunate phrasing
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Police are stopping people buying Easter chocolate as ‘non essential’?! They’ll take my Mini Eggs out of my cold dead Prosecco claws. I didn’t die in the Falklands for this shit
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Nervous about what to wear to a do tonight & wise friend counselled ‘something black & all the make up.’ It’s never the wrong call is it? Dress like a mistress attending the funeral against the wishes of the family
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Fred West: 'I had many nice BBQs on that patio but no one talks about that, do they'
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I just feel Question Time could serve more useful purposes than demonstrating why Billie Piper got divorced
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I just took my heels off to run the length of St Pancras concourse, only to miss my train. I write this shit in books I don’t expect to actually have to fuckin live it
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Time to address bar-cafe bastardisation of fish finger sandwiches. They require workable breaded flat oblongs in soft sliced. The structure is fucked with 3 nubbly mini cod in batters, clapped in slices of sourdough the size of surf boards. & no mayo or Satan’s leaf, rocket, plz
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I’ve never hated a Govt more in my lifetime. Genuinely despicable people.
“I can’t see why you’re laughing” says Andrew Marr to Home Secretary Priti Patel as she smirks whilst he reads out the manufacturing industries dire warnings on her Government’s Brexit proposals
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There’s a lot of uncertainty & upheaval in this awful world but I can always be sure that if a Facebook post designed to be copied & shared concludes with: ‘let’s see who takes the time,’ I will not be taking the time
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Remain absolutely furious that I was two years old when Harrison Ford looked like this. I’d have been on it like Yoda on Luke in the Dagobah swamp
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Damning a romantic comedy as ‘predictable’ because it has a romantic ending is like complaining a restaurant was boring because they showed you a dessert menu at the end of a meal
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"it's a head scratcher and no mistake. We'll have some more meetings in the autumn and really kick the ball around the park. All views welcome! I'll ask Sue if the larger meeting room with the whiteboard is free. Have a lovely summer everyone!"
Jeremy Corbyn says Labour will consult with party members, affiliates and trade unions on Brexit and "will bring the issue back to conference in September".
"We're listening very carefully to what everyone has to say on this subject."
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You'll have seen this link many times today no doubt, but if I get just one more person to read this phenomenal bit of writing by
@Terri_White
, then I do not tweet in vain:
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Dear Radiohead I greatly admire your response to blackmail to release the stolen demos of OK Computer but did you consider those of us with boyfriends who would buy them & play it
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I know cat love isn’t an original sentiment online but my cat cost me about £70, 16 years ago & he remains my best investment
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Things that have no moral dimension or bearing on anyone’s character, despite people constantly acting like they do:
1) how much exercise you take
2) what time you get up
3) how much time you spend online
4) cakes and general patisserie goods
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Just remembered my favourite ever line in Frasier, on his first wife: ‘If I knew then what I know now I’d have walked down the aisle with the ice sculpture and had her stand by the buffet to keep the shrimp cold’
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A friend ate at a Chinese restaurant and the waiter didn't know they had a native speaker among their group, who was able to translate the waiter's help with the menu as "Hurry up you pear faced whore"
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friends, I DID ANOTHER ONE. (Book.) It's about love, loss, keeping difficult secrets & the emotional rollercoaster of a pub quiz. It's a romantic comedy, but it might also make you cry. Some pre order links for UK & USA!
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Imagine if you didn’t drink alcohol and had to attribute all your mistakes to your personality
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Things That Don't Happen When You Hit 40, Despite Endless Warnings:
sudden wrinkly crone face, your last fuckable day, turning invisible
Things That Do Happen When You Hit 40, Despite No Warnings:
becoming crushingly aware of your mortality & that of everyone you love
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Me trying to perform any practical task no matter how minor
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If you want to know how pandemic chic is going, I cut myself with razor when shaving my legs & had no plasters so I’m walking round with 1 pyjama leg rolled up & a sanitary towel sellotaped to my knee. Orderly queue, Hemsworth brothers.
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My friend told his 84 year old mum that Tom Cruise has been seen filming near where she lives in Matlock. She said: ‘The jumped up little twat. Who does he think he is?’
