"Hey dad, nice job on mom's flowers! Where are mine????" Dad: "Where's your boyfriend?" 😂😂😂😂😂 #savage

We don't talk enough about that time the 2011 Emmy nominees for Best Actress In A Comedy Series (Amy Poehler, Melissa McCarthy, Martha Plimpton, Edie Falco, Tina Fey, & Laura Linney) all pretended that they were in a pageant & ran onstage when their names were announced.

It’s ‘Over my Head’ to think I’m going to a @fleetwoodmac concert tonight!!!!! ‘Rumours’ has it that the concert is going to be off ‘The Chain.’ @kool108radio Happy (way late) anniversary 💓 #KOOLFLEETWOODMAC #sec204row2seat1819

Me: Hello 911, I’d like to report a potential future serial killer

I still cant believe Mac Miller is gone. So sad 😩

https://t.co/wsqdgYJZ2t

boomers paying their bill: you only had bud on tap not but light so you get 9% and I am going to spit in your face as I leave. good day millennials paying their bill: this beer? incredible. you? incredible. I'm tipping you 30%. this is my last $20 but I want you to have it

Congratulations to every one graduating. It’s only downhill from here. You start to get old & boring. Going out becomes a chore. Hangovers turn into two-day affairs. Everyone starts getting married & having children. Morning coffee is the only bright spot in a dim world. Enjoy!

I followed my dad around with a confetti cannon for a couple weeks... 😂😂😂

I guess my dad is afraid of airhorns too... 🤷🏽‍♀️

One more day until Home and I can’t wait!!!!!!!!!! 🤩🍺🍕💃🕺

Let. Him. EAT. #ZLATAN

Brightening up your Twitter feed.

YES

guys!!! if i get 500k retweets this can happen for me!! please help out 💙💙 thank you all!!! #CalliesMetsProm

#StateOfHawkey

When 83% of US citizens don't want the FCC to repeal #NetNeutrality and yet they do it anyway, it is hard to believe our government is "of the people, by the people, for the people."