kim
@KimmyMonte
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hi. welcome. venmo: Kimmy-Monte
blink 182
Joined March 2010
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Pinned Tweet
My 9 yo son just made this movie trailer and I literally cannot stop laughing.
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my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
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my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
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son: mommy what’s a podcast?
me: well, dear, when a group of men love their opinions very much...
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this is in 5 parts and i’ve been watching & waiting for the next part to drop like a series on apple tv. part 1:
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last night i went out to dinner w a bunch of friends and the waitress asked if anyone at the table had any allergies and my friend very seriously said “oh yes, cats”
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you can all stop looking and go home. i’ve found the best tiktok.
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add “you piece of shit” to any famous movie line i’ll go first: “you had me at hello, you piece of shit”
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when you’re about to go home on halloween but mom says you can hit one more block
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*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey bro you should charge your milk
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little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
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my husband and i walking out of target when we only buy what we went there for..
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this bird has a different dance for every ringtone and i love each and every one
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prequels i’d like to see get made:
•Jaw
•Apocalypse Then
•The Blair Witch Assignment
•Snakes Getting A Ride To The Airport
•Dance Lessons With Wolves
•Star Disagreements
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{trying to fit in with my son’s friends}
yo what up fam you guys see all the dank memes haha ok i gotta go see if i got any faxes tell your moms i said yeet
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my pug has 4 beds and takes medicine for his seasonal allergies just like his wolf ancestors
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if fred flintstone uses his feet to power his automobile then why doesn’t he just walk to work? he’s basically just carrying his car everywhere
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when you can’t find your phone and you ask someone to call it but it’s on vibrate
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lil jon girl at the rock show
🤝
🤝 WHAT? 🤝
🤝
my mother the spongebob
every 5 min pirate
on the phone
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set my GPS voice to blink-182 and my car turned its lights off and carried me home
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LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
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Fuck you, ocean. If you have something to say, say it to my face instead of through a shell, you piece of shit.
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{job interview}
employer: how do you perform under pressure?
me: oh not well it’s hard to sing Queen
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no one:
my mother, 4 minutes into any movie: WHAT HAPPENED WHY IS HE DOING THAT?
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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.
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i know this video is old but i love how this dog is like alright let me finish the job
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opening up a glass coffin company called Remains To Be Seen. do not steal this idea it’s all i have.
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{concert}
lead singer: THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT TONIGHT!
me, from the balcony: OH IT WAS NO PROBLEM WE ONLY LIVE 15 MINUTES AWAY FROM HERE
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football and soccer are like gimme the ball i want that ball but baseball is all like fuck this ball get rid of it i hate it
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Please doctor help my snake he has grown fur and hates our mailman
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predictive text what’s in the vaccine i’ll go first:
the vaccine contains a lot of information about the moon and dolly parton
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annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
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every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
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sorry i commented “i’ve seen better” under a picture of your newborn
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In Melania’s defense, her “Fuck These Kids” hoodie was in the wash.
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valentine’s day is soon so i wanna hear ur best break up story. i’ll go 1st: i was dating a hockey player for 9 months & 1 day he says, btw my family is coming into the US soon so i said i finally get to meet ur mom! he was like haha no my wife & kids did i not tell u about them?
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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
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that’s me in the corner
that’s me in the spotlight
smoking with my chicken
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if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
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A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you're at it, why don't you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
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Ladies, if he:
- doesn’t introduce you to his parents
- never calls you back
- has four feet
- smells like potato chips
- could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread
that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
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jesus didn’t die for our sins. he faked his own death bc trying to split the bill with 12 friends after dinner is a nightmare.
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a drunk butterfly walking into a tattoo parlor: hi can i get a 21 yo white girl on my lower back?
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honestly if 3 ghosts visited me to show me past, present & future i’d probably just be on my phone the whole time
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hi. i saw a st. bernard w a barrel around his neck RT if you agree.
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my family and i just got ice cream and were sitting on a park bench when some guy walked by and said, “isn’t it a little too early for ice cream” to which my son responds “could be worse. we could have beers” and i’ve never been more proud.
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scooby blink-182
doo
🤝
🤝 WHERE 🤝
ARE YOU
🤝
me looking sandra bullock
for my car in Bird Box
in a parking lot
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just remember, if your football team loses this weekend, it's 100% bc you didn't wear the right shirt you dumb fuck how could you.
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me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
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