Lia Louis
@LisforLia
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Mum. International bestselling author. Always waiting for the moment I can put my pyjamas on. Agent: @mushenska
United Kingdom
Joined March 2012
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Pinned Tweet
I cannot tell you how happy & grateful I am with this news! 😭 I’m so excited to work with
@ZaffreBooks
& the amazing
@SarahBauer5
and to FINALLY shout about my next book BETTER LEFT UNSENT, an idea that filled me with joy (& anxiety) the second I had it!
We are so excited to announce that we've acquired two amazing novels from
@LisforLia
! 🥂
#BetterLeftUnsent
is the hilarious rom-com that asks the horrifying question: what if you woke up one day to find all your draft emails had been sent... 💌
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Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
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Can we PLEASE find another way from the 'original utility bill' proof of address stuff because most of us are bloody paperless and it is not 1993
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Took the kids to feed the ducks. Lots of males fighting over the female.
4 y/o daughter: she doesn’t want them. She wants bread and peace.
Same. Same.
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When I was 8 I was OBSESSED with Harriet the Spy. Ate tomato sandwiches. Kept spy journals. 1 day I saw a car pull up, a guy get out, look in a van’s window, get back in the car & zoom off. The van got stolen that eve. Cops called at each house. & GUESS WHO HAD THE REG OF THE CAR
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all of your replies are cracking me up during a really shitty and so far sleepless night because of my sick kid. Thank you. Twitter is a blast sometimes. (Pastry murders aside.)
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I wanna write the shit out of a Love Actually Sarah & Karl spin off when they meet again 20 years on, on Christmas Eve. Karl, divorced, in M&S food, hot & scarfed, buying food for a xmas alone & Sarah, bogged down by a shit bf, him barking ingredients down the phone. AND THEN
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Tried on some psychotic Spanx corset thing to wear with my bridesmaid dress on Saturday as I’m super self conscious about my tummy post-twins. My 7 year old son walked in. “I like it without that thing underneath. You look more like you without it. And I love you.”
I’m crying 💔
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Just handed in my *printed* electricity bill and was made to feel like Frank Abagnale.
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Just read the first chapter of my book to my nan. (She’s partially blind and can’t read anymore.)
Me: “he was wearing a crisp white shirt open at the collar”
Nan: oh god help us, sexy sod.
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Ed Sheeran being played in Tesco: 🎵Come on be my baby, come on. Come on be my baby, come on🎵
Toddler in buggy: NOOOO!
Mother: Shhhh, I told you, he isn’t singing to you.
Toddler in buggy: NOOOO! I am NOT HIS BABY!
I have a new hero.
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A teacher told me that my five year old daughter goes out in the playground every single lunch time, finds her twin brother (who’s in the other class), then they have a cuddle, & say goodbye. Every single day. 😭❤️
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My mum got a link from her Weight Watchers leader that she didn’t read before clicking & while eating chocolate digestives in bed, she clicked it, only to find her leader popped up on webcam like Dr Evil & said “Hello” & my mum shut the laptop & told her the WiFi went down 😭😭😭
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So many hilarious replies, honestly, my cheeks are aching with all the extreme pastry opposing, opinions and puns! I’ve missed so many of you, my twitter keeps freezing, but thanks for being a part of the most ridiculous & unexpectedly funny twitter thread. Twitter ain’t so bad.
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Getting loads of traction on a tweet about utility bills and I have never felt more age 34. Love you guys 😎
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God I love the edit notes from my US editor because they make me feel British af.
- who or what is Kilroy?
- who is Matt Goss?
- here is Deirdre Barlow again. Her name comes up a lot.
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@GemIsWriting
@NJSimmondsTPK
*names five of pastry’s albums*
“I see you didn’t name the unreleased bootleg that only I own that I heard before pastry was even pastry lol nice try”
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Lost the cat.
Walked into the kitchen (which is mid renovation) and heard purring above my HEAD and yes. He’s in the ceiling. 😭😭😭😭
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I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: you might never really *properly fancy* a jacket potato, but when you eat one, you ascend to a higher frequency and spend the whole eating experience thinking “omg why don’t I eat jacket potatoes more often?”
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My 6 year old son did *not* want to go to school this morning. I said for him to choose a little reward for when I pick him up, and he chose “a packet of crisps and my bedroom full of peace and quiet” and I think that should be a reward for all of us today tbh
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Maltesers in boxes taste better than Maltesers in bags, and four finger KitKats taste better than two finger Kitkats, these are the laws of the universe.
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This is a message for future me and anyone else who needs to hear this: the beds are stripped and you must put new sheets on before approx midday bc if you don’t, you are going to go up to bed tonight and want to throw yourself out the window
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They caught the guy that did it. Because of me. Because of books. BECAUSE OF ME AND MY BOOK OBSESSION.
