I mean, technically aren't we all "foodies"? I've never met anyone who's like "nothing for me waiter, I'll just photosynthesize".

You don't scare me. You're not one of my tweets going viral, turned into a meme, and shared all over Facebook.

Just spilled my oatmeal all over the carpeted floor. In case you wanted to know how put together I was.

I dreamt about my one true love last night, pizza, I dreamt about pizza.

Some people believe that if their SO takes all the covers at night they’re either cold or horny, if they guess wrong they will be bitched out at 2 am.

Coffee is not just a beverage, it is a cup of liquid sanity.

She hides her chocolate Truffles where I can't find them, I hide my Reese's and she finds them, we are not the same.

Oh, you "experimented" with drugs? Show me your well documented and rigorous adherence to the scientific method.

holding a severed head, but it's just me cradling my emotional support butter lettuce

Much like syphilis, plants are a reminder that we learn best through making mistakes.

I'm Midwestern sober. Haven't made a casserole in three weeks. Ope.

If a friend betrays you, there's no need to gossip or cry or act unseemly. Just do what a royal would do. Keep your head high, your facial expression serene, and very calmly plot a murder.

People always think their love is permanent, but that is simply not true, with enough manipulation any love can die pretty hard.

Hey boy, are you a toilet seat because I licked you, and now I'm not feeling very well

The enemy of my enemy is probably still kind of a jerk.

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

I was the first person to turn music up really loud on my phone as a way to locate my misplaced wireless headphones. I invented that.

Catastrophes are so much better with Morgan Freeman narrating.

🎶 It's not that I wanna die Dying's a slow way to live Just wanna choke on his tie One sip away from the give 🎶 "Love Gangster" by @BethHart https://t.co/elkiMmnMVc