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Adulthood mainly involves suggesting dates in WhatsApp groups until someone can't do that date, and then you return to the start of the process
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A friend has called this look of mine Buckfast At Tiffany’s and fuck it if don’t have a memoir title now
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Just read Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones was based on Keir Starmer and now I might die from wanking. Inquest coroner: ‘Sadly I must record a verdict of intentional death from wanking’
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me: *worries about a problem*
brain: oh we doing problems? I've also got a related concern, a stressful hypothetical, a thing you can't influence at all & a massive fret for the future
me: I only wanted to worry about this one thing!
brain: sorry I can only do you packs of 8
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There should be a German word for the agony of realising the dress you’ve just fallen in love with is in fact a culottes pantsuit
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The man installing the radiators has started to do small odd jobs & other DIY fixes around the house because "might as well while I'm here" and I'd like to announce my engagement to be married
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Not saying I’m your embarrassing auntie but today I referred to Hilary Mantel’s Toad Hall
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So installing the NHS app isn't mandatory but if you are conscientious and have it and it pings and tells you to isolate you're supposed to do your prison porridge? This system of punishing the responsible but telling everyone else to fill their boots, is flawless
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@robpalkwriter
If I could only date with a ‘morning routine’ then check me into the nunhouse now. Going to nun it up
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I remember Paul Eddington, before he died in 1995, saying he wanted his epitaph to be ‘he didn’t harm anyone, & that is a difficult thing to do.’ When I was younger I thought it sounded a bit low ambition. In 2019, in my forties, I finally understand him.
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A man has just come up to me & said ‘I hope you don’t mind me saying this but my late wife would’ve loved your dress’ 😭
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It's always an exciting if strange day when a book is finally released into the wild, & today is that day for me. I think Mad About You has some of my best writing in it - rom com, but with some dark themes. I so hope if you buy it, you enjoy it! 🧡🤍🔑
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*air horn* I wrote a new book, it's called Last Night & here is the cover! 🎊
And some links, in case you'd like to pre order for April:
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So my next one, Mad About You, comes out in April & looks like THIS. A story of vengeful exes and the two sides to every story, with some dubious jokes and scenes of extreme flirting. Preorder here, if you're inclined!
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This fully looks like a carefrontation. ‘It’s fine, I mean ok, so you threw a beef & ale cobbler at a wall and shouted fuck your knackers. Forget that, Quentin will get over it. It’s you we’re worried about’
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She’s not trapped, she’s entirely choosing to be Mrs Monster
(Lol @ fascist aquarium I am not disrespecting humour I just can’t get on with all Poor Melania memes which are wholly borne of beauty privilege & if she looked like a ferocious scrotum she’d be treated as what she is)
Can’t stop looking at this picture. Melania always looked haunted, but here the rain on the bullet-proof glass accentuates her eerie detachment from the rest of us. Like she’s trapped in a fascist aquarium.
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Coffee used as divisive social signifier has been a strange development of recent years. As if Wigan doesn't have any Costas & the average person is startled by versions with Italian names & extra milk. It's trying to show you're in touch and showing you're hugely out of touch
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Very excited to announce the title of my next romantic comedy is Mad About You, and it's coming April 2022 ❤️🔥🙌 Pre order if you fancy it 👀
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I have received a proof copy of my own book! It looks pretty good 🥳🥃🌕🌒🌚ok now I promise not to mention it again until it comes out in April
#LastNight
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The sunburned, drunk & vaping Scotsman who’s stationed himself outside Marks & Spencer’s and is saying ‘welcome to Sainsbury’s’ to everyone going in has brightened my day
#VisitNottingham
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I remain interested in why *men* who want to speak to the manager aren’t a type, or worthy of scorn
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time to go fash: water cannons, air horns, Brian Blessed on an open topped bus shouting CUNT! through a loudhailer
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Hate it when those selling exercise regimens dismiss others efforts as ‘some ineffective cardio’ or ‘undoing that work with a bottle of wine.’ Anyone moving about is a positive. They don’t need disparaging because they’re not approaching it like conscription to military service
