Jonathan Pie
@JonathanPieNews
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Jonathan Pie is a news reporter … WEBSITE: Enquiries to info @JonathanPie .com
London, England
Joined October 2015
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어린이날
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こどもの日
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子供の日
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#光る君へ
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#鬼滅の刃
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GW最終日
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KRIST SINGTO GOLDENSONG
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Dhoni
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予選突破
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May I Love Patrick🩵
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Thala
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Al Jazeera
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予選通過
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كرم ابو سالم
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連休最終日
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えーりん
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四塩化一黄酸
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GW終わり
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柱稽古編
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Santner
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#アンチヒーロー
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La Salle
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Pinned Tweet
The Vagrancy Act of 1824 is finally abolished in favour of something far more Dickensian.
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There's not being a fan of the Royals (an understandable position), then there's actively celebrating the death of an elderly woman. The second one makes you a very unsavoury person. She was an icon. Undeniably. And as someone who isn’t a royalist, I for one will mourn her loss.
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Whatever your feelings of Harry and Meghan, I think it’s important to remember that Prince Andrew paid a woman £12 million pounds to stop calling him a nonce.
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This one might just be my angriest yet: Strikes!
Full version here:
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Cameron was bad.
May was awful.
Johnson was appalling.
I think a word has yet to be invented that can fully encapsulate the unmitigated disaster that is Liz Truss.
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Liz Truss: “Once they enter the workplace, the British are among the worst idlers in the world.“
Well she has a point.
#ThickLizzie
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When, in grief, and in need of some quiet reflection, I always get a mate to film it too.
I wanted to return to Buckingham Palace today for some quiet reflection and lay my own tribute.
Crowds young, old, from all ethnicities and backgrounds.
Truly the best of British doing her justice.
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So Rishi Sunak deems it ‘unreasonable’ for nurses to receive a pay rise, while Winchester College enjoys tax breaks worth £6million and Sunak buys himself a £1.5million sculpture for his garden with taxpayer’s money.
Never forget who the Tories serve: Themselves.
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Boris accuses Keir Starmer of using misleading Cornonavirus statistics.
Keir Starmer responds with: The figures that the Prime Minister says are inadvertently misleading are from the slide at his press conference yesterday.”
Ooof!
#PMQs
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Our new Education Secretary greeting the public.
Her Twitter profile says she's a proud mum and dog lover.
It fails to mention she's also a bit of a cunt.
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Rees-Mogg reckons his chums holding wine and cheese parties, and fingering their mistresses in the gazebo while the rest of us weren’t even allowed to say a proper goodbye to dying loved ones, is ‘fundamentally trivial’ and ‘fluff.’
Well he would think that. Cos he’s a cunt.
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Who would have thought that all those times Boris Johnson was being hailed as the worst Prime Minister this country has ever had, Liz Truss was waiting in the wings thinking: “Hold my beer…”
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If Lee Anderson wants ‘workshy freeloaders’ to pick crops instead of ‘sponging off the state’, I hope this cunt has a decent set of gardening gloves.
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We’re down to just two candicates now. Sunak and Truss. Which one will win? I don’t care, they’re both cunts.
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Is anyone close to Sam Smith going to tell him how fucking ridiculous he looks, or do they all secretly hate him? And don’t give me that ‘beauty standards’ bull crap. He looks fucking ridiculous. Or is that the point?
I don’t get it. Jesus Christ I feel old.
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I can’t get enough of this. He’s like a reverse Robin Hood. Taking from the have-nots to give the wealthy more places to sit outside Pret A Manger.
It doesn’t surprise me, it’s just fantastic that he’s just come out and said it.
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So apparently nearly all the FIFTY people Boris is planning giving peerages must sign an agreement that they will always vote the way the government wants them to.
One final act of constitutional vanadlaism before the despot leaves. He should be tried for treason.
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I bought myself a new rapid boil kettle today. It cost me £33. In 3 years, it will have almost paid for itself with the money it saves on electricity. I already feel incredibly relieved at the immeasurably insignificant impact this will have on my £6.5k a year energy bills.
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So from July 4th, you can’t hug your gran but you *can* go on Nemesis with her at Alton Towers. Seems sensible.
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It's also never too early to teach her basic English. Like the difference between to, two and too.
I’m going to take half of Chloe’s candy tonight & give it to some kid who sat at home. It’s never to early to teach her about socialism.
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My summary of recent events: DOG SHIT.
Full video here:
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So this week I've managed to piss off The Times, The Telegraph, The Express, The Spectator and (the holy grail) The Mail.
Off for a well deserved wank!
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For anyone asking - every recent rail strike has completely fucked my day up from start to fucking finish with just a little added sprinkle of fuck-up on top.
And yet I wholeheartedly support these rail strikes!
#rmtstrike
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It appears that a number of accounts reported me for using bad language on here. What a bunch of fannies.
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I’m not one to mince words at the best of times, but well, brace yourself for my take on Suella Braverman.
