Jo Caulfield
@Jo_Caulfield
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36,035
Following
868
Media
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Statuses
50,722
STAND-UP COMEDIAN & COMEDY WRITER “★★★★★ Scotsman” - “★★★★★ SGFringe” - “★★★★★ The Herald” - “★★★★★ - Observer” - 2024 TOUR TICKETS ON SALE NOW!!
Leith, Edinburgh
Joined August 2010
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Pinned Tweet
The Funny Thing About Death
I in 2 people will be affected by cancer in their lifetime, some will come through and some won’t.
I’ve written a book about someone who was affected by it and didn’t come through; my big sister Annie.
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Nadine Dorries has submitted a letter of no comprehension.
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No-one WANTS to go on strike!
Nurses, Teachers, Ambulance Crews, Rail Workers, Postal Workers, Border Force Officers, Baggage Handlers … they DON’T get paid when they’re on strike.
Don’t fall for Tory tactics of turning workers against each other. ✌️
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Good - now f**k off.
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In whatever industry you work in, keep speaking out. Predatory behaviour and abuse is wrong. It’s so depressing that yet again the people that could’ve stopped Russell Brand, producers and broadcasters, were enablers.
It’s a tragic and age old story and it has to stop. 1/2
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What??!! Surely not! Not ‘The People’s Nonce’. Not ‘The Nonce of Hearts’. 🤦♀️
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Seriously??? I watched it and you got annihilated. If that was a boxing match your corner man would have thrown in the towel and Fiona Bruce would have carried you back to your dressing room.
#bbcqt
#bbcquestiontime
🤦♀️
Enjoyed
@bbcquestiontime
this evening in the lovely Fleetwood.
First, and enjoyed it, so might not be my last. Take a watch, see what you think. BBC1 after the ten o clock news. 👇
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Rail workers go on strike, the whole country fall’s apart.
If Politicians went on strike, no-one would notice.
Even though it will inconvenience me, I support the
#RailStrikes
✌️
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Best thing about the Rangers v Celtic game today?
It gives me an excuse to post this again… 💙💚💙💚👍✌️
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Just been told “I’m on the WRONG SIDE of history” because I criticised Rishi Sunak!!
Rishi fcuking Sunak!!
History is NOT going to be kind to that little short-arsed weasel, who looks like a CarPhone Warehouse manager who married well.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤷♀️
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I see Mo Salah is trending. I hope nothing bad has happened to him.
I see Laurence Fox is also trending. I hope nothing bad has happened to Mo Salah.
✌️
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Ungrateful Bastard Klaxon: got my husband a new Glasgow Celtic jumper. He’s furious. Says he wanted a Glasgow Rangers jumper. What’s the problem? It’s ALL Glasgow, isn’t it? 🎁💩
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It’s always the same six people, isn’t it?
It’s always Jonathan Gullis, Lee Anderson, Grant Shapps, Michael Green, Corinne Stockheath and Sebastian Fox.
The Sextet of Hate.
#GaryLineker
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I’m in London. No-one in London has ever heard of Douglas Ross. The people of London don’t know how lucky they are.
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What a complete and absolute wanker! You should be hanging your head in shame that this happened on your watch. And the fact you’re using it for a photo opportunity is truly disgusting.
Today I visited
@Tesco
Wellington Road to meet volunteers for
@TrussellTrust
and
@FareShareUK
. I was pleased to make a donation to the local food bank to help those who are vulnerable and in need
#EveryCanHelps
.
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What a fucking mess this country is.
I blame Tory MP’s and Tory voters.
The End.
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I pledge allegiance to the striking Nurses, Jr Doctors, Care Workers, Teachers, Rail Workers, Civil Servants… ALL THE USEFUL PEOPLE. ✌️
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If you defend a Tory MP who turns up at a food bank and uses it as a publicity opportunity, YOU are part of the problem. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it.
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Happy Anniversary
@Keir_Starmer
12 months as leader of
@UKLabour
Here’s wishing you many, many less.
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Douglas Ross is a deeply unlikeable person.
If you don’t know who he is, I envy you.
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Scottish Tories proving to be as deeply unlikeable as English Tories.
Who would have guessed?
#BBCLeadersDebate
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Not even midnight and I’ve already broken 3 of my New Year Resolutions, and 2 of the 10 Commandments.
I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST FOR 2019 x x
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Anyway, enough arguing about the strikes for today. Let’s go with a subject less contentious…
Why do people with British flags on their profiles hate low-paid British workers so much??
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How about trying this…?
If you’re not wearing a mask but you see someone who is wearing a mask…
A) Assume they’re trying to protect you - and give them space as a “thank you”.
B) Assume they’re scared - and give them space to “reassure them”.
Is that really too much to ask?
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Stop saying “once in a generation”!
