Kristen Arnett
@Kristen_Arnett
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writer, librarian, lesbian. dad. floridian. New York Times Bestselling author. Mostly Dead Things & WITH TEETH and STOP ME IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE (upcoming).
Orlando, FL
Joined August 2008
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어린이날
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こどもの日
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子供の日
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Pinned Tweet
everything is terrible so i googled "dogs being interviewed" and it helped
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me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said "no worries that's just marvin, he likes the smell"
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we left the airbnb and this is what the host just sent, i am literally in tears
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had a baby as a gay teenager and it was very hard, but here’s his first day of kindergarten and today was his last day of undergrad, he is smart and good and we are both very happy
folks……… we did it
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congratulations especially to the little girl in her stroller this morning who pointed to my dog and proudly announced “pig”
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in extremely gay news my ex-wife and her new girlfriend are coming over to the house where me and my girlfriend are staying to drop off the dog that we share custody over
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man at this bar is describing in great detail exactly what a deviled egg is to his date, a woman who already told him twice that she’s had them before
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went to board my flight and there was a guy sitting in my window seat and when i told him it was mine he said “but i want it” and if that’s not this whole fuckin country i don’t know what is
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good morning to everyone but especially the woman in the crosswalk on my way to work who didn’t like that someone honked at her to hurry so she stopped and did a couple jumping jacks
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when i’ve got a funny story but i have to wait until my friend finishes talking
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you’re telling me if i complete the task that is giving me stress then my anxiety about it will go away????? sounds fake
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me when i receive an email
Meet Sugar, she doesn't like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
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they offered to keep it for us for our next stay??? five star service
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lady on this beach just yelled “not my chips you BITCH” at a seagull
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dog at the vet named “pecan shortie” is one of the largest rottweilers i’ve ever seen
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happy three year anniversary to the time i got drunk and slid in a strangers DMs
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the thing about sweatshirts is that they can never be big enough, i need to live inside it, i need my sweatshirt to be a studio apartment
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babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched your sunday afternoon creeping sense of dread for the week ahead
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some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
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gonna open a bar called “you’re dehydrated” and every drink comes with a shot glass of water
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dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of....... charles dickens” and i said no
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shout out to the woman at 7-eleven who answered her phone and said “this better be good i’m buying a hot dog”
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asking a heterosexual couple who is the florence and who is the machine
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this morning at 7eleven i saw a woman slip a donut onto her own finger and mutter “look who’s married now, mom”
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just had to give my girlfriend one of her birthday presents a week early because she kept trying to buy it for herself online
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in all seriousness my girlfriend has decided to roast a twenty pound bird tomorrow for our meal and the guest list includes the two of us and possibly the dog (who has not yet confirmed)
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overheard the dunkin donuts cashier tell someone “if you don’t like my content you’re not my audience” and now i’m saying that to everyone
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did we ever find out how the vampire’s interview went? did he get the job
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two women are on a date in this restaurant and they are sharing one plate of fries and both are aggressively eating as fast as they can to consume the most fries and FUCK that is romantic
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recently i have started exercising every day and i have to say a lot of you are bold faced liars this sucks real bad and there are no redeeming qualities how do you live with yourselves
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what’s a throwaway line from a tv show you love and think about all the time? for me it’s a season 8 episode of the office where erin the receptionist is asked what she wants from the bar and she says “do you have any cola? kirkland if you have it”
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my dog will say “i know a spot” and then take me to the place where they found an old french fry three months ago because they keep hoping to find another one there
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that’s my emotional support unfolded pile of laundry
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is screaming crying throwing up the new live laugh love
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ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
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me about my dog: my ride or die, number one, throw myself into the sun for them
my dog: i would run off with your murderer if they presented me with a cheez it cracker
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someone please add this to my wikipedia page
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for your consideration: chickens caring for all kinda babies
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kid got just so mad he couldn’t order a hot dog at this airport restaurant he yelled “hot dogs are my family” and then his mom immediately asked for a white wine and you know what i identify with both of them
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oh you’re a writer? name 3 of your procrastination techniques
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
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gender reveal where you cut into a baby and reveal that it’s a cake
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boarding my plane and saw the flight attendant smashing a bag of ice and when i told them they were really going to town on it they replied “this is what i would do to the iceberg that sunk the titanic”
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you can use chicken strips as money that is why they are called tender
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remembering the time i was at a fourth of july pool party and a man used a pool noodle as a megaphone to tell a woman he thought she was pretty and that woman used the same pool noodle to announce to everyone at the party that she was gay
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happy two year anniversary to the day i got drunk on valentines and slid into a strangers dms
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winter in miami and you know what that means! time to receive a weather alert warning about iguanas because they get too cold and their bodies go dormant and they start falling out of trees
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recently learned that there is a dog in bolivia who joined a monastery and they named him friar mustache
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“stars, they’re just like us” i say as i point up at a celestial body in the night sky that has already been dead inside for years
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less gender reveals more scooby doo villain reveals
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last night i told a woman i write fiction and she said that was just making up lies for money and i found it very charming that she thinks i get paid
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woman in this 7-eleven asked if they had “salad fixins” and the cashier told them they could buy cheetos and use them as croutons
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where are all the animals dressed in halloween costumes? present them here as if they are in a parade, proudly showing off their finery
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you want to kiss me? the thing that made sixpence none the richer?
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you're not the boss of me! my dog is the boss of me, everything revolves around this damn dog
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lady got a turtle out of the road and the woman in the car next to me yelled “yes bitch turtle power” and that is all i needed from today, thank you v much
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good morning to everyone but especially the woman in the elevator who looked straight at my dog and asked “do you like my new work clothes”
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experiencing using them
feelings for jokes
vs
( •_•) (•_• )
( ง )ง ୧( ୧ )
/︶\ /︶\
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you can't spell library without bra because we are your support system
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when you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that i carried you
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kristen stewart's hair in the new charlie's angels trailer already fucked three women and didn't text any of them back
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brie larson implies the existence of cheddar larson and parmesan larson
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kid behind me on this plane has asked and then answered one million pertinent questions about our flight including “how do pilots use the bathroom? guess what they don’t, pilots don’t have butts”
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just heard the neighbor yell for their dog in the yard, realize it was a raccoon, then say "sorry do your thing"
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gently touching your friends hand bc you've spotted someone acting like an asshole & you want to talk about it later
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woman in the dating app asked about my parents and i told her my dad was a navy man named crunch and she replied “oh cool” so now i’m trapped in a web of lies where i’ve said my father is captain crunch
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lemme tell you what,
@PrimeVideo
is very bad at marketing because i need to tell you how extremely gay the new a league of their own is - it is one of the gayest shows i have ever seen, explicitly gay, very queer, straight up gay, so fucking GAYYYYYY
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truly incredible pour today over at the olive garden
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"why does my neck always hurt" i wondered as i contorted my body exorcist-style to peer at a tiny glowing misery rectangle
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the lyft driver asked if i wanted to “listen to some music” and when i said sure he started singing opera
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when he invites you down into the catacombs to sample from a rare vintage of amontillado 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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