Full version here:
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Oh My God This Is The Best Thing I Have Ever Seen.
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I mean, call me ‘Mr Pernickety’, but sitting here shivering, promising myself I’ll stick the radiators on for half an hour as a bit of a treat once I can no longer feel my toes doesn’t much feel like ‘levelling up’ to me.
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Morning
@MattHancock
. Just wondering if you’ve resigned yet? Oh I’m sorry, of course you haven’t… that would require a certain amount of integrity. My mistake.
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I’ve seen a couple of articles describing how horrible Prince Andrew’s birthday will be for him this year, and I couldn’t give less of a shit. Even if I subscribed to a 6-week online course specifically designed to teach me how to give less of a shit, it wouldn’t be possible.
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You literally voted in favour of this happening!
I am appalled by the latest sewage discharges into bathing waters in the local area, and Southern Water must be held to account for this threat to both public health and marine life. (1/2)
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£4.9 billion profits, up 40%, when your nan daren’t leave her immersion heater on. There is something unfathomably wrong with this. But hey, don’t pay attention to these cowboys, look at the boat people instead.
Breaking: Energy supplier E.ON has announced profits of £4.9 billion for the first half of the year.
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Oh, now this is scarily spot on.
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Now pretend that was from your last tenner, the leccy bill is due at the end of the month, and you can't afford to eat well today because some smug cunt bought up all the stuff that was on clearance last night in order to post a staggeringly ignorant tweet about how idle you are.
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Who would have guessed all that clapping during lockdown meant fuck all.
BREAKING: High Court rules that strike action planned by the Royal College of Nursing on 2 May is unlawful.
📺 Sky 501, Virgin 602, Freeview 233 and YouTube
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Pipe down, fridge boy.
Vote to get Brexit done and unleash Britain’s potential. Vote Conservative.
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Liam Neeson in a heartfelt interview stated that an emotional trauma made him feel unjustly prejudiced against black people, but he came to his senses, realised his gross error of judgement, and learned from it.
Social Media: Get the pitchforks, guys! Liam Neeson is a racist!
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So let me get this straight, Jeremy Hunt is threatening to take medication away from unemployed people who are already finding it difficult to find work most likely due to the health issues they need medication for?
Yep, makes perfect sense. If you’re an emotionless simpleton.
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Wait, is the Frankie Boyle who’s now having a pop at Ricky Gervais for telling ‘problematic’ jokes, the same Frankie Boyle who established his career by telling jokes about a severely disabled child? Because if it is, several million hypocrisy meters have just melted.
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Stay away from home.
Cheat on your wives.
Fuck the NHS.
These new lockdown rules are confusing.
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We need to stop taking potshots at Therese Coffey’s appearence, and instead just remember that she’s an appalling human being.
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This appears to have caused a lot of outrage, but I will make this absolutely clear: I will NOT retract my Scotch egg comment. I stand by it 100%.
“Seriously I can just come out and say it? Call him a liar?” asks
@JonathanPieNews
, a fictional broadcast reporter created and performed by comedian Tom Walker, in a satirical video about Britain’s Prime Minister.
“God bless America.”
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You can fuck right off if you think I'm doing this sober.
Opinion: Let’s try “Dry Covid” – lockdown is the time to kick our national alcohol habit for good
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We all knew what the Tories’ endgame was for the NHS. It’s not like they’ve ever put any effort into hiding it.
#NHSPrivatisation
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Now that the Gary Lineker distraction is over, we can all get back to focusing on how the Tories are fucking everything up.
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When you’ve been owned so hard you have to make a video about how you weren’t actually owned.
Thank you for confirming via your email address that you have a small penis
@GretaThunberg
The world was curious.
And I do agree you should get a life ❤️
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“People are not 3 times sicker than they were a decade ago” says the man whose party has systematically destroyed the NHS over the past decade or so.
'If you're feeling depressed...It doesn't mean that we should assume you can't work.'
PM Rishi Sunak outlines his five key welfare reforms.
'The first is that we should be more ambitious in assessing people's potential for work'
📺 Sky 501 and YouTube
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When you’ve just plunged millions of people further into poverty but you remember that the plans for a tennis court and swimming pool on your grade II listed property have recently been approved.
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I made a cup of tea earlier, but then tripped over the kitchen mat and spilled it all over the floor. Still, I got the big calls right by getting the tea bag and boiling water into the cup in the first place. So I’d call it a successful endeavour. If I was a Tory wanker.
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Liz Truss thinks people should be able to keep hold of their own money. They don't have any money Liz. That's the point!
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Just a reminder that in amongst the fuss surrounding the BBC scandal, Boris Johnson’s emails and WhatsApp messages are due to be handed over to the Covid inquiry by 4pm today.
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So Guru-Murthy, off air, referred to someone as a cunt.
Why the fuck has he been suspended?
Genuine question.
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Ann Widdecombe says that ’families don’t want to see same-sex couples’ on Strictly Come Dancing. But honestly, did any of us ever ask to see this? I think not.
