Joanna Hausmann Jatar
@Joannahausmann
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Comedian. Headwriter of Disney’s #HamsterandGretel . Venezuelan. Actor. #JoannaRants on Youtube. On @ComedyCentral & @Netflix . Cartoon Voices. “Weird cousin”
Los Angeles, CA
Joined April 2009
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Pinned Tweet
*tries to learn someone’s name*
Brain: no we are at capacity
Me: with what?
Brain: Angela, Pamela, Sandra & Rita
Me: Those arent real people those are Mambo no. 5 lyrics
Brain: A little bit of MONICA in my life
Me: please stop
Brain: ThE TrUmPeTs 🎺
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Venezolana. Porque si. Porque ahí están enterrados mis abuelos.
Porque ahí se conocieron mis papás.
Porque ahí tome mis primeros pasos. Porque ahí fue mi primera birra....y amor. Porque ahí me entienden cuando digo “cambur”. Porque ahí sentí pertencia. Porque ahí deje mi corazón
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This is actually the only correct way of saying “Venezuela”
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Normalize saying “I don’t have an opinion because I don’t have enough information.”
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My impression of “person who believes in conspiracy theories instead of racism”
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I recreated my favorite viral clip if it had been in 7 different countries. Yes I am bored.
#MalditaLisiada
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Los trolls me llaman "lesbiana" como si esa vaina me va a doler. No, no soy gay pero que admirable decir que toda sociedad rechazo mi forma de ser e igual estoy aquí. Si me quieren herir en serio llámenme fan de Paulina Rubio no joda.
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Mientras se pelean discutiendo mi “venezolanidad” yo estaré escribiendo el primer show de Disney Channel que protagoniza una familia Venezolana. So if you’ll excuse my “gringa” ass....
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I memorized my favorite inspirational speech and I hope it inspires you too
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*Instagram crashes for like 20 min*
Americans: OMG WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKIMGONNADIEWHATISHAPPEINGSATAN COME FOR ME NOW ENGULF ME IN DARKNESS
*There is no electricity for 5 days*
Venezuelans: Hey, um can someone report on this? Thanks.
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Este es el show que he estado escribiendo por año y medio
De los creadores de 'Phineas y Ferb' muy pronto llega a
#DisneyPlus
y Disney Channel la nueva serie
#HamsterAndGretel
.
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voy a renunciar la ciudadania gringa por esto
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In Spanish, we would technically refer to this incident as “un soberano peo se prendió en esta vaina”
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American: how are you so unfazed watching today’s news?
Me:
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Explaining (problematic) Spanish nicknames to an American
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"Yo nunca he visto el racismo!" Solo porque TU no has visto algo no significa que NO existe. Yo jamas en la vida he visto un ornitorrinco pero no me paso por la vida gritando "NO SE, ESO DE LOS ORNITORRINCOS NO ME LO CREO"
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Me in English: I'm doing ok considering the circumstances. How are you?
Yo en Español: eppppaa chamo no se aqui en este soberano peo la vaina esta heavyy ando full deprimida pero bueno que carajo mas se hace mira como esta tu primo el que tiene cara de sapo?
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Society: women are allowed to have opinions!
Woman: I have an opinion
Society: *rolls eyes* she’s a bit much isn’t she?
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This coup really makes the U.S feel like home
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Esta mañana saludando un gringo: good morning
Esta mañana saludando un Venezolano: QUE ESTÁ PASANDO VISTE A GUAIDO Y LEOPOLDO QUE SABES TU NO SE PERO TENGO DIARREA DEL ESTRÉS CHAMA Y QUE DICE TU PRIMO EL DE LOS VOICENOTES SABE ALGO O QUE CREES YA VA DÉJAME LLAMAR A JUAN AY DIOS
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Yo: creo en los derechos humanos
Magazolanos: exactamente!