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We got our son’s school report today. The first line says “he is such a kind, happy child” and I feel like that’s all I need to know ❤️
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OH MY GOD.
The postman just knocked. I cried before I even shut the door. Then opened the cover and stared at it - then sobbed like a baby.
It’s real!
The little idea I had while exhausted & sad, pushing my tiny newborns round & round the block, came to this. A book. My book 😭
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Today I flirted with the idea of putting on the heating.
I’m in fleece pyjamas.
Tomorrow, I will make crumble.
By dawn, my autumn transformation will be complete. Every pore will seep woodsmoke. My blood will be spiced lattes. My heart will be a squash, & my head, a pumpkin.
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My nan bought two copies of my book for her hairdresser and cleaner. My mum just said doesn’t want me to sign them as my nan has signed them herself. Her signature. With “Lia’s Nan” in brackets. 😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
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Despite being 32, well shot of school, and being happy in my job, every Sunday evening after dinner, I get that creeping, churning Sunday night dread/anxiety. It’s like my brain is stuck in 1998 when my life was homework and PE-knicker-fear. Anyone else?
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Sitting here thinking about the only Mumsnet post worth its salt so I had to google and find it again
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My only advice for getting through winter, is buying so many bags of frozen pastries - pain au chocolat, croissants, etc - and baking one fresh every morning so you can wake up and pretend you’re in a ramshackle b&b in Brittany. It’ll change your life. Thank me later ✌🏼
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Remember when it was all “up and dressed by 9!” and PE with Joe Wicks and now it’s just “don’t get dressed, saves on washing” and eating 17 roast potatoes and 2 spoonfuls of gaviscon for dinner
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My bf really didn’t want a cat, but two years on I just walked downstairs to him saying to our cat “it might seem cool to you to be out all the time now the weather’s nice, but it’ll never beat what you have right here. With us.”
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My 2 year old son is on a waiting list for speech therapy and every night I say “night night, love you” and for a few weeks we’ve been getting “night night”. But tonight he said “love you” for the first time then kissed me. My heart, my heart, my heart 💔
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I just suggested to my boyfriend that when we get married, we walk down the aisle to the Line of Duty end title theme song. He said no, but I didn’t hear him because I was too busy saying “OMG AND THE REGISTRAR COULD ASK GUESTS TO TURN TO HYMN 1 IN THEIR FOLDERS”
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To think 15 yrs ago I woke before my bf to put makeup on & get back in bed so he thought I had a permanent perfect smoky eye & now I’m eating icecream out of the tub in the kitchen calling out “these twats need to work on their soft scoop game” with my dress tucked in my knickers
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7 y/o son: Why do women always have cardigans on even when the sun is out? Sometimes they even just carry them.
Me: Welcome son, to the 4 hour lecture titled The Joy & Versatility of the Common Cardigan. Our 1st of 34 modules will be “Cardigans: the antidote to A Bit Nippy.”
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🥹🥹🥹 a tiny slow elderly woman just shakily picked up a valentines card in Tesco that said “to the love of my life” and took it to the till. Don’t mind me, just crying
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It’s ridiculous how much happiness £1 daffodil bunches bring me every year, but they do, and it never ever wears off ❤️
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Everyone is exercising and eating cauliflower steaks and counting steps and I am here balancing chocolate cake on the edge of my bath and trying to lasso things with a towel because I can’t be arsed to move to get them
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I was in bed eating a magnum thinking about how lovely a box of magnum BALLS would be and so I googled them and HOW - and I cannot stress this enough - the HELL did I not know these already exist?! I can hardly breathe with longing.
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OH MY GOD LOOK AT THE BIRTHDAY CAKE MY NAN HAD MADE FOR ME
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 it’s my book! My lovely book! And I can eat it!
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An article just popped up with a “hack” for resisting chocolate this Easter: skewering a load of fruit on a stick. Listen, if you can find me a grape that tastes like a Flake dipped into a cup of coffee, then I will skewer the shit out of it. Until then, it’s a huge bloody no.
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Twin 1 is nervous of how different nursery is & was crying this morning. Found Twin 2 telling him she’d hold his hand & find him things he likes when they get there. He kissed her. They walked in holding hands.
Those dizzying exhausting 2-newborns-at-once days were worth it 😭
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“Elevenses.”
What a word. What a concept. Biscuits, a banana, some cake, a hot drink. Such possibilities! Such wonder! You don’t hear it enough these days. I am bringing it back. ELEVENSES. Pass it on.