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I’ve seen a PT being all ‘why would you put alcohol poison in your body, empty calories, good luck but you just made your time in gym null & void, you are not worthy of my teachings if you drink.’ I agree Josh I’m not joining your cult & you’re not coming on my hen do either
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I see why Pret does own brand crisps but it’s a misstep imo. Often with a hangover I’d gladly add a BBQ Hula Hoop or S&V Discos to my order, but I’m not wasting those calories on a red trousered man’s idea of Walkers ready salted. Fuck middle class crisps man. Guilty crisps
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Pandemic Madeley is everything we could’ve hoped for ❤️
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I really miss my social life, and I didn’t even have a good one
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Someone has replied to Moby’s vegan soup recipe: ‘Thank you for adding to the well-being of our collective’ & now I have my new favourite sarcastic comeback
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The woman I just saw in a large animal-print waterproof poncho who'd ridden her mobility scooter up to a table for one, & was - unperturbed by a hailstorm - eating a bowl of spaghetti & drinking a glass of pink wine the size of a baby's torso, is who *I'll* be voting for today
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Not sure I've ever heard a funnier story than my friend who got a wooden spoon stuck in her mouth as a kid and had to get bus to A&E for its removal, so her mum draped a tea towel across the handle so people 'wouldn't stare'
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🥰🥰🥰 you asked, I acted ❤️🔥
Calling all
@MhairiMcF
fans!
The Queen of romcoms is back with a hilarious new follow-up to
#WhosThatGirl
! Edie may have found The One. But when everyone wants him, can she keep him?
#YouBelongWithMe
arrives in June 2024 and is available to pre-order now:
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Just realised Top Gun Maverick contains a scene where a character called Maverick puts the rule book in a bin
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Farrow & Ball are missing a trick if they don't call a bright pink shade "Divorce Kitchen"
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No socialising. No going into office. No driving thru rush hour. Food & boozes delivered to door, no shopping. A nice strong 6pm snifter socially legitimised, Netflix to be caned. Please spare a thought for my boyfriend, whose ideal lifestyle will soon be enforced by martial law
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Strangely enough, everyone saying Emily In Paris is total crevice waft makes me want to watch it. I can’t take the emotional labour of anything being good at this point in 2020. Also don’t want to read novels described as ‘urgent’
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I’ve just remembered my friend’s Tory dad summarising all Labour policy as ‘free pies for the scruffy’
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Me ‘Mum what did we do on Charles & Di’s wedding day’
Mum: ‘I took you to a socialist-feminist collective in a wood and we wore Don’t Do It Di! badges and played Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Oh Diane.’’
FFS
‘… But you snuck off to a neighbour’s house at tea time to see it’
YES 5 YEAR OLD ME
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I turned 45 today and frankly I think crooked Democrats have rigged another count. Expect my lawyer to do a press conference outside a dildo shop shortly
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Glastonbury tips like this remind me why I’ll never return. ‘Nice weekend Mhairi’ ‘yes thanks for the price of EasyJet to Rome I shat in a tub labelled ASDA soft scoop Cornish Vanilla’
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I hate everything about this time of year with an absolute shitting passion
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Anyone saying Cadbury is bad chocolate is like people who say The Beatles aren’t any good, you’re just having to try too hard to be interesting
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Each Christmas I remember when my mum decided it was the year to video record the family lunch for posterity, & an elderly relative brought his girlfriend, who decided it was the year to explain how difficult it is to give blow jobs when you have dentures
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Brass neck’s a central feature of this campaign, one man lied about the ways he’s going to disfigure, impoverish & disrupt the country & the other one momentarily forgot what time a tv programme is on
Brass neck's been one of central features of this campaign - Johnson on checks (remember he DID admit back in Oct there'd be extra checks under Brexit deal however much he obfuscates over it now - define check, and define customs declaration), or Corbyn on watching the Queen
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Happy April Fools Day, unrelatedly, my new book Last Night is out today! 🥳 (That's a glass of red wine, I haven't pivoted into crime)
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re: taxi thread, I don’t think men realise how trapped women feel by pressure to play nice. We don’t get same respect / attention men do, in anger. We either facilitate shit we don’t want to with strained friendliness, or assert ourselves & become a bitch who deserves aggression
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