Yo: como el derecho de la mujer, los derechos de la comunidad LGBTQ, los der-
Magazolanos: ay no, eres una COMUNISTA DE MIERDA
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No entiendo los Venezolanos revocando la identidad venezolana a los demás. ....Crees que la gente se está peleando por ser Venezolana? Deberían estar orgullosos qué hay personas representando su cultura a una audiencia global.
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Annoying my parents during quarantine has been a true joy
#AloneTogether
#StayHome
#ConfinementConfessions
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The Venezuelan urge to stretch out the word “verga” depending on the gravity of the situation.
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“I don’t believe in vaccines” says the person vaccinated for tetanus, diphtheria, mumps, measles, pertussis, meningitis, and polio
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“Minnesota.”
You mean Venezuela?
“No I actually meant Minnesota this time.”
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There is far too much misinformation and oversimplification about the situation in Venezuela.
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I’m in Buenos Aires and I can’t think of a more Argentinian welcome
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Para todos los Venezolanos saliendo del pais quiero decir que la venezolanidad no se define con la geografía. Se define con el corazón.
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My husband, an introvert: I don’t know why you’re complaining. I’ve been in the apartment for a week and it’s fine.
Me, an extrovert: IVE BEEN HERE FOR 14 HOURS. IM HEARING VOICES AND IM PRETTY SURE THE LAMP IS TALKING TO ME.
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Los famosos de Hollywood te cantaron “Imagine” de John Lennon. Los comediantes Venezolanos te cantamos “Todavía” de La Factoría
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Update: It’s been quite a week. What started out as a routine cancerous spot removal became much more complicated and scary. Thankfully I am now in the best hands possible and after a few difficult months we hope I can make a full recovery (with some new badass scars.)
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Que soberana idiotez que hay que debatir luego decir algo tan obvio y simple como “existe racismo en el mundo.” Dan más pena que los flat-earthers.
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-"Why do you laugh when you're crushed by anxiety and existential dread?"
-
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Ósea I wouldn’t say I struggle with la identidad necessarily como que más bien I feel like sometimes no estoy encajando o fitting in 100% in one cosa ever pero I’m probably just exagerando
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I ❤️ my culture
Happy Hispanic Heritage Month
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Today on the subway a lady picked a ball of earwax out of her ear, rolled it & flicked it on my sleeve. We stared at it till she asked "you mad?" & I said "I mean yeah" she then grabbed the earwax, ATE IT and called me a pussy. Anyway, Im moving to LA but want to stay in NYC 4ver
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El humor es un arte complicado pero es imperativo entender a quien diriges tu punchline. No saques una espada contra alguien que solo tiene un peluche de Pikachu.
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Talking about my health w/Americans: It's a tough time but with patience and science I can trust I can make a full recovery.
Misma explicacion con Latinos: Esta vaina es una soberana ESTUPIDEZ de situacion. UNA. PUTA. CAGADA. Pero que coño voy a hacer? Morirme? Ni de verga.
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La polémica que causó el solo decir “El acoso sexual es un problema” me dice que el acoso sexual es un problema
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Me speaking to my American friends: “yeah I know you think Joe Biden is too right wing but we gotta fight against populism”
Me speaking to my Venezuelan friends: “yeah I know you think Joe Biden is too left wing but we gotta fight against populism”
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Estamos listos
Nuestros ministros de cultura y entrenamiento ESTÁN LISTOS. 🚀
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Ayer vi una bandera de Italia en el menu de una pizzeria y me ENDOCTRINO e adesso mangio SOLO pasta e parlo SOLO Italiano
Estas son las ganas que tienen las grandes corporaciones de importar su ideología y su agenda a nuestro país.
Compra venezolano. Un bocadillo de guayaba jamás intentará adoctrinarte.
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Me following my mom around the supermarket because I don’t know how else to help
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Where are you from?
"I'm from Venezuela!"
But like where are your parents from?
"Venezuela"
Ok but like, where were they born?
"Venezuela"
Right, but like where did you grow up?
"...Venezuela..."
Uh-huh but like, what are you?
"Annoyed."
