mattie lubchansky
@Lubchansky
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award-winning transsexual comics idiot, beautiful giantess / also @nogodsnomayors
Joined March 2010
my new book SIMPLICITY is about a timid academic in the near future who treks into the wilds of upstate new york to study a cult and winds up with way more than he bargained for. it’s is out 7/29. preorder it from your local!
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having two cats instead of one is more expensive and double the pain in the ass but occasionally they'll be sitting kind of near each other in a room i walk into and i'll get to say "oh, hey guys" and in that moment it's worth it.
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i think it's so cool that every CEO at every company suddenly decided exactly five to seven percent of their workforce needed to not work anymore. what a weird coincidence.
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i love getting an email every 3 hours that's like BED BATH AND BEYOND'S COVID-19 PREPAREDNESS.
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every couple months a tech company will re-invent something we already have like a bus or a sailboat but more evil. congrats to these dopes for somehow doing that for the concept of Gorillaz.
Eminem and Snoop Dogg using their Bored Ape Yacht Club IP at the VMAs. History is being made.
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austin butler experienced complete ego death and is, to this day, letting the ghost of elvis drive him around like a ratatouille. and for what.
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i love that the geniuses of the police department with all their military surplus crap can be rendered completely neutral with some shit from the fourth century BC.
Wow. The cops have no idea what to do about the organized shield wall in Portland tonight.
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maybe the most instructive images of american life ever produced.
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uninventing the printing press to reintroduce the scarcity of texts so only the clergy has access to my precious woodcuttings of an ape smoking a huge j
Literature NFTs will change the world.
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planning on becoming even stupider in the new year. more of a bitch as well. please update your files.
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*sending an email* haha take that you absolute mother fucker. *receiving an email* ah shit! fuck! what the fuck!!!!!!!! shit!.
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thinking about removing the mysterious green ribbon that i’ve always had around my neck.
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i love reading twitter during the holiday season and discovering that 130% of americans are somehow from massachusetts.
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the novel "frankenstein" is about someone who makes up a guy to get mad at.
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do you think the end of the roman empire felt this boring to live through.
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wishing my opponent mr. hitler, his wife mrs. hitler, and the entire hitler family a speedy recovery.
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feeling so fucken VALID thank you to citibank for achieving trans liberation
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having a nice time imagining i'm the big boat. the world cries out for me to stop destroying global commerce. my response? toot toot :).
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every couple months there's a big report that some neonazi org is full of cops, enlisted military, etc etc,and nothing happens except somehow more government funding for those things. huh! hm. huh.
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this is a message for all cops: it extremely owns me, a lib, when you quit your job as a cop. i’m owned and i absolutely hate it.
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strong evidence here that before the dog shampoo he was using dish detergent in his hair
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no hell hot enough for the fascists that cruise around nyc destroying community fridges man. biblically evil shit.
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“nsfw” is such a dumb phrase. what if you work at the dicksucking factory? checkmate idiot.
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i got locked out for like 2 months for saying i was mayor deblasio and that i had hurt my wiener playing basketball.
BREAKING: Twitter says 3 tweets today from President Trump have been removed, and his account "will be locked for 12 hours following the removal of these Tweets. If the Tweets are not removed, the account will remain locked.".
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got sir’d AND ma’am’d in the same security line. i’ve done it. i’ve achieved total parity.
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at this point the amount of nothing the democrats are doing is sort of impressive. at all the jobs i hated, i would at least pretend to have excel open on my computer when someone walked by.
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thinking about the time i was doing a survey at an old engineering job and had to go into the back of a lululemon and they had a huge board where they ranked every single employee daily to keep them in a constant state of panic and there were ayn rand quotes everywhere.
It's okay to not be okay.
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great news! the “agender” fashion has graduated from GREY SACK to BROWN SACK
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this would be really dangerous and worrying technology, if it were in the hands of a man that could make a single thing that worked properly.
Elon Musk appears close to beginning the first ever human trials of his brain chip
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“political violence” is when violence is done to a politician. everything they cause is a different thing and you shouldn’t worry about it.