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Boris has resigned, but he’s still there… aimlessly drifting around 10 Downing Street like a fart from yesterday’s vindaloo.
Full video here:
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This image really gives you a sense that they understand the struggles of the average UK citizen doesn’t it?
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Step 1: Make people homeless.
Step 2: Take away their tents.
The Conservatives, everyone.
🚨NEW. Suella Braverman pushes to restrict tents for rough sleepers, and proposes making it a civil office for charities to give tents to homeless via
@FT
with
@LOS_Fisher
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Yes, well I would like to take this opportunity to tell The Bank of England’s Chief Economist to fuck off.
BREAKING 🚨| The Bank of England's Chief Economist has told Britons to accept being POORER - and to stop seeking pay raises.
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Just waiting for Dan Wootton to demand that Dan Wootton be suspended from GB News following what appears to be far worse allegations than any of the people he has demanded suspensions of over the past few years.
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Boris Johnson is a liar. He lies. Then he lies about lying. Then he denies it and he lies again. He couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it.
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A ‘brief error of judgement’? Wouldn’t it be called ‘breaking the law’ for the rest of us?
No 10 admits 'brief error of judgement' after PM caught on video not wearing a seatbelt
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If Boris Johnson shat the bed, he’d applaud himself for not getting any on his pillow
#PMQs
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Fuck me. So If you’re white and you think Will Smith is a cock for punching someone then you’re anti black.
Fuck off the Guardian, you socially-regressive, race-baiting rag.
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Dido Harding, who‘s heading the new health body, is married Tory MP John Penrose, who sits on the advisory board of think tank 1828. Their manifesto recommends replacing the NHS with an insurance system.
I keep saying it: The NHS isn’t safe under the Tories.
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Do I agree with Nigel Farage’s political views? No.
Do I think banks should be able to close the accounts of people they disagree with politically? No.
Am I sick to fucking death of hearing about Nigel Farage? YES.
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When you look at some of the responses to Danny Baker's heartfelt explanation and apology, you realise that being genuinely sorry for fucking up is just not enough for some people. It makes you wonder what they actually want, and have they never made mistakes themselves?
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We appear to be in a position where the police could and perhaps should question the Chancellor of The Exchequer regarding his part in illegal insider trading.
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Boris Johnson reckons he had food poisoning before his interview with Susanna Reid. So much so he was sick on his suit.
Well firstly: I’d bet money that’s complete bollocks, and secondly: it’s still complete bollocks.
What’s his excuse for being a cunt the rest of the time?
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Why should MPs be allowed to take a second job when most of them can’t even do their first one effectively enough?
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Great idea! Can you give me a list of the beaches you haven’t covered in sewage?
Why not take a holiday break in the UK to avoid the delays into France? Plenty of great places to stay.
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Fuck - and I cannot stress this enough - off.
I have sent a letter of complaint to the Chief Constable of Kent Police and requested a full explanation.
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It’s official. You can’t even satirise this shit anymore.
UK's top civil servant Simon Case will no longer lead inquiry into lockdown parties in Downing Street, after it emerged an event was held in his own office
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I’ll say this again today because I just love to piss off dickheads: PUT A FUCKING MASK ON 😷
Full video here:
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Bit harsh. I wasn’t a fan of hers, but this is a bit extreme.
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This would have been worth extending the running time of the program for. Fuck ‘Heathrow: Britain’s Busiest Airport’, I wanted to see more of Hislop tearing Jake Berry a new one.
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Look, everyone is quick to criticise Stanley Johnson for flying to Greece... but be honest with yourselves. Which one of us can say, hand on heart, that we haven’t got on a plane in these past few months to go and check on our mountain villa?
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Your new Prime Minister ladies and gentleman…is a cunt of the higher order.
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The only I thing I think should remain in place once the lockdown is fully lifted is the two-metre distancing rule in supermarkets. Nothing to do with the pandemic, I just fucking hate people.
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Liz Truss, the ‘born again Conservative’ Robin Hood. Giving back to the rich while sticking two fingers up at the poor.
Full video here:
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OK, I’ve changed my mind about politicians going on reality TV shows, can we do this every week?
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Hey
@BorisJohnson
, seeing as you enjoy partying so much, I hear leaving dos can be a lot of fun.
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She *is* a fucking turnip.
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Freedom of speech is not a joke:
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I think they've finally gone insane.
Today we are saying no to
@JustStop_Oil
and their political wing the Labour Party
We will power ahead with new oil and gas because it’s in the best interests of the British people, of our economy and of our national security
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I hope Boris recovers and is back at work soon because it doesn’t feel right calling him a cunt while he’s ill.
#getwellsoonboris
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When you pay for something which is subsequently deemed not fit for purpose, at the very least, you expect to be offered an exchange.
So with this in mind, I would like to exercise my consumer’s right and demand a general election.
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Joke’s on them, we’re all indoors. Wasted journey. Idiots.
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