The Apple Watch came out in 2014 and it’s now 6th generation.
The iPod Touch came out in 2007 and it’s now 7th generation.
A “generation” is NOT a set measurement of time.
#bbcqt
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Sad to say my mother Margaret passed away on Boxing Day. My brother and I were with her.
She was always elegant, like Ava Gardner, and a great one for ‘getting on with things’.
I will miss her fun & mischief. ❤️
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Dear
#BoycottMorrisons
people, can you also please boycott Marks&Spencer food hall between 1.30 and 2.00 pm tomorrow? And also boycott the car park opposite? Same times.
Thank you in advance 🙏
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Love seeing these RATS turning on themselves.
WE always KNEW WHAT THEY WERE and now they’re CONFIRMING it.
Couldn’t happen to a nastier bunch. Absolute fvckers. ✌️
Does
@RishiSunak
stand to profit from the Moderna Covid vaccine during the pandemic?
I suggest that he might want to take that ‘incredibly seriously’ before pointing fingers to save his own skin!
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Why are
@Conservatives
tweeting all the way through
#ITVDebate
? Why didn't they turn up? Absolute pile of shitbags.
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Ringo is trending. I hope nothing bad has happened to him.
Rod Liddle is also trending. I hope nothing bad has happened to Ringo.
#BBCQuestionTime
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RE my last Tweet:
I only need another 73 ‘Likes’ and more people will have liked me calling Ross Thomson MP a “complete and absolute wanker”, than will have ‘Liked’ his original post.
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Another thing I noticed about Rishi’s speech…
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In business, in Parliament, in TV - even surgeons in theatre FFS! If we talk about it enough it will become unacceptable surely. 2/2
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Go on then Neil, off you go. Fukc off and catch Covid, you dramatic, self-important, pointless little man.
PS I like history shows but I never liked any of yours … and now I understand why.
Neil Oliver: 'For the sake of freedom – yours and mine together – I will cheerfully risk catching Covid.'
Subscribe to our YouTube
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What a question!
“Do people care?”
Alastair Campbell - “Peter Stefanovic’s video has had 12 million views. Every day he asks BBC why will you not play these clips of Johnson in Parliament lying at dispatch box. PM’s are meant to resign if they lie at dispatch box”
BBC interviewer “Do people care?”
YES
@BBCNews
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The outpouring of LOVE and RESPECT for Terry Hall is beautiful to see.
‘Ghost Town’ and ‘The Lunatics Have Taken Over The Asylum’ are MORE relevant today than ever.
‘Our Lips Are Sealed’ is a PERFECT pop song. 💔
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So pleased Jo Brand said this. I was dreading the cheap jokes that I thought would be made.
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#MOTD
strange. No titles. No theme tune. No commentary. Feels completely flat.
Definitely an own goal by BBC.
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The parents of the married couple who have formulated the world saving vaccine were Turkish refugees, who were welcomed into Germany to start a new life.
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What a fucking twat.
"Why have a minister for women, but not for men?"
Speaking in the International Men's Day debate, Conservative Ben Bradley says "can we ensure equality means just that, rather than positive discrimination at the expense of certain groups"
Watch:
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Who didn’t???!!!
Nicola Sturgeon called Boris Johnson 'a f****** clown' over Covid lockdown.
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Tories calling for Nicola Sturgeon to resign over lying and/or misleading parliament.
The Tories?
This is the same party that has Boris Johnson as its leader, right?
Hello Mr Pot, meet Mr Kettle....
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No - I’m not doing it.
I mentally applaud what he did but Boris is hijacking this.
If successive governments had done their job properly no-one would have needed to walk up and down a garden.
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If you can name all 11 people in this photo, you could sit and talk shite with my husband while I go and do something more worthwhile. 🤦♀️
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There’s nothing like a nice glass of wine before you drink the rest of the bottle.
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I hate that repetitive, irritating f**king noise during the
#PORvIRN
game.
What, the Iranian horns?
No - Mark Lawrenson’s voice.
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First they came for TalkTV and I said nothing, because I was too busy opening the champagne and hanging up the decorations.
Then they came for GB News and I said “What took you so long?”
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Man votes for Brexit. Man gets Brexit. Man finds out Brexit is not good for him. Man is idiot.
Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson is frustrated by the impact of
#Brexit
on UK artists performing abroad, and feels the government can do more to help.
#KayBurley
UF
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"Well if you like EU so much why don't you fuck off and live there!"
Me: "Because, ironically, you've now made that much more difficult."
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Taking bets on which Tory MP will be the 1st to break the London/SE Xmas Lockdown, give a half-arsed apology and not be sacked.
My money is on EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE SMUG, SELF-ENTITLED PRICKS.
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If you're on benefit or low wage, you can't have a spare room ... but if you're an MP, you can have a spare house??