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Today my 87 year old nan came over and saw and held my book for the first time. 'I believe you now, that this is real' she said. Then I read her my acknowledgements, and she gasped when she heard her name and burst into tears 😭😭😭
These are the moments 💓
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My 4 year old who has speech delay talks more and more everyday and each day, I feel like I’m finally “meeting” him a little bit more 😭
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This is one of the most beautiful things I have seen and read in a long time. Deanna Dikeman began taking photos of her parents every time they saw her off, and waved her goodbye. ❤️ 💔
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My cat just scooped out some bubbles from the kids’ bath and is… inspecting them like a cop who’s just found a suspicious substance wtf???
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My 5 y/o daughter just said to me “I can’t believe I get to be with you for the rest of my life” 😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔
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Two days in a row, my 2 year old son has disappeared upstairs to his bedroom empty-handed then reappeared eating a pain au chocolat and I am now convinced our wardrobes lead not to Narnia, but to a bakery in Marseille.
I am following him next time.
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I keep buying new books.
Despite having many books.
And moaning I don’t have time to read the books.
But I like looking at the books.
And smelling the books.
And saying “I have that book! I just haven’t read it. But I will. When I’ve read that book. Oh & that book!”
Books.
Books.
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My Nan has just had her second dose of the Pfizer vaccine 😭😭😭😭😭
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Oh my goodness! LOOK! This is a scarf. COVERED IN THE WORDS OF MY BOOK. 😭😭😭 I am utterly in love with this beautiful publication gift from my lovely friend
@GillianMAuthor
. I can literally wrap myself in my story!
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Omg my mum just sent me this and it appears she has made a Christmas pudding we can ALL get on board with.
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The twins just had their preschool vaccinations. Twin girl reached out for twin boy’s hand in the car & said “Shh, don’t be frightened. You are very brave.” She cried harder than he did, but still tearfully said “we can go home now” to her brother. We made these people 😭😭😭😭😭
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How authors feel when asking other authors if they want a proof of their book
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Omg two people who haven’t seen each other in years just bumped into each other in this coffee shop and the FLIRTING ITSELF IS GIVING ME THE POWER TO WRITE THIS ROMANCE NOVEL. I am sweating with the sexual tension and it isn’t even me.
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Collar is off and he’s wearing a special post-op suit that I bought in *his* colour. He’s sad and jaded 😭
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Walking my super extroverted 5 y/o school is like walking a happy-drunk friend home. She shouts her friends names across the street, greets everyone by name, dances, tells me mad facts about people & areas we pass 😭 “that bit right there? Ya see it? FELL OVER THERE ONCE haha 🥰”
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Today I asked my therapist (phone session) what I should do.
She said “You know you said this morning you made a coffee and went back to bed with it and read your book and not the news? Do that. Every morning.” Now I’m genuinely excited about tomorrow’s bed-&-book coffee 😍
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When You’re Gone by Mel C and Bryan Adams is one of the most underrated (and slightly batshit) duets and also totally perfect and I worry we’ve forgotten about it, the end
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I am not exaggerating when I say I think I'd rather write an entire BOOK, than a synopsis.
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Hosted a (small) kid’s party today, thinking “oh, small handful of friends, it’ll be fine” & I am honestly lying here in bed like I’ve just been strapped to the front of a rollercoaster & been forced to ride it for 12 hours while on fire. WHY are they always so tiring?
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🎉🎉GIVEAWAY 🎉🎉
I’m so grateful for all the amazing reviews and love I’ve had for Eight Perfect Hours lately, so I’m giving away a signed personalised first edition to one Twitter follower! Just RT this and make sure you’re following me! Ends Monday 7/2. Good luck! ❤️
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The news about Sarah Everard is heartbreaking. Women all have stories. Every single one of us. And I’m so sad and sorry we still have to live this way, adjusting our behaviour, preparing for the worst, weighing up dangers, shrinking ourselves small so to not be noticed 💔
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Omg the likes on this! Am I mariah now? Sure I am. 😎😎😎😎
Something something soundcloud. Also follow me on insta: and buy my books please and thank you
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The best thing happened this morning. I came downstairs and had to go back upstairs to get my dressing gown because I was cold. For the first time since April.
Hi, September 🍂
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Rishi Sunak arriving in the middle of the nhs crisis like “this’ll cheer you up! I’m extending mandatory maths :)” is like when everyone got told they were losing their jobs on The Office and David Brent tells them all that he has some good news & it’s that he’s been promoted
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A man is coming in half an hour about putting up A WRITING SHED IN THE GARDEN OMG. I feel like God is coming to visit.
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I just found this old photo of my twins and how are they starting school next week?! I’M CRYING 😭😭😭😭
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Woke up to the sound of my boyfriend shooing another cat out of the garden as our cat sat on the grass looking like 😳 and my boyfriend saying “you have to be brave. You can’t let people win.”
