I couldn’t remember, so I just pulled down my underwear to check if I changed them this morning, and said “clean undies? clean undies!” Sleep deprivation can me SO ENTERTAINING!

Gotta love capitalism, right? What other economy creates the idea to brake everything and sell the scraps for money. And when the remaining parts start to catastrophically fail, turn around and sell the repairs, for even more money.

Unpopular Opinion: There is nothing noble, or romantic about unrequited love. It is a sad and miserable existence, not a fucking fairy tale.

My son caught me sneaking back to my room with yet ANOTHER salty snack. “Honey, I’m drunk AND stoned. What did you expect?”

We’re quietly laying next to each other. I’m reading, she’s softly snoring. When out of nowhere, she starts purring really loudly. As if she’s had a dream or a thought that makes her really happy, like world domination. Isn’t that so CUTE?!?!

Hey @instawork How do I get my tips? Pay period for the event was last week and NO PROS have been tipped out for the event yet. App doesn’t let anyone select the shifts. What gives?

Whenever I’m craving Chick-fil-A, it’s on a Sunday. Of course.

OK people!! It's time to tell every teacher, scout troop leader, librarian, or group organizer you know that @SkypeScientist is OPEN FOR FALL. We match scientists with any group that wants to talk with a scientist for free. Sign up at https://t.co/d0Dy8gZHFG!

I’m pretty sure when “Hot Girl Summer” gets tossed around, that they don’t mean my ass sticking to the toilet seat. Every. Damn. Time.

My (two months shy of) 18 year old cat is sawing logs 2 feet from my head. If she gets too quiet, I gently poke her to keep her going. Can’t have her slacking off.

THIS. This is a very real problem with data mining & the selling of personal data.

Was supposed to start a new job at a tech company on the 18th. I got an email on the 8th informing me that my offer was being rescinded, due to $$$ reasons. Took me 1.5 yrs to find something that didn’t bore me to tears or make me want to throw hands or insults at ppl. Now what?

I have questions! I’m going to be staying out of town a month for training for my new job, in a hotel with a kitchenette. Obviously eating out every meal isn’t smart $ wise. Can you rent pots & plates? Do hotels keep stock? Goodwill? I’m not going to fly it x country.

It’s safe and quiet for weeks, maybe even a month or so. Then all of a sudden, the chaos of the “Moving Leg Gauntlet” occurs. Why the do cats do this? Testing their ninja skills? And yes, I suppose it’s better than ninjas racing around between my legs testing their cat skills.

Welp, I don’t use Facebook anymore cause it’s creepy and I’m seriously looking at canceling @instagram now, too. 25% of my timeline is now ads. Not exaggerating. It’s literally, 1 in 4 posts. IT’S EXCESSIVE.

Tuesday I needed to do a pre employment drug test. As I was exiting the bathroom the door suddenly stopped and I ran into it, spilling my sample on me. I gave myself a golden shower. Words I never thought I’d utter. Fun times!

The older I get, the more I side with Disney villains.

@wd78pp @DustinGrowick Son, if anti-choice people like you actually cared about children we would have parental leave, a functioning adoption and foster system, and a child care center on every street corner. But no, you blame the mom for having a child, and you throw both of them to the wolves.

I may be wrong BUUUUT, I’m beginning to thank that applying for jobs should NOT be part of one’s nightly routine right before bed.

Bedtime thoughts; my brain… “I wonder if a werewolf would be susceptible to any diseases because of it’s diet?”

Happy Jesus was a Zombie Day!