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what is everyone's favorite way to lick a boot. do you guys start from the toe or go up or the other way. i've been trying out a new way where i start middle and do a zigzag i think it's really gonna blow everyone out of the water.
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i think you should be able to hold up a little card when you’re about to say a word that you’ve only read before out loud for the first time. and nobody is allowed to make fun of you.
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the fancy part of western MA is truly incredible anthropologically. i just saw a WASPy lady raise her glass and say to her lunch companion “a toast, walter. to august”.
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too long have we been limited by the 2-dimensional political alignment chart. i think by using my new tool we can truly map another person's politics. introducing: The Ideology Cube
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i love watching the british baking show, where they instruct people to make brownies and then get mad at the contestants for them tasting sweet. psychopathic country.
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ok but what if we replaced all the teachers with cops, and the school buses with cop tanks and the schools themselves with police stations. i believe then we would be safe. in this scenario the children will also be replaced with cops.
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how i am greeted every morning. in my own damn home
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the "who paid for the uhaul" thing is infinitely hilarious considering the incredibly cheap price of uhauls is often painted on the side of them.
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maybe if you don't want people to cheer for political figures' deaths, don't organize society so that nobody powerful faces any consequences for their bad actions and only their death frees us!! idk.
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tried to dunk a basketball (im very tall and thought i would be able to) and instead hit myself in the weiner with a big hammer somehow.
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can someone please give me a date and time when i am allowed to be mad at joe biden for how he is being president. i would just like to be ready.
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yesterday we were walking and a car pulled up onto the sidewalk and just used that as a lane, directly towards us. i gave him a "what the fuck" look and the guy driving yelled at US for not moving out of the way lmao. scientists need to study a condition i'm calling "car brain".
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another day working at the angostura bitters bottling plant. no fucking way will i trim the labels the right size to fit the bottles, man. you’ll have to come down here and fight me, asshole.
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i legitimately thought i'd get suspended pretty quick but honestly i guess truly nobody gives a shit about bill de blasio (me).
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RIDLEY SCOTT LOOKING AT A ROBOT THAT IS NOT FULL OF FUCKED UP MILK: get this the FUCK out of my fucking face dude. get it away from me ok.
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my name is ridley scott and i love ONLY one thing: filling androids with a milky substance! do NOT talk to me UNLEss it is about robot milk!!!!!!! thank you!.
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cannot get over how stupid they think we all are. yeah man time to clock in at the terrorism factory
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thrown in jail for 75 years for assaulting an officer after removing the NYPD robot dog's battery while it's attempting to crush my windpipe.
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biden will be there tomorrow, smiling and shaking hands with the people who did this. i don't want to hear another fucking word about how progressive he is ever again. ghoulish, vile, unforgivable.
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everyone on the set of this movie was exposed to an unshielded and life-threatening dose of French Particles that seems to have fried their brains completely and permanently.
Zoë Saldaña told a Mexican journalist backstage at the Oscars that she is ‘very sorry’ that ‘Mexicans felt offended’ by ‘Emilia Pérez.’ ’“For me, the heart of this movie was not Mexico; we weren’t making a film about a country,’ she began.
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they wouldn't let you write "1984" today. they'd probably make you choose a higher number for the year i bet.
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american cities are so cool. you can go back to one you used to live in like 20 years ago and they’ve just sort of lowered an enormous glass cube on a bunch of it and now it’s a District with a bunch of banners telling you how much of a good time you’re having.
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these protests outside kavanaugh’s house are disgusting to me. they didn’t even set it on fire.
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do the french give different names to their pokemon. if they do i think geodude could be “homme de terre.” thanks.
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i love to live in the liberal bastion of new york city, where my choices today for mayor are an ex-cop who lives in new jersey and talks like he's been struck by lightning too many times OR the wannabe cop who wears a special crimefighting hat.
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CUTE: The US Army Has Spelled "TRANS RIGHTS" In Letters Visible From Space Using Only Corpses.
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if and when im murdered for being queer or jewish please politicize the absolute fuck out of my death and please do something cool with my skull.