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My 86-year-old nan is partially blind and can’t read anymore. Every night my mum goes to her house and sits and reads her a chapter of my book and my heart is breaking and bursting all at once 💔
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Not a day goes by where I don’t think about that time I went Christmas shopping at the last minute, and among the rails and crazed shoppers, a woman looked around, paused, then said to her husband “I can’t be arsed Alan” and walked away.
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It’s so cool and mindblowing to think that there are movies and paintings and photos and books and songs and things that don’t exist, are barely ideas yet, barely twinkles in eyes, that will this time next year be whole, alive, real beautiful things that other people will love ❤️
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4 yrs ago today, I sent my 1st batch of queries (one of which resulted in my agent!) But I remember how daunting it felt to press send; unknown & like taking ‘one big swing’. So I thought I’d re-share some querying tips (+some extras I’ve learned along the way!)
#WritingCommunity
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OMG I’m officially an auntie for the first time to these two beautiful little fighters 😭😭😭😭😭 They were born at 32 weeks but doing SO WELL. I love them so much already (and would you look at her little blonde locks and his thick dark hair) 💔💔💔💔💔
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Yes I've published books and given birth and been backstage at Iron Maiden concerts but no high will ever come close to the high of already having your dinner in the slow cooker by 9:30am on a Wednesday.
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My dad has just finished reading my book and sent me his thoughts in the style of Dear Emmie Blue’s mix CD track listings in the book. Best review I ever got 😭😭😭😭😭😭
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Today in Tesco, a demo of the two types of people in the world.
A man on the phone saying “there’s no hand gel stuff anywhere Pam, where shall I go now? Co-op?”, & the woman who said “I’ll get some nibbly bits and lots of cheese. You can’t go wrong with nibbly bits and cheese.”
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Tesco worker: this is the finest custard, this is the normal. The difference is price and fat content really.
Old man: I’ll take the fattier one. (Turns to me) I’m going to die soon anyway. Custard or bloody coronavirus. I’m not bothered.
😭😭😭🤣🤣🤣
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Sometimes you just need to have sausages, egg, chips and beans for dinner and eat it before 6 to heal your weary little soul.
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Talked to my dad about my worries & feel totally renewed & revitalised after an hour and 14 minutes of evergreen cockney east end phone advice such as “and if people don’t like it, FACK ‘EM”, “I couldn’t give a monkey’s bollocks, Lia” & “poke it up your arse” (plus other hits) 😭
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My 8 y/o just closed his book, put it down & stared at it. He said something has happened to a character that he can’t *believe* & he’s never felt like this before but he needs to think about it before he continues & OMG THIS IS SUCH A BOOKISH MOMENT. Welcome to the fold, kiddo!
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Time for proper author photos!
I admit I was *dreading* having these taken. Me & my self-image have had a tumultuous ol relationship over the years. Ups (few) & downs (so many.) But when I got the pics back, I felt nothing but proud. Bit of a milestone. It feels lovely.
Hi me👋🏼
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My daughter just undressed OUT of old tracksuit bottoms to put a bridesmaid dress and pink sparkly converse on to do gardening in 👑👑👑👑👑👑
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I know the world is on fire and everyone is screaming DOOM at the top of their lungs but I’m channelling cosiness and the little things I *can* control. Like I’ve written 2k words, had crumpets & marmite, & my daffodils have bloomed ❤️
Add your nice little things to this thread?
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To celebrate hitting 3K followers I am giving away a pretty & pink (& signed!) trade paperback of Somewhere Close To Happy & 2 - yes TWO (bc we ate the others) Wispa bars in honour of Roman & Lizzie! Just RT & make sure you’re following to enter. I’ll pick 1 winner on Fri (21/6)
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Can we all stop to admire these BEAUTIES my mum got me. I am in love 🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡
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I would just like a box of Cornetto cone ends please. Just lots of little teeny cones full of chocolate that you can pop and pop and pop in your mouth, one after the other.
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NEWS! I have had the last few weeks of my dreams and beyond. I am still pinching myself every hour on the hour. Still crying. Still dancing. I could not be more grateful 🎉🎉🎉
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🧡 To celebrate the total swoonyness of my finished author copies of
#EightPerfectHours
arriving, I’m giving away TWO SIGNED COPIES! To enter, all you have to do is RT this tweet and make sure you’re following! I’ll pick 2 people on 1/8! Good luck! 🎉🎉🎉
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Witnessed a date which was a picnic on grass by the beach. On my way past, they were introducing themselves, he was glowing AS RED AS RADISHES, apologising for the drinks he bought. On the way back an hour later, they were laughing hysterically, she had her hand on his arm 🥰
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“You will never ever be good enough for the wrong people” - heard this quote the other day and can’t stop thinking about it
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