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*a song about “a donkey from the grasslands” plays *
Latin America during Christmas:
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English speakers be like “Spanish looks so complicated” but like that’s how you spell ThOrOUGh!!?!
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American: I am so tired of politics being so scary
Venezuelan:
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cuando veo gente posteando fotos en fiestas durante Corona
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This is.... literally dictatorship
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Trump is similar to Hugo Chavez: Fires people on live TV, has hateful rhetoric, disrespects women, thinks he's funny, is a fucking lunatic
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Never thought I’d watch porn with my family but tonight we watched Trump fuck America
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Latinos be like “Thats Leo but we call him Record Scratch because of his crippling stutter. Thats Juan but you can call him Quasimodo because of his spinabifida. Thats Fran but since she lost her parents in a tragic accident she’s Orphan Annie. They are my most beloved friends.”
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She probably thinks this is a scented candle
If it’s Goya, it has to be good.
Si es Goya, tiene que ser bueno.
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Mi imitación de “persona que niega que el racismo tenga que ver con las protestas en los EEUU y prefiere las teorías conspirativas”
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*cues Beach Boys’ 1966 hit song “Wouldn’t it be Nice”*
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When people ask a Latino who they are rooting for….
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La mamá es Venezolana, hay un cuadro del Ávila en la sala y la Abuela les sirve arepas
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Therapist: you’re so hard on yourself. Would you speak to someone you love the way you speak to yourself?
Me: oh god no
Therapist: so why do you do it?
Me: ...because I’m not someone I love
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Venezolanos: que arrechera los gringos juzgando nuestra situación bajo sus binarias políticas y no por la realidad
Also Venezuelans: AUNQUE REPUBLICANOS RESPETADOS COMO BUSH, RICE Y ROMNEY VOTARÁN POR BIDEN ESE CARAJO ES BÁSICAMENTE MADURO Y LOS QUE VOTAN POR EL SON CHAVISTA
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I’m so stressed. I think I need to disconnect and unwind.
*watches 7 Netflix murder documentaries in a row*
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When I was 22 I took my 21 yr/o roommate to the ER and when the doctor walked in he pointed at me and said "Mom?" so I responded "What about my mom?" and then he said "No, I mean are you her mom?" and I have never fully recovered from that moment.
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Cancer has given me so many things like anxiety, fear, dread and messages from that guy from high school who called me “horse-faced orphan Annie.” Feeling blessed
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*pertenencia
Porque cuando la gente me jode por escribir una palabra mal y mi primo me llaman “cabeza de bombillo”, no me lo tomo personal
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My grandma passed away because of lack of medicine. My uncle is imprisoned for posting articles against the government. My cousin was shot in a protest. My extended family has lost their life savings. But sure Brad, go ahead and tell me I don't understand Venezuela.
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If a couple with millions of dollars, six kids and a brand of overpriced rose wine can't make it, we should all just give up now
#brangelina
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Publicaciones Venezolanas be like “está científica dotada busca la cura del corona virus...PeRO PoR SU SeXy CuErPo Te dEjARias INfEcTar (INGRESA A VER FOTOS)”
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Video sobre lo que esta pasando en Venezuela con subtitulos en Español
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I literally have zero symptoms so naturally I have convinced myself I am 100% infected.
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Have you ever been like “I can’t wait to do something productive with my life” but then be confronted with the horrible reality you don’t want to????
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“Ma’am, I just asked you where you were from please sit down this is a Chili’s.”
Me:
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After 5 years of being unjustly imprisoned for speaking out against a tyrannical government, my uncle is free!
El periodista Braulio Jatar informó este
#10Sep
que fue absuelto de todos los cargos de los que se le acusaba y que recibió libertad plena.
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Nevada is your problematic college friend who shows up late and drunk to parties because she craves attention
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The dictator of Venezuela saying “Diney Wets” is running for president of the US is peak 2020
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Shocking how this happened after the president spent four years undermining institutions, fomenting division and inciting violence!
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This entire night is like when your drunk uncle makes a scene before dinner and now you gotta make small talk about the sweet potato
#Oscars
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