#allinthistogether
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Anyone recognise this couple? Camera found on Leith Walk.
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He’s staying for 3 more months??!! As a caretaker?
That didn’t work for Joe Kinnear at Newcastle United. Or Alan Shearer… at Newcastle United. Or John Carver… at Newcastle United.
OMG! We’re… Newcastle United! ☹️
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What a complete chancer, liar and prick.
There will be plenty who will be only too happy to say goodbye to the grimness of 2020.
But this was also the year when we rediscovered a spirit of togetherness, of community.
In 2021 we have our freedom in our hands and it is up to us to make the most of it. Happy New Year!
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Cinema last night. Finally saw Paddington 2. Was good but I’m still not sure about the ending.
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Love Mick Lynch calling Chris Philip MP a “liar” twice, straight to his face on
#Newsnight
.
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If women commentating on football games makes you angry…GOOD!! I’m glad we’ve spoiled it for you.
And we’re going to turn all your favourite pubs into Gastro bars.
Now fvck off back to trainspotting & collecting Star Wars shite. ✌️
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That’s true: once a ***t always a ***t.
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Midnight. International Women’s Day is over.
Back to just being an opinionated mouthy bitch.
Oh well....
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DO NOT FALL FOR THIS.
DO NOT TURN NURSES AGAINST TICKET COLLECTORS, CLEANERS, CATERING STAFF or any other RAIL WORKERS.
NURSES AND RAIL WORKERS BOTH DESERVE MORE.
#SupportRailWorkers
#SupportTheNHS
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Absolutely love
@MarinaPurkiss
… 👏👏👏💚
"Boris Johnson missed 187 commons votes while he was in the US making £4m giving speeches. Nadine Dorries hasn't been in the commons for over a year. In what other job is this acceptable?"
@MarinaPurkiss
comments on second jobs for MPs.
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The
@dubpistols
did a version of ‘Our Lips Are Sealed’ with Terry Hall a couple of years ago. I don’t know if they ever officially released it? If they didn’t, they should now.
It’s my regular “Jo, you’ve had a drink, haven’t you?” song. ❤️
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So the EU is doing a bulk-buy of the vaccine, that we won’t be part of?
Well done Brexiteers, well done.
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I don't have time to reply to every Andrea Leadsom supporter. Please pass this around yourselves...
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Just saw the follow-up to 'Snakes On A Plane'. Not quite as suspenseful but I loved it...
http://t.co/6TCgA17GD8
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Your DJ name is the last thing you ate and the last thing you purchased online.
I am DJ Teriyaki Coffee Table.
Go....
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Dear
@BootsUK
... everyone loves you. You are acknowledged as “the first choice for pharmacy, health and beauty - caring for people, customers and communities everywhere” ... can you please stop associating with crass, jingoistic trash like the
@dailystar
please.
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Why are people questioning the Queen’s decision to give a knighthood to Tony Blair? She’ll have thought it through, because the Royal Family are great judges of character.
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This is a ‘If you know, you know’ clip.
Me & several hundred bald-headed men joyfully shouting “Albert Tatlock!”
If you youngsters google ‘Albert Tatlock’ it will leave you even more confused. ✌️💚
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3 DAYS! For 3 days my husband has been trying to get rid of subtitles on our TV. He gave up. For 3 days we’ve watched TV with subtitles on the screen. I sat on the TV remote by mistake and they’re gone. 🤷♀️
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Well that’s been an eventful hour on Twitter. I’ve been informed I’m rude, unladylike and a disappointment..... by wankers. My job here is done.
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@ayeshahazarika
@MarinaPurkiss
@TheTrawlPodcast
@graceblakeley
@PeterStefanovi2
Thought you might like…? 💚
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“I understand why people are concerned. I understand why people are worried” …
NO — NO YOU DON’T!!
#bbcqt
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Absolutely heartbreaking to hear about Sean Lock. One of the best comedians I ever knew. 💔
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Finished the first day / 28 miles in one day - Loch Lomond - walked for 10 and a half hours. Beautiful day.
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If Man City are found guilty of breaching the financial rules their League titles should be taken away from them … and handed to Hibs. ✌️💚
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26 years, you jumped-up twat! TWENTY SIX YEARS!!
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Husband just bought 2 copies of the SAME album.
1 to play and a coloured vinyl copy “to complete his collection”.
My husband wastes SO MUCH MONEY I’m surprised Sunak hasn’t offered him a job in the Cabinet.
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This is the £9,000 sofa! Look at it. Just look at it. The man isn’t just a incompetent liar — he’s also a tasteless incompetent liar!
NINE GRAND??!!
I’ve shit out better furniture.
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Dear Bono, I’ve had to listen to your shite music for the last 20 years, the least you could do is pay your taxes.
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