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just following up on the kids in cages. you know the profound evil that everyone was yelling at imaginary nonvoters about. you know the policy that was started by executive fiat and could be dissolved overnight. we still have those right. i'm just checking.
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the US is obviously hurtling into a serious "gender critical" movement and frankly i have no idea how we're supposed to combat it given that almost nobody who isn't trans seems to give a shit or notice.
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a leftist victory in south america? cia are you okay honey. dm me.
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im the guy at hbo who demanded the new sex and the city show keep trying to approach trans stuff at a zillion different angles. “more ways!! clumsier!!!” i would yell at meetings.
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concerned this might be some sort of ploy to ensnare trans people in a big net
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sick of the violent monsters of antifa treating me badly, throwing eggs at me etc just for the simple crime of advancing my favorite cause, fascism.
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finally found this comic that i think about all the time. 1996!!!!!
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insane to me that people are still getting paid huge sums of money to write about how the woke trans mob is controlling all aspects of our society when this the actual stuff that keeps on happening.
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when you’re walking around an area that has some history and they replace the floor or the sidewalk with a big glass pane so you can see what used to be under there??? baby that’s ALWAYS good.
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spoke to an older person that watches MSNBC nonstop yesterday and she was convinced that joe biden has a more serious climate change plan than sanders. can't overstate how badly these people have poisoned the fucking well.
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can’t believe joe biden is running again instead of all the other incredible young candidates the democrats absolutely have. they have names and everything i bet.
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if your response to criticism of israel is “the US is bad too”: i agree!.
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on the phone of a friend who will remain unnamed, i saw an app with a star of david logo. he’s not jewish so i asked what it was and he said it was “for knowing when sunset is.” pressed further, he explained “say what you will about the jewish people, they know when sunset is”.
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"okay ted, do some standing"."got it. normal human standing"
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you’re going to really regret fucking with me when my two thousand one hundred and eighty one brothers show up dude
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is it me or have the animorphs books gotten really boring
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adam driver is polarizing because he looks like a sexy refrigerator and some people aren’t prepared psychologically to feel a desire to smooch the kenmore.
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does anyone know a good video service where i could get “quick bites” of entertainment in 5-10 minute shorts? me and other members of my age and professional cohort are always talking about how that’s the sort of culture we crave.
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absolutely zooted on the vaccine. just fuckin flying on my new 5G blood.
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i love viral posts about how nyc food is Actually Bad from people that moved here ten days ago and live above the times square m&ms store.
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you can flip off any helicopter. who’s in there, a cop? army guy? rich family? see a chopper, give em the bird. that’s what i say.
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i simply love to give a shit what is going on on college campuses. give me all the details! put them in the grown-ups newspaper please. what's the big scandal, at college. how's the quadrangle, etc. i can't get enough of it.
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so my buddy hosts a Spite Elephant party where you bring the worst gift possible and i normally make something for it. here’s 2017
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the movie you like? it's bad. and the movie you hate? *chuckling while i swing my leg over the saddle of my mighty steed to ride off* well. it's good.
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*dependable ally voice* don’t worry she’s a biological woman.
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of course we all love these gentlemen and their wonderful bathtime. what im asking is: once a year? i was under the impression these little guys lived the yuzu lifestyle and that’s what they deserve. becoming a single issue voter until this is reality.
Ahead of the winter solstice tomorrow, the capybara of Nasu Oukoku Zoo took their annual yuzu hot bath .
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BUSINESSMAN 2: hello mr adams my friend and confidant and sibling of the world. would you like to accept bag of cash from me 🙏 it will be labeled "Turkish Crime Fund" and i will leave it upon step of city hall.ERIC ADAMS: swag unites us in all things my beatiful [sic] man.
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i would say conservatively that a full hour of my day is spent trying to get wife to look at the cat in case she has not seen her yet. in my defense the cat is often sitting there much like a little baby would.
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finally caught the thing my cat does 80 times a day on video. sound on please
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considering becoming open to the possibility of being an extremely fancy bitch who leaves a stick of butter out on the counter so it's always soft instead of in the fridge.
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some people online are about 2 weeks away from being like “landl*rd is a slur” and i absolutely cannot wait.
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